To Be or Not To Be....

I'm a question asker, anyone who knows me knows it is true...my sweet husband, way back when he was just the boy of my dreams, actually asked me if I ask so many questions just to annoy him. He now says he asked that in jest...that is not the case but I forgive him anyway! As a punishment for his not so nice comment/question God has blessed us with a 13 year old who puts my own question asking to shame! Katie is an expert question asker and now it seems Max is following in his big sister's foot steps, we'll have to see about the latter.

That being said, I'm a question asker, it stands to reason that my mind is always moving...it's nothing special lots of people ask questions and think thoughts! On the other hand I know people who don't think a lot of thoughts and don't ask questions, so obviously there are all types in the world. Veldon and I are also both pretty verbal, my mom always laughs that it's no wonder our kids talked young Veldon and I never stop talking. Katie was seriously speaking in sentences on her first birthday! They all three score very high on the verbal sections of all standardized tests and they are all full of words just like their parents. At 4 Allison would complain that Katie, then 1, was talking on her sentence. We all like to get our words out!

Part of the thoughts I think is why I think the thoughts I think and why I say the things I say. In seminary I heard this described, I was actually stunned that other people do it, but they do and it's a part of meta communication or meta consciousness. It seems everyone does it on some level, I am fascinated with the deeper level of thinking and communicating. So all that to say I also wonder what God is doing and why, how, whatever and how it relates to me and what I am doing. "What if I had done this would God have done that?" "What if I had prayed one more time would God have changed my mind, whispered some new truth to me, spoken His secret will to me...finally?" what would have happened then? This is sometimes a struggle for my heart and my brain, because my brain is logical to the truth, but my heart really likes the mystical! I firmly believe with everything in me (my brain that is!) that God works through His revealed Word, which is His revealed will. We can know what God wants by reading His Word. We can have a clue on how He is working by understanding His Word, He is always working for His own glory...according to His Word! For example He wants us (His children) to marry believers, it is a sin to marry a non-believer. He wants us to be faithful to the body of believers and for wives to submit to their husbands. He wants us to do everything as if we are doing it specifically for Him, this brings Him glory. These are all a part of His revealed will.

There are also things that I believe we tend to turn into the "mystical". We can have this idea that if we make a mistake and "step out of God's will" then all the sudden we are in God's "second, or third or worst" will for our lives. If things don't go the way I hoped or prayed for, or things get difficult we question if we "missed His will". I struggle with that! Does the sovereign expect the mortal, with limited sight and understanding to find His complex, hidden will and if we don't are we zapped with "second best"? I used to think so. I used to think if something went wrong it was my fault, I didn't pray enough and therefore I didn't catch that mystical vibe and I went the wrong way. I don't believe that anymore. Prayer is the right thing to do of course, but I rarely find that prayer makes life perfect, simple or easy. What prayer does is change the person praying. It changes me, my desires, my perspective and it helps me to submit. For years Veldon said he would pray about adopting, he didn't pray about it, he readily admits to that now, he didn't want to pray because he didn't want to have his desire, not to adopt, changed to God's will that we are to relieve the suffering of the orphan. If we are praying for months over a decision, it is my belief that we are rarely praying for clarity, although that might be what I say I am praying for, when I am truly honest with myself and with God I see that I am praying for my desires to come into alignment with His own, or even hoping that He will change. This may or may not be true with other people, Veldon and I are not people who really struggle with indecision so we probably see the world differently than those who do struggle. Although Veldon will say he did struggle with indecision in the past, he doesn't too much anymore. We aren't hand wringers, we don't wrestle day in and day out with a decision...in general...we do, however, struggle with obedience. It would be easy for me turn my slowness to obey into something spiritual, but often times it's not. For example home schooling. I knew for several years before we took our kids out of government schools that God was leading us to that. The influence of the world was becoming to great on our kids, we were losing them. I prayed and prayed about it, trying to find God's elusive will for our kids education, when all the while His Word is clear that we are to be teaching them about Him, we are to be training them. I just didn't want to do it. Once we were obedient things fell into place. It was a spiritual decision to be sure, but there was nothing mystical about it and "praying" was just disobedience, because I still wasn't doing what I knew we were to do! Not that praying was wrong, but dragging my feet to obey was wrong. God had revealed His will, it is all over His Word. I just didn't want to do it.

Adoption of course is a hard thing! In discussing it with a friend the other day I said I truly believe that it is never wrong for a believer to move forward to adopt. James 1:27 is my proof text for that. Does that mean it's God will for every believer to adopt, I don't think so. I also don't believe that every believer has to start an adoption to be obedient to the Word, but we are, all of us, to be involved in relieving the suffering of the orphan. This is more than a pat on the arm or a quick hug, this is intervention. Perhaps God has called a family to give to an orphanage or support a child monthly, those are all ways to relieve suffering. I would never look down on individuals for not adopting, I do however struggle with the body that doesn't seem to have desire to obey God in this area. As followers of Jesus, I truly believe that stepping on the road to adoption is not wrong, maybe it won't happen, maybe God won't bring an orphan home to your family, but He will honor your obedience. When we started our process for Max I wasn't sure how it would end, and honestly for a very long time I wondered, but my heart's desire was that if God didn't allow us to bring an orphan home that He would put a love for the orphan in the hearts of our children! God did both, He brought Max home and He gave all three of our biological children a heart for the orphan.

If we were to start the process of adoption again, for another orphan, I don't know that God would give us another child, but I do know that He would honor our hearts. He would honor our obedience and He would use it to bring glory to Himself. I certainly would not believe we walked down the wrong road, didn't pray enough, or missed His mystical will. I would have to believe that for this time His specific will for us is not to adopt again, or that there was something to learned in the process. His revealed will remains the same, that we be involved in relieving the suffering of orphans. Of course, if we started again and God frustrated the process I would be heartbroken! If we started an adoption again we would certainly pray, but I have to admit that prayer isn't a magic bullet that, just because I pray and pray about something, I am not promised an easy road or the outcome I hoped for.

So why am I thinking about prayer and adoption and orphans? I don't know! Why am I asking about God's will? I guess it's because my mind is always moving and thinking. Do we raise Max alone? Katie will be gone in 5 years! Do we adopt again? Do we pack our bags and move to some remote part of the world? (I don't think so!) But these are thoughts I have and I have to wonder why I am thinking them and where God will lead them!