Streams of Thoughts

Tomorrow we start another school year. The kids don't technically start until next Monday, but meetings start tomorrow and since my kids are getting older there actually are meetings for them to attend this week, aside from open house on Friday, which they think is super lame because, given the size of our school and the number of years we've been there, how hard can it be to find their classes? I see their point but it's part of week so we will go.

This will also be another big change for Max. He will be in the preschool while I work at the school. I've known this would be hard for him, I didn't realize how hard on me it would be. I've only had him for just over 2 months. I'm not ready to share him, I'm not ready to be apart from him, I'm not ready to trust him with anyone else. I waited a really long time to hold him and be his momma and handing him to another female, even for a short time, is hard. I actually feel jealous of the time they will have with him. Maybe that's crazy, I don't know. My other kids were always with me. We couldn't afford preschool and the one time we tried Mother's Day Out we all hated it! The kids called it the yucky church and I didn't know what to do with myself while they were gone. I think I'm just made to be a mommy, it's what I love most, besides being Veldon's wife which I adore. No one could ask for a greater husband than Veldon, he is kind and patient and protective and helpful and...well, this really isn't a blog about my wonderful husband or how much I love him, but since you asked! Back to my point, Max will be separated from me for the first time since we got him. I know that most people say it will be good for him, that he needs other people, if that is your thought please don't say it to me! It's not what I care to hear right now. And frankly I don't agree, I think kids are always better of with their parents, of course, that is if the parents are fairly normal, I think we fall in the fairly normal category. I also think they survive what is necessary and it is necessary for me to work at the school and for him to attend our preschool, so he will be fine. Another issue is going on here as well, I hate it when school starts back! I love, love, love having my kids at home. The schedule is good and learning is good, and I know technically they are home schooled so they are at home a lot, but it isn't the same. The time is different, I wouldn't give up the time I have with them or change it but I love lounging around with them in the summer. I love sleeping late and letting them sleep late. I love drinking iced coffee with my girls, well actually just the one, in the morning okay to be really honest sometimes I don't like sharing my iced coffee with the kids, but the idea of sharing it is always appealing! It's just such a pain to make and they are flying through my fat free half and half...again I'm off the track!

Tomorrow is our first post placement home study. I really adore our sweet social worker, but I'm still a little nervous. I'll be gone all day so the house is up to my wonderful husband and the 3 older kids. They can do it, I know they can, but then they ask questions like "how clean the house has to be 'Grandma Laura clean or just clean clean' ". I guess I must really get crazy about cleaning when my parents come because when I tell them just clean they all sigh in relief...weird...I don't really get it at all because I think I always want it really clean, I am surely missing something.

Our sweet Max is changing everyday. He is loving and sweet and then defiant and difficult, but he is still amazing and wonderful. His heart breaks after getting in "trouble". I think sometimes he just asserts himself because he's trying to figure out who the heck he is, I can respect that. Every day is different for him and he has to find himself in the midst of all that has changed. Of course, in my adult mind, I'm thinking there are better ways to find yourself than doing the opposite of what your parents ask you to do and saying "no" to everything, but that's just me!