Home Free, not yet, Free

The struggles of an adopted child aren't over the moment they run joyfully, or not so joyfully, into their parent's arms. In many ways the struggles are just beginning. Imagine a world where you have NO choice, NO rights and NO say in what goes on around you. Imagine that you are stripped of everything and everyone you know. Your language, your friends, your culture, your identity...all gone and then imagine being expected to function in the new world, in which you have been involuntarily placed, within a few mere days. This is, to some degree, what every adopted child goes through. Maybe the language doesn't change...if the adoption is domestic, but traditions change, and the vernacular of the family in which they are placed will be different and they must learn all of it from scratch. From the moment an orphan is abandoned his/her life is turned upside down. There will be a string of people in and out, some kind others indifferent and even those who abuse. Their "home" will change as they are transferred from orphanage to orphanage. They might have episodes in and out of the hospital with yet new care givers and new sets of expectations and change. If they are lucky there are a few workers in their orphanage who love them and teach them how to love, if they are less lucky they will live life in isolation, even when others are around they are left in cribs alone to entertain themselves, changed and fed quickly without care or concern.

This is the world my little boy has come from. He was dropped off at the orphanage when he was barely six weeks old, he was transferred to another part of the orphanage when he was 3 months old. He was then in and out of the hospitals and sick wards for illnesses and surgeries. We have no way of knowing who, if anyone, sat with him. We have no way of knowing what type of care he received. We can imagine that he saw workers come and go, in and out of his life with not so much as a glance to look back. We can assume that his life was consistently inconsistent with changes in personalities that he had to adapt to in order to survive. From the moment he was dropped off on May 3, 2007 until the day he was picked up by us June 2, 2011 he lived his life alone in the world, connecting to those who cared and surviving less ideal workers and situations.

Knowing this about the orphan at large my son in particular, I am stunned at those who have little to no understanding about the orphan or my son yet have such strong opinions as to what we should, or will, be doing. Knowing what I do about attachment and bonding I am surprised that anyone would suggest, even with a look, that I am strange or wrong not to place my son in other situations that might be similar to an orphanage. How do I explain to a Thai speaking boy with little trust that nothing is changing when I drop him off with new people? Based on his past and his present we have no plans to place him in a nursery or a preschool, outside the preschool where I work because I must work to pay the other three's tuition, or any other institutionalized care. He will not be put in childcare situations that might confuse or distress him. He is not a biological child who went from womb to family with no interference, no trauma. The choices we are making for Max will be different than the choices we made for the other three children. It will likely be at least a year before he really gets that he is here for good. Although Veldon and I are around constantly he still doesn't have any understanding of parents and forever. He knows we are mommy and daddy because that's what he calls us not because of any past history that he can draw on that reminds him that we meet his needs, care for him and are safe. We are the safest people he knows right now, but in many, many ways he still considers us little more than nice caregivers who meet his needs. The bond and attachment will come as we consistently meet his needs, as we consistently remain front and center in his life. Others will come and go but we will remain. He will attach as he understands that we aren't two of many but that we don't change, we don't go anywhere. That doesn't come in a few days, weeks or months. It comes with time, lots of time. Four years will never be erased from his life, but hopefully those years will only be a very small part of who he is and how he sees his world, but it is up to us to teach him the world is safe and consistent and there is permanency in it. We are permanent.

So please, unless you have brought home a 4 year old with Max's history, don't think you know what is best for Max or our family. Please know that every decision we make for our son, the son that God entrusted to us, is for his good and not our benefit. I don't keep him with me always because it fills some need in me, it doesn't. It fills a need in him. He needs to know, for the long term, that nothing is changing. There are no more orphanages, no more crying alone, no more wondering what the next caregiver will be like. He has a mommy and daddy now and they worry about his care and his survival and meeting his needs. He can now relax and be 4, but relaxing won't happen over night or over a summer. It will be long time. We are walking this road with him, we are doing what we believe he needs, and if in the end we are wrong we will stand before our heavenly Father and agree with Him that we blew it!

This post isn't meant to be harsh, but I so wonder at those who haven't walked this road, aren't on this journey in any way, and their opinions. He is the very best off with us and that's where he will remain. So pray for our family and trust that those prayers are being answered by a most faithful Heavenly Father who adopted us and has taught us to trust Him through His constant presence in our lives.