"Why You Hand White?"

We have a kind of on going issue with our sweet Max...buttoning (really snapping) his pants!  It can turn into a power struggle in a New York minute, and as I have mentioned before we are in uncharted territory with him.  He's five and growing, growing he is so much stronger than he was when he came home, able to do so much more. Obviously stimulation, good food and consistent love are what children need to flourish.  But there are still a few things we are trying to accomplish.  One of our goals is for him to be able to dress himself so for the past few months we have made him button his own pants.  His fingers weren't strong enough when he came home, but he is generally able to do it now.  There are, however, days when he can't, or won't, do it for himself.  He moans and groans, pants, lays on the floor grunts and generally acts as if he is dying because we are insisting on him doing it himself.  We will all, at different times, check how hard the button/snap is and then encourage him to keep working.  Such was the case yesterday before church.  He could would not do it. I checked the snap, it was not too hard, Hayden tried to encourage him, but in the end it was Katie who was able to convince him to do it.  I'm pretty sure my threat to put elastic waist shorts on him had something to do with it, so glad he finally snapped those babies because Mommy didn't realize how chilly it was outside.


As Katie was helping and encouraging Max he stopped and looked at her and said "Katie you hand white, why you hand white?".  She replied that was how God made her. He then said "You hand white, but my hand just....me.".  I'm not sure he was sad or upset, maybe just really noticing, but notice he did.  He sees there's a difference.  I asked him about it later and he wasn't interested in talking about it, which is fine, he'll bring it up again when he feels like it.  But, as we all know, my mind never stops and so I have to wonder if what I read that adopted kids often struggle more with being a different race than anyone else in the family over being adopted, might have some merit?  Well, obviously it has merit, but should we think long and hard about it?


It's interesting timing for me because I'm having a real case of the blues.  I'm worn out, not with kids or life, just circumstances.  I'm tired of old cars and no vacation.  Hayden's 18 and we've been on a real vacation, to a place other than family, once, yup once!  And that vacation was brief a whole two days at Disney World.  It was great fun, but trying to cram so much into 2 days was exhausting and although we loved it it was very short.  We drive old cars, pretty sure I just mentioned that, and I don't generally mind it, but they have repairs and make strange noises and fall apart and there's this part of me that wants a new car.  Not brand new, but maybe a 2007 or '06, I don't know, just newer.  Allison will need a car soon and with the way our school works she'll really need one so I'm thinking a new car for me is out...not that it was on the table or anything, but...


So all these selfish thoughts, cars, vacations, a new fridge, and another brown baby are swirling around in my brain, and I don't know.  Last night in our Bible study I mentioned how selfish I feel for some of these desires, and another adoptive parent quickly agreed with me.  It was a true reality check!  He's right, we can't be selfish, God didn't intend riches for our family, not earthly riches anyway.  I don't really have any skills to market, I don't have the physical stamina to be on the go all the time, and I don't think I would want to work or market myself if I could. I prefer being home with my family to just about anything else.  I work at my kids' school on their school days which is two days a week, help them on our home days, cook as many as three meals a day on occasion (not so often any more) and love being a wife and mom. God has blessed us greatly with our kids, we love each other deeply.  We eat as a family, whoever is here and often times one of ours is gone and some other child is here, we generally laugh at every dinner and then someone cries (it's a must!) and then we laugh again...and it works.  Our kids share with us and talk to us and make fun of us and rely on us.  They seek us out for counsel and tell us what is going on in their lives and their friends' lives, and I'm so glad they do.  It beats a new car or chasing money or long vacations...well, I don't really know about the long vacation part because we've never had one, but I'm guessing!


So this has been a circular post.  I'm back to the beginning of not knowing what I want, or knowing what I want and not knowing if I want to make the sacrifices to have it. I want what God wants, I want what's best for Max, I want...well, I think I want it all!  

Sadly, I fear this might have seemed like a pity party, I don't intend it to come across that why, I'm just struggling with things right now, literally things! I trust God for our provision and I know He cares for us.  I know His Word and what He requires of His children as well as the promises He has made to us, which don't include cars and fridges I know! Our pastor said in church yesterday that "Christ's compassion always manifested itself in action.".  That's so true!  So is buying a new old car acting on compassion for myself?


JUST KIDDING!