...but not in a good way! Our Thai Social Worker leaves Thailand for 5 weeks in 1 week and if we don't get the referral, the referral that she led our American SW to believe was complete but not ready, then we won't get anything until November or later. When our agency came home from Thailand our SW told me to write the acceptance letter the referral was on it's way. She believed we could travel as soon as Jan or Feb. I'm pretty sure she's changed her mind now. Naunthip traveling to China won't set us back 5 weeks it will set us back months. She won't come home and think about our case and get it moving, history seems to prove that she gives very little thought to American families waiting for their child.
I decided not to write the letter because, although I'm a believer and don't believe in karma or other junk like that, I was afraid I would jinx the process. Of course God is sovereign, and I can't jinx anything, but after almost 2 years of waiting on this child I'm a little weird sometimes. Yesterday I felt convicted for a lack of faith so I wrote the letter. I cried through the whole thing because it felt so great to write about how much we want this little boy. To promise to make him our son and love and protect him forever, but it was hard too. Technically, I wasn't writing it for the reason most people write it...or technically I was, but I wasn't writing it in the same order that most people do...one of those things. Anyway, I just felt so heavy and sad that I wasn't writing it because it was going to be notarized and overnighted to our SW and the proverbial ball was going to be rolling. I was writing it on a hope, and faith that the referral, that is so late, is on it's way. So do I trust God that it's coming right now? Did He stir my heart, convict me for a lack of faith, and lead me to write the letter as our SW had encouraged. Or was it my own heart saying "look God I wrote the letter in faith...now you have to send a referral"? I don't know!! I really don't know!! I know how I will feel next week if no referral comes. I know I will feel let down I know I'll be frustrated with God because I'll have let myself hope that the referral was coming, that's why He had me write the letter. Of course, I know that any mistakes made, any misunderstandings are not on the part of the Sovereign but on the part of the sinful human. I'm going to hope and pray that the referral is on it's way, but if it's not I will survive the disappointment, I don't know how, but I don't have to worry about that. God promises to give us just enough grace to make it through each day not any extra but not a drop too little either.
When Max comes home only God will be able to receive the glory for sustaining us through this nightmare of a wait. For making the process work after months and months of it not working and for protecting a little boy until he is safely in the arms of his mommy and daddy. No matter how it works now it will be a miracle.
"So please, go ahead God and bring him home for Your name's sake!"
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