He's Not Real

It's been 6 weeks since I wrote anything and in that time nothing has happened to move our adoption forward. This has been a most difficult road to walk and a very lonely journey. In our hearts Max is very real, he is with us constantly. I pray for him all the time, I think about him as much as I do my other children, but to others he's not real, not yet. That was so clear to me this week-end as we celebrated Veldon's dad's retirement with his family. No one is unkind about Max but it hit me square between the eyes that to them he's not real. They don't wonder about him and ask about him. I did finally show pictures because I want and need him to be real. Everyone is so nice to humor me and smile, but he's just a little boy in a picture, I get that. I have to be honest that I resent that he hasn't come home yet. Since I really can't resent God, I know he has all of this in his hand, I choose to resent Thailand and their seeming indifference to their children living in orphanages when they have families waiting to bring them home. Mostly I just feel sad though at all we are missing. Obviously he doesn't know that he is missing a mommy and daddy and siblings, he has no understanding as to what any of that means and won't for a very long time even after coming home. But we know that we are all missing so much.

I never thought, even in my least optimistic moments, that it would be March 2 and still no referral. I thought surely just after the first of the year, not months later. But here we sit with no referral and no news, we hear from our SW on Fridays when she sends out a program update but other than that we don't even hear from our agency. It is heartbreaking and lonely. Maybe this will be the month that something changes, maybe we'll get our referral or maybe April then May will come with no news. I have no idea and my heart is broken. Everyday we pray for a miracle...maybe today's the day!