15 Months

We have now started our 15th month of waiting for the referral. There's really nothing new to report. The same info from the agency, they expect it any time, aren't sure why it hasn't come yet, blah, blah, blah... The agency is scheduled to travel on Aug. 15 to see the children they represent as well as add new children to their list to advocate for. We can send a list of questions we would like answered...my only real question is where the heck is our referral? That's really all I care about. Perhaps I should be caring about how well he sleeps or what his favorite activities are, but what's the point in knowing all of that if he never actually gets here? I don't understand. I would like our social worker to ask the Thai social worker to define "top priority" because she said our case was a "top priority" last November and now she doesn't seem to be willing to answer questions about where our referral is.

To say I'm discouraged is probably an understatement. I've asked to be taken off all the email lists and not to have any real contact with the agency. I'm sure it's very selfish but I just can't handle hearing about other happy families receiving their referrals, To Whom letters or travel dates. I cried every Friday when that dreaded program update came, and I decided it needed to end so they graciously agreed to leave me alone. They will however now send the information to Veldon's email and he will let me know if I need to know anything. So far I haven't missed anything. I hate that Max is growing, growing, growing without his family. I hate that the social worker in Thailand doesn't seem to care about his wait or ours. I hate being criticized by others who have had different adoption situations for being discouraged and not wanting to hear about other families right now. I really hate so much about this. I wish that no one ever had to walk through this, most of all me. I wish that God would answer our prayers for the referral but right now He is silent. I don't understand any of this but it's not for me to understand, just to trust.

So I do trust God. I do trust that His hand is on the process and I do trust that Max will come home when God wills for him to. Every single day I will remind myself that I do trust God with this process and He will prove me right...thank goodness there's one sure thing in this!