Where to go from here...12/24/08

God works in themes in my life, I think I’ve mentioned that before. Maybe that’s true of everyone. We’ve spent the last few days seeking Him on this adoption. We’ve hit a snag that threw us for a loop. We aren’t sure where to go from here. Maybe this adoption isn’t God’s will at all? We don’t know. But as I have struggled these last 7 days with my frustration and hurt I have also pondered how God has always chosen to work in my life. Some themes have become quite apparent. The first theme being that God rarely hands Veldon and me anything on a silver platter. Generally God works things out in our life through a struggle. Sometimes I’ve resented this, but as I look back over 18 years I see another theme. When we were too weak, either emotionally or spiritually, to engage in the struggle He went before us. This was never so clear as when we moved to Louisville KY to attend Southern Seminary. Moving from a church that had been so abusive to our family we were fragile to put it gently. God went before us, gave us a beautiful home to live in, a job for me, great professors for Veldon, one from whom he still seeks advice, and a church that sought to help us heal. It was an amazing journey and we saw God’s hand over and over again. But God has allowed us to struggle much more than he has paved such an easy road for us. This pattern, at times has caused me question, not God (so much) but us, are we so weak that God has to make it all difficult just to toughen us up? But as I look through the Bible, especially the Old Testament, I have to say no. I mean we are weak, but I don’t believe God thinks less of us because he allows us to struggle. Abraham struggled, having no land to call his own, being a nomad, called to sacrifice his covenant son. Moses struggled for 40 years in the desert tending another man’s flocks, and then struggled another 40 leading a rebellious nation. No one would look at their lives and say, “why didn’t God love them more”. The point was…is, there is a point with God. As we waited and prayed for the birth of our babies, the cards were stacked against us, I don’t think we could have felt more joy at each of their births. We were so relieved and so very grateful. More than we could have ever been had we not struggled to get them. I spent hours rocking and holding each of those sweet babies, marveling at what we had come through for each of them. After over 2 years of waiting for Hayden he was a most beloved of sons. Each one is a special blessing. Back to my point, God isn’t going to pave a road, like I would choose, for this adoption. We’ve stepped back for now, not because of lack of faith, we truly believe that God is “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” Eph. 3:20. We are stepping back because more than anything we want to be in the center of God’s will. If, for some reason, he is stopping our adoption we must be obedient. If on the other hand he is allowing us to struggle, if he is not going to lay down each stone to make a beautiful path ahead of us, but rather he is going to work through the struggle, and we’ll have to look back to see the beautiful path...that’s fine too. I know he’s relieved to hear me say I’m okay with the way he chooses to work. I feel honored that God can trust us with the struggle, with the unknown, with blindly trusting him. We can handle it, as long as we know we are following him we won’t be scared away by life’s circumstances, we don’t cower when the next door isn't opened immediately, we never have. So as we walk through this adoption, either with relative ease or with struggles I can say with complete confidence…God is Good.

We found him!...hopefully 12/16/08

Well, we've identified a child. We've only had his picture for a little over a week but we are smitten. He is a cutie. Nothing in adoption is final until he's here in our safe home, but we are hopeful that the rest of the process will go smoothly. I'm so amazed that we are doing this. I'm overwhelmed and grateful that God has placed this call on our lives. Our kids are so excited, this will be a long process for them, they carry his picture and have shown it all over our school. The news has spread like fire and I've answered a thousand questions about what we are doing...mostly why. What we are doing I can answer, why is another story. I have no answer except there's nothing else my heart can do. I have three beautiful, amazing children. We laugh a lot, we talk a lot. I'm not missing anything, but there are children out there missing everything. They are waiting hopefully everyday for their mom to walk in the door and save them. I'm compelled to do that. Here's the really great thing. I don't think they will ever feel as blessed as I will. Already my heart is overflowing with love for this baby. If we can alleviate the despair in one sweet life, we must do so. There's nothing in my future that looks better than raising another child for my Savior. No vacation or home, no income, no car or possession that could possibly compare to one life, nothing. So as we pour over paperwork and procedure I feel so grateful that God has called us to do this for Him. We will never change the world, or write a book that tells everyone the secrets to a meaningful life, there's no worldly greatness around the corner for us, just a beautiful, sweet, little orphan who needs someone to rock him to sleep when he's grumpy, or kiss his boo boo when he falls, or make sure his little hand gets pressed into that gooey stuff for an imprint. We can do that, we can be those people.

So try as I might to worry about his name or our finances. How we are going to actually pay for this adoption. I can't. I have such peace. We have prayed and prayed, we have sought the Lord on this, we have no desire to do anything outside of His will and so far he leads us forward. If this great God of ours can provide a way for us to have a relationship with Him, despite our sin, how in the world could I doubt that He could provide something as small as airfare to get us halfway around the world to collect our little blessing?

What's in a Name? 12/12/08

Well, we are just about done with the home study for our adoption. Now is when the fun really begins. It seems like we are just going to repeat much of what we did for our home study for our dossier. It's classic government organization! But, as we finish one task and move to the next this adoption is becoming more of a reality in my life. I told a friend last night about our plans, she was so excited and not a bit surprised. It was a bit frustrating to be honest, not in a bad way but that I'm that predictable. She said you've always talked about you were supposed to have 4 kids so of course you're adopting. It's true, that's always been in my heart, #4 is missing. Well, as this becomes real so do two very real issues that go along with this blessed event. The naming of the child and the funding of all things adoption. As far as the name goes we've been pretty set on Nathan or Nathaniel, but for the past few days I haven't really felt settled. All three of our other kids are named after people that we have loved. Hayden was named after the most precious little boy in the world. We were his Sunday School teachers in the middle of all the miscarriages. He was such a little man, he would walk into class with his London Fog jacket and matching cap. He always wanted Veldon to hold him and play with him. He nor his family know the impact that sweet boy had on us. He was a sweet salve for two broken hearts. Allison was named after the funniest woman I have ever known and a great friend Deborah Allison Burns. She could make me laugh until my sides ached. She was one of the few girls in college that could laugh until she wet herself...on a regular basis. She is still funny and still makes me laugh. Allison was the most beautiful name I could think of and was the perfect name for our beautiful Allison. Katie was named Katherine after my grandmother...kind of. I love the name Katherine with a "C" as my grandmother spelled it, but Veldon insisted that if she was to be called Katie, we would spell Katherine with a "K". Katherine is such a regal, elegant name which describes my lovely Katie perfectly. She is delicate and graceful. So now we come to #4, we have no Nathan...none that I care to name my son after. But we do have a Max! What a cute name that would be. I keep seeing it everywhere too. Max, it's strong but cute. I don't know. Veldon is very little help, every time I change my mind he goes...okay it's Max or whatever name I am playing with. Of course there's time, we're not getting this cutie any time soon but I would just like to have the name thing settled.

Our next issue...money. Oh my goodness this is huge. We aren't really the "need to have it all figured out" types. But when you're talking about thousands and thousands of dollars it would be nice to have a direction. We don't. I know God called us to do this so I know He'll work it all out but it is overwhelming. So I'm not worried...yet, but I do keep wondering in the back of my mind if adoptions fall through because the parents can't afford to travel to get their child? Oh how I hope not! How sad that would be for us all.

Faithfully, trusting Him...

Home Study..12/08

Well, we made it safely through the first of three home studies for our adoption. I was so nervous, especially at night, things are always worse for me at night. I just kept worrying about different things, but in the end it was all pretty uneventful. There are still two more visits and a lot of work to do but we're on our way. It's amazing to me that we have come this far. For several years this has been on my heart off and on, but it was not anything I ever thought we could do. Mostly because of finances. Raising three kids is expensive enough and adding another to the mix seemed impossible, but it's not...we can do this. I feel kind of old too. I'll be homeschooling well into my fifties, but what else would I be doing? I'm going to get older one way or another I might as well use my energy to raise another sweet baby. We are so early in this process that actually having the child doesn't seem real. It's not all consuming for me though. It's something I really want to do and, Lord willing, I figure it will work out

Whatever is Good...11/20/08

Well, as we are moving forward with our big decision it is daunting how much has to be done and even how many decisions we face every day. As Veldon and I were reading together this evening, Oswald Chambers, he (O.C) said that we don't need to pray to God for guidance about everything, that we are His children and would naturally follow Him. He went on to say that as His children our spirit will be uneasy when we step out of His will and then we'll know. That's a paraphrase to be sure, but I wasn't sure how I felt about what he was saying and then Veldon said the same thing "do you think that's right?". I believe we are to pray and seek Him in all that we do. Maybe obedience is a natural thing, as His children, I don't know, but the verse he chose Romans 12:2 struck me..."And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good, and acceptable, and perfect." That's it! What we are doing is good, not because we are good, but because He is good and He has called us to do it. Not that we couldn't screw it up, we've proven over and over that we have a remarkable ability to screw things up, but this is a good thing. God will have to work out so much for us to accomplish this to which He has called us, but there's no worries about that...He owns the "cattle on a thousand hills"...He owns the hills too. Of course He can work out the finances and whatever else needs to be worked out. I think I understand though what Mr. Chambers was saying. So many Christians are paralyzed with indecision, they pray and pray and pray and never step out and do. Chambers says that we even hinder the progress of God's will when we continually run to Him and ask if we should be doing this or that. If it's good the answer is yes...if it's questionable you should think twice about it. Spurgeon says we should always ask ourselves "would this please my Master?". I think they are saying the same thing. Do what you know to be right and stop using prayer as a way of not doing what is right, or at least putting it off. Have some faith and do what is right.

Isn't it great that God uses so many people and circumstances to speak to us. How in the world could something two dead men, for decades now, have to say confirm something in my life in 2008? Only God could know that a couple in 2008 would need to know this, and many more I'm sure, and therefore He chose to use these men. What a great God we serve. How thrilled I'll be at that other end of this process because there will be much to share, and many miracles to relay. I'm already quite convinced of that!


Smiles,

Twists and Turns...11/08/08

Life takes amazing turns, and the road winds in unexpected places. I've always seen my life as a trip, that's not profound. Like those road trips that you took with your parents when you were young. You didn't really know where you were, or what was coming next, but you knew the destination. Asking your parents over, and over "how much longer?", and "what's next?". I was always curious with what was coming up next, the next town or even the next mile marker. It just makes you feel like you're making progress. Eventually, you will get where you are going. I've been one to always look at what's next, what's coming up, rarely do I glance back to see where I have been. This week I have though. I've looked back at life, and reflected on what's transpired. It's been an interesting review. Much of that which caused pain, and I avoid at all costs, years ago now seems benign. The wounds have healed, and even the scars, when you dare to look, are less noticeable. Our life has been both great, and horrifying. What a strange thing to say, but it's true. The loss of babies, so many babies, was horrifying. But it taught me much about me and much about my God. The birth of three children was great, greater joy than I can express, although I did find all the bodily functions a bit horrifying. Some churches in which Veldon has served have been great, others (one) horrifying. But, again we learned from both the good, and the bad, and if life requires bad to get you where you're going, that's good.

All that to say, we are heading down a new road. I know I'll constantly be looking for the next mile marker to assure me we are making progress, just like when I was a child. This new road, I'm sure, will have curves, and bumps, and may cause pain, but I believe it will bring joy. If not, we'll learn from the pain. The best part of this is that for the first part of the journey I get to travel down it with a great friend (whom I don't blog about much ;) They are ahead in their trip, but I know they will be a wealth of knowledge, and support. This is a strange sort of change in our live's, and we are all thrilled, and looking to see where God leads. I am both excited, and anxious; overjoyed, and horrified!

Still There.....9/20/08

I sometimes wonder what's wrong with my senses. Not much of our life has been conventional. Even the way we are educating our children is a little different. We homeschool but not in the traditional homeschool way. Our kids attend a kind of part private, part homeschool school. So those in the homeschool world don't consider us homeschoolers and those in the traditional government school world consider us...strange. It's the way we roll, always a little different. Financially we are mostly alright although there are stressful moments and this summer has been especially difficult, but we seem to make it with God's help, and look back and wonder how it all came together. So with the strain of limited financial resources and the stress of homeschooling...my heart still longs for another. How could we ever support another child? We can barely afford the three we have, especially with the way Hayden packs away food. But I think about it all the time, what would it be like to have a fourth child? What would he look like? (The fourth is a boy in my mind's eye, we have plenty of girl around here.) How would our lives change? I dream about him at night and see him in an orphanage alone with no one loving him. I'm by no means a great mom, I get impatient with my kids every single day, I have a pretty much chronic headache which can wear me out. I often wonder why the heck I'm homeschooling wouldn't it be so much easier to follow the more conventional route? Of course if we did I would miss the laughter, and time around the table, I would desperately miss those special moments of listening to my kids talk about the most random topics. But back to adoption...there are plenty of weeks that I wonder how we are going to make it until payday, and yet the desire for another is still there. So would a life with us be better than a life alone in an orphanage, with no hope of a future when he gets too old to stay at the orphanage? Even with our randomness I have to think YES!

I have no idea how this will end, possibly it's already over, honestly who would ever give us another child? But then again maybe our unconventional roads have tailored made us to add to our family in an unconventional way. My heart wonders if there is more, is this a call from God or just a fleshly desire?

I guess I'll just keep praying and seeking God in this. I ponder this verse all the time..

"pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27