13 Months

A few days ago marked the beginning of our 13th month of official waiting. To say I never saw this coming would be an understatement! Of course the thought crossed my mind that we might pass a year but I quickly cleared my mind of such "nonsense" and believed I was just being negative or gloomy to go there. Yet here we are. Several months ago our social worker sent an update to all waiting families indicating that the wait, after dossier, might be as long as 20 - 24 months. I was so discouraged and heartbroken yet again I chose not to think about it and surely not to be believe it. Those numbers are becoming much more real to me now. It could very well be, and seems likely it might be, after Christmas this year before we bring Max home. How can that be! Every fiber of my being fights against such possibilities. Everything in me hurts and prays it won't be but the evidence is there, and even if we received a referral today, unlikely, it could be 6+ months before we travel. Six months from today is December 3 so the possibility becomes more real with every day we lose.

I really have no idea how to process any of this. I stopped praying for a referral because I'm so tired of being told no. I pray for Max and for his safety, for God to prepare his heart for our family, for his future salvation, for bonding and for our wisdom as we raise him, but I'm not asking for any specifics like "please God bring him home by fall". None of this makes any sense to me. Why the wait? Why the pain? Why does this precious child have to continue in that cold orphanage when he has a family? Why!?! I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I understood more fully, I wish I was better at this.

On a bright side I do believe God has a plan and a purpose. He has not forgotten us, nor our little boy. He will, and is, using this for His glory. He will bring people into our lives who will need to know we waited and we understand the pain, that pain the is deeper than words can express. We waited. We watched him grow from afar with a few pictures here and there. We waited wondering if his booboos are being kissed and if his hand is being held. We waited to tell him to his face that we love him and would do anything for him. We waited and waited and we will continue to wait. We will wait even when people tell me we are on the wrong path and obviously this isn't God's will. We will wait when people tell me I haven't handled this well. (I wonder what handling this well looks like!?) We will wait even as we wonder if it is every going to happen. We will wait until God slams a door shut that cannot be opened. I don't foresee that happening, but if it does we would have to trust Him all the more. He is a good and gracious God and I am so grateful for the ability to truly believe that He is good even when He seems so distant and everything seems so out of control. If we can only call Him good when He seemingly gives us what we want in our time frame that would be very shallow praise indeed!