Wisdom ~

I spoke with another adoptive mom today. She and her husband brought their little boy home 13 months ago from the very same orphanage Tankhun is living in. It was great to hear about the orphanage, the size, how the transfer from orphanage to parents went and general information about their trip. The best information I gleaned though was her honesty and candidness about the last 13 months.

Having been a social worker, taught parenting classes and worked on my Master's degree in counseling, I am very interested in and concerned about bonding and attachment issues. I have seen way too many unattached children with behavior issues, mild to extreme, to not take the issue very seriously. To be honest this mom rekindled some of my anxieties. They have had quite a year helping their child bond to them. He came home from the orphanage just before he turned 3, Tankhun will likely come home several months after turning 3 so their ages will be very close. She shared about walking through all of his developmental ages with him, this is a necessary part of development that is easily skipped. She has fed her son every piece of food he has eaten for 13 months to reassure him (and re-enforce his knowledge) that everything comes from mom and dad. She has played patta-cake, and peek-a-boo just as you would an infant, read board books and rhythms and carried him on her hip almost constantly for a solid year. She kept him somewhat isolated, with very few contacts outside of their home, for the first several months, to help him attach to them and keep him from being over stimulated and unable to process. She is a social worker too so she has been very intentional in all that she has done. They have struggled with him going to anyone and everyone, inappropriate affection, being the life of the party in public places and a terror at home. Things that I have pondered and prayed about, but honestly I have secretly hoped that we will have a much better experience. Maybe we will, but I was certainly reminded that this is so much more than just plopping a 3 year old into our home, and going on with life as normal. To her credit, because of her intentional hard work, they are encouraged, in the last few weeks, after a year, she is beginning to see a change. He is no longer hugging and running to everyone, he is processing what the boundaries are and where lines are drawn. He is beginning to truly adjust to his new life and not just check out, as she said he would often do. Lack of eye contact and attention are ways of knowing if he is checking out or bonding. He's making good eye contact now and responding to them.

The conversation has encouraged and terrified me! Terrified is entirely too strong of a word, but my concerns are very real and still very much there. Bonding is the foundation for the rest of his life, not just with our family, but with his future family, spouse and children, with every friendship he will have, and with his future relationship with our heavenly Father. It's way too important for me to forget about. So I am armed with new resources to read and watch, I am committed to pray specifically for these things, and I'm reminded that picking Tankhun up at the orphanage is not the top of the mountain but the base of it, and we will climb that mountain with he and our other three kids in tow. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. We are committed to doing the really hard work in the first years, so that when he is older he will be a confident, capable follower of Christ.

Pray for us, that we are able to learn all this, remember all this, and walk the road that God has put before us without concern for the praise or criticism of man. Keeping in mind the needs of our child and children. Never thinking about our own selfish desires, but giving all we have to the 4 precious lives that have been entrusted to our care.

"For I can (and will) do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Phil 4:13. NLT