11 Months

Yesterday marked the beginning of the 11th month of waiting for our referral. So we've touched every season and after Easter I guess every holiday as well. For some reason in the back of my mind I thought March. Of course way back in August and September I begged it not be March, but still couldn't shake March, now we have one day remaining in March and what I would give for March to have been our month! I pray often and work to remain strong, but honestly there are days that I just doubt. I don't doubt God I just doubt, maybe we were wrong and God isn't in this. Maybe we've made a mistake and we weren't called to adopt. Is this referral ever going to come? I honestly, today, don't know. I wish I were stronger, I wish I understood things better, I wish that I never wondered if we have really missed the boat here, but I do and right now I am. I hate this wait, I hate knowing he is spending many more months in an orphanage alone. I hate that he is getting older without his family, without knowing the love of a mommy and daddy, I hate that he is getting older and not learning English, I hate that the transition for him and the loss for him will be greater for everyday he spends in that awful orphanage. Today...I hate international adoption! I hate that kids are waiting for parents but as parents work toward the end they are told to wait, wait, wait. I hate that we spend so much money to prove to everyone that we are fit to parent this child...that clearly isn't held in the highest regard in his country...just to be told to wait. I hate that children don't have families and no one gets in a hurry to send the few who do have families home. I hate how defeated I feel some days.

However, I do trust God, ultimately even when I get discouraged, I do trust Him. I trust His heart toward us and toward the orphan. I don't believe that He would have brought us this far just to end it, but if He does I will trust that too.

I don't really have a lot to say just that the last 11 months have taken their toll and I feel so terribly sad today. We just keep praying for a miracle...maybe April's our month!