Big Change

The name of this post comes from a bonding book I have read over and over. The author encourages the adoptive parent to refer to coming home as the big change. She encourages parents to talk about the change with the child and help the child walk through all that has happened in his life. This is in hopes of helping the child reconcile his two worlds into one person. I happen to agree with much of what this author propagates, others don't which is fine. It makes sense to me to talk about his former and present life. It makes sense to me to make his old life as much of his new life as we possibly can. Of course we can't speak the language nor can I recreate the orphanage atmosphere, thank goodness!, but I can talk to him a lot and often.

Last night, before bed, Max and I talked a long time about staying at Bann Daddy or going back to the orphanage Bann Faang Fah. Of course my Thai is worse than bad and although Max understands a lot of English he doesn't speak well enough to really express what he is thinking...oh and he's 4! He misses playing soccer at BFF and he misses Nithit, his best friend who came to American in April. I think he forgot Nithit was gone the last 2 months he was there. I don't think Max has any understanding of forever, and I don't see how he could understand this is permanent. I also don't think he is biding his time until he can return to the orphanage. There are definitely things he misses, freedom is probably close to the top of that list. He had a lot of freedom to come and go as he pleased and to do mostly what he wanted to do. He seems to have set his own schedule, not napping or going to bed at the same time as the other kids. He misses the elevated status of being a favored child, although we love him dearly we work really hard not to make our lives and our home about him. I'm not sure how well we accomplish that but we are working on it.

When Max finally settled down to go to sleep his eyes were sad. He wanted me to hold him longer before going to sleep than usual, but he didn't want me to sing. I would love to fool myself and believe that Max's life in Thailand is completely over, that he understands perfectly what parents are, what forever is and that he embraces the changes in his life. If I did so though, I believe, it would be more harmful than good. I would love to ignore that he might be sad about leaving his second home, the home after being with his birth mom, I would love to think that he has no fondness for his former life and it would be even better if he had no memory of that life. But he does remember, he does still grieve and if I don't walk through it with him who will? If I chose to dwell on the surface of things, and just believe that everything is fine in his heart, how would I be helping him? Max hurts sometimes, he desires for things to be different, he sometimes wants to go home. He is never belligerent, well never is an overstatement, but he isn't a belligerent child. Nor is he an unpleasant child. (Of course what parent thinks his child is unpleasant!) He whines at times but we are working that out of him. He rarely sulks or throws a fit. He cries at times when he doesn't get his way, but even then to call it a fit would generally be an overstatement. He isn't even slightly aggressive, and although he plays hard with Veldon and Hayden, I've never seen him hit or attempt to hurt anyone on purpose. He runs and plays and tries to get his own way by being persistent, but he is slowly coming to understand that his mother is more stubborn than he and we are coming to an understanding. He loves to know the boundaries and limits and then attempts to cross them, but he also complies. It's hard to put in words what we are walking through daily. He is such a pleasant and smart child. When other children have been aggressive with him he walks away, he doesn't get ruffled or even seem discouraged he just leaves. That has to be from being in the orphanage and understanding that sometimes being hit is just a way of life. He also doesn't seem to hold a grudge against the child who is aggressive and plays again with the child willingly. People see him playing a church and believe he must be such a rambunctious child, but he really isn't. He plays quietly a lot and doesn't run around yelling and screaming and whacking things.

Sometimes I am jealous for the time we have missed with him. Sometimes I am jealous of the fact that he isn't always completely happy here and he believes he would be happy back at BFF. Those are just my human feelings, my heart understands that Max had a huge change and someday, surely, he will see that what we did, taking him away from everything he knew, we did for his good because we love him and want him to have the very best life has to offer.