Happy Birthday Sweet Boy

We are not a big birthday family, actually we aren't really a big anything family, that's shocking I think to many southerners who pride themselves on more family traditions than months in the year. That's all fine for them, but for us we are a bit more low key. Though we aren't big tradition people we love each other very much and I love the day to day life of raising a family. There's no place I'd rather be than in my home with my kids...and honestly in my home alone every once in a while. I love to cook for my family and hear my kids talk to one another and make each other laugh. We've not had a big need to fill up our lives with traditions that demand compliance. Saying that I wonder about the future. I shared with a dear friend at church that although it is Max's birthday I'm not sad about missing the day, and I'm still not, I'm sad about missing the time. I thought he would be home by now and he's not. She said we might become big birthday people when Max does come home and as I think about it she's right. Birthdays might take on a whole new meaning when at least 3 were spent alone. I don't know. I do know this has been a difficult few days for me. I'm so tired of the wait and the not knowing. I never expected my heart to become this involved but it has. Had the wait been shorter it would have been so much easier, but then I would have never known it was easier, so this is right too, this is part of the plan. In these last few weeks our social worker has proven to be an invaluable source of strength. Unlike our previous worker, whom I loved as well but was overwhelmed, Liz responds to every email, usually within the first day. She smiles when she talks to me, I can see it although we've never met and she understands how hard this is and how much we hurt. She is soothing salve for my frazzled nerves. The longer the process takes the more closely she is walking with us. We've need some hand holding and will be forever grateful for her hand.

We've also had friends coming out of the woodwork praying for us and with us and lending us (me) their strength. Our church has been such a source of support and love. I know so many people don't understand the process or why we would do this, purposefully put ourselves through this kind of pain, but they are still there supporting us. Over the last few weeks I have worried that this wait has messed everything up. Any kind of witness this might be to others has been blown by this wait. But as I read God's word and pray I understand that His name can not not be glorified (double negative I know). He has a purpose and a plan, He has huge reasons for holding off on our referral. Maybe if the church and people don't see the suffering, don't see the hurt and the longing, don't see us wait for endless days, the impact would be less. Maybe Max's homecoming will create such joy that it will be as if His name is shouted from the mountain tops. The best thing about this wait is that there is no way anyone else will be able to claim any glory for this homecoming. This is all God. Even our ability to persevere is all God, given to us as a precious gift...although the gift seems bitter sweet at times.

All these many words to say, that although my faith is shaken some days, it is NOT broken. Although there are many days that I cry out to Him "I can't do this another day" He gives me just enough strength to make it through that day and not a drop more. Today a friend graciously reminded me that He is holding all of my tears in a bottle, He is fully aware of the depth of our pain. That bottle must be huge because I have cried every day for months now. But I trust my heavenly Father more than I trust the ground I walk on. I trust Him with my children...all 4 of them, I trust Him with my pain, I trust Him with my joy, He is the source of all life for me. I know He is going to bring Max home and when He does we will all praise His glorious name again.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the Lord;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:17-19

So sweet boy you have a date, one year from today with your mommy, daddy, brother and sisters and it will be the best birthday you have ever had...I promise.

Hold on sweet boy Mommy is coming!