Just Sweet Pictures

Shriners ~ Stunned!

Guess who went to Greenville, SC and remembered to take her camera...and...(here's the really important part)...use it!!!!!

That's right me! I had the camera in tow and pulled it out!

Here are Veldon and Max standing in front of the really big Shriner!

Oh and we got a Frappuccino from our favorite coffee shop...Max was sure it was his! He kept giving me dirty looks when I would take it and drink it.

Max and Veldon met a bronze statue...and we walked around Falls Park in downtown Greenville. A nice lady gave Max a piece of bread to feed the ducks, he was thrilled.












This is on the road outside the park, in case you can't tell it is a super huge root to a very large tree...Max loved it!

I love this face

yes, that's the kind of mother I am, I told Veldon to stay there so I could get some close-ups of his terrified face! He just looks miserable doesn't he! We were only there for a few seconds so I'm sure no permanent damage was done.




Walking into the park on Daddy's shoulders. He's not afraid of that any more.

So now that you have seen our day I'll share the really interesting parts. We spent 5 hours at Shriners, most of it waiting in a small room, to be told that they didn't see any need for further surgeries...at this point!

What?

No surgeries on his arm and hand or his other arm?

We were dumb struck...literally we probably looked like the stupidest people ever because Veldon and I just sat there and said nothing. Except I might have said something like are you sure, no surgeries? They were sure.

They made a splint for him to sleep in to keep the left hand from curving back toward the arm and they'll see us again in 6 months.

When we got to Chick-Fil-A for dinner I had tons of questions, but no doctor to answer them. Why did the orphanage say they were planning another surgery?

What surgery would the orphanage have done?

Can't his arm be lengthened any? (I don't think I'll ever ask that one, it sounds really dumb now that I think about it!)

We've been planning on lots and lots of surgeries for the past 2 1/2 years, can you tell us what to do now? (Okay wouldn't ask that either!)

Obviously, we are thrilled for Max. We are thrilled not to have to watch him go through pain, but we are still stunned. There are some urological and growth issues that need to be addressed and are being addressed right now, so we'll focus on those and maybe God will spare him from surgery there too!

Thanks for praying with us and for us, our prayers have been answered in a most unexpected way!

School, School, School

Yesterday we all started back to, or just to as the case may be, school. Hayden's a senior - oh my goodness am I that old?- Allison is a sophomore - I might be that old!- Katie is in 7th grade -that sounds about right - and Max started preschool - I'm not that young! I think it was a good day for all - by the way I teach 8th grade American History and am the 5th grade assistant...someone has to pay the tuition for these little darlings! I was not very stressed about Max starting his preschool and being away from me all day, so since I was sooo calm, and although I had my camera with me and took pictures of my 5th grader's first day, I totally forgot to take a picture of Max's, that sounds about right for me! Max went into the room just fine, tentatively hugged me and then walked over to start playing. The hug was strange but looking back I think maybe he wasn't sure if he wanted to hug me and then me leave. He did really great in the morning but when nap time came he got a little anxious and they brought him to me for a hug and kiss. I told him to lay down and suck his thumb and rub his ear and after he wakes up Mommy will come. I asked if he wanted Daddy to come get him, he said no and went back to his class. At the end of the day I walked into the room and he sat and waited for his teacher to finish speaking and to say "okay" before he came over to me. I am thinking that must be a little hang over from some of the more structured time at BFF (his orphanage). On the way home he told us all about his day and that he sucked his thumb and rubbed his ear just like I told him to and he went to sleep and then Mommy come. It was very, very sweet. The rest of the evening at home went fine, he talked and talked about his day. He pulled Katie's (okay so the backpack has her name on it but he doesn't know that...yet!) his back pack around the house, and I tripped over it at least 100 times, and he came to me over and over for hugs and reassurance. Last night when it was bed time he wanted both Veldon and me to be there and then he struggled to actually go to sleep, he wanted to be held and then he wanted to lay down and rub my arm. Finally, after about an hour I held him tightly for a long, long time and he fell asleep. I don't think our day at school messed anything up for him, I think he enjoyed it and it will be an asset to him in the long run, I do however think it gave him a little bump to be away from his parents in a setting that was eerily similar to his orphanage. I think perhaps it was hard for him at nap time because they slept on mats on the floor in a very similar manner to the orphanage and sleep is such a vulnerable time for children.

All in all I am so grateful for our school who allows me to work there to pay our tuition, to interact with other kids, to teach history, which I adore, and to be close to my children. I am grateful for free preschool for my Max and I am grateful for all the wonderful friends whom I work with and asked me all day how my sweet Max was doing and how I was doing. God has been so gracious to us. If someone would have told me 15 years ago that I would be homeschooling my children, I would be living in GA and I would have adopted a child from Thailand with some special needs and waited for him for 31 months I probably would have laughed at them, (actually I always suspected I would homeschool one day) we had turned down churches in the SE because we weren't interested in living in the heat, and here we are in the deep, deep South, in a place that feels more like home than any since we married!

Culture Clash

So I'm struggling a little bit, well not really, but it has at least crossed my mind because I seem to confronted with it all the time. The question seems to be do we try to maintain Max's Thai culture or not. We aren't really planning on maintaining it. Max is an American now (almost). He was born into the Thai culture, but is no more, he was an orphan, but is no more. There are tons and tons of opinions on this subject, as you can imagine.

I'm on a Thai adoption email list, people from all over the world ask questions and talk about Thai adoption and the vast majority of those who have or are adopting from Thailand talk about the struggle to keep the child's country and culture relevant. This creates so many questions and thoughts on my part. Most of which I would never share on the adoption email list because they would lose their minds. They talk about trying to keep the language...how do white, English only speaking Americans keep a child's very tonal, very different language? They talk about celebrating Thai holidays, but that begs the question of time and money. They take their kids to Buddhist temples, again why? We rescued him from paganism why would I put him back in to it? Clearly not everyone who adopts from Thailand is a Christian I get that. These all seem very well and good on the outside, not the temple one of course, but honestly why would we do this? Why would I want to constantly point out to my child that the five of us are the same and he is different? He's going to get that anyway. Why would I want to teach him to celebrate a culture I have little respect for? This is a culture and a country that threw my child away, I'm sorry but that's the reality of the situation. Max was not seen as precious or special by the Thai people he was seen as the bottom of society. He was abandoned at an orphanage at 6 weeks for who knows what reason never to be checked on again. The people of Thailand don't, as a rule, adopt because ancestors and blood relationships are the most important thing. Yet well meaning, politically correct, white, American, adoptive parents want to force this culture on their rescued children. I don't understand. I just read a blog where an adoptive mom wished her child's birth mom and foster mom in Thailand a happy Thai Mother's Day....REALLY!! I'm not so bothered by the foster mom she at least cared for the child, but the birth mom! She abandoned the child, she walked away. Maybe she had good reasons, his life is clearly better now, but honestly when something good comes out of something bad does that make the something bad good? I don't think so. Max was born in Thailand and he lived there for 4 years, but that's not his heritage, that's not his culture anymore. Max's heritage and culture is this, his grandfather and his great-grandfather were both Baptist preachers. We celebrate Easter and Christmas, German egg noodles are the center of most holiday food and we love, love, love our country! His momma's family came from Europe and his daddy's family has Native American in it. He's a Tims now and forever, his ethnicity might be Thai, but that's after he's a Tims and an American and hopefully someday a believer in Jesus Christ.

I recently spoke with another adoptive mom about this whole issue, the amazing thing is she was adopted from Korea so she is an adoptive mom and an adopted child. She had such insight. She said her parents did try to keep her birth culture somewhat alive and tried to make her and her other adopted sisters feel special for being Asian, but it just made her and her sisters feel different and separated from the family. They wanted to belong to the family first, they felt like Americans first, she says she's not Korean, although her ethnicity is Korean, she is American and not "Asian-American". She never felt different except for the differences her parents pointed out. She isn't angry, or even upset, with them because they were doing what they thought was right by their daughters, but it wasn't what the girls wanted. They wanted to belong and be normal and in normal families we don't have multiple cultures we all merge into one. As an adoptive mom of a girl from China and a boy from Vietnam she said the only culture in their home is American, her kids are American! It was so nice to talk to her about all of this, to get some clarity and perspective.

I will never speak badly of Thailand to Max. I tell everyone who listens that we had a wonderful trip to Thailand to pick him up. I tell him, and others, that it is a beautiful country and the people were so kind to us, but I can't sugar coat the reality of the situation. That country and culture let my son down. Every country has it's flaws, we are all sinners, but I want Max to be proud of his new country and culture. It is this country that gave us the freedom to bring him home so he too could be free, he too can be a citizen because we chose him, and it is this culture that accepts children and people who are different (no matter what some people say our racism and discrimination seem none existent compared to other places in the world!). We are the great "melting pot" and this is the only country in which that is true...I'm glad it's my son's country now!

Streams of Thoughts

Tomorrow we start another school year. The kids don't technically start until next Monday, but meetings start tomorrow and since my kids are getting older there actually are meetings for them to attend this week, aside from open house on Friday, which they think is super lame because, given the size of our school and the number of years we've been there, how hard can it be to find their classes? I see their point but it's part of week so we will go.

This will also be another big change for Max. He will be in the preschool while I work at the school. I've known this would be hard for him, I didn't realize how hard on me it would be. I've only had him for just over 2 months. I'm not ready to share him, I'm not ready to be apart from him, I'm not ready to trust him with anyone else. I waited a really long time to hold him and be his momma and handing him to another female, even for a short time, is hard. I actually feel jealous of the time they will have with him. Maybe that's crazy, I don't know. My other kids were always with me. We couldn't afford preschool and the one time we tried Mother's Day Out we all hated it! The kids called it the yucky church and I didn't know what to do with myself while they were gone. I think I'm just made to be a mommy, it's what I love most, besides being Veldon's wife which I adore. No one could ask for a greater husband than Veldon, he is kind and patient and protective and helpful and...well, this really isn't a blog about my wonderful husband or how much I love him, but since you asked! Back to my point, Max will be separated from me for the first time since we got him. I know that most people say it will be good for him, that he needs other people, if that is your thought please don't say it to me! It's not what I care to hear right now. And frankly I don't agree, I think kids are always better of with their parents, of course, that is if the parents are fairly normal, I think we fall in the fairly normal category. I also think they survive what is necessary and it is necessary for me to work at the school and for him to attend our preschool, so he will be fine. Another issue is going on here as well, I hate it when school starts back! I love, love, love having my kids at home. The schedule is good and learning is good, and I know technically they are home schooled so they are at home a lot, but it isn't the same. The time is different, I wouldn't give up the time I have with them or change it but I love lounging around with them in the summer. I love sleeping late and letting them sleep late. I love drinking iced coffee with my girls, well actually just the one, in the morning okay to be really honest sometimes I don't like sharing my iced coffee with the kids, but the idea of sharing it is always appealing! It's just such a pain to make and they are flying through my fat free half and half...again I'm off the track!

Tomorrow is our first post placement home study. I really adore our sweet social worker, but I'm still a little nervous. I'll be gone all day so the house is up to my wonderful husband and the 3 older kids. They can do it, I know they can, but then they ask questions like "how clean the house has to be 'Grandma Laura clean or just clean clean' ". I guess I must really get crazy about cleaning when my parents come because when I tell them just clean they all sigh in relief...weird...I don't really get it at all because I think I always want it really clean, I am surely missing something.

Our sweet Max is changing everyday. He is loving and sweet and then defiant and difficult, but he is still amazing and wonderful. His heart breaks after getting in "trouble". I think sometimes he just asserts himself because he's trying to figure out who the heck he is, I can respect that. Every day is different for him and he has to find himself in the midst of all that has changed. Of course, in my adult mind, I'm thinking there are better ways to find yourself than doing the opposite of what your parents ask you to do and saying "no" to everything, but that's just me!

2 Months!!!!

Today is two months from the day we met and took our Max from the orphanage. Two months of learning a lot, trial and error, tears, exhaustion, laughing, playing and becoming more than 5 Americans and a Thai boy. It doesn't seem like it has been that long time has flown by, but in some ways it feels as if he's always been here. It's hard to remember the wait and frustration, it's hard to remember what a day was like without listening to Elmo or singing silly songs. In so many ways and most of the time everything is going very well. He seems happy, and he seems to really like us. At other times it is very difficult. I can tell that he struggles constantly with being a little boy with parents telling him what to do and with being an orphan on his own making his own decisions. He wants to do what he wants to do, I know that's true of all of us but this is different. At times I can tell he doesn't understand why in the world we are telling him he has to do something. I can tell that he resents it as if we don't have the right. He wants to be a child, he wants boundaries but he is resistant. Every time we have a struggle over anything, and it can be anything he decides to revolt against, he hugs and kisses me, after the conflict is over and the boundary has remained in place, as if he is thanking me for sticking to my guns. He has to feel so much safer knowing we mean what we say and we follow through. Nevertheless the wheels are always turning in his mind looking to find any tiny crack to get his way. As with any strong willed child we often give him choices between 2 or 3 things. He hates T-shirts, he LOVES button up shirts. The problem is he doesn't have enough button up shirts to wear one every day, or even every other day. So I generally get out a couple of T-shirts and let him pick, he goes to closet and points to the button ups, I tell him no he can pick one of the other two and then he refuses I pick he picks the other and we go on. He will then, generally, gripe about the shirt for a couple of hours, but he did at least have a little say in the decision. At night he falls asleep patting and rubbing me and generally has his arm hooked around mine. He wants to be a little boy, he wants to feel safe with his momma and in those quiet moments between sleep and wakefulness he lets his guard down and allows us to see he is vulnerable. Speaking of sleep, we decided a long time ago that he would sleep with us, I've mentioned that before, the first few weeks it was hard, he stirred constantly and moved around. He has always wanted to touch one of us in his sleep but he just was never still. I thought I would come to regret the decision, but I don't regret it even for a second. I can see that sleeping with us calms him. It gives him security and draws him closer to us as his parents. I think it re-enforces to him that we are his safety now and I can see that his sleep directly correlates to the day we have had. The night after the appointment with the endocrinologist, and the same day his grandparents arrived, he slept fitfully. He moved and kicked and squirmed. He was so stressed out and afraid at the doctor, he cried and fought, and even though there was no pain he was terrified. Then we got home and he met his grandparents. He adored them but still they were new and following such a stressful appointment his world was a little upside down. The next night he slept better and by the third night he was fine again, sleeping peacefully. I am so glad to be able to watch the day he had in his sleep, to kind of evaluate how he is handling his life. The fitful nights are becoming less frequent, maybe a few times a week rather than every single night. So anyway, I am pleased with our decision and although it has cost me some precious rest it has been totally worth it.

Next week our new schedule kind of begins. He will have to be away from me most of the day on Monday. I'm not sure how that will go. Veldon is going to keep him with him, at home or some at the office, but Max hasn't spent much time away from me and when I'm not around he generally doesn't like it. I will be in and out a lot next week and then on the 15th we start school which means he will be in our preschool. I really think he will like his time with his friend Joel but I think it will shake his world again too, I hate, on some levels, that he has to be separated from me at all, on the other hand I hope it will be good for him to see that when I leave him I always return and am never far away. I just keep praying for him that God will help him to bond to and trust quickly the two women who will primarily care for him on Mondays and Wednesdays. They are both sweet ladies and will shower him with love so my concerns have nothing to do with the care he will receive, more just how he will feel about not being with me.

I am so grateful that God worked it out for us to travel at the beginning of summer. Of course my humanity screams that I wish it had been the beginning of the summer of 2010, but that's neither here nor there! He is such a blessing. He is hard work and at times we are worn to the bone, but I wouldn't change the last two months for anything. I will be forever grateful that good allowed me the blessing of bringing this precious child into my home and allowed me to be his mother!