Sometimes it seems that all hope is gone...it never is but some days are worse than others. I had one of those "no hope" days a few days ago. Just this sense of "what the heck are we doing?". We are too old for a preschooler, I'm too tired to run after a 3-4 year old, I don't want to live in this emotional abyss anymore, etc., etc. I shared these feelings with Veldon, he said I was just sick, and run down and worn out...he was right and although there is nothing in me that ever thinks I would truly quit sometimes I wonder at the insanity of this situation.
Within an hour, maybe a few minutes more, of sharing these dark feelings with Veldon my sweet friend Melissa called. They returned from Thailand a week ago from picking up their daughter. Her first words were "we met your son last week". She went on to tell me that they had not just met him but spent hours with him. They saw him on two different days and he was with them for over an hour each time. He sat on her husband's lap, played with their rings, rubbed Chris's hairy arms and went to look for his daddy when they told him good-bye on the second day. In those moments of hearing about my son all the fears and concerns melted away. He is still very real, he is still waiting. He knows his mommy and daddy are coming. He knows he is wanted and although he has no idea the degree of change coming, he knows change is coming.
In the conversation with Melissa she also gave me the name of a westerner, a Christian, who works at Max's orphanage and told me how to find her on Facebook. I got off the phone with Melissa and immediately found Nicola and "friended" her. What a blessing! We have written back and forth several times now. She is going to ask permission to take Max to church, to a western, Christian church, she wants to introduce him to dogs, as he seems to fear them, and might even ask the orphanage to start calling him his new name. She told me about his health and how loved he is in the orphanage. He is smart and happy. He is sometimes fearful and nervous. Nicola is going to tell him more about our family and start helping to prepare him for his homecoming! What a blessing to be one person away from communicating with our son! How sweet to be able to ask for updates and to get them in a reasonable amount of time. What a blessing to know that he is loved and cared for.
I am overwhelmed with God's graciousness. This has been the most difficult walk of my life. It has been lonely and discouraging. I want so much to bring our boy home...I'm sure we will it's just anyone's guess when that will happen. In the meantime I will be grateful for the letters from Thailand that connect us more closely to our Max.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Fathers...
We observed Orphan Sunday at our church on Nov. 7. It was such a sweet service, our pastor preached from James 1:27, the mandate that believers are to care for orphans and widows. He did an excellent job, as always, of helping the body to see that this is true religion, this is the way Christ expects us to live. Our walk with Christ isn't about a list of rules or checking off church attendance it's about being Christ in the world. Easing suffering, sharing a burden, caring for the people our Father cares for...which is all men (and women). As I sat and listened I kept thinking about fathers. My father who has recently passed, my grandfather, Veldon's father...three men whom I love deeply and have counted on in so many ways. I also thought about a book I read in Seminary Life Without Father by David Popenoe. It was an amazing book countering the cultural trend propagating that fathers are unnecessary.
As I listened to Doug and pondered the changes that are coming in my life it hit me that the changes for Max are so much more. Obviously I am and have been aware that his adjustment will be harder, his life will change so much more than ours will, everything will change for him, but the most profound change will be a father. Max had a mother, she could have kept him, but by releasing him to the orphanage, maybe without even realizing it she secured a father for her son. Every child has a mother and I would never diminish the role I have played in the life of my children, but the father is the key that changes everything. According to Popenoe every statistic points to the fact that children with fathers present live in a higher economic state, grow up with more solid values (meaning they have values they practice), are less likely to be involved in crime and more likely to receive a higher education. They typically grow up to contribute to society rather than take from society. These are all statistics for the US, but I can't imagine they are very different in other parts of the world. Beyond all that I have previously mentioned fathers provide protection for their families, they provide financial security and teach little boys how to grow up to be responsible men and little girls what to expect from future husbands. My son treats me differently in the presence of his father, he is typically less likely to be hateful because he knows his dad will step in. As Hayden has gotten older, however, I'm noticing that he is beginning to treat me the way he does when his dad is in the room when we are alone. I love the influence Veldon is having on his son. Hayden helps me like Veldon does and is generally concerned about what I think and how I am feeling. Those are all behaviors modeled by his father.
So as I continue to prepare for our newest addition to the family I can't help but be grateful for Max that his father is on his way. He will grow up with all the benefits of a strong, involved and loving father. He will grow up safe and secure, perhaps not wealthy by American standards but wealthier than 80% of the world. He will grow up surrounded by love with a father who is the anchor. This wait has been long and painful, but I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for constantly showing me Himself through this process. He of course is the Great Father, He provides true security, He protects and defends the fatherless and those He loves, it is all through His provision that we have an eternal inheritance and an adopted family.
As I listened to Doug and pondered the changes that are coming in my life it hit me that the changes for Max are so much more. Obviously I am and have been aware that his adjustment will be harder, his life will change so much more than ours will, everything will change for him, but the most profound change will be a father. Max had a mother, she could have kept him, but by releasing him to the orphanage, maybe without even realizing it she secured a father for her son. Every child has a mother and I would never diminish the role I have played in the life of my children, but the father is the key that changes everything. According to Popenoe every statistic points to the fact that children with fathers present live in a higher economic state, grow up with more solid values (meaning they have values they practice), are less likely to be involved in crime and more likely to receive a higher education. They typically grow up to contribute to society rather than take from society. These are all statistics for the US, but I can't imagine they are very different in other parts of the world. Beyond all that I have previously mentioned fathers provide protection for their families, they provide financial security and teach little boys how to grow up to be responsible men and little girls what to expect from future husbands. My son treats me differently in the presence of his father, he is typically less likely to be hateful because he knows his dad will step in. As Hayden has gotten older, however, I'm noticing that he is beginning to treat me the way he does when his dad is in the room when we are alone. I love the influence Veldon is having on his son. Hayden helps me like Veldon does and is generally concerned about what I think and how I am feeling. Those are all behaviors modeled by his father.
So as I continue to prepare for our newest addition to the family I can't help but be grateful for Max that his father is on his way. He will grow up with all the benefits of a strong, involved and loving father. He will grow up safe and secure, perhaps not wealthy by American standards but wealthier than 80% of the world. He will grow up surrounded by love with a father who is the anchor. This wait has been long and painful, but I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for constantly showing me Himself through this process. He of course is the Great Father, He provides true security, He protects and defends the fatherless and those He loves, it is all through His provision that we have an eternal inheritance and an adopted family.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Referral!!!!
If I had the brain power I would count the days we have waited for our referral. I don't!! I am so overwhelmed and so thrilled but emotionally drained.
He's our boy, we've known it for months but it's official now he's ours!! I feel like crying and doing a happy dance and so much more. I can't describe the feelings I can't describe the joy I can't describe my gratitude to a faithful Father who cares for us and loves us and is providing for us even when we don't feel it and can't see it!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Video...Update...mixed feelings
It's great to get updates about the cutest little Thai guy in the world but at the same time it breaks my heart that I have to be a broken record and say we are still no closer to bringing him home.
Oh well, here's the video for you viewing pleasure...he smiles, and claps for himself and talks too...he's a precious boy!!!
Oh well, here's the video for you viewing pleasure...he smiles, and claps for himself and talks too...he's a precious boy!!!
Friday, September 17, 2010
One Week to Go....
...but not in a good way! Our Thai Social Worker leaves Thailand for 5 weeks in 1 week and if we don't get the referral, the referral that she led our American SW to believe was complete but not ready, then we won't get anything until November or later. When our agency came home from Thailand our SW told me to write the acceptance letter the referral was on it's way. She believed we could travel as soon as Jan or Feb. I'm pretty sure she's changed her mind now. Naunthip traveling to China won't set us back 5 weeks it will set us back months. She won't come home and think about our case and get it moving, history seems to prove that she gives very little thought to American families waiting for their child.
I decided not to write the letter because, although I'm a believer and don't believe in karma or other junk like that, I was afraid I would jinx the process. Of course God is sovereign, and I can't jinx anything, but after almost 2 years of waiting on this child I'm a little weird sometimes. Yesterday I felt convicted for a lack of faith so I wrote the letter. I cried through the whole thing because it felt so great to write about how much we want this little boy. To promise to make him our son and love and protect him forever, but it was hard too. Technically, I wasn't writing it for the reason most people write it...or technically I was, but I wasn't writing it in the same order that most people do...one of those things. Anyway, I just felt so heavy and sad that I wasn't writing it because it was going to be notarized and overnighted to our SW and the proverbial ball was going to be rolling. I was writing it on a hope, and faith that the referral, that is so late, is on it's way. So do I trust God that it's coming right now? Did He stir my heart, convict me for a lack of faith, and lead me to write the letter as our SW had encouraged. Or was it my own heart saying "look God I wrote the letter in faith...now you have to send a referral"? I don't know!! I really don't know!! I know how I will feel next week if no referral comes. I know I will feel let down I know I'll be frustrated with God because I'll have let myself hope that the referral was coming, that's why He had me write the letter. Of course, I know that any mistakes made, any misunderstandings are not on the part of the Sovereign but on the part of the sinful human. I'm going to hope and pray that the referral is on it's way, but if it's not I will survive the disappointment, I don't know how, but I don't have to worry about that. God promises to give us just enough grace to make it through each day not any extra but not a drop too little either.
When Max comes home only God will be able to receive the glory for sustaining us through this nightmare of a wait. For making the process work after months and months of it not working and for protecting a little boy until he is safely in the arms of his mommy and daddy. No matter how it works now it will be a miracle.
"So please, go ahead God and bring him home for Your name's sake!"
I decided not to write the letter because, although I'm a believer and don't believe in karma or other junk like that, I was afraid I would jinx the process. Of course God is sovereign, and I can't jinx anything, but after almost 2 years of waiting on this child I'm a little weird sometimes. Yesterday I felt convicted for a lack of faith so I wrote the letter. I cried through the whole thing because it felt so great to write about how much we want this little boy. To promise to make him our son and love and protect him forever, but it was hard too. Technically, I wasn't writing it for the reason most people write it...or technically I was, but I wasn't writing it in the same order that most people do...one of those things. Anyway, I just felt so heavy and sad that I wasn't writing it because it was going to be notarized and overnighted to our SW and the proverbial ball was going to be rolling. I was writing it on a hope, and faith that the referral, that is so late, is on it's way. So do I trust God that it's coming right now? Did He stir my heart, convict me for a lack of faith, and lead me to write the letter as our SW had encouraged. Or was it my own heart saying "look God I wrote the letter in faith...now you have to send a referral"? I don't know!! I really don't know!! I know how I will feel next week if no referral comes. I know I will feel let down I know I'll be frustrated with God because I'll have let myself hope that the referral was coming, that's why He had me write the letter. Of course, I know that any mistakes made, any misunderstandings are not on the part of the Sovereign but on the part of the sinful human. I'm going to hope and pray that the referral is on it's way, but if it's not I will survive the disappointment, I don't know how, but I don't have to worry about that. God promises to give us just enough grace to make it through each day not any extra but not a drop too little either.
When Max comes home only God will be able to receive the glory for sustaining us through this nightmare of a wait. For making the process work after months and months of it not working and for protecting a little boy until he is safely in the arms of his mommy and daddy. No matter how it works now it will be a miracle.
"So please, go ahead God and bring him home for Your name's sake!"
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Power of Prayer...
Last night, during our church's last revival meeting, our pastor asked Veldon to share a bit about the journey we have been on to bring Max home. After Veldon shared where we are and a little about the road to this point, Doug asked me to join Veldon and asked the church to gather around us and pray for God to move and bring Max home. Although I know that prayer isn't a magic bullet that will change everything immediately (of course God can do anything) I do believe that prayer is powerful and especially powerful are the prayers of a church body coming together for a common purpose. Doug prayed over us, he prayed for Max and for our family. One thing that he said that made my heart smile was that "we already know that it is Your (God's) will for Max to come home because Your Word tells us that we are to care for orphans and so we are asking You to move and bring him home". We weren't looking for confirmation last night, we know God has lead us to this point, but for others to understand that we are on the right road was so sweet. We've been questioned so much about whether or not we might have made a mistake, or if Max might be the wrong child, or Thailand might be the wrong country it was such a blessing for Doug to understand that we believe with every fiber of our beings that God has led us to this point.
As I have already said I don't think prayer is magical, but I do believe it is powerful. Beyond the power of prayer there is also comfort in prayer, there was such solace in others sharing our burden. This has been a very long, very lonely road to travel. We have a few friends that have walked the road consistently from day one but for most he's not that real. I understand that, how could he be real to those who have only seen glimpses of him in pictures and videos? How can he be so real to us? Nevertheless he is real to us, he's a part of our everyday life. We talk about him all the time, cry for him, pray for him and my arms can feel him nestled tightly in them. I know that he will come home, but last night as people who us love and...therefore for love Max for us...stood around us crying for him, crying for our pain, crying and begging God to bring him home...to move in a huge way and to get all the glory, the yoke that we have carried for 22 months became so much lighter. The weight of this road became more bearable as the love of our brother's and sister's in Christ took some of the burden from us.
Of course, I am hopeful that our referral comes right away, and I know that I know that God can send it today and might. He might answer the prayers sent on our behalf last night right away, but if He doesn't last night was not in vain it gave us peace. Peace I haven't felt in months. I will forever be grateful for the love our church and their prayers over us last night. I will forever be grateful for fellowship with the Saints and for a great pastor who loves his God and loves his flock.
God answers the prayers of His people and in His time He will bring our little boy home. He will rejoice with us when Max walks into a room, in an orphanage thousands of miles away, an orphan, alone, and walks out of that same room, moments later, a beloved son. I have replayed the scene over and over and no matter how it will play out it will glorify our Father in Heaven and it will change everything!
As I have already said I don't think prayer is magical, but I do believe it is powerful. Beyond the power of prayer there is also comfort in prayer, there was such solace in others sharing our burden. This has been a very long, very lonely road to travel. We have a few friends that have walked the road consistently from day one but for most he's not that real. I understand that, how could he be real to those who have only seen glimpses of him in pictures and videos? How can he be so real to us? Nevertheless he is real to us, he's a part of our everyday life. We talk about him all the time, cry for him, pray for him and my arms can feel him nestled tightly in them. I know that he will come home, but last night as people who us love and...therefore for love Max for us...stood around us crying for him, crying for our pain, crying and begging God to bring him home...to move in a huge way and to get all the glory, the yoke that we have carried for 22 months became so much lighter. The weight of this road became more bearable as the love of our brother's and sister's in Christ took some of the burden from us.
Of course, I am hopeful that our referral comes right away, and I know that I know that God can send it today and might. He might answer the prayers sent on our behalf last night right away, but if He doesn't last night was not in vain it gave us peace. Peace I haven't felt in months. I will forever be grateful for the love our church and their prayers over us last night. I will forever be grateful for fellowship with the Saints and for a great pastor who loves his God and loves his flock.
God answers the prayers of His people and in His time He will bring our little boy home. He will rejoice with us when Max walks into a room, in an orphanage thousands of miles away, an orphan, alone, and walks out of that same room, moments later, a beloved son. I have replayed the scene over and over and no matter how it will play out it will glorify our Father in Heaven and it will change everything!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
This Child of my Heart...
There's a little boy living thousands of miles away from his family, his siblings, his life. The call from our agency this week confirmed what I knew would be the outcome of our agency's long anticipated trip to Thailand. No referral. He will continue to wait for the one form that will get his adoption moving. We have no control over this process, a process that has in so many ways has shaken my faith and left my heart bleeding. We have no one to appeal to save our Heavenly Father and right now those appeals seem largely unheard. As others are getting news of travel to Thailand and picking up their children, one little boy seems largely forgotten, passed over by our Father. Although I try and try I can't come to any conclusions as to why this sweet little boy, with the big brown eyes, still sits in an orphanage waiting.
We have prayed and begged God to move our adoption forward...to no avail. We have fasted and claimed scripture...nothing. I have wondered about my motivations, I have begged God to tell me if we've made a mistake and we are not to adopt this child...silence. There are no good feelings in me right now. My logic is working alone to trust God because my heart is rebelling in ways I dare not share. I will share this though, there's this part of me that wonders if this is too big for God...I know! If God can't deal with this than everything I have believed about Him for so long would be wrong...but more importantly His Word would be wrong...which could never be! But my rebellious heart still lends the question with amazing frequency. Maybe some how these questions from my heart that defy the Word of God and even defy my own knowledge are creating this situation, maybe my lack of faithfulness is bringing about this wait...how do I combat that? I pray I read I study...but I still doubt. If that is the case then all hope is lost because I am struggling so right now.
I struggle with all talk of adoption right now. I steer clear of conversations about my feelings and this adoption except with a few whom I deeply trust. I'm not sure how to walk through the rest of the wait with grace. I so want to throw a fit and get God's attention, but of course if doing my best to be faithful and to seek Him through this process doesn't have His attention then a sinful fit surely would not bring the attention I desire! It's not for me to understand, I know that, but I do wonder why some orphans come home so quickly. I wonder why there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for our wait...his wait...and yet we are all waiting. Is God's concern for some greater than His concern for others? I don't think so, but in my humanity I can't figure it out. I have to trust the mystery of His will. I know that! I have to trust His heart...I know that too. I have to trust His Word. I know that. I know, I know, I know, but then it seems I don't. When He is silent for so long I fail and I have failed over and over again.
We will continue to wait. I'm not sure we'll ever recover from this pain. I'm not sure how we could. I know if and when Max comes home it will feel better, but I'll always miss these wasted months that he could have been home. I'll always miss that for too long I didn't tuck him into bed and care for his needs...how do we recover from that?
But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!
Habakkuk 2:3
We have prayed and begged God to move our adoption forward...to no avail. We have fasted and claimed scripture...nothing. I have wondered about my motivations, I have begged God to tell me if we've made a mistake and we are not to adopt this child...silence. There are no good feelings in me right now. My logic is working alone to trust God because my heart is rebelling in ways I dare not share. I will share this though, there's this part of me that wonders if this is too big for God...I know! If God can't deal with this than everything I have believed about Him for so long would be wrong...but more importantly His Word would be wrong...which could never be! But my rebellious heart still lends the question with amazing frequency. Maybe some how these questions from my heart that defy the Word of God and even defy my own knowledge are creating this situation, maybe my lack of faithfulness is bringing about this wait...how do I combat that? I pray I read I study...but I still doubt. If that is the case then all hope is lost because I am struggling so right now.
I struggle with all talk of adoption right now. I steer clear of conversations about my feelings and this adoption except with a few whom I deeply trust. I'm not sure how to walk through the rest of the wait with grace. I so want to throw a fit and get God's attention, but of course if doing my best to be faithful and to seek Him through this process doesn't have His attention then a sinful fit surely would not bring the attention I desire! It's not for me to understand, I know that, but I do wonder why some orphans come home so quickly. I wonder why there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for our wait...his wait...and yet we are all waiting. Is God's concern for some greater than His concern for others? I don't think so, but in my humanity I can't figure it out. I have to trust the mystery of His will. I know that! I have to trust His heart...I know that too. I have to trust His Word. I know that. I know, I know, I know, but then it seems I don't. When He is silent for so long I fail and I have failed over and over again.
We will continue to wait. I'm not sure we'll ever recover from this pain. I'm not sure how we could. I know if and when Max comes home it will feel better, but I'll always miss these wasted months that he could have been home. I'll always miss that for too long I didn't tuck him into bed and care for his needs...how do we recover from that?
But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!
Habakkuk 2:3
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
15 Months
We have now started our 15th month of waiting for the referral. There's really nothing new to report. The same info from the agency, they expect it any time, aren't sure why it hasn't come yet, blah, blah, blah... The agency is scheduled to travel on Aug. 15 to see the children they represent as well as add new children to their list to advocate for. We can send a list of questions we would like answered...my only real question is where the heck is our referral? That's really all I care about. Perhaps I should be caring about how well he sleeps or what his favorite activities are, but what's the point in knowing all of that if he never actually gets here? I don't understand. I would like our social worker to ask the Thai social worker to define "top priority" because she said our case was a "top priority" last November and now she doesn't seem to be willing to answer questions about where our referral is.
To say I'm discouraged is probably an understatement. I've asked to be taken off all the email lists and not to have any real contact with the agency. I'm sure it's very selfish but I just can't handle hearing about other happy families receiving their referrals, To Whom letters or travel dates. I cried every Friday when that dreaded program update came, and I decided it needed to end so they graciously agreed to leave me alone. They will however now send the information to Veldon's email and he will let me know if I need to know anything. So far I haven't missed anything. I hate that Max is growing, growing, growing without his family. I hate that the social worker in Thailand doesn't seem to care about his wait or ours. I hate being criticized by others who have had different adoption situations for being discouraged and not wanting to hear about other families right now. I really hate so much about this. I wish that no one ever had to walk through this, most of all me. I wish that God would answer our prayers for the referral but right now He is silent. I don't understand any of this but it's not for me to understand, just to trust.
So I do trust God. I do trust that His hand is on the process and I do trust that Max will come home when God wills for him to. Every single day I will remind myself that I do trust God with this process and He will prove me right...thank goodness there's one sure thing in this!
To say I'm discouraged is probably an understatement. I've asked to be taken off all the email lists and not to have any real contact with the agency. I'm sure it's very selfish but I just can't handle hearing about other happy families receiving their referrals, To Whom letters or travel dates. I cried every Friday when that dreaded program update came, and I decided it needed to end so they graciously agreed to leave me alone. They will however now send the information to Veldon's email and he will let me know if I need to know anything. So far I haven't missed anything. I hate that Max is growing, growing, growing without his family. I hate that the social worker in Thailand doesn't seem to care about his wait or ours. I hate being criticized by others who have had different adoption situations for being discouraged and not wanting to hear about other families right now. I really hate so much about this. I wish that no one ever had to walk through this, most of all me. I wish that God would answer our prayers for the referral but right now He is silent. I don't understand any of this but it's not for me to understand, just to trust.
So I do trust God. I do trust that His hand is on the process and I do trust that Max will come home when God wills for him to. Every single day I will remind myself that I do trust God with this process and He will prove me right...thank goodness there's one sure thing in this!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Passing by...
Everyday I am amazed and not amazed that we continue to wait. For the last...10 months I have lived my life around receiving that one, all important, phone call that our referral has arrived and we are moving forward.
I had hoped that the referral would come before Thanksgiving when Veldon's parents, sister and brother in law came. Then I hoped and prayed for news around Christmas...what a great Christmas gift that would be! Nothing. I signed up for a 3 month class at a sister church in our community in Jan. and thought "by the time this class is over the referral will have come". Nope. Then it was Spring break and then the D.C. trip with our school's 8th and 9th graders in mid-May. I thought by VBS we would have news and when we agreed to go as chaperons on the youth mission trip to PA I thought there's no way it won't be here by then. All of those events have passed by and no referral. Maybe it's that I am weak and my faith is faulty but I am becoming more and more convinced that we will never receive a referral. I don't know why but it seems that Thailand doesn't have any intention of allowing us to adopt this child. I look at our family and think we are fairly normal, we would be good to another child, we would love him. Why would they not let us have him? Our agency assures me that I am mistaken but I am not aware of a family having waited this long, or longer for a referral and receiving it. There is another very normal family with our agency who have waited about 6 months longer than we have and they are still waiting.
I'm not sure how to process all of this. I would love to just put this adoption in a box and never think about it...but it's not like waiting for an anticipated vacation...this is a child's life. How do you put that in a box out of sight? I have no idea. For several months I didn't cry, even when I wanted to tears wouldn't come. Now I can't stop crying. The hurt is unbearable, sometimes I feel as if I'm falling apart (many times to be honest!). I'm just so lost right now. I want this child so badly but at this point I think it might be a relief for our agency to say "it's over, not going to happen". At least then I would know and I could deal with that. It probably wouldn't be easier, it would be terrible, but wondering and praying and wishing for hours every day is terrible too.
I'm not sure how to stop life passing by, I can't stop our sweet boy getting older without us, I can't make Thailand do the right thing and I can't move the hand of God. So it seems we are stuck! Oh how I wish we weren't!
I had hoped that the referral would come before Thanksgiving when Veldon's parents, sister and brother in law came. Then I hoped and prayed for news around Christmas...what a great Christmas gift that would be! Nothing. I signed up for a 3 month class at a sister church in our community in Jan. and thought "by the time this class is over the referral will have come". Nope. Then it was Spring break and then the D.C. trip with our school's 8th and 9th graders in mid-May. I thought by VBS we would have news and when we agreed to go as chaperons on the youth mission trip to PA I thought there's no way it won't be here by then. All of those events have passed by and no referral. Maybe it's that I am weak and my faith is faulty but I am becoming more and more convinced that we will never receive a referral. I don't know why but it seems that Thailand doesn't have any intention of allowing us to adopt this child. I look at our family and think we are fairly normal, we would be good to another child, we would love him. Why would they not let us have him? Our agency assures me that I am mistaken but I am not aware of a family having waited this long, or longer for a referral and receiving it. There is another very normal family with our agency who have waited about 6 months longer than we have and they are still waiting.
I'm not sure how to process all of this. I would love to just put this adoption in a box and never think about it...but it's not like waiting for an anticipated vacation...this is a child's life. How do you put that in a box out of sight? I have no idea. For several months I didn't cry, even when I wanted to tears wouldn't come. Now I can't stop crying. The hurt is unbearable, sometimes I feel as if I'm falling apart (many times to be honest!). I'm just so lost right now. I want this child so badly but at this point I think it might be a relief for our agency to say "it's over, not going to happen". At least then I would know and I could deal with that. It probably wouldn't be easier, it would be terrible, but wondering and praying and wishing for hours every day is terrible too.
I'm not sure how to stop life passing by, I can't stop our sweet boy getting older without us, I can't make Thailand do the right thing and I can't move the hand of God. So it seems we are stuck! Oh how I wish we weren't!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Camelot ~
This post has basically nothing to do with adoption and since there is nothing happening on the adoption front right now...discouraging for sure....I think I'll blog about something different!
Last Sunday night the church had a 5 year anniversary roast and reception for Veldon. We knew about the reception the roast was a surprise...kind of. We had no idea what to expect, and since it is summer time and our church tends to check out for the summer we had no idea how many people would show up. It turned out to be a very sweet evening for our entire family. Some of the choir members roasted Veldon in a very fun loving, sweet way. The reception was very sweet with three cakes, one for Veldon, one for me, and one for the kids. I was a little overwhelmed that they would add the kids and me to the list. I don't feel like I am able to do as much as I have in the past since we home school our kids now. But I love the church completely and look forward to any activity with the body.
During the reception one of my friends said something to me that I think I will never forget. She said that the staff all love each other so much (very true) and that this is "such a great time in the life of our church I wonder if someday we'll all look back and think about this time as Camelot?" It was such sweet thing to say. She went on to talk about how much she appreciates the staff and is purposeful in thinking about these days so they don't slip by without thought. I was overwhelmed with her thoughts. As I have pondered these words over the last 6 days I can't help but be moved and a little apprehensive about the future. These truly are glorious days in our lives and in the life of our church. There's no substitute for a pastoral staff who love each other and respect one another...we know we've been there. I wonder what the future holds when these days draw to a a close...which at some point they will. Our pastor is a truly godly man, he preaches the Word without flinching...at least not publicly after all it's not always a popular message. He encourages the other pastors in their ministries and cares very much for the body he is shepherding. He is older than we are so it seems likely he will retire before we do. I wonder if it is wrong to dread that already?!
So as we continue to wait for our precious Max to come home we are comforted with a loving, wonderful church body and a staff that is seeking God and cares for each other. I'm so grateful that God has chosen to bless us with serving this wonderful church, and that He has placed us in Canton, GA to raise our children and wait for the next one...or two! I pray I never take these days for granted and never lose sight of His blessings!
Last Sunday night the church had a 5 year anniversary roast and reception for Veldon. We knew about the reception the roast was a surprise...kind of. We had no idea what to expect, and since it is summer time and our church tends to check out for the summer we had no idea how many people would show up. It turned out to be a very sweet evening for our entire family. Some of the choir members roasted Veldon in a very fun loving, sweet way. The reception was very sweet with three cakes, one for Veldon, one for me, and one for the kids. I was a little overwhelmed that they would add the kids and me to the list. I don't feel like I am able to do as much as I have in the past since we home school our kids now. But I love the church completely and look forward to any activity with the body.
During the reception one of my friends said something to me that I think I will never forget. She said that the staff all love each other so much (very true) and that this is "such a great time in the life of our church I wonder if someday we'll all look back and think about this time as Camelot?" It was such sweet thing to say. She went on to talk about how much she appreciates the staff and is purposeful in thinking about these days so they don't slip by without thought. I was overwhelmed with her thoughts. As I have pondered these words over the last 6 days I can't help but be moved and a little apprehensive about the future. These truly are glorious days in our lives and in the life of our church. There's no substitute for a pastoral staff who love each other and respect one another...we know we've been there. I wonder what the future holds when these days draw to a a close...which at some point they will. Our pastor is a truly godly man, he preaches the Word without flinching...at least not publicly after all it's not always a popular message. He encourages the other pastors in their ministries and cares very much for the body he is shepherding. He is older than we are so it seems likely he will retire before we do. I wonder if it is wrong to dread that already?!
So as we continue to wait for our precious Max to come home we are comforted with a loving, wonderful church body and a staff that is seeking God and cares for each other. I'm so grateful that God has chosen to bless us with serving this wonderful church, and that He has placed us in Canton, GA to raise our children and wait for the next one...or two! I pray I never take these days for granted and never lose sight of His blessings!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Why Adopt...What about the Memo?
God has called us to this so no matter the ups and downs we'll stay the course! I am almost 42 years old and (hopefully) in the next 6-9 months I will have a preschooler again...that kind of racks my brain. I watch preschoolers in anticipation of our future and think "oh my they take a lot of energy...I have forgotten". I think about carrying a little one around all the time using a body that is 10 years older than the last time. I think about nap time, bed time and babysitters...all things I haven't thought about in several years. Toys in the front room, baths and tantrums, are all a part of our future...again. At our age we are veering off the road most of our same aged friends are on and doing an about face. We will likely be alone much of the time on this road. Most of the people our age have grown, or nearly grown kids. Why would we choose to start over? Financially things are not easy by any stretch of the imagination but they aren't bad either. I can actually buy a clearance quilt for my bed and not worry that something will go unpaid...that's a blessing. So why are we doing this? Why are we going in reverse, spending copious amounts of money, which we don't have, and changing everything?
I don't follow many blogs, but I just signed up to follow one (actually 2 but that's another story). The author is a home school, adoptive, biological, older mom and a crazy, radical Christian, passionate about serving Christ. She wrote an entry a while back about not getting the "memo". I think Veldon and I fall into that category. We didn't get the memo either. The memo is the one the world, and honestly many in the church, has that tells them that more things are better, bigger homes, fancy cars, big savings accounts, multiple expensive vacations, etc. According to the memo those are the things that define success, give security, and are worthy of striving for. Clearly we missed the memo! I think a bigger house would be great, but at the expense of home schooling my children or, heaven forbid, adopting Max NO WAY! I think a newer, bigger car with leather would be lovely, but at the expense of quiet evenings at home with our kids, or being home all day, every day with them NO! We didn't get the memo that security comes from money or stocks or savings. We tried for many years to get a hold of that crazy memo. But by God's grace we were never able to get our hands on it. Through years and years He taught us that we could ONLY rely on Him. He alone is our hope and our salvation.
When He led us back to seminary...with three kids...we knew we could trust Him. When He led us to a church, after being deeply hurt by a church...we knew we could trust Him. When He tells us to give to others when we don't have much...we know we can trust Him and when He called us to bring home another child we knew we could trust Him.
I watch those around me chasing the wealth of the world and I wish they hadn't gotten the memo either. I watch them storing up their treasures in things and money and man's approval and I hurt for them. I think we look different to people right now. The looks on people's faces as they try to tell us, kindly mind you, that we are on the wrong road and clearly this adoption isn't going to happen, basically that we get the credit with God for trying and don't have to actually adopt...tells me they don't get it. When other believers tell us in a matter of fact way that's great for us to adopt but they couldn't do it, they don't get it. (Not that everyone is called to adopt, I wonder if they've asked God about adopting...no matter, we are all called to live differently!) As people live for the next great vacation or new car or bigger house it seems to me they don't get it...or actually they did get it...the memo! The reality is this that the only thing that lasts are the souls of men, not the wealth or the house or the vacation. Why wouldn't I bring more children to my home to teach them about Jesus so that He can call them to Glory? Men are saved through the preaching of the Word, whether it be at home or at church or on the street corner. How are these kids going to hear the preaching of the Word without someone to preach it to them? I'm going to preach it at home to as many as He will allow me to. I know that bringing Max home doesn't insure his salvation, and I know in the end I will know that God is right in whom He calls and does not call, but what would be the point but for lives to be saved?!
So we didn't get the memo and I hope we never do. I hope we look strange to the world and to even the church. I hope we stand out as those odd home schoolers who adopted a kid or two in their old age. :0) I hope God is glorified in all that I do and never ashamed with what I choose to do with the resources He has blessed us with.
Did you get the memo?
I don't follow many blogs, but I just signed up to follow one (actually 2 but that's another story). The author is a home school, adoptive, biological, older mom and a crazy, radical Christian, passionate about serving Christ. She wrote an entry a while back about not getting the "memo". I think Veldon and I fall into that category. We didn't get the memo either. The memo is the one the world, and honestly many in the church, has that tells them that more things are better, bigger homes, fancy cars, big savings accounts, multiple expensive vacations, etc. According to the memo those are the things that define success, give security, and are worthy of striving for. Clearly we missed the memo! I think a bigger house would be great, but at the expense of home schooling my children or, heaven forbid, adopting Max NO WAY! I think a newer, bigger car with leather would be lovely, but at the expense of quiet evenings at home with our kids, or being home all day, every day with them NO! We didn't get the memo that security comes from money or stocks or savings. We tried for many years to get a hold of that crazy memo. But by God's grace we were never able to get our hands on it. Through years and years He taught us that we could ONLY rely on Him. He alone is our hope and our salvation.
When He led us back to seminary...with three kids...we knew we could trust Him. When He led us to a church, after being deeply hurt by a church...we knew we could trust Him. When He tells us to give to others when we don't have much...we know we can trust Him and when He called us to bring home another child we knew we could trust Him.
I watch those around me chasing the wealth of the world and I wish they hadn't gotten the memo either. I watch them storing up their treasures in things and money and man's approval and I hurt for them. I think we look different to people right now. The looks on people's faces as they try to tell us, kindly mind you, that we are on the wrong road and clearly this adoption isn't going to happen, basically that we get the credit with God for trying and don't have to actually adopt...tells me they don't get it. When other believers tell us in a matter of fact way that's great for us to adopt but they couldn't do it, they don't get it. (Not that everyone is called to adopt, I wonder if they've asked God about adopting...no matter, we are all called to live differently!) As people live for the next great vacation or new car or bigger house it seems to me they don't get it...or actually they did get it...the memo! The reality is this that the only thing that lasts are the souls of men, not the wealth or the house or the vacation. Why wouldn't I bring more children to my home to teach them about Jesus so that He can call them to Glory? Men are saved through the preaching of the Word, whether it be at home or at church or on the street corner. How are these kids going to hear the preaching of the Word without someone to preach it to them? I'm going to preach it at home to as many as He will allow me to. I know that bringing Max home doesn't insure his salvation, and I know in the end I will know that God is right in whom He calls and does not call, but what would be the point but for lives to be saved?!
So we didn't get the memo and I hope we never do. I hope we look strange to the world and to even the church. I hope we stand out as those odd home schoolers who adopted a kid or two in their old age. :0) I hope God is glorified in all that I do and never ashamed with what I choose to do with the resources He has blessed us with.
Did you get the memo?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
13 Months
A few days ago marked the beginning of our 13th month of official waiting. To say I never saw this coming would be an understatement! Of course the thought crossed my mind that we might pass a year but I quickly cleared my mind of such "nonsense" and believed I was just being negative or gloomy to go there. Yet here we are. Several months ago our social worker sent an update to all waiting families indicating that the wait, after dossier, might be as long as 20 - 24 months. I was so discouraged and heartbroken yet again I chose not to think about it and surely not to be believe it. Those numbers are becoming much more real to me now. It could very well be, and seems likely it might be, after Christmas this year before we bring Max home. How can that be! Every fiber of my being fights against such possibilities. Everything in me hurts and prays it won't be but the evidence is there, and even if we received a referral today, unlikely, it could be 6+ months before we travel. Six months from today is December 3 so the possibility becomes more real with every day we lose.
I really have no idea how to process any of this. I stopped praying for a referral because I'm so tired of being told no. I pray for Max and for his safety, for God to prepare his heart for our family, for his future salvation, for bonding and for our wisdom as we raise him, but I'm not asking for any specifics like "please God bring him home by fall". None of this makes any sense to me. Why the wait? Why the pain? Why does this precious child have to continue in that cold orphanage when he has a family? Why!?! I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I understood more fully, I wish I was better at this.
On a bright side I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. He has not forgotten us, nor our little boy. He will, and is, using this for His glory. He will bring people into our lives who will need to know we waited and we understand the pain, that pain the is deeper than words can express. We waited. We watched him grow from afar with a few pictures here and there. We waited wondering if his booboos are being kissed and if his hand is being held. We waited to tell him to his face that we love him and would do anything for him. We waited and waited and we will continue to wait. We will wait even when people tell me we are on the wrong path and obviously this isn't God's will. We will wait when people tell me I haven't handled this well. (I wonder what handling this well looks like!?) We will wait even as we wonder if it is every going to happen. We will wait until God slams a door shut that cannot be opened. I don't foresee that happening, but if it does we would have to trust Him all the more. He is a good and gracious God and I am so grateful for the ability to truly believe that He is good even when He seems so distant and everything seems so out of control. If we can only call Him good when He seemingly gives us what we want in our time frame that would be very shallow praise indeed!
I really have no idea how to process any of this. I stopped praying for a referral because I'm so tired of being told no. I pray for Max and for his safety, for God to prepare his heart for our family, for his future salvation, for bonding and for our wisdom as we raise him, but I'm not asking for any specifics like "please God bring him home by fall". None of this makes any sense to me. Why the wait? Why the pain? Why does this precious child have to continue in that cold orphanage when he has a family? Why!?! I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I understood more fully, I wish I was better at this.
On a bright side I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. He has not forgotten us, nor our little boy. He will, and is, using this for His glory. He will bring people into our lives who will need to know we waited and we understand the pain, that pain the is deeper than words can express. We waited. We watched him grow from afar with a few pictures here and there. We waited wondering if his booboos are being kissed and if his hand is being held. We waited to tell him to his face that we love him and would do anything for him. We waited and waited and we will continue to wait. We will wait even when people tell me we are on the wrong path and obviously this isn't God's will. We will wait when people tell me I haven't handled this well. (I wonder what handling this well looks like!?) We will wait even as we wonder if it is every going to happen. We will wait until God slams a door shut that cannot be opened. I don't foresee that happening, but if it does we would have to trust Him all the more. He is a good and gracious God and I am so grateful for the ability to truly believe that He is good even when He seems so distant and everything seems so out of control. If we can only call Him good when He seemingly gives us what we want in our time frame that would be very shallow praise indeed!
Monday, April 26, 2010
So Sad
Every corner of my heart hurts right now! I don't want to wait any longer, I don't want to be patient, I don't want to hear anyone else tell me it will happen, I just want it to happen. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be brave, I just want to hold my little boy. I just want to bring him home, I just want to tell him everything is okay now because Mommy and Daddy have come, and his life will never be the same. We're stuck in a seemingly never ending dream in which we know what we are looking for and every time we have about found it, it vanishes again...just out of our reach, so close I can almost feel it and then poof...gone. I am overwhelmed with sadness, I am broken, and I'm not sure how this will ever find resolution. Every corner of my heart hurts right now!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Hard days and a little bloggy philosophy
In the world of international adoption you seem to live from one piece of information to the next, obviously "live" is too strong of a word, but for lack of a better word I'll use it. There are days you would take any kind of information...good or bad. But then, when the bad news comes you wish desperately that you didn't know after all. A side effect of little to know real information is you become an expert at reading between the lines. "What is my SW saying in the email or news letter that she is not actually, outright saying?" This is the most recent type of information we have received, the "reading between the lines" kind. Last Friday Liz, our wonderful SW, told me that she received an long over due email from our Thai SW. She had told Liz it was her intention to get some of the WACAP cases moving, or finished up...something like that. They had 3 days off for the Thai New Year and she would work over the holiday on our cases. There are 3 families that are basically at a year of waiting for their referrals, hopefully we were the three she was referring to. So having this "good" news last week brought some relief this week. Relief in knowing there would be no referrals because Asians are very slow and the mail can't run between the 2 countries quickly. So obviously my mind hopes for next week...or the next, maybe as late as mid-May when our agency travels to Thailand. The Thai SW seems to like to hold onto paperwork for weeks/months and then hand it over in person, even though our WACAP SW practically begs for her to go ahead and send anything that is ready...must be a cultural barrier. So we think in our limited minds "the end of May has to be the latest". So here comes last night's update, we get an update from our SW every Friday evening. At the request of the Thai SW our agency's trip to Thailand has been postponed until June 6th with the little addendum that she (the Thai SW) would like to have some WACAP cases ready by then. :( How sad for all of us. If I am reading between the lines correctly there's not much hope that any referrals will come next week or next month. Huge disappointment it seems that every time we feel that we are getting closer to the end of the wait for a referral the finish line moves! I feel very frustrated and hurt for Max who will be longer in the orphanage, you might be saying just a few weeks, but weeks seem to have a way of turning into months with this adoption. I feel frustrated and hurt for us. I feel angry with the Eastern world for feeling no sense of urgency in any area including getting little children to families who love them!!! Why the wait? How long has our paperwork just set on her desk waiting to be completed? Is it ready and now just sitting again? How long can a child history take for heaven's sake he's only 3 years old? I wrote out my life history in a matter of days and I'm 41! What the heck is going on with these people! But ultimately I understand that God is in control. He has a plan in all of this, a plan that will bring Him glory, I know He does and I do trust Him, but there are days that my faith is a bit shaken...just to be perfectly honest.
In light of my revelation that my faith is sometimes shaken, it's truly where I am but it causes me to also think about...blogging. As we blog we walk a very fine line between revealing too much of our personal struggles and thus not glorifying God with how He is working in our lives, (I happen to think questioning God is sinful as that seems to be when God chose to respond to Job!) and glossing over everything and giving the reader a false picture of who we are, or a false picture of our "heart" as some might say. In this very controlled, 1 dimensional medium it can be tempting to create a "false" self who never struggles and walks through the toughest of circumstances with an ever present song in the heart. It's also quite easy to say too much, having no accountability and therefore feeling the freedom to say things in a blog, you would not say to another person, or even to God for that matter, to be too bold in your complaining. Talking without looking anyone in the eye or even hearing a response on the other end of the phone carries a lot of responsibility.
So I am striving for balance as I share in this blog. My life isn't perfect, nor is my heart, but my life is not terrible either. It hurts more than I can say to wait so long for a little boy on the other side of the globe, and there are days I would rather quit than go on any more. But I also know that I am not doing this for myself. We are adopting because we feel completely called to adopt. God working everything out perfectly doesn't confirm His call nor do difficult waits and an imperfect process negate His call. There's nothing Polly Annaish about our life. My kids make mistakes, my husband is a sinner and likely I am the chief of all sinners in our home. My goal with this blog is to bring glory to God in my sinful, inadequate way. Sometimes my heart is breaking and sometimes it is rejoicing.
I guess I wanted to say all of that because blogging has become so huge in our culture, and I see it as a rather shallow form of self-revelation. "You may see of me exactly what I want you to see be it true or what I would like to be true, but the black in my soul shall never be revealed because I would like for it not to be there", not a very accurate picture of most of us. I hope that those who truly know me recognize the same person writing this blog as they share a church pew with or teach school with, or share a home with. I hope that I don't over sell or under sell myself. My goal is to share our adoption and a portion of our lives, with those who care to know, without pretense or fabrication.
In light of my revelation that my faith is sometimes shaken, it's truly where I am but it causes me to also think about...blogging. As we blog we walk a very fine line between revealing too much of our personal struggles and thus not glorifying God with how He is working in our lives, (I happen to think questioning God is sinful as that seems to be when God chose to respond to Job!) and glossing over everything and giving the reader a false picture of who we are, or a false picture of our "heart" as some might say. In this very controlled, 1 dimensional medium it can be tempting to create a "false" self who never struggles and walks through the toughest of circumstances with an ever present song in the heart. It's also quite easy to say too much, having no accountability and therefore feeling the freedom to say things in a blog, you would not say to another person, or even to God for that matter, to be too bold in your complaining. Talking without looking anyone in the eye or even hearing a response on the other end of the phone carries a lot of responsibility.
So I am striving for balance as I share in this blog. My life isn't perfect, nor is my heart, but my life is not terrible either. It hurts more than I can say to wait so long for a little boy on the other side of the globe, and there are days I would rather quit than go on any more. But I also know that I am not doing this for myself. We are adopting because we feel completely called to adopt. God working everything out perfectly doesn't confirm His call nor do difficult waits and an imperfect process negate His call. There's nothing Polly Annaish about our life. My kids make mistakes, my husband is a sinner and likely I am the chief of all sinners in our home. My goal with this blog is to bring glory to God in my sinful, inadequate way. Sometimes my heart is breaking and sometimes it is rejoicing.
I guess I wanted to say all of that because blogging has become so huge in our culture, and I see it as a rather shallow form of self-revelation. "You may see of me exactly what I want you to see be it true or what I would like to be true, but the black in my soul shall never be revealed because I would like for it not to be there", not a very accurate picture of most of us. I hope that those who truly know me recognize the same person writing this blog as they share a church pew with or teach school with, or share a home with. I hope that I don't over sell or under sell myself. My goal is to share our adoption and a portion of our lives, with those who care to know, without pretense or fabrication.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
11 Months
Yesterday marked the beginning of the 11th month of waiting for our referral. So we've touched every season and after Easter I guess every holiday as well. For some reason in the back of my mind I thought March. Of course way back in August and September I begged it not be March, but still couldn't shake March, now we have one day remaining in March and what I would give for March to have been our month! I pray often and work to remain strong, but honestly there are days that I just doubt. I don't doubt God I just doubt, maybe we were wrong and God isn't in this. Maybe we've made a mistake and we weren't called to adopt. Is this referral ever going to come? I honestly, today, don't know. I wish I were stronger, I wish I understood things better, I wish that I never wondered if we have really missed the boat here, but I do and right now I am. I hate this wait, I hate knowing he is spending many more months in an orphanage alone. I hate that he is getting older without his family, without knowing the love of a mommy and daddy, I hate that he is getting older and not learning English, I hate that the transition for him and the loss for him will be greater for everyday he spends in that awful orphanage. Today...I hate international adoption! I hate that kids are waiting for parents but as parents work toward the end they are told to wait, wait, wait. I hate that we spend so much money to prove to everyone that we are fit to parent this child...that clearly isn't held in the highest regard in his country...just to be told to wait. I hate that children don't have families and no one gets in a hurry to send the few who do have families home. I hate how defeated I feel some days.
However, I do trust God, ultimately even when I get discouraged, I do trust Him. I trust His heart toward us and toward the orphan. I don't believe that He would have brought us this far just to end it, but if He does I will trust that too.
I don't really have a lot to say just that the last 11 months have taken their toll and I feel so terribly sad today. We just keep praying for a miracle...maybe April's our month!
However, I do trust God, ultimately even when I get discouraged, I do trust Him. I trust His heart toward us and toward the orphan. I don't believe that He would have brought us this far just to end it, but if He does I will trust that too.
I don't really have a lot to say just that the last 11 months have taken their toll and I feel so terribly sad today. We just keep praying for a miracle...maybe April's our month!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Lessons Learned
As anyone who has eyes to read, or has spent any time with me in the last 10 months, knows this wait for our Max has been a struggle. I've run the gamut of emotions from stressed, to sad, to angry to calm. I've felt frustrated with the process, angry with God for making us wait, angry with our agency for leading us to believe this process would not take this long and content to know that God is ultimately in control. That being said when we were just a few months into waiting for a referral I would have never believed that the emotions we would feel would range so greatly or the frustration run so deep. I never thought I would feel like quitting, I never thought I would question God's plan for us, and I certainly never thought I would feel repentant for the attitudes I held before this walk. I realize all of those are true and the last one is the most unexpected. I've had to repent of the pride I had at judging other families, further into the wait than I, for their obvious lack of strength. I remember one mom in particular who had waited 11 months for a referral, she was so angry with the agency and chewed out the social worker every couple of weeks. I thought how immature she was and how she needed to get herself together. Now I empathize with her pain. Now I understand, and although I've yet to chew out our social worker I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. She was hurting, she was hopeless and she was lashing out, she also isn't a believer so all of her hope was in the process and the agency. I've also learned that those who are hurting and struggling with this process need support and encouragement, not criticism. Thankfully that mom never knew I was critical of her, but I have been criticized harshly by people who don't understand this kind of wait, and I understand the hurt (even resentment) that kind of criticism creates. I needed encouragement when I felt hopeless and wondered if it might be better to just quit than to wait and be told sometime in the distant future it will never happen. I never planned to quit it was just something I needed to say, a question I needed to ask...what if.. The question wasn't asked in some feeble attempt to be begged to carry on, the question was asked by a mom (me) who felt trapped in a process she barely trusts and has no control over. Thankfully I know the One who does have control over this and every process, and my trust and faith are safe with Him. He has a plan for this suffering, He always does. Looking back I remember that with every baby we lost I knew that God was going to use those experiences for His glory, that He was going to use me to encourage other women who have lost babies. In the last 16 years God has brought countless women into my life whom I have been able to encourage, hold hands with and love through a most painful experience. He will do no less with the hurt, frustration and hopelessness we have felt throughout the waiting for this adoption.
I still beg and pray everyday for a referral, our goal here is to actually see this process come to an end with a sweet little boy added to our family. But I'm so thankful He is still teaching me, still using me and still calling me out when I have behaved in a manor that doesn't bring Him glory...I guess that is best described as sin. My prayer is and ever will be that He uses our family to encourage others to adopt and orphan, that from our suffering new families would be formed and more boys and girls will have mommies and daddies, that makes all this waiting worth while!
I still beg and pray everyday for a referral, our goal here is to actually see this process come to an end with a sweet little boy added to our family. But I'm so thankful He is still teaching me, still using me and still calling me out when I have behaved in a manor that doesn't bring Him glory...I guess that is best described as sin. My prayer is and ever will be that He uses our family to encourage others to adopt and orphan, that from our suffering new families would be formed and more boys and girls will have mommies and daddies, that makes all this waiting worth while!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy
We are not a big birthday family, actually we aren't really a big anything family, that's shocking I think to many southerners who pride themselves on more family traditions than months in the year. That's all fine for them, but for us we are a bit more low key. Though we aren't big tradition people we love each other very much and I love the day to day life of raising a family. There's no place I'd rather be than in my home with my kids...and honestly in my home alone every once in a while. I love to cook for my family and hear my kids talk to one another and make each other laugh. We've not had a big need to fill up our lives with traditions that demand compliance. Saying that I wonder about the future. I shared with a dear friend at church that although it is Max's birthday I'm not sad about missing the day, and I'm still not, I'm sad about missing the time. I thought he would be home by now and he's not. She said we might become big birthday people when Max does come home and as I think about it she's right. Birthdays might take on a whole new meaning when at least 3 were spent alone. I don't know. I do know this has been a difficult few days for me. I'm so tired of the wait and the not knowing. I never expected my heart to become this involved but it has. Had the wait been shorter it would have been so much easier, but then I would have never known it was easier, so this is right too, this is part of the plan. In these last few weeks our social worker has proven to be an invaluable source of strength. Unlike our previous worker, whom I loved as well but was overwhelmed, Liz responds to every email, usually within the first day. She smiles when she talks to me, I can see it although we've never met and she understands how hard this is and how much we hurt. She is soothing salve for my frazzled nerves. The longer the process takes the more closely she is walking with us. We've need some hand holding and will be forever grateful for her hand.
We've also had friends coming out of the woodwork praying for us and with us and lending us (me) their strength. Our church has been such a source of support and love. I know so many people don't understand the process or why we would do this, purposefully put ourselves through this kind of pain, but they are still there supporting us. Over the last few weeks I have worried that this wait has messed everything up. Any kind of witness this might be to others has been blown by this wait. But as I read God's word and pray I understand that His name can not not be glorified (double negative I know). He has a purpose and a plan, He has huge reasons for holding off on our referral. Maybe if the church and people don't see the suffering, don't see the hurt and the longing, don't see us wait for endless days, the impact would be less. Maybe Max's homecoming will create such joy that it will be as if His name is shouted from the mountain tops. The best thing about this wait is that there is no way anyone else will be able to claim any glory for this homecoming. This is all God. Even our ability to persevere is all God, given to us as a precious gift...although the gift seems bitter sweet at times.
All these many words to say, that although my faith is shaken some days, it is NOT broken. Although there are many days that I cry out to Him "I can't do this another day" He gives me just enough strength to make it through that day and not a drop more. Today a friend graciously reminded me that He is holding all of my tears in a bottle, He is fully aware of the depth of our pain. That bottle must be huge because I have cried every day for months now. But I trust my heavenly Father more than I trust the ground I walk on. I trust Him with my children...all 4 of them, I trust Him with my pain, I trust Him with my joy, He is the source of all life for me. I know He is going to bring Max home and when He does we will all praise His glorious name again.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the Lord;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."
Habakkuk 3:17-19
So sweet boy you have a date, one year from today with your mommy, daddy, brother and sisters and it will be the best birthday you have ever had...I promise.
Hold on sweet boy Mommy is coming!
We've also had friends coming out of the woodwork praying for us and with us and lending us (me) their strength. Our church has been such a source of support and love. I know so many people don't understand the process or why we would do this, purposefully put ourselves through this kind of pain, but they are still there supporting us. Over the last few weeks I have worried that this wait has messed everything up. Any kind of witness this might be to others has been blown by this wait. But as I read God's word and pray I understand that His name can not not be glorified (double negative I know). He has a purpose and a plan, He has huge reasons for holding off on our referral. Maybe if the church and people don't see the suffering, don't see the hurt and the longing, don't see us wait for endless days, the impact would be less. Maybe Max's homecoming will create such joy that it will be as if His name is shouted from the mountain tops. The best thing about this wait is that there is no way anyone else will be able to claim any glory for this homecoming. This is all God. Even our ability to persevere is all God, given to us as a precious gift...although the gift seems bitter sweet at times.
All these many words to say, that although my faith is shaken some days, it is NOT broken. Although there are many days that I cry out to Him "I can't do this another day" He gives me just enough strength to make it through that day and not a drop more. Today a friend graciously reminded me that He is holding all of my tears in a bottle, He is fully aware of the depth of our pain. That bottle must be huge because I have cried every day for months now. But I trust my heavenly Father more than I trust the ground I walk on. I trust Him with my children...all 4 of them, I trust Him with my pain, I trust Him with my joy, He is the source of all life for me. I know He is going to bring Max home and when He does we will all praise His glorious name again.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the Lord;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."
Habakkuk 3:17-19
So sweet boy you have a date, one year from today with your mommy, daddy, brother and sisters and it will be the best birthday you have ever had...I promise.
Hold on sweet boy Mommy is coming!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Fears...
We are now in our 10th month of waiting. The dossier traveled to Thailand last May and now it is March. How crazy is this? I had a kind of panic attack this week and convinced myself this was never going to happen, that we would wait and wait and in the end they would say "sorry, there's been a mistake". I emailed our agency and asked if that was the case, asked if it was worth it to carry on of we are just going to be denied in the end. It wasn't so much a desire to quit but a desire to make the hatchet swing sooner than later. Our sweet social worker called and we talked for a very long time. She had no news for me only comfort that there is no sinister plan not to give us our boy after making us wait. That brought relief, to some degree. It's still very hard for me to trust that they are actually going to do this, I think at times I have become so accustom to disappointment that it just seems like that's were this will end. But I also trust my heavenly Father who has intervened on our behalf over and over. He has given us miracle upon miracle, why would he stop this now? So I'll walk on in blind faith. I just feel so much despair at times but I know what he has called us to do and I don't believe he will desert us.
Through this process we are learning a lot. We are learning how weak we really are. We are learning how wonderful it is to have godly friends who know when you need your hand held. We are also learning, sadly, that there are people you cannot count on. I'm so glad those who are faithful out number the others 2 to 1. The realization has hurt though. I know that God can and will be glorified through all that we walk through. I know that when I am at my weakest, crying out in desperation he is at his strongest. I'm so grateful for a father who is big enough to with stand our doubts and fears, a God who would rather we be honest with him than to fake it.
Maybe this will be our week. I hope and pray so. We continue to pray every day for our referral, for the time to come that we can go to Thailand and bring our little boy home.
Through this process we are learning a lot. We are learning how weak we really are. We are learning how wonderful it is to have godly friends who know when you need your hand held. We are also learning, sadly, that there are people you cannot count on. I'm so glad those who are faithful out number the others 2 to 1. The realization has hurt though. I know that God can and will be glorified through all that we walk through. I know that when I am at my weakest, crying out in desperation he is at his strongest. I'm so grateful for a father who is big enough to with stand our doubts and fears, a God who would rather we be honest with him than to fake it.
Maybe this will be our week. I hope and pray so. We continue to pray every day for our referral, for the time to come that we can go to Thailand and bring our little boy home.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
He's Not Real
It's been 6 weeks since I wrote anything and in that time nothing has happened to move our adoption forward. This has been a most difficult road to walk and a very lonely journey. In our hearts Max is very real, he is with us constantly. I pray for him all the time, I think about him as much as I do my other children, but to others he's not real, not yet. That was so clear to me this week-end as we celebrated Veldon's dad's retirement with his family. No one is unkind about Max but it hit me square between the eyes that to them he's not real. They don't wonder about him and ask about him. I did finally show pictures because I want and need him to be real. Everyone is so nice to humor me and smile, but he's just a little boy in a picture, I get that. I have to be honest that I resent that he hasn't come home yet. Since I really can't resent God, I know he has all of this in his hand, I choose to resent Thailand and their seeming indifference to their children living in orphanages when they have families waiting to bring them home. Mostly I just feel sad though at all we are missing. Obviously he doesn't know that he is missing a mommy and daddy and siblings, he has no understanding as to what any of that means and won't for a very long time even after coming home. But we know that we are all missing so much.
I never thought, even in my least optimistic moments, that it would be March 2 and still no referral. I thought surely just after the first of the year, not months later. But here we sit with no referral and no news, we hear from our SW on Fridays when she sends out a program update but other than that we don't even hear from our agency. It is heartbreaking and lonely. Maybe this will be the month that something changes, maybe we'll get our referral or maybe April then May will come with no news. I have no idea and my heart is broken. Everyday we pray for a miracle...maybe today's the day!
I never thought, even in my least optimistic moments, that it would be March 2 and still no referral. I thought surely just after the first of the year, not months later. But here we sit with no referral and no news, we hear from our SW on Fridays when she sends out a program update but other than that we don't even hear from our agency. It is heartbreaking and lonely. Maybe this will be the month that something changes, maybe we'll get our referral or maybe April then May will come with no news. I have no idea and my heart is broken. Everyday we pray for a miracle...maybe today's the day!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Waiting
Nobody likes to wait, it's not something we are prone to enjoy. We live in a hedonistic society. We have been programmed by mass marketing to get whatever we need, want, or think we might want at some time, right away. We don't wait for furniture to wear out before we throw it in the trash for the updated/upgraded newest style. The same is true of most everything else. Waiting is the opposite of what any of us want. So as we wait for our little boy I wonder about it all because like anyone I HATE to wait. That being said my goal since we started this has been that God would be glorified through this process. That our lives would never become about our adoption but about our obedience to Him who has called us to this. I don't believe that as I am walking through the process I can accurately or objectively evaluate my progress. I hope that I am never too absorbed with myself to see how God is moving, or to glorify Him. Of course, there are really bad days when we get terrible news or find out that waits are longer. I cry, and I hurt and then I worry that I am being unfaithful to God. I just don't know. I shared with my friend that I wish I could be more like Job, he was so good through the terrible trials of his life. She said Job was human and he probably cried, he felt all the emotions that we all feel. He hurt deeply, he struggled with his loss, and he wondered at what was going on. She then suggested I read through Job. Job is a really, really long book full of a lot of monologues. I decided, as any good American who struggles with waiting would, to read the parts I like first. I love Job's fourth friend. Actually, you can't really even call him a friend. He was much younger than Job and he is never identified as a friend. He was really more an observer, a younger man sitting with the older men, listening for wisdom but remaining silent until he could be silent no more. He rebukes Job, not for any sin that brought on this calamity but rather for believing that he (Job) was blameless, and for focusing on his own virtues rather than those of God. Elihu exalts the greatness of God. He tells Job that we are sinful and therefore deserving of any judgment God sends our way. His rebuke of Job is harsh and his passion for defending the name of God great. He turns everything around and points it all to God. It's a beautiful group of chapters. We must assume that Elihu is right in what he says because after God has spoken for Himself and puts Job in his place he rebukes Job's three friends. God then requires that Job offer a sacrifice on his friends behalf for their sinful behavior. Elihu is not mentioned in God's rebuke. What a true friend he turned out to be. Which leads me to wonder; during the great trials of our lives are we licking our wounds or watching our God? Are we just questioning what the heck is going on and why God is picking on me...(I've never had those thoughts of course) or are we looking for God in the storm? I must believe that God would have never pointed Job out to "The Accuser" had he not known that Job's faith was great. His devotion to God was true and right. God knew that Job would stand the test. As we are enduring a great test, nothing like Job's mind you, I trust that God knows that we will stand, we will remain faithful to His call and we will remain obedient. God won't make the wait one day longer than we can endure, not based on our love for our future son, but based on the depth of our faith. He won't test us beyond the breaking point of our faith. Abraham was tested when he was led to sacrifice Isaac, the test wasn't for God but for Abraham. Abraham knew, after this test, that he would withhold nothing from God. His faith was so strong, he was so convinced of God's covenant with him that he believed that God would raise Isaac from the dead...after all he was the child of promise! That's incredible faith, after all Abraham had never seen anyone raised from the dead...that I can think of.
There's really nothing profound in all that I have said, but if God never tested us we would never know the depth of our own faith. If God gave us an "easy button" (as I have often wished for) how would our faith be strengthened? We have been asked to endure much with this adoption. Our sweet boy has had two surgeries without us. We didn't know for months, not days or weeks...months, if we would even be able to adopt him. During that wait we didn't know if another family would snatch him up...he is so adorable. All we could do was trust God through those months, if this was God's will then this sweet boy would be our son...period. We've been given bad time lines and inaccurate information, we've been in the dark more than in the light. But all the while God has remained faithful. He has surrounded us with family, good friends, and a church family, specifically a choir and SS class, who are holding our hands and praying for us. Encouragement comes nearly everyday from expected and unexpected sources. We are so grateful. Had we not already waited 14 months, with many more ahead, we would have missed so much. We would have missed the encouragement, and the prayers. We would have missed the faithful giving us strength when ours grows weak.
I'm so excited to race to Thailand and snatch up our precious boy, but over the last 72 hours I'm also grateful for a little bit more perspective. So I will remain strong. (If I blow it once or twice He's faithful to forgive.) I refuse to mope or lick my wounds. I can't manipulate God or make His time change all I can do is my best to glorify Him always!
There's really nothing profound in all that I have said, but if God never tested us we would never know the depth of our own faith. If God gave us an "easy button" (as I have often wished for) how would our faith be strengthened? We have been asked to endure much with this adoption. Our sweet boy has had two surgeries without us. We didn't know for months, not days or weeks...months, if we would even be able to adopt him. During that wait we didn't know if another family would snatch him up...he is so adorable. All we could do was trust God through those months, if this was God's will then this sweet boy would be our son...period. We've been given bad time lines and inaccurate information, we've been in the dark more than in the light. But all the while God has remained faithful. He has surrounded us with family, good friends, and a church family, specifically a choir and SS class, who are holding our hands and praying for us. Encouragement comes nearly everyday from expected and unexpected sources. We are so grateful. Had we not already waited 14 months, with many more ahead, we would have missed so much. We would have missed the encouragement, and the prayers. We would have missed the faithful giving us strength when ours grows weak.
I'm so excited to race to Thailand and snatch up our precious boy, but over the last 72 hours I'm also grateful for a little bit more perspective. So I will remain strong. (If I blow it once or twice He's faithful to forgive.) I refuse to mope or lick my wounds. I can't manipulate God or make His time change all I can do is my best to glorify Him always!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
8 Months
This is month number 8 in our wait for a referral. We've known of families waiting for as long as 11 months and then 6 - 8 more for travel. To date I haven't heard of anyone waiting longer than 11 months without special circumstances, for example the courts are undecided if the child is adoptable. Being this far along and our agency having been in Thailand twice since we put him on hold, once since the dossier went, I don't think we will fall under the special circumstances label. Therefore, I have to comfort myself that we surely will get our referral in the next 3 months. It's not really monumental, having a referral in hand as there is still a long wait, but the counting can begin. We can know that within about 8 months we will be traveling. In late fall of 09 I really had to mourn the fact that the dates we thought we would be traveling were going to be inaccurate. I was very prepared emotionally to pick up our sweet boy this spring, now it will likely be late summer or fall. Amazingly time keeps marching on, as if we are not waiting, and as if there is no hurry...sometimes life and time are harsh. It seems time is always the enemy, we are constantly asking for more time, or wishing time would pass more slowly...or quickly. Rarely do we just sit content in the time we are in. That's my goal for this new year, to sit content in this adoption. I think, generally speaking, I am a pretty content person, as I said, generally speaking. I don't live for whatever is next on the calendar, I figure it will get here. I also prefer not live for the future as I think it would make life exhausting and disappointing. Contentment with this adoption has been a different story, the longer we wait the more discontent I sometimes feel. When we started this process I compared the wait to the years of waiting for our first child. It has been remarkably similar. There was nothing we could do to make my body carry a child except pray, there is nothing we can do to hurry this adoption along except pray. We had no time frame as to when I might be able to deliver a child, we are without a time frame right now as well. One thing that did come from the years of waiting and frustration was an overwhelming desire to be home with my baby. Of course every mom wants that...I think, but this was so deep and unquenchable. I worked full time when Hayden was born and had to continue for a time, but within a year God had allowed me to move to part time and 6 months later I was home full time! The wait and yearning created a different me, a mom that was willing to give up anything to be with her child. And we did make some big sacrifices...like a normal house. We moved to a 750 sq ft. trailer at the seminary Veldon was attending. Although small we found that trailer to be a gift. From that moment on I've just been a mom, I've had part time jobs here and there and worked full time for about 3 months once, but I'm a mom. I don't leave my kids very often I just can't stand it! When we go to Thailand it will be the longest my kids have ever been without me. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my first job is to my husband and my children. I've had to make sacrifices, as all moms do, but I think that God allowing me to wait so long for my first child changed my heart more than anything. I don't believe there is anything more important for me right now. Our pastor said today that the number 1 priority (or job I can't remember) of a mom is to maintain the home and nurture the next generation. I completely agree! God has called me to this; there's nothing more important for me right now. There will come a day, in the very distant future that I will have the freedom to do more, but for now my priorities are the 3 (4) lives given to me. I asked a friend of mine last fall, who has a 4 year old from China, if she found it difficult to slow down when they brought their daughter home. They have older children like we do so I wondered about the transition, she just laughed and said it was a joy and there was nothing difficult about it. What an encouragement! (They have just begun another adoption from China.) So my prayer, after this long, rambling entry, is that God will use this time of waiting to do a work in me as he did the first time we waited. Of course he will, he only has our good in mind. Sometimes I shutter at the thought of what kind of mom or person I might have been had God not brought such trails into my life. What a wonderful and gracious God we have who uses every opportunity to teach us and mold us into the person he desires for us to be, I'm afraid there's much more work on me...maybe that explains the wait!
So tomorrow is another business day, and like everyday before it I hope and pray that it will be the day we get the call that our referral has come. If not we'll move on and pray for the call to come on Tuesday! :)
So tomorrow is another business day, and like everyday before it I hope and pray that it will be the day we get the call that our referral has come. If not we'll move on and pray for the call to come on Tuesday! :)
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