This Child of my Heart...

There's a little boy living thousands of miles away from his family, his siblings, his life. The call from our agency this week confirmed what I knew would be the outcome of our agency's long anticipated trip to Thailand. No referral. He will continue to wait for the one form that will get his adoption moving. We have no control over this process, a process that has in so many ways has shaken my faith and left my heart bleeding. We have no one to appeal to save our Heavenly Father and right now those appeals seem largely unheard. As others are getting news of travel to Thailand and picking up their children, one little boy seems largely forgotten, passed over by our Father. Although I try and try I can't come to any conclusions as to why this sweet little boy, with the big brown eyes, still sits in an orphanage waiting.

We have prayed and begged God to move our adoption forward...to no avail. We have fasted and claimed scripture...nothing. I have wondered about my motivations, I have begged God to tell me if we've made a mistake and we are not to adopt this child...silence. There are no good feelings in me right now. My logic is working alone to trust God because my heart is rebelling in ways I dare not share. I will share this though, there's this part of me that wonders if this is too big for God...I know! If God can't deal with this than everything I have believed about Him for so long would be wrong...but more importantly His Word would be wrong...which could never be! But my rebellious heart still lends the question with amazing frequency. Maybe some how these questions from my heart that defy the Word of God and even defy my own knowledge are creating this situation, maybe my lack of faithfulness is bringing about this wait...how do I combat that? I pray I read I study...but I still doubt. If that is the case then all hope is lost because I am struggling so right now.

I struggle with all talk of adoption right now. I steer clear of conversations about my feelings and this adoption except with a few whom I deeply trust. I'm not sure how to walk through the rest of the wait with grace. I so want to throw a fit and get God's attention, but of course if doing my best to be faithful and to seek Him through this process doesn't have His attention then a sinful fit surely would not bring the attention I desire! It's not for me to understand, I know that, but I do wonder why some orphans come home so quickly. I wonder why there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for our wait...his wait...and yet we are all waiting. Is God's concern for some greater than His concern for others? I don't think so, but in my humanity I can't figure it out. I have to trust the mystery of His will. I know that! I have to trust His heart...I know that too. I have to trust His Word. I know that. I know, I know, I know, but then it seems I don't. When He is silent for so long I fail and I have failed over and over again.

We will continue to wait. I'm not sure we'll ever recover from this pain. I'm not sure how we could. I know if and when Max comes home it will feel better, but I'll always miss these wasted months that he could have been home. I'll always miss that for too long I didn't tuck him into bed and care for his needs...how do we recover from that?

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!
Habakkuk 2:3