Long Days~

This has been a hard week, maybe it's been a hard couple of weeks I can't really say for sure, but what I can say is that I'm exhausted! We worked on our taxes...which is stressful for sure, went to the SS office to get Max's card/number and was stunned at the fact that the government truly has no idea what they are doing. If you've ever wondered if the government is as incompetent as they seem...wonder no more! It's not even so much that the one hand doesn't know what the other is doing, the one hand doesn't even seem to be aware that there is another hand! Although Max was, yes WAS, here on a IH-4 permanent resident visa (which means once the adoption is final he becomes a citizen) the workers refused to list him as a citizen, because of course you are dealing with the SS Administration, each government agency believes they trump all others. They typed in all of his green card and visa info and REFUSED to list him as a citizen, you would think that the type of visa would have a flag on it or the computer system would catch it NO WAY! I argued that he is our son now and gets our citizenship, "oh no you have to apply to be a citizen and get a Certificate of Naturalization" NO he doesn't, he is automatically a citizen and when we have $550 he will get a Certificate of Citizenship. They looked at me as if I had two heads and said they didn't know what a CoC even is "it's a Certificate of Naturalization". We left with him registered as a resident. I scoured government website after website and each one said something different. Then Kam pointed me to the Hague website and they said he is a citizen and has been since the adoption is final...too bad the SSA doesn't even know Hague exists!

Max has also been going through something and for several days, maybe longer and the only word that comes to mind for him is surly! He gripes, complains, argues, pouts, etc, etc, several people have mentioned he sounds like a normal 4 1/2 year old, the thing is he ISN'T a normal 4 1/2 year old, he's a child who's been home for almost 8 months who was abandoned and institutionalized, he had issues, he is having issues and he will have issues, we will work through them with him, but I am honestly worn out with being told he's normal. He's not normal, he's not a normal middle class, American kid who's been given everything he ever wanted and needed. I'm not sure if the stress he is going through right now is from insecurity or fear or sadness or anger, but he's been walking through something and as his parents it's our job to walk him through, and, if we can, I believe try to figure out what might be going on to help him deal with it better. He is clearly frustrated with communication right now, he understands the surface of what is going on but not the deep meaning of anything. He also ALWAYS believes what ever we are talking about or planning has to do with him specifically. He's always alert to what's being said so he can try to figure out what's coming next, even though it often doesn't have anything to do with him. I would think it is exhausting always being on guard that way, always wondering if his family is planning something bad for him or something without him. He also doesn't have the developmental maturity to understand when we tell him it has nothing to do with him, he just can't get it. In his mind everything has to do with him and is about him. Which for us is a bit exhausting!

Last week I volunteered to share some verses with my prayer group. I thought about it all week and came up with NOTHING, ZILCH, not a thing! So when we got there I admitted I had nothing. Another lady quickly stepped forward, pulled out some notes, and said "oh I have something". I should have been grateful, and I was, but I felt embarrassed too! My brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, I'm having some pretty good physical pain right now which is draining, my emotions are fried, I don't have the fortitude at this point to outline chapters of the Word, I apparently don't even have enough to come up with a few verses to share! I don't have the energy to get out of bed early and "be on my face before Jesus", I barely have the energy to get out of bed when I hear that sweet boy close/slam his bedroom door and pad to our room. My sweet friend Karen said she thought God would be pleased enough with my bent knees in the evening and would even understand that there are days it doesn't get done, although of course we need to be in God's Word and praying, we are also human and he gets it. I so needed to hear that right then, I needed to hear that I'm not a failure for not spending hours a day reading my Bible, outlining passages and praying. Some days it a quick few verses, a Morning and Evening devotion or something similar and quick prayer for strength as I run in to our out of my day. In no way shape or form am I complaining about this season God has granted us, I love that brown boy more than words can express, but in honesty I am worn thin. We're home schooling 3 kids, I work and teach at their school, I am trying to graduate a 17 yr old, whom I believe is sometimes working against me on it, help him keep track of trips, work and the future, the two girls are going and gone as much as they are home and since I am the main taxi driver Max and I are coming and going too, Max is a bundle of energy and layers of stuff. There's nothing one dimensional about my life right now and sometimes it feels that if one string snaps the whole universe will spin out of control...of course it won't, but it feels that way!

I really am not complaining, life is complicated and when I compare myself to others who have fewer children and have made different choices, even those in a different season, I am undone, overwhelmed and inadequate. But we have made these choices and we are in this season right now, so this is our life! I am always thankful for friends who make me laugh at life like Kelly and Kam and I am so grateful to Karen and Jill who make me laugh at myself. Who all encourage me not to take life so seriously! I can't be a well rested Momma of 2 right now and there's no way in the world I would choose to be! I was asked this week if I would do this again? If the question was about getting Max the answer is a resounding YES, if the question was about adopting another I don't know but I think so...we'll have to see where the next year leads and what my wonderful husband has to say about it!