Lessons Learned

As anyone who has eyes to read, or has spent any time with me in the last 10 months, knows this wait for our Max has been a struggle. I've run the gamut of emotions from stressed, to sad, to angry to calm. I've felt frustrated with the process, angry with God for making us wait, angry with our agency for leading us to believe this process would not take this long and content to know that God is ultimately in control. That being said when we were just a few months into waiting for a referral I would have never believed that the emotions we would feel would range so greatly or the frustration run so deep. I never thought I would feel like quitting, I never thought I would question God's plan for us, and I certainly never thought I would feel repentant for the attitudes I held before this walk. I realize all of those are true and the last one is the most unexpected. I've had to repent of the pride I had at judging other families, further into the wait than I, for their obvious lack of strength. I remember one mom in particular who had waited 11 months for a referral, she was so angry with the agency and chewed out the social worker every couple of weeks. I thought how immature she was and how she needed to get herself together. Now I empathize with her pain. Now I understand, and although I've yet to chew out our social worker I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. She was hurting, she was hopeless and she was lashing out, she also isn't a believer so all of her hope was in the process and the agency. I've also learned that those who are hurting and struggling with this process need support and encouragement, not criticism. Thankfully that mom never knew I was critical of her, but I have been criticized harshly by people who don't understand this kind of wait, and I understand the hurt (even resentment) that kind of criticism creates. I needed encouragement when I felt hopeless and wondered if it might be better to just quit than to wait and be told sometime in the distant future it will never happen. I never planned to quit it was just something I needed to say, a question I needed to ask...what if.. The question wasn't asked in some feeble attempt to be begged to carry on, the question was asked by a mom (me) who felt trapped in a process she barely trusts and has no control over. Thankfully I know the One who does have control over this and every process, and my trust and faith are safe with Him. He has a plan for this suffering, He always does. Looking back I remember that with every baby we lost I knew that God was going to use those experiences for His glory, that He was going to use me to encourage other women who have lost babies. In the last 16 years God has brought countless women into my life whom I have been able to encourage, hold hands with and love through a most painful experience. He will do no less with the hurt, frustration and hopelessness we have felt throughout the waiting for this adoption.

I still beg and pray everyday for a referral, our goal here is to actually see this process come to an end with a sweet little boy added to our family. But I'm so thankful He is still teaching me, still using me and still calling me out when I have behaved in a manor that doesn't bring Him glory...I guess that is best described as sin. My prayer is and ever will be that He uses our family to encourage others to adopt and orphan, that from our suffering new families would be formed and more boys and girls will have mommies and daddies, that makes all this waiting worth while!