I Hate Naming Posts!

As I write this blog, the first of 2012 I feel a little bit of guilt for not having blogged about our first Christmas with Max or even posted pictures. I suppose I will get to that eventually maybe I don't really have the words yet, I don't know but so far I've not blogged about it! I was thrilled to have him home but cognizant of the fact that his Christmas was much more altered than our Christmas. For me Christmas is a day, usually a good day, with good food and presents, but it is just a day that will come and go. I wasn't holding my breath in anticipation of Max's first Christmas home with us I was looking forward to him getting his gifts, but it's just another day. I guess I am not one to put a lot into firsts, traditions, huge build ups, etc. Although meeting him for the first time and the meeting with the judge when we finalized were profound moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life other firsts are not so significant from my point of view. I wasn't nearly as blown away by each of my kids' first birthdays I was when they reached nine months and I realized they had now lived outside my womb longer than in my womb. The everyday living of life blows away those few moments that we seem to build our lives around. Watching Max become a part of our family, learning to love his preschool and his teachers, those things rock my world, those are the things I love and look forward to. Although we have never been big event people, cherishing the everyday has been a process. My kids on the other hand love events, but not for the actual event, the can't wait for the pictures they will have, they rush to get home and see all the pictures their friends have posted on the internet of whatever they have just come from and heaven forbid a friend be slow in uploading...YIKES!!! Although I love pictures and I love photography I'm not one to "create a moment" in a picture and miss the real thing. But as I said I think coming to enjoy the everyday and not living for the next "thing" or event or whatever is coming has been a process.

Several years ago a pastor's wife asked me if being a stay at home mom was the greatest joy of my life. Had I been thinking I certainly would have answered the question differently, but my first and honest response was "NO!". That answer defined our relationship from there on out...I knew it would as soon as the word slipped jumped full force out of my mouth. The look on her face was unmistakable. I was not who she expected me to be! Oh well...bygones! But my response was true for me, maybe not for many or most I really have no idea, but for me being home alone all day with my kids was basically being alone all day. I'm a people person, I enjoy talking to people, listening to people, asking questions and just being around others, so being at home alone all day was difficult. I didn't resent it or hate it, it just wasn't my greatest joy. Being with Veldon has always brought me and still brings me joy, but staying home with small children wasn't always joy. It was the right thing for me to do, I believe, always have always will, that mom's are the best people to raise their children not day cares and not nannies. Not that either of those were options for us, but I believe the adage that "no one loves you like your mother" is very true. Even if Mom is tired and on some days a little grumpy she still loves her children more than another trying to care for them while Mom does other things.

So now that I am in the thick of raising a small child again along with a household of teenagers (Okay Katie won't be 13 for another 23 days!) I often reflect on my first go around with preschoolers. When the older kids were small we moved several times and were in Seminary. Following Seminary for several years we were in a small town in a small church. Although I loved the town and church it was isolating. No matter how one tries to fit into a small town/church sometimes it's hard. There weren't a lot of other women my age staying at home with their kids, the few who did I found I had little in common with. Not that I didn't try, but it was difficult. They all had family and long term friends close by, I often felt like a 5th wheel. The lonely days of raising my small children were not void of lessons though, those days taught me to love my home and truly made it the center of my life. As I learned to be content with being alone I learned to be content with being at home. In the early years of staying home I would go a lot, I think trying to escape the house, and the loneliness, to get away from things...life perhaps. As I got older and settled into life I found that I was truly most content at home. As much as I love visiting family and being at my mom's house, even running to the mall every now and then, my center became and still is my home. Going all the time doesn't hold the draw for me that it once did. Getting out of the house is not something I have a huge need for anymore, although at times it is quite necessary because we have needs! I still enjoy shopping, but not for the same reasons I once did.

Today I would have to say that being home with my children has become a great joy, a learned joy. I also enjoy them more since they are older. My mother always said "just when the girls got interesting they left" I see her point! I love small children and kids songs and shows and a house that has the feel that children live there, I always will. But conversing with my kids is so much more enjoyable now. Being around them keeps me laughing and guessing. I never really know what they will come up with next. I love to hear about their plans for the future, some of which include tattoos and piercings I would rather not think about, but trust they will do what they think is best with their bodies (the temples of the Holy Spirit...in case one of them might be reading this!). Their plans also include following God where He would lead them, as much as I fear that might be out of my life I fear more for them not to follow Him! They have grown into interesting, fun young people who require so much less physical energy and so much more emotional!

I surely didn't make the most out of every moment of raising the first round of kids nor will I the second time around...sadly. I struggled at times. I hurt at times. I blew it huge at times. As I look back though I am grateful that I managed to live most of life without pining away for the next big thing. I look back on the years when the first three were young as relatively peaceful and happy. For a momma who was tired most of the time and far away from friends and family I think that's pretty good. The seasons of our lives come and go and if we are looking to the next holiday or big event, in my opinion, much of the actual living would be missed.

Hopefully as we raise child #4 he will benefit from having a mom who is well settled into life. Who isn't waiting for whatever is next. I, for this moment at least, am content in the here and now. A house full of noise, my children, other people's children, dogs, guests, ipods and cell phones. I wouldn't miss this mundane for anything.