11 Months

Yesterday marked the beginning of the 11th month of waiting for our referral. So we've touched every season and after Easter I guess every holiday as well. For some reason in the back of my mind I thought March. Of course way back in August and September I begged it not be March, but still couldn't shake March, now we have one day remaining in March and what I would give for March to have been our month! I pray often and work to remain strong, but honestly there are days that I just doubt. I don't doubt God I just doubt, maybe we were wrong and God isn't in this. Maybe we've made a mistake and we weren't called to adopt. Is this referral ever going to come? I honestly, today, don't know. I wish I were stronger, I wish I understood things better, I wish that I never wondered if we have really missed the boat here, but I do and right now I am. I hate this wait, I hate knowing he is spending many more months in an orphanage alone. I hate that he is getting older without his family, without knowing the love of a mommy and daddy, I hate that he is getting older and not learning English, I hate that the transition for him and the loss for him will be greater for everyday he spends in that awful orphanage. Today...I hate international adoption! I hate that kids are waiting for parents but as parents work toward the end they are told to wait, wait, wait. I hate that we spend so much money to prove to everyone that we are fit to parent this child...that clearly isn't held in the highest regard in his country...just to be told to wait. I hate that children don't have families and no one gets in a hurry to send the few who do have families home. I hate how defeated I feel some days.

However, I do trust God, ultimately even when I get discouraged, I do trust Him. I trust His heart toward us and toward the orphan. I don't believe that He would have brought us this far just to end it, but if He does I will trust that too.

I don't really have a lot to say just that the last 11 months have taken their toll and I feel so terribly sad today. We just keep praying for a miracle...maybe April's our month!

Lessons Learned

As anyone who has eyes to read, or has spent any time with me in the last 10 months, knows this wait for our Max has been a struggle. I've run the gamut of emotions from stressed, to sad, to angry to calm. I've felt frustrated with the process, angry with God for making us wait, angry with our agency for leading us to believe this process would not take this long and content to know that God is ultimately in control. That being said when we were just a few months into waiting for a referral I would have never believed that the emotions we would feel would range so greatly or the frustration run so deep. I never thought I would feel like quitting, I never thought I would question God's plan for us, and I certainly never thought I would feel repentant for the attitudes I held before this walk. I realize all of those are true and the last one is the most unexpected. I've had to repent of the pride I had at judging other families, further into the wait than I, for their obvious lack of strength. I remember one mom in particular who had waited 11 months for a referral, she was so angry with the agency and chewed out the social worker every couple of weeks. I thought how immature she was and how she needed to get herself together. Now I empathize with her pain. Now I understand, and although I've yet to chew out our social worker I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. She was hurting, she was hopeless and she was lashing out, she also isn't a believer so all of her hope was in the process and the agency. I've also learned that those who are hurting and struggling with this process need support and encouragement, not criticism. Thankfully that mom never knew I was critical of her, but I have been criticized harshly by people who don't understand this kind of wait, and I understand the hurt (even resentment) that kind of criticism creates. I needed encouragement when I felt hopeless and wondered if it might be better to just quit than to wait and be told sometime in the distant future it will never happen. I never planned to quit it was just something I needed to say, a question I needed to ask...what if.. The question wasn't asked in some feeble attempt to be begged to carry on, the question was asked by a mom (me) who felt trapped in a process she barely trusts and has no control over. Thankfully I know the One who does have control over this and every process, and my trust and faith are safe with Him. He has a plan for this suffering, He always does. Looking back I remember that with every baby we lost I knew that God was going to use those experiences for His glory, that He was going to use me to encourage other women who have lost babies. In the last 16 years God has brought countless women into my life whom I have been able to encourage, hold hands with and love through a most painful experience. He will do no less with the hurt, frustration and hopelessness we have felt throughout the waiting for this adoption.

I still beg and pray everyday for a referral, our goal here is to actually see this process come to an end with a sweet little boy added to our family. But I'm so thankful He is still teaching me, still using me and still calling me out when I have behaved in a manor that doesn't bring Him glory...I guess that is best described as sin. My prayer is and ever will be that He uses our family to encourage others to adopt and orphan, that from our suffering new families would be formed and more boys and girls will have mommies and daddies, that makes all this waiting worth while!

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy

We are not a big birthday family, actually we aren't really a big anything family, that's shocking I think to many southerners who pride themselves on more family traditions than months in the year. That's all fine for them, but for us we are a bit more low key. Though we aren't big tradition people we love each other very much and I love the day to day life of raising a family. There's no place I'd rather be than in my home with my kids...and honestly in my home alone every once in a while. I love to cook for my family and hear my kids talk to one another and make each other laugh. We've not had a big need to fill up our lives with traditions that demand compliance. Saying that I wonder about the future. I shared with a dear friend at church that although it is Max's birthday I'm not sad about missing the day, and I'm still not, I'm sad about missing the time. I thought he would be home by now and he's not. She said we might become big birthday people when Max does come home and as I think about it she's right. Birthdays might take on a whole new meaning when at least 3 were spent alone. I don't know. I do know this has been a difficult few days for me. I'm so tired of the wait and the not knowing. I never expected my heart to become this involved but it has. Had the wait been shorter it would have been so much easier, but then I would have never known it was easier, so this is right too, this is part of the plan. In these last few weeks our social worker has proven to be an invaluable source of strength. Unlike our previous worker, whom I loved as well but was overwhelmed, Liz responds to every email, usually within the first day. She smiles when she talks to me, I can see it although we've never met and she understands how hard this is and how much we hurt. She is soothing salve for my frazzled nerves. The longer the process takes the more closely she is walking with us. We've need some hand holding and will be forever grateful for her hand.

We've also had friends coming out of the woodwork praying for us and with us and lending us (me) their strength. Our church has been such a source of support and love. I know so many people don't understand the process or why we would do this, purposefully put ourselves through this kind of pain, but they are still there supporting us. Over the last few weeks I have worried that this wait has messed everything up. Any kind of witness this might be to others has been blown by this wait. But as I read God's word and pray I understand that His name can not not be glorified (double negative I know). He has a purpose and a plan, He has huge reasons for holding off on our referral. Maybe if the church and people don't see the suffering, don't see the hurt and the longing, don't see us wait for endless days, the impact would be less. Maybe Max's homecoming will create such joy that it will be as if His name is shouted from the mountain tops. The best thing about this wait is that there is no way anyone else will be able to claim any glory for this homecoming. This is all God. Even our ability to persevere is all God, given to us as a precious gift...although the gift seems bitter sweet at times.

All these many words to say, that although my faith is shaken some days, it is NOT broken. Although there are many days that I cry out to Him "I can't do this another day" He gives me just enough strength to make it through that day and not a drop more. Today a friend graciously reminded me that He is holding all of my tears in a bottle, He is fully aware of the depth of our pain. That bottle must be huge because I have cried every day for months now. But I trust my heavenly Father more than I trust the ground I walk on. I trust Him with my children...all 4 of them, I trust Him with my pain, I trust Him with my joy, He is the source of all life for me. I know He is going to bring Max home and when He does we will all praise His glorious name again.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the Lord;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."

Habakkuk 3:17-19

So sweet boy you have a date, one year from today with your mommy, daddy, brother and sisters and it will be the best birthday you have ever had...I promise.

Hold on sweet boy Mommy is coming!

Fears...

We are now in our 10th month of waiting. The dossier traveled to Thailand last May and now it is March. How crazy is this? I had a kind of panic attack this week and convinced myself this was never going to happen, that we would wait and wait and in the end they would say "sorry, there's been a mistake". I emailed our agency and asked if that was the case, asked if it was worth it to carry on of we are just going to be denied in the end. It wasn't so much a desire to quit but a desire to make the hatchet swing sooner than later. Our sweet social worker called and we talked for a very long time. She had no news for me only comfort that there is no sinister plan not to give us our boy after making us wait. That brought relief, to some degree. It's still very hard for me to trust that they are actually going to do this, I think at times I have become so accustom to disappointment that it just seems like that's were this will end. But I also trust my heavenly Father who has intervened on our behalf over and over. He has given us miracle upon miracle, why would he stop this now? So I'll walk on in blind faith. I just feel so much despair at times but I know what he has called us to do and I don't believe he will desert us.

Through this process we are learning a lot. We are learning how weak we really are. We are learning how wonderful it is to have godly friends who know when you need your hand held. We are also learning, sadly, that there are people you cannot count on. I'm so glad those who are faithful out number the others 2 to 1. The realization has hurt though. I know that God can and will be glorified through all that we walk through. I know that when I am at my weakest, crying out in desperation he is at his strongest. I'm so grateful for a father who is big enough to with stand our doubts and fears, a God who would rather we be honest with him than to fake it.

Maybe this will be our week. I hope and pray so. We continue to pray every day for our referral, for the time to come that we can go to Thailand and bring our little boy home.

He's Not Real

It's been 6 weeks since I wrote anything and in that time nothing has happened to move our adoption forward. This has been a most difficult road to walk and a very lonely journey. In our hearts Max is very real, he is with us constantly. I pray for him all the time, I think about him as much as I do my other children, but to others he's not real, not yet. That was so clear to me this week-end as we celebrated Veldon's dad's retirement with his family. No one is unkind about Max but it hit me square between the eyes that to them he's not real. They don't wonder about him and ask about him. I did finally show pictures because I want and need him to be real. Everyone is so nice to humor me and smile, but he's just a little boy in a picture, I get that. I have to be honest that I resent that he hasn't come home yet. Since I really can't resent God, I know he has all of this in his hand, I choose to resent Thailand and their seeming indifference to their children living in orphanages when they have families waiting to bring them home. Mostly I just feel sad though at all we are missing. Obviously he doesn't know that he is missing a mommy and daddy and siblings, he has no understanding as to what any of that means and won't for a very long time even after coming home. But we know that we are all missing so much.

I never thought, even in my least optimistic moments, that it would be March 2 and still no referral. I thought surely just after the first of the year, not months later. But here we sit with no referral and no news, we hear from our SW on Fridays when she sends out a program update but other than that we don't even hear from our agency. It is heartbreaking and lonely. Maybe this will be the month that something changes, maybe we'll get our referral or maybe April then May will come with no news. I have no idea and my heart is broken. Everyday we pray for a miracle...maybe today's the day!