We are now in our 10th month of waiting. The dossier traveled to Thailand last May and now it is March. How crazy is this? I had a kind of panic attack this week and convinced myself this was never going to happen, that we would wait and wait and in the end they would say "sorry, there's been a mistake". I emailed our agency and asked if that was the case, asked if it was worth it to carry on of we are just going to be denied in the end. It wasn't so much a desire to quit but a desire to make the hatchet swing sooner than later. Our sweet social worker called and we talked for a very long time. She had no news for me only comfort that there is no sinister plan not to give us our boy after making us wait. That brought relief, to some degree. It's still very hard for me to trust that they are actually going to do this, I think at times I have become so accustom to disappointment that it just seems like that's were this will end. But I also trust my heavenly Father who has intervened on our behalf over and over. He has given us miracle upon miracle, why would he stop this now? So I'll walk on in blind faith. I just feel so much despair at times but I know what he has called us to do and I don't believe he will desert us.
Through this process we are learning a lot. We are learning how weak we really are. We are learning how wonderful it is to have godly friends who know when you need your hand held. We are also learning, sadly, that there are people you cannot count on. I'm so glad those who are faithful out number the others 2 to 1. The realization has hurt though. I know that God can and will be glorified through all that we walk through. I know that when I am at my weakest, crying out in desperation he is at his strongest. I'm so grateful for a father who is big enough to with stand our doubts and fears, a God who would rather we be honest with him than to fake it.
Maybe this will be our week. I hope and pray so. We continue to pray every day for our referral, for the time to come that we can go to Thailand and bring our little boy home.
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