Okay, I think I'm feeling a little more confident after some encouragement from those who know me best and beginning to read a new book on the very issues that concern me the most. Of course, this is all theory until the rubber meets the road, so to speak, but I'm gaining some tools that I find exciting and make sense. When we brought all three of our biological kids home from the hospital we relied a lot on instinct and experience...with the last two at least. It was trial and error, mistakes were made and we all learned..together. Adopting will have its learning curves too. But the stakes are much higher. Max won't come home to us knowing my voice, having heard it for 9 months prior to his birth. He will come with specific traumas, many of which I will never know about and will never fully understand. He will come to me, his mom, with a long list of loved and lost caregivers. He will be prepared to lose me as well. He will likely assume, for many, many, months, no matter how much I want to believe differently, that I am just one more of those caregivers. Every time I pass him to another adult to be with he will assume that person equal with me, just another. When he clings to me it won't be because he is so fond of me but I am at least more familiar than the stranger I might be handing him to. Connecting takes months and years. It involves every aspect of his life, and ours. I wonder as I prepare for him who he will be. Will he be the child that just chooses to go to sleep and thus, in his mind, disappear from the stress of this "big change" he has experienced? Will he be the child that looks through me but doesn't really see because he can't see, there's been to much stress? There are other possibilities too but as the adult, as the one who knows what connecting means I have to be the one to recognize and understand the great amount of stress we are placing on him. Is it for his good? I believe so, does that make it less traumatic, being pulled from all that you have known, being involuntarily immersed into a new language, a new culture and a new family, no...it will be the last (hopefully) great trauma of his life, but it will be trauma.
So I am preparing now for what is to come. I am preparing my kids that this isn't a romantic story of bringing home a beautiful boy and him melting into our loving arms and all goes beautifully. The story will, prayerfully, end beautifully, but it will require vast amounts of work. He will learn that we are here to stay, that he will be with us until we are all very old. He will learn that I am his mommy, not just another nice caregiver. We realize that part of helping him understand this will be limiting his exposure to other adults that he might confuse for caregivers. This will be difficult at times, and limiting for me, but we chose to bring him home not the other way around. The sacrifices must be ours. He will learn that our home is his home and that his stress and hurt are our stress and hurt. And eventually our family will become one story. Eventually his identity will include a birth mom who gave him up, an orphanage in Thailand that cared for him the best they could, and a Christian family that now belong to him.
Of course, all of this is moot until we bring our boy home, so I write to remember what I am feeling and what I am learning. For now we'll continue to pray for a referral and prepare intellectually, emotionally and spiritually for this addition to our family.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wisdom ~
I spoke with another adoptive mom today. She and her husband brought their little boy home 13 months ago from the very same orphanage Tankhun is living in. It was great to hear about the orphanage, the size, how the transfer from orphanage to parents went and general information about their trip. The best information I gleaned though was her honesty and candidness about the last 13 months.
Having been a social worker, taught parenting classes and worked on my Master's degree in counseling, I am very interested in and concerned about bonding and attachment issues. I have seen way too many unattached children with behavior issues, mild to extreme, to not take the issue very seriously. To be honest this mom rekindled some of my anxieties. They have had quite a year helping their child bond to them. He came home from the orphanage just before he turned 3, Tankhun will likely come home several months after turning 3 so their ages will be very close. She shared about walking through all of his developmental ages with him, this is a necessary part of development that is easily skipped. She has fed her son every piece of food he has eaten for 13 months to reassure him (and re-enforce his knowledge) that everything comes from mom and dad. She has played patta-cake, and peek-a-boo just as you would an infant, read board books and rhythms and carried him on her hip almost constantly for a solid year. She kept him somewhat isolated, with very few contacts outside of their home, for the first several months, to help him attach to them and keep him from being over stimulated and unable to process. She is a social worker too so she has been very intentional in all that she has done. They have struggled with him going to anyone and everyone, inappropriate affection, being the life of the party in public places and a terror at home. Things that I have pondered and prayed about, but honestly I have secretly hoped that we will have a much better experience. Maybe we will, but I was certainly reminded that this is so much more than just plopping a 3 year old into our home, and going on with life as normal. To her credit, because of her intentional hard work, they are encouraged, in the last few weeks, after a year, she is beginning to see a change. He is no longer hugging and running to everyone, he is processing what the boundaries are and where lines are drawn. He is beginning to truly adjust to his new life and not just check out, as she said he would often do. Lack of eye contact and attention are ways of knowing if he is checking out or bonding. He's making good eye contact now and responding to them.
The conversation has encouraged and terrified me! Terrified is entirely too strong of a word, but my concerns are very real and still very much there. Bonding is the foundation for the rest of his life, not just with our family, but with his future family, spouse and children, with every friendship he will have, and with his future relationship with our heavenly Father. It's way too important for me to forget about. So I am armed with new resources to read and watch, I am committed to pray specifically for these things, and I'm reminded that picking Tankhun up at the orphanage is not the top of the mountain but the base of it, and we will climb that mountain with he and our other three kids in tow. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. We are committed to doing the really hard work in the first years, so that when he is older he will be a confident, capable follower of Christ.
Pray for us, that we are able to learn all this, remember all this, and walk the road that God has put before us without concern for the praise or criticism of man. Keeping in mind the needs of our child and children. Never thinking about our own selfish desires, but giving all we have to the 4 precious lives that have been entrusted to our care.
"For I can (and will) do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Phil 4:13. NLT
Having been a social worker, taught parenting classes and worked on my Master's degree in counseling, I am very interested in and concerned about bonding and attachment issues. I have seen way too many unattached children with behavior issues, mild to extreme, to not take the issue very seriously. To be honest this mom rekindled some of my anxieties. They have had quite a year helping their child bond to them. He came home from the orphanage just before he turned 3, Tankhun will likely come home several months after turning 3 so their ages will be very close. She shared about walking through all of his developmental ages with him, this is a necessary part of development that is easily skipped. She has fed her son every piece of food he has eaten for 13 months to reassure him (and re-enforce his knowledge) that everything comes from mom and dad. She has played patta-cake, and peek-a-boo just as you would an infant, read board books and rhythms and carried him on her hip almost constantly for a solid year. She kept him somewhat isolated, with very few contacts outside of their home, for the first several months, to help him attach to them and keep him from being over stimulated and unable to process. She is a social worker too so she has been very intentional in all that she has done. They have struggled with him going to anyone and everyone, inappropriate affection, being the life of the party in public places and a terror at home. Things that I have pondered and prayed about, but honestly I have secretly hoped that we will have a much better experience. Maybe we will, but I was certainly reminded that this is so much more than just plopping a 3 year old into our home, and going on with life as normal. To her credit, because of her intentional hard work, they are encouraged, in the last few weeks, after a year, she is beginning to see a change. He is no longer hugging and running to everyone, he is processing what the boundaries are and where lines are drawn. He is beginning to truly adjust to his new life and not just check out, as she said he would often do. Lack of eye contact and attention are ways of knowing if he is checking out or bonding. He's making good eye contact now and responding to them.
The conversation has encouraged and terrified me! Terrified is entirely too strong of a word, but my concerns are very real and still very much there. Bonding is the foundation for the rest of his life, not just with our family, but with his future family, spouse and children, with every friendship he will have, and with his future relationship with our heavenly Father. It's way too important for me to forget about. So I am armed with new resources to read and watch, I am committed to pray specifically for these things, and I'm reminded that picking Tankhun up at the orphanage is not the top of the mountain but the base of it, and we will climb that mountain with he and our other three kids in tow. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. We are committed to doing the really hard work in the first years, so that when he is older he will be a confident, capable follower of Christ.
Pray for us, that we are able to learn all this, remember all this, and walk the road that God has put before us without concern for the praise or criticism of man. Keeping in mind the needs of our child and children. Never thinking about our own selfish desires, but giving all we have to the 4 precious lives that have been entrusted to our care.
"For I can (and will) do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Phil 4:13. NLT
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Life
My sweet husband gave me a new camera last night. It's a great camera, and although Nikon and reviewers consider it an entry level DSLR I can't imagine I'll ever need anything more. It's a frivolous gift for sure, something I don't deserve. My Canon, which I have had for the last 3 years, is a pretty good point and shoot...when it decides to work...which is less and less. When we turn it on it just clicks away but doesn't come on. By the time you get it on the moment has passed and there's no need to have it on. The baby comes on, so far, every time I ask it to. I'm floored.
I know that part of the reason he bought me this great camera is for our trip to get our boy. It's a way to connect me to the process. A way to soothe my bleeding heart. We pray every single day, sometimes several times a day, for our referral. So far, every single day, God has said no, but the day will come when He will say yes. Unless you've waited 7+ months for a referral, and gone 3 or 4 months with out even a word from your agency, which many people have I know, you can't understand how dark these months have been. I know that God is doing a work, I know that His plans are greater than ours and I know that the sweet day will come when we get our referral and then our "To Whom" letter and then our travel dates, but the waiting is very, very dark. I am determined to be grateful though. To understand that God's plans are bigger than mine, and better than mine. To know that every day I wait will make bringing our boy home that much sweeter.
So that's really all. We are 3 days out until Christmas our last, I think, with only 1 son. We are 4 days out until my sister and her family arrive to make our house full of energy and noise. I can't wait. I am ever so grateful for a husband that finds joy in spoiling me. Who tells me it's Christmas and I get so very little throughout the year that at Christmas we can splurge. He's mistaken, he spoils me all year long, but what a sweet and thoughtful man I married. He never resents buying me presents and being sweet to me. I thank God every day for him.
We will continue to pray every day for our referral. Since the agency is closed on Thursday and Friday and our SW isn't working on Wed. today is our last hope for the week...you never know. If not today maybe next Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday...it will come...someday it will come.
Tara
I know that part of the reason he bought me this great camera is for our trip to get our boy. It's a way to connect me to the process. A way to soothe my bleeding heart. We pray every single day, sometimes several times a day, for our referral. So far, every single day, God has said no, but the day will come when He will say yes. Unless you've waited 7+ months for a referral, and gone 3 or 4 months with out even a word from your agency, which many people have I know, you can't understand how dark these months have been. I know that God is doing a work, I know that His plans are greater than ours and I know that the sweet day will come when we get our referral and then our "To Whom" letter and then our travel dates, but the waiting is very, very dark. I am determined to be grateful though. To understand that God's plans are bigger than mine, and better than mine. To know that every day I wait will make bringing our boy home that much sweeter.
So that's really all. We are 3 days out until Christmas our last, I think, with only 1 son. We are 4 days out until my sister and her family arrive to make our house full of energy and noise. I can't wait. I am ever so grateful for a husband that finds joy in spoiling me. Who tells me it's Christmas and I get so very little throughout the year that at Christmas we can splurge. He's mistaken, he spoils me all year long, but what a sweet and thoughtful man I married. He never resents buying me presents and being sweet to me. I thank God every day for him.
We will continue to pray every day for our referral. Since the agency is closed on Thursday and Friday and our SW isn't working on Wed. today is our last hope for the week...you never know. If not today maybe next Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday...it will come...someday it will come.
Tara
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
One Year Ago....
One year ago today, as days go as ~ dates go it was one year ago yesterday, we believed that we would probably not be able to adopt our sweet little Max. The rug was pulled out from underneath us without any warning, and seemingly, for no reason. We were crushed. I cried, panicked, and emailed one of my dearest friends asking how I had offended God. She was good to feel my pain and encourage me through it. (We all need at least one friend who cares enough to get dirty with you, who doesn't shy away from pain...she is that friend.) Our family prayed and wondered where to go. We decided, it wasn't much of a decision actually, to wait it out. We knew that it would be three months before we could try again. We knew, because everyone at our agency told us, that someone else would probably adopt him before the three months was over. But we knew that we had to wait. The wait was long, agonizing and sometimes it felt unbearable. As we walked threw those difficult months our home study drug on as well. It was to be done the end of December, but because of the bureaucracy of local, state and federal governments it dragged on. The last state finally returned our background checks in mid February. The home study was signed and notarized a couple of weeks later. A few weeks into March we received news that our agency had re-evaluated our boy and had changed his status, our social worker already had our hold papers in the mail to us and 10 days later he was officially on hold for us. Amazingly had Max's status been correct to begin with and our home study as slow as it was the likelihood that another family would have stepped forward for Max would have been much greater. The home study must be finalized and approved for a child to be placed on hold...God was working!
Not much has changed since those days of waiting, we are really no closer in the process, obviously in the course of real time we must be closer...every day is closer. But the referral our worker thought would come by July still has no sign of appearing. The days that we thought we would be planning for travel are flying by...as will the days we thought would be the latest we would travel. We are now looking at summer or even fall...maybe later. But great things are worth waiting on. Veldon and I waited, with bated breath, for every baby we had or God chose to take home. Every little bundle of joy, all three, that we were blessed to add to our family was worth every day of fear and sorrow. I can expect no less of the 4th baby Tims. He will be worth the stress and the wait. More important than all of the mess is how we glorify our Father through the process. My prayer since day one has been that we would (I would, Veldon is good) walk through this adoption with grace. That I wouldn't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that I wouldn't burden those around me with the stress and pain that are inevitable. In so many ways I feel that I have failed God in this, my sweet husband would probably agree, but it remains my goal for the focus of our adoption to be on God and on our son. Not on me and not on the adoption. A friend recently commented on my calmness about this adoption. She had no idea what an encouragement those words were to me. Only God could make such an up and down, dark and unpredictable process...calm.
So all this to say that God is still working. Although there are days of discouragement. There are more days of great peace. There are days that I see God's hands all over our lives, and I know that he is working out every detail of the life in Thailand and the lives in Canton, GA to be in perfect concert. So although I don't know the date or time of a referral, and to be honest we have taken to praying for the referral to come today...everyday. And I don't have any idea when we will travel to get our little boy I know there are bigger plans than mine afoot. Our God is working, the longer we wait the more precious it will be to hold him, the sweeter it will be to bring him home, and the more grateful I will feel every single day that I have to love him. I am therefore grateful for this wait. I am glad that God has chosen for our adoption to take much longer than we ever thought it might. I am glad that God trusts us to wait, that he knows he can stretch us and we won't break, that we won't give up, and that he knows we trust him completely. What a great and glorious God we serve.
So a year ago today, so to speak, we were no closer than we are today, but today we are light years ahead. Only God could do that!
Not much has changed since those days of waiting, we are really no closer in the process, obviously in the course of real time we must be closer...every day is closer. But the referral our worker thought would come by July still has no sign of appearing. The days that we thought we would be planning for travel are flying by...as will the days we thought would be the latest we would travel. We are now looking at summer or even fall...maybe later. But great things are worth waiting on. Veldon and I waited, with bated breath, for every baby we had or God chose to take home. Every little bundle of joy, all three, that we were blessed to add to our family was worth every day of fear and sorrow. I can expect no less of the 4th baby Tims. He will be worth the stress and the wait. More important than all of the mess is how we glorify our Father through the process. My prayer since day one has been that we would (I would, Veldon is good) walk through this adoption with grace. That I wouldn't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that I wouldn't burden those around me with the stress and pain that are inevitable. In so many ways I feel that I have failed God in this, my sweet husband would probably agree, but it remains my goal for the focus of our adoption to be on God and on our son. Not on me and not on the adoption. A friend recently commented on my calmness about this adoption. She had no idea what an encouragement those words were to me. Only God could make such an up and down, dark and unpredictable process...calm.
So all this to say that God is still working. Although there are days of discouragement. There are more days of great peace. There are days that I see God's hands all over our lives, and I know that he is working out every detail of the life in Thailand and the lives in Canton, GA to be in perfect concert. So although I don't know the date or time of a referral, and to be honest we have taken to praying for the referral to come today...everyday. And I don't have any idea when we will travel to get our little boy I know there are bigger plans than mine afoot. Our God is working, the longer we wait the more precious it will be to hold him, the sweeter it will be to bring him home, and the more grateful I will feel every single day that I have to love him. I am therefore grateful for this wait. I am glad that God has chosen for our adoption to take much longer than we ever thought it might. I am glad that God trusts us to wait, that he knows he can stretch us and we won't break, that we won't give up, and that he knows we trust him completely. What a great and glorious God we serve.
So a year ago today, so to speak, we were no closer than we are today, but today we are light years ahead. Only God could do that!
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