To Be or Not To Be....

I'm a question asker, anyone who knows me knows it is true...my sweet husband, way back when he was just the boy of my dreams, actually asked me if I ask so many questions just to annoy him. He now says he asked that in jest...that is not the case but I forgive him anyway! As a punishment for his not so nice comment/question God has blessed us with a 13 year old who puts my own question asking to shame! Katie is an expert question asker and now it seems Max is following in his big sister's foot steps, we'll have to see about the latter.

That being said, I'm a question asker, it stands to reason that my mind is always moving...it's nothing special lots of people ask questions and think thoughts! On the other hand I know people who don't think a lot of thoughts and don't ask questions, so obviously there are all types in the world. Veldon and I are also both pretty verbal, my mom always laughs that it's no wonder our kids talked young Veldon and I never stop talking. Katie was seriously speaking in sentences on her first birthday! They all three score very high on the verbal sections of all standardized tests and they are all full of words just like their parents. At 4 Allison would complain that Katie, then 1, was talking on her sentence. We all like to get our words out!

Part of the thoughts I think is why I think the thoughts I think and why I say the things I say. In seminary I heard this described, I was actually stunned that other people do it, but they do and it's a part of meta communication or meta consciousness. It seems everyone does it on some level, I am fascinated with the deeper level of thinking and communicating. So all that to say I also wonder what God is doing and why, how, whatever and how it relates to me and what I am doing. "What if I had done this would God have done that?" "What if I had prayed one more time would God have changed my mind, whispered some new truth to me, spoken His secret will to me...finally?" what would have happened then? This is sometimes a struggle for my heart and my brain, because my brain is logical to the truth, but my heart really likes the mystical! I firmly believe with everything in me (my brain that is!) that God works through His revealed Word, which is His revealed will. We can know what God wants by reading His Word. We can have a clue on how He is working by understanding His Word, He is always working for His own glory...according to His Word! For example He wants us (His children) to marry believers, it is a sin to marry a non-believer. He wants us to be faithful to the body of believers and for wives to submit to their husbands. He wants us to do everything as if we are doing it specifically for Him, this brings Him glory. These are all a part of His revealed will.

There are also things that I believe we tend to turn into the "mystical". We can have this idea that if we make a mistake and "step out of God's will" then all the sudden we are in God's "second, or third or worst" will for our lives. If things don't go the way I hoped or prayed for, or things get difficult we question if we "missed His will". I struggle with that! Does the sovereign expect the mortal, with limited sight and understanding to find His complex, hidden will and if we don't are we zapped with "second best"? I used to think so. I used to think if something went wrong it was my fault, I didn't pray enough and therefore I didn't catch that mystical vibe and I went the wrong way. I don't believe that anymore. Prayer is the right thing to do of course, but I rarely find that prayer makes life perfect, simple or easy. What prayer does is change the person praying. It changes me, my desires, my perspective and it helps me to submit. For years Veldon said he would pray about adopting, he didn't pray about it, he readily admits to that now, he didn't want to pray because he didn't want to have his desire, not to adopt, changed to God's will that we are to relieve the suffering of the orphan. If we are praying for months over a decision, it is my belief that we are rarely praying for clarity, although that might be what I say I am praying for, when I am truly honest with myself and with God I see that I am praying for my desires to come into alignment with His own, or even hoping that He will change. This may or may not be true with other people, Veldon and I are not people who really struggle with indecision so we probably see the world differently than those who do struggle. Although Veldon will say he did struggle with indecision in the past, he doesn't too much anymore. We aren't hand wringers, we don't wrestle day in and day out with a decision...in general...we do, however, struggle with obedience. It would be easy for me turn my slowness to obey into something spiritual, but often times it's not. For example home schooling. I knew for several years before we took our kids out of government schools that God was leading us to that. The influence of the world was becoming to great on our kids, we were losing them. I prayed and prayed about it, trying to find God's elusive will for our kids education, when all the while His Word is clear that we are to be teaching them about Him, we are to be training them. I just didn't want to do it. Once we were obedient things fell into place. It was a spiritual decision to be sure, but there was nothing mystical about it and "praying" was just disobedience, because I still wasn't doing what I knew we were to do! Not that praying was wrong, but dragging my feet to obey was wrong. God had revealed His will, it is all over His Word. I just didn't want to do it.

Adoption of course is a hard thing! In discussing it with a friend the other day I said I truly believe that it is never wrong for a believer to move forward to adopt. James 1:27 is my proof text for that. Does that mean it's God will for every believer to adopt, I don't think so. I also don't believe that every believer has to start an adoption to be obedient to the Word, but we are, all of us, to be involved in relieving the suffering of the orphan. This is more than a pat on the arm or a quick hug, this is intervention. Perhaps God has called a family to give to an orphanage or support a child monthly, those are all ways to relieve suffering. I would never look down on individuals for not adopting, I do however struggle with the body that doesn't seem to have desire to obey God in this area. As followers of Jesus, I truly believe that stepping on the road to adoption is not wrong, maybe it won't happen, maybe God won't bring an orphan home to your family, but He will honor your obedience. When we started our process for Max I wasn't sure how it would end, and honestly for a very long time I wondered, but my heart's desire was that if God didn't allow us to bring an orphan home that He would put a love for the orphan in the hearts of our children! God did both, He brought Max home and He gave all three of our biological children a heart for the orphan.

If we were to start the process of adoption again, for another orphan, I don't know that God would give us another child, but I do know that He would honor our hearts. He would honor our obedience and He would use it to bring glory to Himself. I certainly would not believe we walked down the wrong road, didn't pray enough, or missed His mystical will. I would have to believe that for this time His specific will for us is not to adopt again, or that there was something to learned in the process. His revealed will remains the same, that we be involved in relieving the suffering of orphans. Of course, if we started again and God frustrated the process I would be heartbroken! If we started an adoption again we would certainly pray, but I have to admit that prayer isn't a magic bullet that, just because I pray and pray about something, I am not promised an easy road or the outcome I hoped for.

So why am I thinking about prayer and adoption and orphans? I don't know! Why am I asking about God's will? I guess it's because my mind is always moving and thinking. Do we raise Max alone? Katie will be gone in 5 years! Do we adopt again? Do we pack our bags and move to some remote part of the world? (I don't think so!) But these are thoughts I have and I have to wonder why I am thinking them and where God will lead them!

Blowing By...

This week our sweet, beautiful Allison was asked to our school's JROTC Military Ball, not by one but by two young men! She was thrilled to say the least! The first boy, with whom she is going, came to the school at lunch time especially to ask her, he attends the alternate days that our kids attend. She and all her friends were jumping and squealing and hugging and laughing. Just the sort of reaction I would expect from one of my very expressive children! She ran over to me and was talking so fast I had to have her repeat herself, she could hardly talk her smile was so big. It was a sweet moment for me as a momma to see my little girl so happy, it was a difficult moment to know she is growing up! She is 15 for goodness sake, it seems like she was just born, just latching on to my shoulder and throwing her head back to look all around as if she was some how missing something. She was never interested in being cradled in my arms as her brother was. Since the day she was born she has wanted to be a part of the world, not just around it, not standing on the side, but interacting with it. Now she is jumping in with both feet, the times are changing, our children are growing up, and now the girls are starting their season of going with boys to dances! This won't be a date, we'll drive her to the dance and we are allowing her date to drive her home with very specific time lines and driving routes.

It was hard for me as a momma too, to call my husband...her daddy and tell him that his daughter has been asked to a very special ball. He was home sick that day and was a little sicker after the conversation. Of course he is happy for her, but he is her daddy. The young man had to call, after asking Allison, and talk to Veldon and ask his permission. Allison was so nervous she gave the boy her cellphone number, which turned out to be rather confusing but in the end he called and asked permission. Veldon's voice was about gone and very raspy, I wonder if he scared the fire out of the boy! Hayden has now completely stepped into the role of big brother and told us he was going to talk to the boy too...I'm pretty sure Allison hopes he doesn't! We are now all focused on looking for that perfect, modest dress!

Watching my girls and their dad is such a sweet thing! I adore my mom and have always been close to her, but there are many times I have wished to really have a father, there's no other relationship in the world like it, as I suspect there is none like the mother-son relationship. Our family has never really been divided into gender, Daddy does this with the boys, Mommy does this with the girls...it has always been a much more collaborative effort. Of course I have generally bought the clothes and mommy stuff like that, but Veldon has given all four of our kids as many baths as I have, we have both put on shoes and kissed booboos. Max is very attached to Veldon, but I think it's because he loves it when Veldon is home and he loves being around a man. He doesn't look to Veldon for anything more than he looks to me. He does like it when Veldon pushes the buggy at the store, but I think that has more to do with the likelihood of playing around and running through the aisles! Hayden does the same thing when he is pushing the buggy.

The difference I see in parenting and gender relationships is how much the child looks to the opposite sex parent for validation. My girls really need for Veldon to tell them how pretty they are, they love to tell him about their days and get his perspective. When Hayden is having a bad day or time in his life he will often open up to me, he looks to me for validation that he's a good kid and a nice boy, that he can do it. I also think I tend to do more for Hayden and protect him from things more than his dad would. On the flip side, I think the girls get more grace for the mood swings and other stuff from their dad then they do from me. I'm excited for Allison to go this ball, Veldon is dreading it, he's not ready and not looking forward to it. When Hayden went out to his first dance with a girl I was so upset, Veldon was fine, not worried a bit. I worried he would be nervous or she would be unkind, that he might feel silly...all sorts of things. Veldon was just fine!

So we are walking, as a family, into another season of our lives. The season where our girls are noticed by boys. Every dad seems to make it through this time, but I know who isn't thrilled to have seen, up close a change in seasons!

Grief

Last week our church family buried an infant. It was one of the saddest days I can remember in a long time. Abram was born too early and although he and his parents and his doctors all fought for his life, and our church family prayed and prayed the Lord took him home after 18 days of struggle. His sweet mommy is one of the dearest young ladies in my life, she is passionate about Christ and about sharing the Gospel with the nations. She and her husband are called to missions and I have no doubt they will be on the field sooner than later. She has grown up at our church and I have had the privilege of watching her mature and even come to Christ over the last, almost 7 years. I adore her and if I could have walked through the grief for her I would have. I remember so well the ordeal that started for us 20 years ago, loss after loss, and although I didn't get to hold those babies in my arms I also didn't have to watch them suffer, for which I am grateful, but they were losses nonetheless and I hurt anew for this young couple.

As we sat in the church honoring the sweet, brief life, I was overwhelmed, holding my son in my arms, at the number of people there to say good-bye to Abram, to support his parents and grandparents and to let them all know that we are here for them and that we love them. It struck me how many babies die alone, in dark rooms in orphanages, in hospitals abandoned by parents, on the streets. Alone. All alone. No grieving parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles. No church family gathering around mourning the loss of life, potential, love. At least 143,000,000 children are all alone. I can't reconcile that in my mind, I doubt anyone can. I can't understand why babies die, at birth, before birth shortly after birth, I can't understand why children are alone, all alone in the world. I can't understand a church mentality that reads epistles like James and says "yes, yes, something should be done" and yet does NOTHING! I don't understand how parents, mommies, can abandon children, but I've never been there. Cold, alone, hungry, an evil government threatening my entire existence. Even more than all of that I can't understand an indifferent, apathetic church! I can't understand how we will take the blessings of Christ's sacrifice and yet not make any ourselves and I'm sorry but giving up cable for a year isn't a sacrifice, nor is buying one less coffee a month. Christ's sacrifice was total and complete and yet we turn our back on anything that requires the same of us, or even half or even 1/4, good gracious it's crazy!! Where is the church? Oh never mind I think I know, they are at home watching the S*up*r B*wl or arguing with the sound guy about the volume of the music or buying more stuff, we, the church, are asleep to the needs of the world around us, not just orphans, but the lost and dying world because we have turned the American dream of comfort and prosperity into Christian doctrine. We believe that our abundance in some way proves God's pleasure with us, that He doesn't want us to suffer or sacrifice, and in the process we've disregarded Christ's sacrifice and His call for our own sacrifice as outdated and irrelevant.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I'm worn out. My body is tired. But as I sat in the funeral I wondered if I'm really too tired to bring one more child home? What does it matter if I'm tired for now? One day I will have all of eternity to rest, but while I'm here there's work to be done for those who cannot work for themselves, for those who have no voice, for those who have no church filled service full of family and friends mourning their passing. I don't know if we'll adopt again, but to shut the door would be the wrong decision right now. When I think about the sacrifices of my God and His Son to adopt me any sacrifice I might make seems small and weak and inadequate!