So today it happened! Max started playing U*wards Soccer a few weeks ago and today was his first game. Now, of course I am his Momma, but I think he's a pretty good little player, he can control the ball...for a 5 year old that's better than most. What Max has in the ability to control the ball he looses in his inability to focus. Watching the ball and listening to the coach are both things that need work, but of course he's only 5. So we'll cut him a little slack and expect that he will improve in all of these areas as time goes on.
Max is a compliant and generally easy to get along with child. If he bows up about something it's really only with family members. I've never seen him, nor been told by anyone, that he has behaved badly in other settings. Last year in preschool he and his friend, Joel, were Thai kick boxing and leading the 2 yr olds to violence. He was told to stop and, aside from a few reminders, he stopped. He doesn't really argue, he doesn't throw fits and he goes with the flow. That being said, he's not like a lot of other kids his age. Again, I'm biased and he's mine but he's a good boy.
The first week of soccer Veldon and Max forgot his ball. I didn't go and had no car to run a ball over to them. Another little boy was in the same spot for a little bit, and Veldon and his mom were talking about not realizing they would need a practice ball. The other mom thought she might have one and ran to check her car...she did and brought it back...to give to her son...to completely ignore Max and the fact he didn't have one. Max kind of followed along with practice and used a ball when the coaches could get another child to share...which wasn't often. One boy, the coach's son, sat on his ball when he wasn't using it to be sure he didn't have to share. Max still had fun, fell down a lot and talked about it all week.
Fast forward one week. Max reminded us 100 times, if he reminded us once, that he needed a ball for soccer practice. We pumped up the ball and took it to practice. One little boy forgot his ball this week. Max brought his, the coach's son spent most of the practice pushing his ball around the ground with his head. Here's the thing, every time...not once...or twice...every....single....time they ran a drill or practiced anything Max was asked to do his once and then give his ball to the little boy who forgot his ball. We are all for sharing, we are fine with sharing. Max shared every time with a sweet spirit. He didn't think anything about it, but I did. At first it was sweet for Max to share and sharing is important, but after a while it wore on me. Why did Max have to share every time? I know why. Because he is a nice boy, he didn't whine, throw a fit, sit on his ball or resist sharing, he did it and that was easier for the coach to deal with. I'm glad he's a nice boy, but the old saying "nice guys finish last" came to mind here. Max got less practice and less instruction because he's a nice guy. Will it matter in the course of his life? NO it's not a big deal, but it was frustrating as a Momma to watch.
Today the girls, Veldon and I all loaded up our chairs, drove 2 cars and watched Max play his first game. He did great, he loved it, he made a goal for his team and for the other team, cause if the goal is right there you gotta use it! At some point in the game, on the side lines, the coach's son was not playing and he asked his mom what was wrong with Max. His mom answered that (this is where 'it' happened) "Max is special and needs extra love." WHAT!?! He has messed up arms, what does that have to do with extra love? In the same few minutes I read a FB post about Special Needs basketball and crying with joy and God smiling and I thought WHAT!?! They both so bothered me. I knew this was coming. I didn't want Max to play soccer because I didn't want to expose him to the world, I know that I protect him from things because people say ridiculous things, not on purpose, they just do. I didn't want him, or me honestly, to have to listen to the other kids say things about his arm. But I really expected the adults to be smarter about it. To say something like "his arms are different, it's not big deal" seems about right for me. Of course, it's not new for me so I can cut her some slack...and I will...eventually!
Max played soccer better than most of the kids on either team. He struggles with paying attention, I still think it's a little bit of a language thing. If you don't understand everything everyone is saying then check out until you do understand. That's what he does. He won't always do it, but for now he does. Why does Max need extra love because his arms are different? He fell a lot and got up all by himself, as he always does. He threw the ball in just like his friends did. He can catch a big or small ball better than most and he does basically everything other kids do with normal arms. He is different, no doubt about that, but the lengths of his arms is basically where the 'different' ends. He does and will have specific challenges and we have to make some choices about his arm in the future which I don't care to make, but I will because that's what parents do, but other than that he's fine. His brain is great, his legs work well, his arms are different and one is rather short. He's not an adorable idiot, he's a normal little boy who I am sure doesn't want extra love because of his arms.
I'm not angry at what was said, I'm really not. I try not to be thin skinned, but who wants to be liked or loved or hated based on physical appearance? Not me, not Max. Love someone because they are made in the image of God and deserve love. Love someone because they are kind and giving and pleasant to be around. Don't ever like or love someone because they have short arms, no arms, missing fingers, missing legs...those things don't define people, they just add to the tapestry of life.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Special Needs and Medical Needs
The other day I walked through the front room, living room, and Max was playing baseball with himself. He was pounding his right hand into his left hand, saying something that sounded very sportish and pretended to pitch an imaginary ball. None of that was very exceptional that scene, or some variation, plays out in our house hundreds of times a week. Max is a natural athlete! He loves balls. He would sleep with a ball if we would allow it he has asked on several occasions. What stuck out on this occasion was his choice of a "catchers mitt" it was one of my big, square hot pads, left on the dinning room table from the previous night's dinner, yes that's right not everything in my house gets put away as it should, to be honest it seems very little actually is where is should be. That big pad with a long wide opening fit perfectly over his misshapen hand.
As he stood there pounding his hand into that mitt I was struck again by the challenges that he faces. He can do anything with a ball kick, hit, throw, catch...it's amazing. It's even more amazing to think that he can do all of that with a missing radius in one arm, therefore having a severely twisted wrist, and the other arm's elbow permanently dislocated so he can't stretch it all the way straight. He can never really be an athlete, not in the way that I am sure he would like! I think soccer might be a viable option for him, he'll have to work through some balance issues, we will certainly try soccer, but it seems to me that Max would be the child who could jump from sport to sport and never miss a beat if he didn't have the issues he has.
People will say I am sure that he can overcome, and therefore do, anything but that's not reality. Max will never be able to fit a mitt on his twisted left hand. So baseball is out, even if a mitt could be put on the hand he doesn't have the strength or control in the hand or wrist to actually use it to catch a high speed ball. Tennis would be a great choice, but again not being able to use his left hand might diminish the back hand a little, or a lot! Football might work, I'm not really familiar with the particulars of the game, lots of big boys running toward my Max doesn't seem like a good idea to me! I can't imagine how disappointed he might be to watch sports and to know that from most he will be excluded.
Raising a child with special needs is nothing like I had thought it would be. In the adoption world if a child is difficult to place, heart defect, cleft palate, or any other host of issues, that child is placed on the special needs list, but in reality many of those aren't really special needs. Many are medical issues that can be addressed and fixed, never to be thought about again beyond the telling of the child's story. There are special needs blogs out there for adoption, but I don't see a lot that address actual special needs, those things that can't be fixed and must be dealt with every day. No confessions from moms of SN children that they are frustrated and worried and not sure how to correctly help their child. Obviously, there's no book that tells every momma how to deal with her child's need. Every child is different and therefore how they deal with a physical difference isn't the same across the board, whereas heart surgery is pretty much the same depending on the issue, a cleft palate is fixed with only small variations to each particular child. Max lives everyday with limits placed on him by the fact that he is missing part of what should be on his body. For the rest of his life he will have to adjust and adapt what is "normal" for the world just to function. For me the reality of true special needs can be overwhelming and although I don't spend a lot of time cruising the internet I don't see a lot of words of wisdom in dealing with the day to day life of a truly special needs child.
A friend of mine brought a little girl home from Max's orphanage who is completely blind. They struggle everyday with the issues of an older child adoption, the sweet girl was 8 when she came home, they also deal with the fact that she is blind and must walk through life differently. When we talk we often jump between the topics of "how much do we push our children who have limitations?" and "how do we deal with the orphan residue?". Both are difficult questions and issues to deal with but when combined together the two can feel daunting.
If we push too hard to overcome the SN will he resent us and not bond well?
If we ignore the SN and deal with him as if he doesn't have one will he be frustrated and feel that he's not really seen for who he is?
Do we talk about the arm?
Do we ignore the arm and act like it's normal?
Do we talk about having been in an orphanage and how he felt to come home?
Do we address the bad behavior at home as it relates to having been an orphan? (I know you might have done this at BFF but at home you can't do that.)
Do I try to make him use that arm to strengthen it when I'm not even really sure there are healthy muscles in it?
Do we discuss now what other kids might say about his arm?
Do we discuss now what other kids might say about his skin color?
Do we discuss now what other people might say about adopted kids and/or orphans?
Many parents who adopt a "SN" child will only deal with half of the issues. Their child will grow up functioning in the world in a more "normal" way. They might have struggles with attachment, separation and other issues as a result of having been abandoned and adopted, but their SN is also hidden away, not on display for all the world to see.
So all this to say, I wish things were different. I wish there was more help out there, more people writing about life long special needs along with adoption. I wish the adoption world might change their terminology a bit to "medical needs", and "special needs", they just aren't the same thing and unless you are raising a child with life long special needs it's hard to relate!
Please understand that I am not diminishing the needs of children with medical issues, nor am I diminishing the sacrifices families make to adopt children with medical needs. I'm just pointing out that most of the help/support/information I find is based on medical needs. Not the day to day reality of raising a child like Max. For that I am disappointed.
As he stood there pounding his hand into that mitt I was struck again by the challenges that he faces. He can do anything with a ball kick, hit, throw, catch...it's amazing. It's even more amazing to think that he can do all of that with a missing radius in one arm, therefore having a severely twisted wrist, and the other arm's elbow permanently dislocated so he can't stretch it all the way straight. He can never really be an athlete, not in the way that I am sure he would like! I think soccer might be a viable option for him, he'll have to work through some balance issues, we will certainly try soccer, but it seems to me that Max would be the child who could jump from sport to sport and never miss a beat if he didn't have the issues he has.
People will say I am sure that he can overcome, and therefore do, anything but that's not reality. Max will never be able to fit a mitt on his twisted left hand. So baseball is out, even if a mitt could be put on the hand he doesn't have the strength or control in the hand or wrist to actually use it to catch a high speed ball. Tennis would be a great choice, but again not being able to use his left hand might diminish the back hand a little, or a lot! Football might work, I'm not really familiar with the particulars of the game, lots of big boys running toward my Max doesn't seem like a good idea to me! I can't imagine how disappointed he might be to watch sports and to know that from most he will be excluded.
Raising a child with special needs is nothing like I had thought it would be. In the adoption world if a child is difficult to place, heart defect, cleft palate, or any other host of issues, that child is placed on the special needs list, but in reality many of those aren't really special needs. Many are medical issues that can be addressed and fixed, never to be thought about again beyond the telling of the child's story. There are special needs blogs out there for adoption, but I don't see a lot that address actual special needs, those things that can't be fixed and must be dealt with every day. No confessions from moms of SN children that they are frustrated and worried and not sure how to correctly help their child. Obviously, there's no book that tells every momma how to deal with her child's need. Every child is different and therefore how they deal with a physical difference isn't the same across the board, whereas heart surgery is pretty much the same depending on the issue, a cleft palate is fixed with only small variations to each particular child. Max lives everyday with limits placed on him by the fact that he is missing part of what should be on his body. For the rest of his life he will have to adjust and adapt what is "normal" for the world just to function. For me the reality of true special needs can be overwhelming and although I don't spend a lot of time cruising the internet I don't see a lot of words of wisdom in dealing with the day to day life of a truly special needs child.
A friend of mine brought a little girl home from Max's orphanage who is completely blind. They struggle everyday with the issues of an older child adoption, the sweet girl was 8 when she came home, they also deal with the fact that she is blind and must walk through life differently. When we talk we often jump between the topics of "how much do we push our children who have limitations?" and "how do we deal with the orphan residue?". Both are difficult questions and issues to deal with but when combined together the two can feel daunting.
If we push too hard to overcome the SN will he resent us and not bond well?
If we ignore the SN and deal with him as if he doesn't have one will he be frustrated and feel that he's not really seen for who he is?
Do we talk about the arm?
Do we ignore the arm and act like it's normal?
Do we talk about having been in an orphanage and how he felt to come home?
Do we address the bad behavior at home as it relates to having been an orphan? (I know you might have done this at BFF but at home you can't do that.)
Do I try to make him use that arm to strengthen it when I'm not even really sure there are healthy muscles in it?
Do we discuss now what other kids might say about his arm?
Do we discuss now what other kids might say about his skin color?
Do we discuss now what other people might say about adopted kids and/or orphans?
Many parents who adopt a "SN" child will only deal with half of the issues. Their child will grow up functioning in the world in a more "normal" way. They might have struggles with attachment, separation and other issues as a result of having been abandoned and adopted, but their SN is also hidden away, not on display for all the world to see.
So all this to say, I wish things were different. I wish there was more help out there, more people writing about life long special needs along with adoption. I wish the adoption world might change their terminology a bit to "medical needs", and "special needs", they just aren't the same thing and unless you are raising a child with life long special needs it's hard to relate!
Please understand that I am not diminishing the needs of children with medical issues, nor am I diminishing the sacrifices families make to adopt children with medical needs. I'm just pointing out that most of the help/support/information I find is based on medical needs. Not the day to day reality of raising a child like Max. For that I am disappointed.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Happenings...
The last month, or so, has brought a lot of challenges, changes, special occasions and memories.
Mother's Day brought me yummy steak and a hydrangea...my husband truly loves me because he HATES hydrangeas. (I find this strange for a man with so few opinions about the house, fashion, the yard...etc!)
School ended for the year...and not a day too soon!
We had the great genetic scare, which turned out to only be a scare...Praise the Lord!
Hayden graduated...which requires a surprising amount of work for the parents...I did not know that!
My parent's and Veldon's parents came for the graduation, and I had my house cleaned, by someone else, for the very first time in my life! (That was super nice and will likely never happen again!)
Our one year anniversary of meeting Max, being approved by the Board and returning home came and passed and we celebrated quietly as a family, for me it was so very private, something I didn't really care to talk about.
Allison, my beautiful green eyed girl, turned 16! (They all have green eyes, but Allison's are so huge!) I can't believe it, she's growing up into a lovely young woman. Her friends call her "preacher girl" because she's always ready with a scripture when her friends are struggling or when questioned about her faith.
Max's surgery has been scheduled and will take place tomorrow, a little later than we had hoped for which meant a mission trip to see some great friends had to be cancelled. We can't really expect the little guy to travel for 12 hours 4 days after surgery, as it turned out the need for the mission trip was much less than originally anticipated, but we are disappointed nonetheless.
The transmission in the van went out, it was a long, hard fought death, but the end did finally come, and a large chunk of Max's deductible had to be paid! As life would have it, both of these ended up coming due on the same day, a Thursday! YIKES!!! For a minister's family with one income, several thousand dollars in one day is impossible, but God provided, a good part of the deductible has been paid and the entire amount for the transmission.
Through all the fear, the need and the waiting God has shown us Himself.
Psalm 50:9-11
9 I have no need of a bull from your stall
or of goats from your pens,
10 for every animal of the forest is mine,
and the cattle on a thousand hills.
11 I know every bird in the mountains,
and the insects in the fields are min
or of goats from your pens,
10 for every animal of the forest is mine,
and the cattle on a thousand hills.
11 I know every bird in the mountains,
and the insects in the fields are min
I love these verses because they remind me that my Father owns everything, He has everything. Verse 10 seems to be screaming that when He gives to us it doesn't deplete His resources one bit, they are abundant and unending. How could we tally the value of the cattle on a thousand hills? Can you picture a thousand hills covered in cows? How absolutely amazing is that!
This has been a long month that at the same time seems to have flown by. I am so glad to have completed the first year with Max. We have off and on struggles to be sure, he is stubborn, and disobedient at times, but at the same time he is sweet, caring and kind. He's still working to find his place in this new world sometimes through listening and following directions and sometimes through coming up with a plan of his own. He tells me all the time how much he likes me, his mommy, more than the nannies at the orphanage. He tells us how glad he is to be home and that this is his home. He talks about things he did in Thailand, not with remorse just as memories, some good some bad.
We are so blessed to have had the last year with Max. We are so blessed to have walked through the last month of triumph and stress, and fear, and to watch God provide for us. I can feel God talking to me, wooing me, replenishing my faith which took such a hit through the long years of waiting for a beautiful brown boy on the other side of the world. I've written several times about shaken faith and haven't posted much. It would be a great step for me to do so, it's easy to be judged by those who haven't had their faith shaken, but mine was and there were days that I thought it was gone, that He was gone, but we got through and slowly but surely I can feel Him reaching to me and...well I don't know!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Narrowing Down the Scaries
This week brought two visits to specialists with two very different results. The first visit confirmed our fears that Max will indeed require surgery. We've known for the 10 months that surgery was likely, but had hoped that some intervention by the doctors might have prevented the need. It did not and as soon as we are finished with school and graduation Max will have his surgery. I'm pretty sure he will be less than happy with us, but every parent knows that we make decisions because they are best for our children. At times the decisions are difficult but right in the long run.
The second visit was to the cardiologist. I had to explain to everyone, from the receptionist to the doctor, why we were there when no one had heard a heart murmur. I explained that Max needed an echocardiaogram to help rule out, or in, Holt-Oram Syndrome. I was assured by the receptionist that if the cardiologist felt it necessary he would have one. Not really being in the mood to deal with an obstinate receptionist I informed her, nicely, that he would be having the ECG today or we would be leaving. She quickly backed down, surprisingly, and said if the pediatrician thought it necessary she was sure he would have it. That calmed me a little. It was a frustrating experience explaining again and again why we were there and what we needed.
Finally, after zillions of questions, the cardiologist came in. She seemed to be the first person we met with any sense. (One nurse even whispered to ask if Max was adopted and if he knew it. Really?? He's five and he's brown, of course he knows! She was being nice so I was nice back, but Veldon and I had to laugh.) The doctor completely understood why we needed an ECG and that heart issues go hand in hand with the type of ortho issues Max has. She asked a lot of questions, praised him for his cuteness and smarts, and did the ECG! She also assured us Max's heart is completely healthy...mostly healthy, there is one little flap issue that would prevent him from deep sea diving and explained that if he ever desires to deep sea dive he needs to be more thoroughly checked before doing so. The news was bitter sweet. An ASD would have increased the likelihood that Max has Holt-Oram Syndrome and seemingly decreased the likelihood he has Fanconi's Anemia. So as we were sitting, and standing, there listening to the cardiologist congratulate us on Max's healthy heart my stomach sank. We both felt ill. Of course we are grateful his heart is healthy, we are thankful he won't require open heart surgery, but we are concerned about what this might mean.
It might not mean anything. Twenty five percent of people with Holt-Oram Syndrome don't have an ASD so there is still a chance that's what is going on. In my heart I can't believe he has Fanconi's Anemia but then my mind wanders and I imagine hearing his chromosomes broke and he as FA and it takes my breath away! I can't imagine hearing those words, I can't imagine my son having such a horrifying condition, I can't imagine what the future would look like. Most of the time I don't think about it. I don't worry about it, I don't go there! We now wait to have his blood drawn and sent to the Mayo clinic for genetic testing. Our prayer is that Max's body did just forget to grow a bone, nothing more or less. Our prayer is for a normal life for our son, a future of health and happiness. But more than anything we pray that God calls Max out of darkness and that whatever the future holds we walk through it with grace.
The second visit was to the cardiologist. I had to explain to everyone, from the receptionist to the doctor, why we were there when no one had heard a heart murmur. I explained that Max needed an echocardiaogram to help rule out, or in, Holt-Oram Syndrome. I was assured by the receptionist that if the cardiologist felt it necessary he would have one. Not really being in the mood to deal with an obstinate receptionist I informed her, nicely, that he would be having the ECG today or we would be leaving. She quickly backed down, surprisingly, and said if the pediatrician thought it necessary she was sure he would have it. That calmed me a little. It was a frustrating experience explaining again and again why we were there and what we needed.
Finally, after zillions of questions, the cardiologist came in. She seemed to be the first person we met with any sense. (One nurse even whispered to ask if Max was adopted and if he knew it. Really?? He's five and he's brown, of course he knows! She was being nice so I was nice back, but Veldon and I had to laugh.) The doctor completely understood why we needed an ECG and that heart issues go hand in hand with the type of ortho issues Max has. She asked a lot of questions, praised him for his cuteness and smarts, and did the ECG! She also assured us Max's heart is completely healthy...mostly healthy, there is one little flap issue that would prevent him from deep sea diving and explained that if he ever desires to deep sea dive he needs to be more thoroughly checked before doing so. The news was bitter sweet. An ASD would have increased the likelihood that Max has Holt-Oram Syndrome and seemingly decreased the likelihood he has Fanconi's Anemia. So as we were sitting, and standing, there listening to the cardiologist congratulate us on Max's healthy heart my stomach sank. We both felt ill. Of course we are grateful his heart is healthy, we are thankful he won't require open heart surgery, but we are concerned about what this might mean.
It might not mean anything. Twenty five percent of people with Holt-Oram Syndrome don't have an ASD so there is still a chance that's what is going on. In my heart I can't believe he has Fanconi's Anemia but then my mind wanders and I imagine hearing his chromosomes broke and he as FA and it takes my breath away! I can't imagine hearing those words, I can't imagine my son having such a horrifying condition, I can't imagine what the future would look like. Most of the time I don't think about it. I don't worry about it, I don't go there! We now wait to have his blood drawn and sent to the Mayo clinic for genetic testing. Our prayer is that Max's body did just forget to grow a bone, nothing more or less. Our prayer is for a normal life for our son, a future of health and happiness. But more than anything we pray that God calls Max out of darkness and that whatever the future holds we walk through it with grace.
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name.
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Should Have Seen It Coming
You know how there are times when you look back and say "I should have seen that coming?" This is one of those times. I should have seen some things coming.
A week and half ago we went for Max's third visit to Shriner's. This time for genetics rather than ortho. The doctor we met was amazing, he was older and definitely a grandpa because he played with Max and talked to him and enchanted him the entire visit. When he left the room for a camera Max was sad he was gone. We talked a lot about Max's body and being an orphan and the reality of having very little background information. We headed to this visit with the belief that this would merely confirm the diagnosis of TARS for Max, and we would move from there. That, however, did not happen. Dr. Saul readily admitted he had never seen a case of TARS, but in preparing to see Max he had done research and everything in him, after meeting Max and listening to us, disagreed with the diagnosis. The fact that Max would survive infancy in an orphanage with a low platelet count seemed unlikely to him, I have actually had that same thought.
He took a lot of pictures of Max and then told us he would present Max to his partners and they would all brainstorm and he would get back with us soon. I really thought soon would be in the next few weeks.
Thursday morning he called, one week after our visit. I was surprised and honestly I feel really silly talking to really smart people and he is really smart. The phone call didn't start out smoothly at all! I stammered and stuttered and well...who really cares!...back to the point, he called to tell me what he and his partners had discussed and what they believe is going on the Max.
This is part that I should have seen coming. After the next few sentences I was seriously thinking "why hadn't I given this more thought!". Basically they are looking at one of two genetic issues. They do not believe that Max's body just "forgot" to grow a bone, but that something much larger is going on. Of course! I should have seen that coming. We have had such great news since Max came home. We were thinking about multiple surgeries to start immediately and so far not one! We believed we would be making trip after trip to doctors and therapists to fix his arm and help him to learn to function with it, that hasn't been the case. It's all been so good, but obviously there's a reason his bone is missing and there's a reason his body is a little small, and some other more personal issues, there are reasons for all of this and I wish I had seen it coming. Honestly, though had I seen it coming what could I have done? Except maybe not feel completely unprepared for the words of the doctor!
So the testing is beginning. Of course, it will be a slow process, genetic tests are slow. There seems to only be one lab in the country that does the particular test Max needs. It will take a lot of coordination between people and institutions to get it done. I can only imagine there is going to be frustration, actually the frustration began that day trying to explain what one doctor said to another. Trying to remain calm and not get emotional and remember the really big medical words, which apparently is important as I've already asked for the wrong test! On a positive note the geneticist has been super easy to get a hold of, every time I call he's in his office...strange I know, and he's patient to answer all my new questions and re-explain (is that a word?) things to me. He has made it clear we can call him as much as we need, he might regret that decision!
My heart is nervous and anxious. I know the scripture, I know the truth, but he's still my son. He looks to have a long road ahead of him. We all do. His fear of hospitals is just starting to wane, and I hate that he might have reason to fear hospitals again. I know all the right responses. I know we just have to wait and see, I know not to get ahead of myself, I know, I know, I know, but the reality of the situation is bearing down me. We are, I believe, entering a new road with our boy. God will either lay a path in front of us or clear one with us as we go, one which we will be able to look back and see, but either way He'll be with us. There's no way we could love our sweet Max more than our Heavenly Father does. Praise Him for that!
So all you three people reading this blog, no pity please. I can take about anything but pity! Max will be fine, we will get answers and life will march on. My heart is fearful but trusting...that's an oxymoron I'm sure...God is in control. Pray for us and for Max and for blood work and sonograms and doctors and hospitals, that's what we all need!
BTW I know I have been vague about the issues, I'll feel more freedom to share later.
A week and half ago we went for Max's third visit to Shriner's. This time for genetics rather than ortho. The doctor we met was amazing, he was older and definitely a grandpa because he played with Max and talked to him and enchanted him the entire visit. When he left the room for a camera Max was sad he was gone. We talked a lot about Max's body and being an orphan and the reality of having very little background information. We headed to this visit with the belief that this would merely confirm the diagnosis of TARS for Max, and we would move from there. That, however, did not happen. Dr. Saul readily admitted he had never seen a case of TARS, but in preparing to see Max he had done research and everything in him, after meeting Max and listening to us, disagreed with the diagnosis. The fact that Max would survive infancy in an orphanage with a low platelet count seemed unlikely to him, I have actually had that same thought.
He took a lot of pictures of Max and then told us he would present Max to his partners and they would all brainstorm and he would get back with us soon. I really thought soon would be in the next few weeks.
Thursday morning he called, one week after our visit. I was surprised and honestly I feel really silly talking to really smart people and he is really smart. The phone call didn't start out smoothly at all! I stammered and stuttered and well...who really cares!...back to the point, he called to tell me what he and his partners had discussed and what they believe is going on the Max.
This is part that I should have seen coming. After the next few sentences I was seriously thinking "why hadn't I given this more thought!". Basically they are looking at one of two genetic issues. They do not believe that Max's body just "forgot" to grow a bone, but that something much larger is going on. Of course! I should have seen that coming. We have had such great news since Max came home. We were thinking about multiple surgeries to start immediately and so far not one! We believed we would be making trip after trip to doctors and therapists to fix his arm and help him to learn to function with it, that hasn't been the case. It's all been so good, but obviously there's a reason his bone is missing and there's a reason his body is a little small, and some other more personal issues, there are reasons for all of this and I wish I had seen it coming. Honestly, though had I seen it coming what could I have done? Except maybe not feel completely unprepared for the words of the doctor!
So the testing is beginning. Of course, it will be a slow process, genetic tests are slow. There seems to only be one lab in the country that does the particular test Max needs. It will take a lot of coordination between people and institutions to get it done. I can only imagine there is going to be frustration, actually the frustration began that day trying to explain what one doctor said to another. Trying to remain calm and not get emotional and remember the really big medical words, which apparently is important as I've already asked for the wrong test! On a positive note the geneticist has been super easy to get a hold of, every time I call he's in his office...strange I know, and he's patient to answer all my new questions and re-explain (is that a word?) things to me. He has made it clear we can call him as much as we need, he might regret that decision!
My heart is nervous and anxious. I know the scripture, I know the truth, but he's still my son. He looks to have a long road ahead of him. We all do. His fear of hospitals is just starting to wane, and I hate that he might have reason to fear hospitals again. I know all the right responses. I know we just have to wait and see, I know not to get ahead of myself, I know, I know, I know, but the reality of the situation is bearing down me. We are, I believe, entering a new road with our boy. God will either lay a path in front of us or clear one with us as we go, one which we will be able to look back and see, but either way He'll be with us. There's no way we could love our sweet Max more than our Heavenly Father does. Praise Him for that!
So all you three people reading this blog, no pity please. I can take about anything but pity! Max will be fine, we will get answers and life will march on. My heart is fearful but trusting...that's an oxymoron I'm sure...God is in control. Pray for us and for Max and for blood work and sonograms and doctors and hospitals, that's what we all need!
BTW I know I have been vague about the issues, I'll feel more freedom to share later.
Monday, April 23, 2012
"Why You Hand White?"
We have a kind of on going issue with our sweet Max...buttoning (really snapping) his pants! It can turn into a power struggle in a New York minute, and as I have mentioned before we are in uncharted territory with him. He's five and growing, growing he is so much stronger than he was when he came home, able to do so much more. Obviously stimulation, good food and consistent love are what children need to flourish. But there are still a few things we are trying to accomplish. One of our goals is for him to be able to dress himself so for the past few months we have made him button his own pants. His fingers weren't strong enough when he came home, but he is generally able to do it now. There are, however, days when he can't, or won't, do it for himself. He moans and groans, pants, lays on the floor grunts and generally acts as if he is dying because we are insisting on him doing it himself. We will all, at different times, check how hard the button/snap is and then encourage him to keep working. Such was the case yesterday before church. He could would not do it. I checked the snap, it was not too hard, Hayden tried to encourage him, but in the end it was Katie who was able to convince him to do it. I'm pretty sure my threat to put elastic waist shorts on him had something to do with it, so glad he finally snapped those babies because Mommy didn't realize how chilly it was outside.
As Katie was helping and encouraging Max he stopped and looked at her and said "Katie you hand white, why you hand white?". She replied that was how God made her. He then said "You hand white, but my hand just....me.". I'm not sure he was sad or upset, maybe just really noticing, but notice he did. He sees there's a difference. I asked him about it later and he wasn't interested in talking about it, which is fine, he'll bring it up again when he feels like it. But, as we all know, my mind never stops and so I have to wonder if what I read that adopted kids often struggle more with being a different race than anyone else in the family over being adopted, might have some merit? Well, obviously it has merit, but should we think long and hard about it?
It's interesting timing for me because I'm having a real case of the blues. I'm worn out, not with kids or life, just circumstances. I'm tired of old cars and no vacation. Hayden's 18 and we've been on a real vacation, to a place other than family, once, yup once! And that vacation was brief a whole two days at Disney World. It was great fun, but trying to cram so much into 2 days was exhausting and although we loved it it was very short. We drive old cars, pretty sure I just mentioned that, and I don't generally mind it, but they have repairs and make strange noises and fall apart and there's this part of me that wants a new car. Not brand new, but maybe a 2007 or '06, I don't know, just newer. Allison will need a car soon and with the way our school works she'll really need one so I'm thinking a new car for me is out...not that it was on the table or anything, but...
So all these selfish thoughts, cars, vacations, a new fridge, and another brown baby are swirling around in my brain, and I don't know. Last night in our Bible study I mentioned how selfish I feel for some of these desires, and another adoptive parent quickly agreed with me. It was a true reality check! He's right, we can't be selfish, God didn't intend riches for our family, not earthly riches anyway. I don't really have any skills to market, I don't have the physical stamina to be on the go all the time, and I don't think I would want to work or market myself if I could. I prefer being home with my family to just about anything else. I work at my kids' school on their school days which is two days a week, help them on our home days, cook as many as three meals a day on occasion (not so often any more) and love being a wife and mom. God has blessed us greatly with our kids, we love each other deeply. We eat as a family, whoever is here and often times one of ours is gone and some other child is here, we generally laugh at every dinner and then someone cries (it's a must!) and then we laugh again...and it works. Our kids share with us and talk to us and make fun of us and rely on us. They seek us out for counsel and tell us what is going on in their lives and their friends' lives, and I'm so glad they do. It beats a new car or chasing money or long vacations...well, I don't really know about the long vacation part because we've never had one, but I'm guessing!
So this has been a circular post. I'm back to the beginning of not knowing what I want, or knowing what I want and not knowing if I want to make the sacrifices to have it. I want what God wants, I want what's best for Max, I want...well, I think I want it all!
Sadly, I fear this might have seemed like a pity party, I don't intend it to come across that why, I'm just struggling with things right now, literally things! I trust God for our provision and I know He cares for us. I know His Word and what He requires of His children as well as the promises He has made to us, which don't include cars and fridges I know! Our pastor said in church yesterday that "Christ's compassion always manifested itself in action.". That's so true! So is buying a new old car acting on compassion for myself?
JUST KIDDING!
As Katie was helping and encouraging Max he stopped and looked at her and said "Katie you hand white, why you hand white?". She replied that was how God made her. He then said "You hand white, but my hand just....me.". I'm not sure he was sad or upset, maybe just really noticing, but notice he did. He sees there's a difference. I asked him about it later and he wasn't interested in talking about it, which is fine, he'll bring it up again when he feels like it. But, as we all know, my mind never stops and so I have to wonder if what I read that adopted kids often struggle more with being a different race than anyone else in the family over being adopted, might have some merit? Well, obviously it has merit, but should we think long and hard about it?
It's interesting timing for me because I'm having a real case of the blues. I'm worn out, not with kids or life, just circumstances. I'm tired of old cars and no vacation. Hayden's 18 and we've been on a real vacation, to a place other than family, once, yup once! And that vacation was brief a whole two days at Disney World. It was great fun, but trying to cram so much into 2 days was exhausting and although we loved it it was very short. We drive old cars, pretty sure I just mentioned that, and I don't generally mind it, but they have repairs and make strange noises and fall apart and there's this part of me that wants a new car. Not brand new, but maybe a 2007 or '06, I don't know, just newer. Allison will need a car soon and with the way our school works she'll really need one so I'm thinking a new car for me is out...not that it was on the table or anything, but...
So all these selfish thoughts, cars, vacations, a new fridge, and another brown baby are swirling around in my brain, and I don't know. Last night in our Bible study I mentioned how selfish I feel for some of these desires, and another adoptive parent quickly agreed with me. It was a true reality check! He's right, we can't be selfish, God didn't intend riches for our family, not earthly riches anyway. I don't really have any skills to market, I don't have the physical stamina to be on the go all the time, and I don't think I would want to work or market myself if I could. I prefer being home with my family to just about anything else. I work at my kids' school on their school days which is two days a week, help them on our home days, cook as many as three meals a day on occasion (not so often any more) and love being a wife and mom. God has blessed us greatly with our kids, we love each other deeply. We eat as a family, whoever is here and often times one of ours is gone and some other child is here, we generally laugh at every dinner and then someone cries (it's a must!) and then we laugh again...and it works. Our kids share with us and talk to us and make fun of us and rely on us. They seek us out for counsel and tell us what is going on in their lives and their friends' lives, and I'm so glad they do. It beats a new car or chasing money or long vacations...well, I don't really know about the long vacation part because we've never had one, but I'm guessing!
So this has been a circular post. I'm back to the beginning of not knowing what I want, or knowing what I want and not knowing if I want to make the sacrifices to have it. I want what God wants, I want what's best for Max, I want...well, I think I want it all!
Sadly, I fear this might have seemed like a pity party, I don't intend it to come across that why, I'm just struggling with things right now, literally things! I trust God for our provision and I know He cares for us. I know His Word and what He requires of His children as well as the promises He has made to us, which don't include cars and fridges I know! Our pastor said in church yesterday that "Christ's compassion always manifested itself in action.". That's so true! So is buying a new old car acting on compassion for myself?
JUST KIDDING!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Almost a Sad Day
This morning I was stressing over my sweet computer, it seemed to be sick and to be very honest I love my little MacBook! She goes with me to school, on vacation, to Shriner's when Max has an appointment. We are rarely parted. Veldon isn't a Mac he's a PC, I don't know why but that's the way we roll in this family. In nearly all things we are black and white, not as in there is no gray, but rather I am white and he is black or the other way around. If I'm going left he goes right...we always think differently. So I love my MacBook and he is not a fan. Last night as she would not connect to the internet nor get my email I just felt ill, partially because computers and their fixes are not cheap, and partially because I was without my computer. I didn't' really want to tell Veldon because when something is wrong with my baby he makes fun of her or says he can't help because he knows nothing about Macs and they are too hard to figure out. So I did what any reasonable, early 40's woman would do I went to my room, read a book and pouted...and waited for him to discover the ill computer on his own.
He did discover it and came and asked when I last used my computer as "it isn't connecting to the internet". I snapped "I know, that stupid hotel did something to it and now it won't work". In a nutshell his response was that is wasn't the hotel something else is going on, likely with the computer. But understanding my distress he called our internet provider and spoke with them for a long time to see if they could get the computer to work. They could not. This morning he made an appointment with the Apple Store and we took it in this afternoon. In his defense, he never once criticized my sweet computer and was very kind in helping me get her a doctor's appointment.
We explained the problem and the guy worked and worked. He clicked away and went to places I have never seen on my computer. After about 10 minutes he asked if we had any protection software, we did, our internet provider also provides Nort*n for free so he went in and turned it off. Voila!! My baby was up and running again. The genius guy's best guess was that something at the hotel had triggered the firewall and basically it shut down all internet activity. So it was the hotel and NOT my sweet MacBook...I knew it!! My computer does what she is supposed to do. In the five years we've owned her she has only had to have one serious repair and that was my fault...she doesn't like coffee spilled on her!
So my computer is back and running and the best part is the Apple guy didn't charge us anything! Yay for that! I love all things Apple!
As I type about how much I love my computer I also must say that even though we are rarely parted physically, I'm not one to spend copious amounts of time on my computer. The computer sits on a table in the kitchen and we all drift on and off it through out the day.
One thing I realized through the last 24 hours is how easy it is to be controlled by circumstances, for me at least! I am sure there are a lot of godly people out there that are able to rise above, and I suppose at times I can, but this just really got me down. Probably it was more of a combination of things. My son is 18 and graduates in a few weeks, my computer is/was broken and we do not have the funds to buy a new one and I really need it for work and for the kid's school. Our cars are old and have on and off issues, blah, blah, blah. It's always the same thing. We all have issues and life is a struggle. There is no easy button and this week I wanted one very badly. God gave us a blessing by allowing the fix for the computer to cost no more than the gas to get to the mall and I am constantly reassured that Hayden is in God's hands and He loves my son more than I could. So just as I had to trust God for 2 1/2 years of waiting for Max and know that God cared for my little boy, I have to trust God and know that He also cares for my big boy. Very, very hard! The other things, cars, school, etc they all tend to work out. God guides us through and cares for us. I just need to be better about remembering that simple truth!
He did discover it and came and asked when I last used my computer as "it isn't connecting to the internet". I snapped "I know, that stupid hotel did something to it and now it won't work". In a nutshell his response was that is wasn't the hotel something else is going on, likely with the computer. But understanding my distress he called our internet provider and spoke with them for a long time to see if they could get the computer to work. They could not. This morning he made an appointment with the Apple Store and we took it in this afternoon. In his defense, he never once criticized my sweet computer and was very kind in helping me get her a doctor's appointment.
We explained the problem and the guy worked and worked. He clicked away and went to places I have never seen on my computer. After about 10 minutes he asked if we had any protection software, we did, our internet provider also provides Nort*n for free so he went in and turned it off. Voila!! My baby was up and running again. The genius guy's best guess was that something at the hotel had triggered the firewall and basically it shut down all internet activity. So it was the hotel and NOT my sweet MacBook...I knew it!! My computer does what she is supposed to do. In the five years we've owned her she has only had to have one serious repair and that was my fault...she doesn't like coffee spilled on her!
So my computer is back and running and the best part is the Apple guy didn't charge us anything! Yay for that! I love all things Apple!
As I type about how much I love my computer I also must say that even though we are rarely parted physically, I'm not one to spend copious amounts of time on my computer. The computer sits on a table in the kitchen and we all drift on and off it through out the day.
One thing I realized through the last 24 hours is how easy it is to be controlled by circumstances, for me at least! I am sure there are a lot of godly people out there that are able to rise above, and I suppose at times I can, but this just really got me down. Probably it was more of a combination of things. My son is 18 and graduates in a few weeks, my computer is/was broken and we do not have the funds to buy a new one and I really need it for work and for the kid's school. Our cars are old and have on and off issues, blah, blah, blah. It's always the same thing. We all have issues and life is a struggle. There is no easy button and this week I wanted one very badly. God gave us a blessing by allowing the fix for the computer to cost no more than the gas to get to the mall and I am constantly reassured that Hayden is in God's hands and He loves my son more than I could. So just as I had to trust God for 2 1/2 years of waiting for Max and know that God cared for my little boy, I have to trust God and know that He also cares for my big boy. Very, very hard! The other things, cars, school, etc they all tend to work out. God guides us through and cares for us. I just need to be better about remembering that simple truth!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
0 - 18 Lightening Fast
Next week will mark a milestone in our home. My beautiful baby boy turns 18! I can't believe it, of course what mom says "It feels like it's been 18 years or longer, it's about time!". He graduates in May, and his life is about to change in more ways than he can fathom. He, of course is still looking at short term, what's happening next week or next month, how to spend the summer, etc, but the long term is upon him. Life decisions are being made and the future is being planned. Not that plans can't be changed but he has to start somewhere. He's deciding which college to attend, how to pay for it and even where to live. At times he mentions moving out, I know he is ready (in his mind) to fly, but we aren't sure his wings are quite there yet! Even if they were he's not exactly financially able to support himself, but like his parents before him he might have to learn that the hard way.
It's hard not think back over the last 18 years and ponder the choices and mistakes we have made along the way. One of the biggest decisions we made for Hayden was to pull him out of government schools and home school. For our family it was the right decision, not an eas
y decision to be sure, but right. In the years that he's been home schooled his relationship with his family has done a 18o° about face, he's become one of us again. Right now as I am typing this he is sitting in the front room watching Jimmy Neutron with his little brother, it's so sweet how much attention he pays to Max, not always appropriate like taking most of his clothes off, putting Max on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it and soaking him to the bone, with an outside temp of 65°. I let them play anyway and warmed Max up quickly when he came in, he hasn't seemed to have any lasting negative effects from the cold, but the memory of Hayden playing with him like that will last forever! Hayden's personality has also come out in a way we never guessed it would. He is a definite individual, artsy, eccentric and emotional...all things that don't really fit the mold of the public school student. The two day a week program our kids attend seems to cater to artsy, different kids. They are each individuals and our administration and leadership encourages them to be who they are, to embrace God and to live for His glory...for us home schooling has been amazing!
As Tuesday April 17, approaches I am excited and sad all at the same time. Most of our days of raising this beautiful gift are behind us. His future is for him and his God. He will look to us for support but in a different way, it's more than I can imagine. I remember so vividly the day he was born, a full two weeks late! So had he been born on April 3, as he should have been, this post would be two weeks old. :0) I remember holding him in the hospital and thinking "someday he will be grown, he will turn 18 and I will be old".
I couldn't imagine that sweet, little, wiggly bundle being a big boy, but I knew I wanted to enjoy and ponder the days I had because they would feel too short in the end...I was right! The years have flown by, time has moved more quickly every year, Hayden has grown and matured and has become a young man of whom I am terribly proud.
Last week, while Veldon was gone to a pastor's conference, Hayden stepped up to the plate. He helped me drive the girls to their various activities, watched Max, played with Max, called to let me know exactly where he was and to ask if I needed anything. He stayed home a couple of nights to be here in case I needed his help, he was a miniature model of his dad and I was so proud! He will be a great husband and father some day. He will love his wife the way his father loves me, he will be interested in his kids the way his dad is interested in him. He has absorbed some of the things his father and I have tried to teach him.
My grown son is on the right path. He makes mistakes and still needs direction, but he is becoming a man of integrity and character who loves God. What more could I ask for?
(Sr. picture by One Girl Photography, used by permission)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Orphanage Residue
Over the past 10 months we have noticed behaviors in our fabulous boy that could only be described as orphanage residue! Those behaviors that I just can't imagine he would have had he gone straight from his birth momma into my arms. One way this "residue" reveals itself is in some of Max's really strange behaviors. For example he as the uncanny ability to turn a light meal of 1/2 of a sandwich and some chips into an hour and a half event. Why? Why? On those days no amount of "Max eat" will get the boy to eat more quickly. He'll flay his arms around throw his head into action, but when it's all said and done he hasn't actually eaten any faster and sometimes he hasn't actually even gotten a bite into his mouth. I think maybe meal time was the time when the kids got the most attention so he really stretches it out...that's just a guess though.
Another behavior, which I have mentioned several times I believe, has to do with his head. He leads with his head, head down and he's off. It is actually quite unnerving to look up and see his head coming at you. Generally because there is going to be pain involved...my pain! While we are carrying him he will arch his back and throw his head back, not in a fit, just for the sensation I suppose. Invariably he will hit is head because he generally seems to do this as we walk through a door or next to a wall. He then is hurting and looks at whoever is carrying him like "why did you do that?". It doesn't matter how many times we explain for him NOT to do that, he can't seem to stop the impulse.
He rubs his head on everything! The floor, walls, people...he loves to feel things with his head. It's not uncommon for me to find him in my bedroom butt in the air, head on the carpet walking along. If I've said "Max get off your head" once I've said it 1,ooo times! (I actually think this particular residue is beginning to fade...Prasie the Lord!) But his head thing is still there, when he climbs up onto the furniture he doesn't do it with his legs/knees, he does it with this head, butt in the air, messing up his hair and the pillows and whatever else might be in the way because you can't get on the couch by means of your head without requiring a lot of space!
Another less favorable residue was the storing of food in his mouth, I think that is very, very common among former orphans. "Max swallow" "Max swallow" was my mantra for months. Not so much anymore. But if he gets in a hurry...which is rare at mealtime...he will cram it all in there and then want to run off to swallow at some future time. So I still tend to check his mouth before I let him get down from the table...especially if he is in a hurry to move on.
He has a huge need for us all to be at his beck and call. "Here's my trash mommy." "I want my drink" as it is being passed through the window from the McDonald's worker! (That might have a little bit to do with patience.) "I will eat out of the red, or blue, or yellow, bowl today." "Daddy is going to pray for dinner." "I want some salt please" (mommy starts to take a bite) "and some pepper please" (mommy tries for bit again) "I don't have a stapoon (spoon)" (mommy loses her mind and tells him to eat without it...of course it's soup so a stapoon he gets!) All alone none of these things sound very bad, and they aren't bad, but after an entire day of the constant demands, they can wear you down! It's a bit like the middle school child who is forever saying rude things, but when you confront said middle schooler on any one thing you sound ridiculous, however when the entire day has been spent hearing the little barbs you're at your wits end! Same kind of principle.
One of the really bad left overs from orphan life is disobedience! It is driving us insane. The boy does not think he really has to do anything we tell him to, or not to, do. If I tell him "no" he goes to his dad or one of the girls and asks again...often times right in front of me! If we tell him no he'll go somewhere else and do it anyway. Which requires that we stay a step ahead...a pipe dream at best!
On the flip side of the disobedience is a rather strong sense of honesty. He made a mess in the car last night and was very frustrated he couldn't see the mess, didn't have a napkin and was stuck with a small amount of ice cream on his shirt until we got home. I told him to leave it alone, ignore it, or he would make a a bigger mess. He couldn't stop talking about the worker who didn't give him a napkin.
I said "Max are you still touching the ice cream on your shirt?"
Max ~ "Yes".
Me ~ "Max I told you to leave it alone, not to touch it. Remember? Max you must obey, every single time"
Max ~ "Yes, Okay, Mommy I will leave it alone."
Getting him out of his car seat
Me ~ "Max you are still messing with the ice cream on your shirt. Do you see it's all over your fingers now"
Max ~ "I know Mommy, I real sorry about that."
I then told him he was about to lose the rest of his ice cream for not obeying, at which time he stopped touching the mess until I was able to clean it up.
Obedience is huge in our house...not that is has taken hold with our family very well! But we very uptight about obedience. If our kids don't obey us how will they learn to obey Christ? Therefore, we are not parents to laugh off disobedience with a wink and a pat. When our kids disobey we believe it is huge and deal with it. Of course the older they get the harder it is and the more the lines get blurred. "Mom I was busy. I didn't understand I had to do *** right now, I thought I could do it later. etc, etc." Sometimes these are legitimate, sometimes not and each time we have to decide where to draw that line, to err on the side of grace of discipline. BUT with a 5 year old the lines are much more clear, don't touch means don't touch. Stay in your room means...you get the point.
Even this behavior I can see related to being in a large orphanage with, at times, little supervision. I can see the wheels in his head turning when I tell him he can't do something and a few minutes later he's doing it. This has to be in part related to the fact that if he was told no at BFF, his orphanage, he could walk to another part of the building and do it without anyone being any the wiser, and if the worker did discover he was disobeying a sweet smile and laugh must have gone a long way, because the boy has charm oozing out of him!
Of course for every behavior I have mentioned here, and this is just the tip, some well meaning know-it-all will tell me he just sounds like a normal 5 yr old, or 4 yr old or whatever the case may be. That's true in many ways these are normal behaviors, but in many ways they are not. Our influence on Max is less, at the age of 5, then it was on our other kids at the age of 5. He spends much more time doing what he has been told not to do than the other kids did at the same age. Obviously, he's only been with us for 10 months there isn't the long history of love and trust and influence. These things must grow and develop.
His charm and manipulation are remarkably over developed for a 5 year old while his emotional development is largely delayed. Which I think answers the question why he does not obey and then honestly admits to his disobedience. He doesn't connect the action of disobedience with the reaction of discipline. In some ways one hopes he never will so he continues to tell the truth, but if he never relates action to reaction he'll never be motivated to be obedient. It's a Catch 22 to be sure!
Another behavior, which I have mentioned several times I believe, has to do with his head. He leads with his head, head down and he's off. It is actually quite unnerving to look up and see his head coming at you. Generally because there is going to be pain involved...my pain! While we are carrying him he will arch his back and throw his head back, not in a fit, just for the sensation I suppose. Invariably he will hit is head because he generally seems to do this as we walk through a door or next to a wall. He then is hurting and looks at whoever is carrying him like "why did you do that?". It doesn't matter how many times we explain for him NOT to do that, he can't seem to stop the impulse.
He rubs his head on everything! The floor, walls, people...he loves to feel things with his head. It's not uncommon for me to find him in my bedroom butt in the air, head on the carpet walking along. If I've said "Max get off your head" once I've said it 1,ooo times! (I actually think this particular residue is beginning to fade...Prasie the Lord!) But his head thing is still there, when he climbs up onto the furniture he doesn't do it with his legs/knees, he does it with this head, butt in the air, messing up his hair and the pillows and whatever else might be in the way because you can't get on the couch by means of your head without requiring a lot of space!
Another less favorable residue was the storing of food in his mouth, I think that is very, very common among former orphans. "Max swallow" "Max swallow" was my mantra for months. Not so much anymore. But if he gets in a hurry...which is rare at mealtime...he will cram it all in there and then want to run off to swallow at some future time. So I still tend to check his mouth before I let him get down from the table...especially if he is in a hurry to move on.
He has a huge need for us all to be at his beck and call. "Here's my trash mommy." "I want my drink" as it is being passed through the window from the McDonald's worker! (That might have a little bit to do with patience.) "I will eat out of the red, or blue, or yellow, bowl today." "Daddy is going to pray for dinner." "I want some salt please" (mommy starts to take a bite) "and some pepper please" (mommy tries for bit again) "I don't have a stapoon (spoon)" (mommy loses her mind and tells him to eat without it...of course it's soup so a stapoon he gets!) All alone none of these things sound very bad, and they aren't bad, but after an entire day of the constant demands, they can wear you down! It's a bit like the middle school child who is forever saying rude things, but when you confront said middle schooler on any one thing you sound ridiculous, however when the entire day has been spent hearing the little barbs you're at your wits end! Same kind of principle.
One of the really bad left overs from orphan life is disobedience! It is driving us insane. The boy does not think he really has to do anything we tell him to, or not to, do. If I tell him "no" he goes to his dad or one of the girls and asks again...often times right in front of me! If we tell him no he'll go somewhere else and do it anyway. Which requires that we stay a step ahead...a pipe dream at best!
On the flip side of the disobedience is a rather strong sense of honesty. He made a mess in the car last night and was very frustrated he couldn't see the mess, didn't have a napkin and was stuck with a small amount of ice cream on his shirt until we got home. I told him to leave it alone, ignore it, or he would make a a bigger mess. He couldn't stop talking about the worker who didn't give him a napkin.
I said "Max are you still touching the ice cream on your shirt?"
Max ~ "Yes".
Me ~ "Max I told you to leave it alone, not to touch it. Remember? Max you must obey, every single time"
Max ~ "Yes, Okay, Mommy I will leave it alone."
Getting him out of his car seat
Me ~ "Max you are still messing with the ice cream on your shirt. Do you see it's all over your fingers now"
Max ~ "I know Mommy, I real sorry about that."
I then told him he was about to lose the rest of his ice cream for not obeying, at which time he stopped touching the mess until I was able to clean it up.
Obedience is huge in our house...not that is has taken hold with our family very well! But we very uptight about obedience. If our kids don't obey us how will they learn to obey Christ? Therefore, we are not parents to laugh off disobedience with a wink and a pat. When our kids disobey we believe it is huge and deal with it. Of course the older they get the harder it is and the more the lines get blurred. "Mom I was busy. I didn't understand I had to do *** right now, I thought I could do it later. etc, etc." Sometimes these are legitimate, sometimes not and each time we have to decide where to draw that line, to err on the side of grace of discipline. BUT with a 5 year old the lines are much more clear, don't touch means don't touch. Stay in your room means...you get the point.
Even this behavior I can see related to being in a large orphanage with, at times, little supervision. I can see the wheels in his head turning when I tell him he can't do something and a few minutes later he's doing it. This has to be in part related to the fact that if he was told no at BFF, his orphanage, he could walk to another part of the building and do it without anyone being any the wiser, and if the worker did discover he was disobeying a sweet smile and laugh must have gone a long way, because the boy has charm oozing out of him!
Of course for every behavior I have mentioned here, and this is just the tip, some well meaning know-it-all will tell me he just sounds like a normal 5 yr old, or 4 yr old or whatever the case may be. That's true in many ways these are normal behaviors, but in many ways they are not. Our influence on Max is less, at the age of 5, then it was on our other kids at the age of 5. He spends much more time doing what he has been told not to do than the other kids did at the same age. Obviously, he's only been with us for 10 months there isn't the long history of love and trust and influence. These things must grow and develop.
His charm and manipulation are remarkably over developed for a 5 year old while his emotional development is largely delayed. Which I think answers the question why he does not obey and then honestly admits to his disobedience. He doesn't connect the action of disobedience with the reaction of discipline. In some ways one hopes he never will so he continues to tell the truth, but if he never relates action to reaction he'll never be motivated to be obedient. It's a Catch 22 to be sure!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Birthday Thoughts
Today, or rather yesterday as I am beginning to write this in the wee hours of the morning, we celebrated Max's 5th birthday and his first birthday at home. We missed 3 birthdays...I can't believe it! We knew we would miss the first when he turned 2. We had hoped to be there before #3 and by #4 I figured it was best not to hope. Not that birthdays are that special to us, because they really aren't big deals in our family. But every birthday we missed was another reminder that he was getting older without us, he was changing and growing in a cold, lonely institution. When we traveled to pick him up some of our concerns were laid to rest, to a certain degree. He certainly wasn't lonely, and the orphanage, although lacking in toys and personal affects seemed nice and caring.
As this day wore on I was constantly drawn back to Max's birth mother. I have wondered why he was abandoned and if she really had planned to return for him as the paperwork indicated, but clearly never did, not even for one visit. Did she leave him because he was a mistake, maybe she couldn't afford him or was it because of his special needs? Had she known about his special needs before he was born would she have chosen another route? Might she have chosen to end the pregnancy? I will never have the answers to these questions, and honestly I rarely think about her. I know her name, I know where he was born and I even have an old address for her, but I don't spend much time on her. Today, though, I thought about her, I wondered if she was missing him on his birthday, or worried about him. I wondered if she would be amazed that he is now in the United States sitting in a Thai restaurant wondering what the nice Thai ladies were saying to him. His life is so drastically different; one she would not recognize.
My greater concern is my son. His heart, his life, his future. He will live everyday of his life with his special needs, on top of that he will live every day as a minority and as an adopted child. He has hurdles to over come. His needs aren't tucked away in a neat little package behind his clothes, the older he grows the more obvious his arms will become, so it seems to me anyway. He will always begin relationships, new situations, school with a deficit in that he will be judged first for his physical limitation or his dark skin, or even for having white parents, good or bad it will happen. I, as his mother, won't be able to walk the road ahead of him forever, I won't be able to protect him, explain for him or to him and try to make the world fair for him. Those are the thoughts that take more of my energy and time than thoughts about his birth mom.
When we decided to adopt we specifically chose a special needs child. We truly wanted to choose a child who might have trouble finding a family, but we also knew that we had to work within certain parameters because we have three other children and they need us to be available for them as well. A limb difference was one of the needs that seemed like a good fit for us and it has been. But saying all that we also knew there would be no quick fix for his arms, this was for a lifetime and we would have to deal with it. What has been a surprise for us, while we waited for him and since we have brought him home, is how easily he has fit in to our family, how much he desires to be one of us, and the fact that he would likely not have had trouble finding a family as there were rumors from the orphanage that other families were interested in him. That scared the life out of me!!!! I am so thankful that God chose us to be his family and not another, yet I know that He would have been right had He done what I consider the unthinkable.
Although charming and bright and utterly adorable Max still lives with his special needs, he always will. He will never have a normal left arm, nor a normal right arm for that matter. Everyday is a challenge, not always in a difficult way, but a challenge nonetheless. Everyday as his mother I am torn between forcing him to do things for himself and jumping in and doing for him. It's so hard to watch him struggle, but there's a greater picture to be seen. Even the simplest tasks, that other five year olds take for granted, like buttoning and pulling up their pants are difficult, sometimes impossible for Max. How hard do I push him to accomplish the things that are hard? How much do I do for him because he's sweating and there doesn't seem to be any change in whatever he is attempting to do? Every single day we are bombarded with these questions.
So on this birthday, actually, truly the day after now, I am so very grateful for all God has done in my life, in Max's life and in our family. Over the last 9 1/2 months we have learned so much about Max, about adding a family member to the family unit, about bonding, about institutional residue and about Max's skeletal issues. We have learned much, and have much to learn, about encouraging a child with differences and we are learning, hopefully, how not to completely frustrate him. While we waited for Max I read all I could find on limb differences and specifically the radial club hand, but there's no substitute for walking the road. There is really no way to know what to expect when you have a child with special needs until you actually have the child. Reading and preparing were good and right, but experience is the best teacher. If we adopt again I would probably be open to a wider spectrum of SN having walked through this with Max. I would never wish for any child to have any thing wrong with them, but in God's greatness He is able to work through all things and be glorified! What a blessing for us and for Max.
As this day wore on I was constantly drawn back to Max's birth mother. I have wondered why he was abandoned and if she really had planned to return for him as the paperwork indicated, but clearly never did, not even for one visit. Did she leave him because he was a mistake, maybe she couldn't afford him or was it because of his special needs? Had she known about his special needs before he was born would she have chosen another route? Might she have chosen to end the pregnancy? I will never have the answers to these questions, and honestly I rarely think about her. I know her name, I know where he was born and I even have an old address for her, but I don't spend much time on her. Today, though, I thought about her, I wondered if she was missing him on his birthday, or worried about him. I wondered if she would be amazed that he is now in the United States sitting in a Thai restaurant wondering what the nice Thai ladies were saying to him. His life is so drastically different; one she would not recognize.
My greater concern is my son. His heart, his life, his future. He will live everyday of his life with his special needs, on top of that he will live every day as a minority and as an adopted child. He has hurdles to over come. His needs aren't tucked away in a neat little package behind his clothes, the older he grows the more obvious his arms will become, so it seems to me anyway. He will always begin relationships, new situations, school with a deficit in that he will be judged first for his physical limitation or his dark skin, or even for having white parents, good or bad it will happen. I, as his mother, won't be able to walk the road ahead of him forever, I won't be able to protect him, explain for him or to him and try to make the world fair for him. Those are the thoughts that take more of my energy and time than thoughts about his birth mom.
When we decided to adopt we specifically chose a special needs child. We truly wanted to choose a child who might have trouble finding a family, but we also knew that we had to work within certain parameters because we have three other children and they need us to be available for them as well. A limb difference was one of the needs that seemed like a good fit for us and it has been. But saying all that we also knew there would be no quick fix for his arms, this was for a lifetime and we would have to deal with it. What has been a surprise for us, while we waited for him and since we have brought him home, is how easily he has fit in to our family, how much he desires to be one of us, and the fact that he would likely not have had trouble finding a family as there were rumors from the orphanage that other families were interested in him. That scared the life out of me!!!! I am so thankful that God chose us to be his family and not another, yet I know that He would have been right had He done what I consider the unthinkable.
Although charming and bright and utterly adorable Max still lives with his special needs, he always will. He will never have a normal left arm, nor a normal right arm for that matter. Everyday is a challenge, not always in a difficult way, but a challenge nonetheless. Everyday as his mother I am torn between forcing him to do things for himself and jumping in and doing for him. It's so hard to watch him struggle, but there's a greater picture to be seen. Even the simplest tasks, that other five year olds take for granted, like buttoning and pulling up their pants are difficult, sometimes impossible for Max. How hard do I push him to accomplish the things that are hard? How much do I do for him because he's sweating and there doesn't seem to be any change in whatever he is attempting to do? Every single day we are bombarded with these questions.
So on this birthday, actually, truly the day after now, I am so very grateful for all God has done in my life, in Max's life and in our family. Over the last 9 1/2 months we have learned so much about Max, about adding a family member to the family unit, about bonding, about institutional residue and about Max's skeletal issues. We have learned much, and have much to learn, about encouraging a child with differences and we are learning, hopefully, how not to completely frustrate him. While we waited for Max I read all I could find on limb differences and specifically the radial club hand, but there's no substitute for walking the road. There is really no way to know what to expect when you have a child with special needs until you actually have the child. Reading and preparing were good and right, but experience is the best teacher. If we adopt again I would probably be open to a wider spectrum of SN having walked through this with Max. I would never wish for any child to have any thing wrong with them, but in God's greatness He is able to work through all things and be glorified! What a blessing for us and for Max.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thailand
Last Saturday Veldon and I took Max to an Asian market in Atlanta. It was large and busy and crowded and possessed many of the smells we remember from Thailand. Max was in awe as we went in and he saw so many things familiar to him, fruits, veggies, people, the crowd in such a small area. He watched the people, many of whom were in fact Asian and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the whole visit. We bought him noodles from Thailand and I bought sauces to use in cooking some foods he loves, like Pad Thai. Veldon and I enjoyed being there too, looking at the various foods and watching the people. On the Thai aisle we asked an Asian lady about making Pad Thai, she was from Cambodia but knew exactly what we needed to do and needed to know. She was so sweet and friendly and willing to answer my questions. For a few brief moments we felt as if we were back in Thailand. Strangely enough we felt a sense of loss when we left.
It is the oddest thing, as far as I am concerned, that Veldon and I both feel as if we left something in Thailand. Of course we brought something much greater than we could comprehend out of Thailand, but we absolutely fell in love with the country, with the people and with what we saw. Maybe it was living for almost 2 weeks in a luxury hotel, and we just think we liked the country, but I don't think so. I think we got a tiny glimpse of a completely different world. A world that is not based on Judeo-Christian values, even a little bit. A world where dogs roam the street unfeared, largely unnoticed, because there is so much trash they have plenty to eat. A world where the individual seems lost into being one of many. A world dominated by superstition and idol worship.
We visited the Buddhist temples and saw with our own eyes people literally bowing down to idols. Something I never really thought I would see, we hear about it, we are warned not to have idols in our lives, not to love other things more than God, but to actually witness the devotion of flesh and blood humans to a man made idol is heart wrenching. How do they miss it so greatly? Why would you throw yourself onto your face in front of a graven image? I don't know, but they do it, all the time, all day. Women and merchants get up early to put flower arrangements together for people to buy at day break to offer to Buddha. They erect shrines all over the place for their false god, they worship this idol with a devotion one rarely sees in a Western Christian church. It was stunning.
No one who knows me would ever suspect that I could be so taken by a foreign country, especially not a third world foreign country, full of strange smells and foods, but I am! I love it. Veldon and I would go back tomorrow if we could. They need more Christians there to tell them about Jesus, they need more people to care for the orphans lost in their strange orphan system, they need to know, to see, the love of Christ. The orphans, the workers, the impoverished, the taxi drivers...all of them. We would pack up our children and go if we could, of course we aren't there yet. God hasn't called us to do that yet, but I certainly never envisioned myself coming home with a son and a love for a country on the other side of the world.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Pictures
My Love as a Bee Gee! A few weeks ago we had a talent show and the staff dressed up as the Bee Gees...kind of!
In the hotel room in Greenville, with Katie, one of Max's very most favorite people!
Love this!
This is the coolest bridge!
Feeding the ducks.
Fun trip to Shriner's a few weeks ago. No changes with Max or his arms so we go back in 6 months. These are great little over night trips!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Growing Up
Who would have thought that I would be spending energy contemplating a Kindergarten curriculum for a preschooler and colleges for a senior at the same time? Certainly not I!!! Max won't officially attend K at our school this year, although cognitively I think he could do it, he's like a sponge. Developmentally he isn't there yet. He doesn't really seem to use information in a consistent, meaningful way, connect the dots of the puzzle to make sense. For example we worked in the yard yesterday, he and I, he left me in the backyard to go in for a minute. A few minutes later he was back outside, in the front yelling for me, even when I called him to the back he stayed in the front yelling. We had worked in the front for quite a while but moved to the back. I went to the front and asked him where I was when he went inside, he said "back there" pointing to the back yard. I asked why he didn't look for me there and his face went blank and after a few seconds he said "I don't know". I don't think he ever got why he should be looking for me in the back, even when I wasn't in the front, even when I reminded him we had been in the back. The front is where we spend most of our time so it made sense to him that I would be in the front. That may not seem like a big deal but if he can't take information and use it then he's not ready for a school classroom. Even if it is just 2 days a week. He's getting better though and he will continue to mature and catch up. In the mean time I will teach him at home because his mind is always going and he desperately wants to learn.
We are finishing up all the "stuff" to graduate Hayden. My goodness it's daunting! Pictures to submit, announcements to make, letters to write, tests to schedule for him to take, applications to fill out, change, change, change is what all of this is screaming to me! I'm not a big fan of change either, I can do it, I just prefer not to. I'm not sure if that's a result of getting older, I am middle aged now, or the fact that we experienced so much change for so long that I am just over it, or a combination of both, probably the latter! I'm old and have had too much change. Knowing that Hayden's friends won't be hanging out here like they have is sad. Knowing the his childhood is coming to and end is sad. The fact that I am old enough to have an almost 18 yr old is sad. Thinking that in the future, maybe not this year but soon, I won't see his face every single day is sad. It's hard to watch your babies grow into adulthood. Sitting around the dinner table laughing, or crying as the case may be, can be the best part of the day. They aren't all home every evening but when they are it can be so much fun. Those days of having them all home together are dwindling away quickly.
I'm so grateful for the years of home schooling we chose to do. I'm glad I've been home with them, or they've been home with me to be more accurate. I'm glad they all pile onto our bed and laugh and talk and often times run me out of the room because the tend to get rowdy with their dad. I like to hear them laughing at night or playing stupid games like "Rock, Scissors, Paper" and then watching a movie.
Hayden's future is wide open, he just has to figure out what he wants to do with it. Of course I worry about him, but I know God has a plan for Hayden. I know that my Heavenly Father loves Hayden more than I ever could. I know that He is always working in Hayden's life for His good and glory. So although as a momma I worry, as a child of God I rest in the truth that I don't have to worry my son has an all sufficient Father. Allison, on the other hand, is preparing for the future already, making plans and creating a map. Which includes being accepted to UGA in the fall of her senior year. She's not sure she wants to go there, but she wants early admittance. Silly girl! She is constantly looking at colleges and mission groups and careers. I'm not sure what she will come up with but she is certainly working toward it...whatever it may be!
I love my children and I love being their mom. I love driving them all over creation, I love that every time I walk out the door one of them wants to tag along. I love that they tell me what's going on in their heads...even if it makes no sense! I love that our house is full of endless chatter, not noise (although it can be very noisy!) it's chatter, talk, constant talk.
We are finishing up all the "stuff" to graduate Hayden. My goodness it's daunting! Pictures to submit, announcements to make, letters to write, tests to schedule for him to take, applications to fill out, change, change, change is what all of this is screaming to me! I'm not a big fan of change either, I can do it, I just prefer not to. I'm not sure if that's a result of getting older, I am middle aged now, or the fact that we experienced so much change for so long that I am just over it, or a combination of both, probably the latter! I'm old and have had too much change. Knowing that Hayden's friends won't be hanging out here like they have is sad. Knowing the his childhood is coming to and end is sad. The fact that I am old enough to have an almost 18 yr old is sad. Thinking that in the future, maybe not this year but soon, I won't see his face every single day is sad. It's hard to watch your babies grow into adulthood. Sitting around the dinner table laughing, or crying as the case may be, can be the best part of the day. They aren't all home every evening but when they are it can be so much fun. Those days of having them all home together are dwindling away quickly.
I'm so grateful for the years of home schooling we chose to do. I'm glad I've been home with them, or they've been home with me to be more accurate. I'm glad they all pile onto our bed and laugh and talk and often times run me out of the room because the tend to get rowdy with their dad. I like to hear them laughing at night or playing stupid games like "Rock, Scissors, Paper" and then watching a movie.
Hayden's future is wide open, he just has to figure out what he wants to do with it. Of course I worry about him, but I know God has a plan for Hayden. I know that my Heavenly Father loves Hayden more than I ever could. I know that He is always working in Hayden's life for His good and glory. So although as a momma I worry, as a child of God I rest in the truth that I don't have to worry my son has an all sufficient Father. Allison, on the other hand, is preparing for the future already, making plans and creating a map. Which includes being accepted to UGA in the fall of her senior year. She's not sure she wants to go there, but she wants early admittance. Silly girl! She is constantly looking at colleges and mission groups and careers. I'm not sure what she will come up with but she is certainly working toward it...whatever it may be!
I love my children and I love being their mom. I love driving them all over creation, I love that every time I walk out the door one of them wants to tag along. I love that they tell me what's going on in their heads...even if it makes no sense! I love that our house is full of endless chatter, not noise (although it can be very noisy!) it's chatter, talk, constant talk.
Friday, February 17, 2012
To Be or Not To Be....
I'm a question asker, anyone who knows me knows it is true...my sweet husband, way back when he was just the boy of my dreams, actually asked me if I ask so many questions just to annoy him. He now says he asked that in jest...that is not the case but I forgive him anyway! As a punishment for his not so nice comment/question God has blessed us with a 13 year old who puts my own question asking to shame! Katie is an expert question asker and now it seems Max is following in his big sister's foot steps, we'll have to see about the latter.
That being said, I'm a question asker, it stands to reason that my mind is always moving...it's nothing special lots of people ask questions and think thoughts! On the other hand I know people who don't think a lot of thoughts and don't ask questions, so obviously there are all types in the world. Veldon and I are also both pretty verbal, my mom always laughs that it's no wonder our kids talked young Veldon and I never stop talking. Katie was seriously speaking in sentences on her first birthday! They all three score very high on the verbal sections of all standardized tests and they are all full of words just like their parents. At 4 Allison would complain that Katie, then 1, was talking on her sentence. We all like to get our words out!
Part of the thoughts I think is why I think the thoughts I think and why I say the things I say. In seminary I heard this described, I was actually stunned that other people do it, but they do and it's a part of meta communication or meta consciousness. It seems everyone does it on some level, I am fascinated with the deeper level of thinking and communicating. So all that to say I also wonder what God is doing and why, how, whatever and how it relates to me and what I am doing. "What if I had done this would God have done that?" "What if I had prayed one more time would God have changed my mind, whispered some new truth to me, spoken His secret will to me...finally?" what would have happened then? This is sometimes a struggle for my heart and my brain, because my brain is logical to the truth, but my heart really likes the mystical! I firmly believe with everything in me (my brain that is!) that God works through His revealed Word, which is His revealed will. We can know what God wants by reading His Word. We can have a clue on how He is working by understanding His Word, He is always working for His own glory...according to His Word! For example He wants us (His children) to marry believers, it is a sin to marry a non-believer. He wants us to be faithful to the body of believers and for wives to submit to their husbands. He wants us to do everything as if we are doing it specifically for Him, this brings Him glory. These are all a part of His revealed will.
There are also things that I believe we tend to turn into the "mystical". We can have this idea that if we make a mistake and "step out of God's will" then all the sudden we are in God's "second, or third or worst" will for our lives. If things don't go the way I hoped or prayed for, or things get difficult we question if we "missed His will". I struggle with that! Does the sovereign expect the mortal, with limited sight and understanding to find His complex, hidden will and if we don't are we zapped with "second best"? I used to think so. I used to think if something went wrong it was my fault, I didn't pray enough and therefore I didn't catch that mystical vibe and I went the wrong way. I don't believe that anymore. Prayer is the right thing to do of course, but I rarely find that prayer makes life perfect, simple or easy. What prayer does is change the person praying. It changes me, my desires, my perspective and it helps me to submit. For years Veldon said he would pray about adopting, he didn't pray about it, he readily admits to that now, he didn't want to pray because he didn't want to have his desire, not to adopt, changed to God's will that we are to relieve the suffering of the orphan. If we are praying for months over a decision, it is my belief that we are rarely praying for clarity, although that might be what I say I am praying for, when I am truly honest with myself and with God I see that I am praying for my desires to come into alignment with His own, or even hoping that He will change. This may or may not be true with other people, Veldon and I are not people who really struggle with indecision so we probably see the world differently than those who do struggle. Although Veldon will say he did struggle with indecision in the past, he doesn't too much anymore. We aren't hand wringers, we don't wrestle day in and day out with a decision...in general...we do, however, struggle with obedience. It would be easy for me turn my slowness to obey into something spiritual, but often times it's not. For example home schooling. I knew for several years before we took our kids out of government schools that God was leading us to that. The influence of the world was becoming to great on our kids, we were losing them. I prayed and prayed about it, trying to find God's elusive will for our kids education, when all the while His Word is clear that we are to be teaching them about Him, we are to be training them. I just didn't want to do it. Once we were obedient things fell into place. It was a spiritual decision to be sure, but there was nothing mystical about it and "praying" was just disobedience, because I still wasn't doing what I knew we were to do! Not that praying was wrong, but dragging my feet to obey was wrong. God had revealed His will, it is all over His Word. I just didn't want to do it.
Adoption of course is a hard thing! In discussing it with a friend the other day I said I truly believe that it is never wrong for a believer to move forward to adopt. James 1:27 is my proof text for that. Does that mean it's God will for every believer to adopt, I don't think so. I also don't believe that every believer has to start an adoption to be obedient to the Word, but we are, all of us, to be involved in relieving the suffering of the orphan. This is more than a pat on the arm or a quick hug, this is intervention. Perhaps God has called a family to give to an orphanage or support a child monthly, those are all ways to relieve suffering. I would never look down on individuals for not adopting, I do however struggle with the body that doesn't seem to have desire to obey God in this area. As followers of Jesus, I truly believe that stepping on the road to adoption is not wrong, maybe it won't happen, maybe God won't bring an orphan home to your family, but He will honor your obedience. When we started our process for Max I wasn't sure how it would end, and honestly for a very long time I wondered, but my heart's desire was that if God didn't allow us to bring an orphan home that He would put a love for the orphan in the hearts of our children! God did both, He brought Max home and He gave all three of our biological children a heart for the orphan.
If we were to start the process of adoption again, for another orphan, I don't know that God would give us another child, but I do know that He would honor our hearts. He would honor our obedience and He would use it to bring glory to Himself. I certainly would not believe we walked down the wrong road, didn't pray enough, or missed His mystical will. I would have to believe that for this time His specific will for us is not to adopt again, or that there was something to learned in the process. His revealed will remains the same, that we be involved in relieving the suffering of orphans. Of course, if we started again and God frustrated the process I would be heartbroken! If we started an adoption again we would certainly pray, but I have to admit that prayer isn't a magic bullet that, just because I pray and pray about something, I am not promised an easy road or the outcome I hoped for.
So why am I thinking about prayer and adoption and orphans? I don't know! Why am I asking about God's will? I guess it's because my mind is always moving and thinking. Do we raise Max alone? Katie will be gone in 5 years! Do we adopt again? Do we pack our bags and move to some remote part of the world? (I don't think so!) But these are thoughts I have and I have to wonder why I am thinking them and where God will lead them!
That being said, I'm a question asker, it stands to reason that my mind is always moving...it's nothing special lots of people ask questions and think thoughts! On the other hand I know people who don't think a lot of thoughts and don't ask questions, so obviously there are all types in the world. Veldon and I are also both pretty verbal, my mom always laughs that it's no wonder our kids talked young Veldon and I never stop talking. Katie was seriously speaking in sentences on her first birthday! They all three score very high on the verbal sections of all standardized tests and they are all full of words just like their parents. At 4 Allison would complain that Katie, then 1, was talking on her sentence. We all like to get our words out!
Part of the thoughts I think is why I think the thoughts I think and why I say the things I say. In seminary I heard this described, I was actually stunned that other people do it, but they do and it's a part of meta communication or meta consciousness. It seems everyone does it on some level, I am fascinated with the deeper level of thinking and communicating. So all that to say I also wonder what God is doing and why, how, whatever and how it relates to me and what I am doing. "What if I had done this would God have done that?" "What if I had prayed one more time would God have changed my mind, whispered some new truth to me, spoken His secret will to me...finally?" what would have happened then? This is sometimes a struggle for my heart and my brain, because my brain is logical to the truth, but my heart really likes the mystical! I firmly believe with everything in me (my brain that is!) that God works through His revealed Word, which is His revealed will. We can know what God wants by reading His Word. We can have a clue on how He is working by understanding His Word, He is always working for His own glory...according to His Word! For example He wants us (His children) to marry believers, it is a sin to marry a non-believer. He wants us to be faithful to the body of believers and for wives to submit to their husbands. He wants us to do everything as if we are doing it specifically for Him, this brings Him glory. These are all a part of His revealed will.
There are also things that I believe we tend to turn into the "mystical". We can have this idea that if we make a mistake and "step out of God's will" then all the sudden we are in God's "second, or third or worst" will for our lives. If things don't go the way I hoped or prayed for, or things get difficult we question if we "missed His will". I struggle with that! Does the sovereign expect the mortal, with limited sight and understanding to find His complex, hidden will and if we don't are we zapped with "second best"? I used to think so. I used to think if something went wrong it was my fault, I didn't pray enough and therefore I didn't catch that mystical vibe and I went the wrong way. I don't believe that anymore. Prayer is the right thing to do of course, but I rarely find that prayer makes life perfect, simple or easy. What prayer does is change the person praying. It changes me, my desires, my perspective and it helps me to submit. For years Veldon said he would pray about adopting, he didn't pray about it, he readily admits to that now, he didn't want to pray because he didn't want to have his desire, not to adopt, changed to God's will that we are to relieve the suffering of the orphan. If we are praying for months over a decision, it is my belief that we are rarely praying for clarity, although that might be what I say I am praying for, when I am truly honest with myself and with God I see that I am praying for my desires to come into alignment with His own, or even hoping that He will change. This may or may not be true with other people, Veldon and I are not people who really struggle with indecision so we probably see the world differently than those who do struggle. Although Veldon will say he did struggle with indecision in the past, he doesn't too much anymore. We aren't hand wringers, we don't wrestle day in and day out with a decision...in general...we do, however, struggle with obedience. It would be easy for me turn my slowness to obey into something spiritual, but often times it's not. For example home schooling. I knew for several years before we took our kids out of government schools that God was leading us to that. The influence of the world was becoming to great on our kids, we were losing them. I prayed and prayed about it, trying to find God's elusive will for our kids education, when all the while His Word is clear that we are to be teaching them about Him, we are to be training them. I just didn't want to do it. Once we were obedient things fell into place. It was a spiritual decision to be sure, but there was nothing mystical about it and "praying" was just disobedience, because I still wasn't doing what I knew we were to do! Not that praying was wrong, but dragging my feet to obey was wrong. God had revealed His will, it is all over His Word. I just didn't want to do it.
Adoption of course is a hard thing! In discussing it with a friend the other day I said I truly believe that it is never wrong for a believer to move forward to adopt. James 1:27 is my proof text for that. Does that mean it's God will for every believer to adopt, I don't think so. I also don't believe that every believer has to start an adoption to be obedient to the Word, but we are, all of us, to be involved in relieving the suffering of the orphan. This is more than a pat on the arm or a quick hug, this is intervention. Perhaps God has called a family to give to an orphanage or support a child monthly, those are all ways to relieve suffering. I would never look down on individuals for not adopting, I do however struggle with the body that doesn't seem to have desire to obey God in this area. As followers of Jesus, I truly believe that stepping on the road to adoption is not wrong, maybe it won't happen, maybe God won't bring an orphan home to your family, but He will honor your obedience. When we started our process for Max I wasn't sure how it would end, and honestly for a very long time I wondered, but my heart's desire was that if God didn't allow us to bring an orphan home that He would put a love for the orphan in the hearts of our children! God did both, He brought Max home and He gave all three of our biological children a heart for the orphan.
If we were to start the process of adoption again, for another orphan, I don't know that God would give us another child, but I do know that He would honor our hearts. He would honor our obedience and He would use it to bring glory to Himself. I certainly would not believe we walked down the wrong road, didn't pray enough, or missed His mystical will. I would have to believe that for this time His specific will for us is not to adopt again, or that there was something to learned in the process. His revealed will remains the same, that we be involved in relieving the suffering of orphans. Of course, if we started again and God frustrated the process I would be heartbroken! If we started an adoption again we would certainly pray, but I have to admit that prayer isn't a magic bullet that, just because I pray and pray about something, I am not promised an easy road or the outcome I hoped for.
So why am I thinking about prayer and adoption and orphans? I don't know! Why am I asking about God's will? I guess it's because my mind is always moving and thinking. Do we raise Max alone? Katie will be gone in 5 years! Do we adopt again? Do we pack our bags and move to some remote part of the world? (I don't think so!) But these are thoughts I have and I have to wonder why I am thinking them and where God will lead them!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Blowing By...
This week our sweet, beautiful Allison was asked to our school's JROTC Military Ball, not by one but by two young men! She was thrilled to say the least! The first boy, with whom she is going, came to the school at lunch time especially to ask her, he attends the alternate days that our kids attend. She and all her friends were jumping and squealing and hugging and laughing. Just the sort of reaction I would expect from one of my very expressive children! She ran over to me and was talking so fast I had to have her repeat herself, she could hardly talk her smile was so big. It was a sweet moment for me as a momma to see my little girl so happy, it was a difficult moment to know she is growing up! She is 15 for goodness sake, it seems like she was just born, just latching on to my shoulder and throwing her head back to look all around as if she was some how missing something. She was never interested in being cradled in my arms as her brother was. Since the day she was born she has wanted to be a part of the world, not just around it, not standing on the side, but interacting with it. Now she is jumping in with both feet, the times are changing, our children are growing up, and now the girls are starting their season of going with boys to dances! This won't be a date, we'll drive her to the dance and we are allowing her date to drive her home with very specific time lines and driving routes.
It was hard for me as a momma too, to call my husband...her daddy and tell him that his daughter has been asked to a very special ball. He was home sick that day and was a little sicker after the conversation. Of course he is happy for her, but he is her daddy. The young man had to call, after asking Allison, and talk to Veldon and ask his permission. Allison was so nervous she gave the boy her cellphone number, which turned out to be rather confusing but in the end he called and asked permission. Veldon's voice was about gone and very raspy, I wonder if he scared the fire out of the boy! Hayden has now completely stepped into the role of big brother and told us he was going to talk to the boy too...I'm pretty sure Allison hopes he doesn't! We are now all focused on looking for that perfect, modest dress!
Watching my girls and their dad is such a sweet thing! I adore my mom and have always been close to her, but there are many times I have wished to really have a father, there's no other relationship in the world like it, as I suspect there is none like the mother-son relationship. Our family has never really been divided into gender, Daddy does this with the boys, Mommy does this with the girls...it has always been a much more collaborative effort. Of course I have generally bought the clothes and mommy stuff like that, but Veldon has given all four of our kids as many baths as I have, we have both put on shoes and kissed booboos. Max is very attached to Veldon, but I think it's because he loves it when Veldon is home and he loves being around a man. He doesn't look to Veldon for anything more than he looks to me. He does like it when Veldon pushes the buggy at the store, but I think that has more to do with the likelihood of playing around and running through the aisles! Hayden does the same thing when he is pushing the buggy.
The difference I see in parenting and gender relationships is how much the child looks to the opposite sex parent for validation. My girls really need for Veldon to tell them how pretty they are, they love to tell him about their days and get his perspective. When Hayden is having a bad day or time in his life he will often open up to me, he looks to me for validation that he's a good kid and a nice boy, that he can do it. I also think I tend to do more for Hayden and protect him from things more than his dad would. On the flip side, I think the girls get more grace for the mood swings and other stuff from their dad then they do from me. I'm excited for Allison to go this ball, Veldon is dreading it, he's not ready and not looking forward to it. When Hayden went out to his first dance with a girl I was so upset, Veldon was fine, not worried a bit. I worried he would be nervous or she would be unkind, that he might feel silly...all sorts of things. Veldon was just fine!
So we are walking, as a family, into another season of our lives. The season where our girls are noticed by boys. Every dad seems to make it through this time, but I know who isn't thrilled to have seen, up close a change in seasons!
It was hard for me as a momma too, to call my husband...her daddy and tell him that his daughter has been asked to a very special ball. He was home sick that day and was a little sicker after the conversation. Of course he is happy for her, but he is her daddy. The young man had to call, after asking Allison, and talk to Veldon and ask his permission. Allison was so nervous she gave the boy her cellphone number, which turned out to be rather confusing but in the end he called and asked permission. Veldon's voice was about gone and very raspy, I wonder if he scared the fire out of the boy! Hayden has now completely stepped into the role of big brother and told us he was going to talk to the boy too...I'm pretty sure Allison hopes he doesn't! We are now all focused on looking for that perfect, modest dress!
Watching my girls and their dad is such a sweet thing! I adore my mom and have always been close to her, but there are many times I have wished to really have a father, there's no other relationship in the world like it, as I suspect there is none like the mother-son relationship. Our family has never really been divided into gender, Daddy does this with the boys, Mommy does this with the girls...it has always been a much more collaborative effort. Of course I have generally bought the clothes and mommy stuff like that, but Veldon has given all four of our kids as many baths as I have, we have both put on shoes and kissed booboos. Max is very attached to Veldon, but I think it's because he loves it when Veldon is home and he loves being around a man. He doesn't look to Veldon for anything more than he looks to me. He does like it when Veldon pushes the buggy at the store, but I think that has more to do with the likelihood of playing around and running through the aisles! Hayden does the same thing when he is pushing the buggy.
The difference I see in parenting and gender relationships is how much the child looks to the opposite sex parent for validation. My girls really need for Veldon to tell them how pretty they are, they love to tell him about their days and get his perspective. When Hayden is having a bad day or time in his life he will often open up to me, he looks to me for validation that he's a good kid and a nice boy, that he can do it. I also think I tend to do more for Hayden and protect him from things more than his dad would. On the flip side, I think the girls get more grace for the mood swings and other stuff from their dad then they do from me. I'm excited for Allison to go this ball, Veldon is dreading it, he's not ready and not looking forward to it. When Hayden went out to his first dance with a girl I was so upset, Veldon was fine, not worried a bit. I worried he would be nervous or she would be unkind, that he might feel silly...all sorts of things. Veldon was just fine!
So we are walking, as a family, into another season of our lives. The season where our girls are noticed by boys. Every dad seems to make it through this time, but I know who isn't thrilled to have seen, up close a change in seasons!
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