One Year Ago....

One year ago today, as days go as ~ dates go it was one year ago yesterday, we believed that we would probably not be able to adopt our sweet little Max. The rug was pulled out from underneath us without any warning, and seemingly, for no reason. We were crushed. I cried, panicked, and emailed one of my dearest friends asking how I had offended God. She was good to feel my pain and encourage me through it. (We all need at least one friend who cares enough to get dirty with you, who doesn't shy away from pain...she is that friend.) Our family prayed and wondered where to go. We decided, it wasn't much of a decision actually, to wait it out. We knew that it would be three months before we could try again. We knew, because everyone at our agency told us, that someone else would probably adopt him before the three months was over. But we knew that we had to wait. The wait was long, agonizing and sometimes it felt unbearable. As we walked threw those difficult months our home study drug on as well. It was to be done the end of December, but because of the bureaucracy of local, state and federal governments it dragged on. The last state finally returned our background checks in mid February. The home study was signed and notarized a couple of weeks later. A few weeks into March we received news that our agency had re-evaluated our boy and had changed his status, our social worker already had our hold papers in the mail to us and 10 days later he was officially on hold for us. Amazingly had Max's status been correct to begin with and our home study as slow as it was the likelihood that another family would have stepped forward for Max would have been much greater. The home study must be finalized and approved for a child to be placed on hold...God was working!

Not much has changed since those days of waiting, we are really no closer in the process, obviously in the course of real time we must be closer...every day is closer. But the referral our worker thought would come by July still has no sign of appearing. The days that we thought we would be planning for travel are flying by...as will the days we thought would be the latest we would travel. We are now looking at summer or even fall...maybe later. But great things are worth waiting on. Veldon and I waited, with bated breath, for every baby we had or God chose to take home. Every little bundle of joy, all three, that we were blessed to add to our family was worth every day of fear and sorrow. I can expect no less of the 4th baby Tims. He will be worth the stress and the wait. More important than all of the mess is how we glorify our Father through the process. My prayer since day one has been that we would (I would, Veldon is good) walk through this adoption with grace. That I wouldn't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that I wouldn't burden those around me with the stress and pain that are inevitable. In so many ways I feel that I have failed God in this, my sweet husband would probably agree, but it remains my goal for the focus of our adoption to be on God and on our son. Not on me and not on the adoption. A friend recently commented on my calmness about this adoption. She had no idea what an encouragement those words were to me. Only God could make such an up and down, dark and unpredictable process...calm.

So all this to say that God is still working. Although there are days of discouragement. There are more days of great peace. There are days that I see God's hands all over our lives, and I know that he is working out every detail of the life in Thailand and the lives in Canton, GA to be in perfect concert. So although I don't know the date or time of a referral, and to be honest we have taken to praying for the referral to come today...everyday. And I don't have any idea when we will travel to get our little boy I know there are bigger plans than mine afoot. Our God is working, the longer we wait the more precious it will be to hold him, the sweeter it will be to bring him home, and the more grateful I will feel every single day that I have to love him. I am therefore grateful for this wait. I am glad that God has chosen for our adoption to take much longer than we ever thought it might. I am glad that God trusts us to wait, that he knows he can stretch us and we won't break, that we won't give up, and that he knows we trust him completely. What a great and glorious God we serve.

So a year ago today, so to speak, we were no closer than we are today, but today we are light years ahead. Only God could do that!