Okay, I think I'm feeling a little more confident after some encouragement from those who know me best and beginning to read a new book on the very issues that concern me the most. Of course, this is all theory until the rubber meets the road, so to speak, but I'm gaining some tools that I find exciting and make sense. When we brought all three of our biological kids home from the hospital we relied a lot on instinct and experience...with the last two at least. It was trial and error, mistakes were made and we all learned..together. Adopting will have its learning curves too. But the stakes are much higher. Max won't come home to us knowing my voice, having heard it for 9 months prior to his birth. He will come with specific traumas, many of which I will never know about and will never fully understand. He will come to me, his mom, with a long list of loved and lost caregivers. He will be prepared to lose me as well. He will likely assume, for many, many, months, no matter how much I want to believe differently, that I am just one more of those caregivers. Every time I pass him to another adult to be with he will assume that person equal with me, just another. When he clings to me it won't be because he is so fond of me but I am at least more familiar than the stranger I might be handing him to. Connecting takes months and years. It involves every aspect of his life, and ours. I wonder as I prepare for him who he will be. Will he be the child that just chooses to go to sleep and thus, in his mind, disappear from the stress of this "big change" he has experienced? Will he be the child that looks through me but doesn't really see because he can't see, there's been to much stress? There are other possibilities too but as the adult, as the one who knows what connecting means I have to be the one to recognize and understand the great amount of stress we are placing on him. Is it for his good? I believe so, does that make it less traumatic, being pulled from all that you have known, being involuntarily immersed into a new language, a new culture and a new family, no...it will be the last (hopefully) great trauma of his life, but it will be trauma.
So I am preparing now for what is to come. I am preparing my kids that this isn't a romantic story of bringing home a beautiful boy and him melting into our loving arms and all goes beautifully. The story will, prayerfully, end beautifully, but it will require vast amounts of work. He will learn that we are here to stay, that he will be with us until we are all very old. He will learn that I am his mommy, not just another nice caregiver. We realize that part of helping him understand this will be limiting his exposure to other adults that he might confuse for caregivers. This will be difficult at times, and limiting for me, but we chose to bring him home not the other way around. The sacrifices must be ours. He will learn that our home is his home and that his stress and hurt are our stress and hurt. And eventually our family will become one story. Eventually his identity will include a birth mom who gave him up, an orphanage in Thailand that cared for him the best they could, and a Christian family that now belong to him.
Of course, all of this is moot until we bring our boy home, so I write to remember what I am feeling and what I am learning. For now we'll continue to pray for a referral and prepare intellectually, emotionally and spiritually for this addition to our family.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wisdom ~
I spoke with another adoptive mom today. She and her husband brought their little boy home 13 months ago from the very same orphanage Tankhun is living in. It was great to hear about the orphanage, the size, how the transfer from orphanage to parents went and general information about their trip. The best information I gleaned though was her honesty and candidness about the last 13 months.
Having been a social worker, taught parenting classes and worked on my Master's degree in counseling, I am very interested in and concerned about bonding and attachment issues. I have seen way too many unattached children with behavior issues, mild to extreme, to not take the issue very seriously. To be honest this mom rekindled some of my anxieties. They have had quite a year helping their child bond to them. He came home from the orphanage just before he turned 3, Tankhun will likely come home several months after turning 3 so their ages will be very close. She shared about walking through all of his developmental ages with him, this is a necessary part of development that is easily skipped. She has fed her son every piece of food he has eaten for 13 months to reassure him (and re-enforce his knowledge) that everything comes from mom and dad. She has played patta-cake, and peek-a-boo just as you would an infant, read board books and rhythms and carried him on her hip almost constantly for a solid year. She kept him somewhat isolated, with very few contacts outside of their home, for the first several months, to help him attach to them and keep him from being over stimulated and unable to process. She is a social worker too so she has been very intentional in all that she has done. They have struggled with him going to anyone and everyone, inappropriate affection, being the life of the party in public places and a terror at home. Things that I have pondered and prayed about, but honestly I have secretly hoped that we will have a much better experience. Maybe we will, but I was certainly reminded that this is so much more than just plopping a 3 year old into our home, and going on with life as normal. To her credit, because of her intentional hard work, they are encouraged, in the last few weeks, after a year, she is beginning to see a change. He is no longer hugging and running to everyone, he is processing what the boundaries are and where lines are drawn. He is beginning to truly adjust to his new life and not just check out, as she said he would often do. Lack of eye contact and attention are ways of knowing if he is checking out or bonding. He's making good eye contact now and responding to them.
The conversation has encouraged and terrified me! Terrified is entirely too strong of a word, but my concerns are very real and still very much there. Bonding is the foundation for the rest of his life, not just with our family, but with his future family, spouse and children, with every friendship he will have, and with his future relationship with our heavenly Father. It's way too important for me to forget about. So I am armed with new resources to read and watch, I am committed to pray specifically for these things, and I'm reminded that picking Tankhun up at the orphanage is not the top of the mountain but the base of it, and we will climb that mountain with he and our other three kids in tow. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. We are committed to doing the really hard work in the first years, so that when he is older he will be a confident, capable follower of Christ.
Pray for us, that we are able to learn all this, remember all this, and walk the road that God has put before us without concern for the praise or criticism of man. Keeping in mind the needs of our child and children. Never thinking about our own selfish desires, but giving all we have to the 4 precious lives that have been entrusted to our care.
"For I can (and will) do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Phil 4:13. NLT
Having been a social worker, taught parenting classes and worked on my Master's degree in counseling, I am very interested in and concerned about bonding and attachment issues. I have seen way too many unattached children with behavior issues, mild to extreme, to not take the issue very seriously. To be honest this mom rekindled some of my anxieties. They have had quite a year helping their child bond to them. He came home from the orphanage just before he turned 3, Tankhun will likely come home several months after turning 3 so their ages will be very close. She shared about walking through all of his developmental ages with him, this is a necessary part of development that is easily skipped. She has fed her son every piece of food he has eaten for 13 months to reassure him (and re-enforce his knowledge) that everything comes from mom and dad. She has played patta-cake, and peek-a-boo just as you would an infant, read board books and rhythms and carried him on her hip almost constantly for a solid year. She kept him somewhat isolated, with very few contacts outside of their home, for the first several months, to help him attach to them and keep him from being over stimulated and unable to process. She is a social worker too so she has been very intentional in all that she has done. They have struggled with him going to anyone and everyone, inappropriate affection, being the life of the party in public places and a terror at home. Things that I have pondered and prayed about, but honestly I have secretly hoped that we will have a much better experience. Maybe we will, but I was certainly reminded that this is so much more than just plopping a 3 year old into our home, and going on with life as normal. To her credit, because of her intentional hard work, they are encouraged, in the last few weeks, after a year, she is beginning to see a change. He is no longer hugging and running to everyone, he is processing what the boundaries are and where lines are drawn. He is beginning to truly adjust to his new life and not just check out, as she said he would often do. Lack of eye contact and attention are ways of knowing if he is checking out or bonding. He's making good eye contact now and responding to them.
The conversation has encouraged and terrified me! Terrified is entirely too strong of a word, but my concerns are very real and still very much there. Bonding is the foundation for the rest of his life, not just with our family, but with his future family, spouse and children, with every friendship he will have, and with his future relationship with our heavenly Father. It's way too important for me to forget about. So I am armed with new resources to read and watch, I am committed to pray specifically for these things, and I'm reminded that picking Tankhun up at the orphanage is not the top of the mountain but the base of it, and we will climb that mountain with he and our other three kids in tow. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. We are committed to doing the really hard work in the first years, so that when he is older he will be a confident, capable follower of Christ.
Pray for us, that we are able to learn all this, remember all this, and walk the road that God has put before us without concern for the praise or criticism of man. Keeping in mind the needs of our child and children. Never thinking about our own selfish desires, but giving all we have to the 4 precious lives that have been entrusted to our care.
"For I can (and will) do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Phil 4:13. NLT
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Life
My sweet husband gave me a new camera last night. It's a great camera, and although Nikon and reviewers consider it an entry level DSLR I can't imagine I'll ever need anything more. It's a frivolous gift for sure, something I don't deserve. My Canon, which I have had for the last 3 years, is a pretty good point and shoot...when it decides to work...which is less and less. When we turn it on it just clicks away but doesn't come on. By the time you get it on the moment has passed and there's no need to have it on. The baby comes on, so far, every time I ask it to. I'm floored.
I know that part of the reason he bought me this great camera is for our trip to get our boy. It's a way to connect me to the process. A way to soothe my bleeding heart. We pray every single day, sometimes several times a day, for our referral. So far, every single day, God has said no, but the day will come when He will say yes. Unless you've waited 7+ months for a referral, and gone 3 or 4 months with out even a word from your agency, which many people have I know, you can't understand how dark these months have been. I know that God is doing a work, I know that His plans are greater than ours and I know that the sweet day will come when we get our referral and then our "To Whom" letter and then our travel dates, but the waiting is very, very dark. I am determined to be grateful though. To understand that God's plans are bigger than mine, and better than mine. To know that every day I wait will make bringing our boy home that much sweeter.
So that's really all. We are 3 days out until Christmas our last, I think, with only 1 son. We are 4 days out until my sister and her family arrive to make our house full of energy and noise. I can't wait. I am ever so grateful for a husband that finds joy in spoiling me. Who tells me it's Christmas and I get so very little throughout the year that at Christmas we can splurge. He's mistaken, he spoils me all year long, but what a sweet and thoughtful man I married. He never resents buying me presents and being sweet to me. I thank God every day for him.
We will continue to pray every day for our referral. Since the agency is closed on Thursday and Friday and our SW isn't working on Wed. today is our last hope for the week...you never know. If not today maybe next Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday...it will come...someday it will come.
Tara
I know that part of the reason he bought me this great camera is for our trip to get our boy. It's a way to connect me to the process. A way to soothe my bleeding heart. We pray every single day, sometimes several times a day, for our referral. So far, every single day, God has said no, but the day will come when He will say yes. Unless you've waited 7+ months for a referral, and gone 3 or 4 months with out even a word from your agency, which many people have I know, you can't understand how dark these months have been. I know that God is doing a work, I know that His plans are greater than ours and I know that the sweet day will come when we get our referral and then our "To Whom" letter and then our travel dates, but the waiting is very, very dark. I am determined to be grateful though. To understand that God's plans are bigger than mine, and better than mine. To know that every day I wait will make bringing our boy home that much sweeter.
So that's really all. We are 3 days out until Christmas our last, I think, with only 1 son. We are 4 days out until my sister and her family arrive to make our house full of energy and noise. I can't wait. I am ever so grateful for a husband that finds joy in spoiling me. Who tells me it's Christmas and I get so very little throughout the year that at Christmas we can splurge. He's mistaken, he spoils me all year long, but what a sweet and thoughtful man I married. He never resents buying me presents and being sweet to me. I thank God every day for him.
We will continue to pray every day for our referral. Since the agency is closed on Thursday and Friday and our SW isn't working on Wed. today is our last hope for the week...you never know. If not today maybe next Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday...it will come...someday it will come.
Tara
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
One Year Ago....
One year ago today, as days go as ~ dates go it was one year ago yesterday, we believed that we would probably not be able to adopt our sweet little Max. The rug was pulled out from underneath us without any warning, and seemingly, for no reason. We were crushed. I cried, panicked, and emailed one of my dearest friends asking how I had offended God. She was good to feel my pain and encourage me through it. (We all need at least one friend who cares enough to get dirty with you, who doesn't shy away from pain...she is that friend.) Our family prayed and wondered where to go. We decided, it wasn't much of a decision actually, to wait it out. We knew that it would be three months before we could try again. We knew, because everyone at our agency told us, that someone else would probably adopt him before the three months was over. But we knew that we had to wait. The wait was long, agonizing and sometimes it felt unbearable. As we walked threw those difficult months our home study drug on as well. It was to be done the end of December, but because of the bureaucracy of local, state and federal governments it dragged on. The last state finally returned our background checks in mid February. The home study was signed and notarized a couple of weeks later. A few weeks into March we received news that our agency had re-evaluated our boy and had changed his status, our social worker already had our hold papers in the mail to us and 10 days later he was officially on hold for us. Amazingly had Max's status been correct to begin with and our home study as slow as it was the likelihood that another family would have stepped forward for Max would have been much greater. The home study must be finalized and approved for a child to be placed on hold...God was working!
Not much has changed since those days of waiting, we are really no closer in the process, obviously in the course of real time we must be closer...every day is closer. But the referral our worker thought would come by July still has no sign of appearing. The days that we thought we would be planning for travel are flying by...as will the days we thought would be the latest we would travel. We are now looking at summer or even fall...maybe later. But great things are worth waiting on. Veldon and I waited, with bated breath, for every baby we had or God chose to take home. Every little bundle of joy, all three, that we were blessed to add to our family was worth every day of fear and sorrow. I can expect no less of the 4th baby Tims. He will be worth the stress and the wait. More important than all of the mess is how we glorify our Father through the process. My prayer since day one has been that we would (I would, Veldon is good) walk through this adoption with grace. That I wouldn't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that I wouldn't burden those around me with the stress and pain that are inevitable. In so many ways I feel that I have failed God in this, my sweet husband would probably agree, but it remains my goal for the focus of our adoption to be on God and on our son. Not on me and not on the adoption. A friend recently commented on my calmness about this adoption. She had no idea what an encouragement those words were to me. Only God could make such an up and down, dark and unpredictable process...calm.
So all this to say that God is still working. Although there are days of discouragement. There are more days of great peace. There are days that I see God's hands all over our lives, and I know that he is working out every detail of the life in Thailand and the lives in Canton, GA to be in perfect concert. So although I don't know the date or time of a referral, and to be honest we have taken to praying for the referral to come today...everyday. And I don't have any idea when we will travel to get our little boy I know there are bigger plans than mine afoot. Our God is working, the longer we wait the more precious it will be to hold him, the sweeter it will be to bring him home, and the more grateful I will feel every single day that I have to love him. I am therefore grateful for this wait. I am glad that God has chosen for our adoption to take much longer than we ever thought it might. I am glad that God trusts us to wait, that he knows he can stretch us and we won't break, that we won't give up, and that he knows we trust him completely. What a great and glorious God we serve.
So a year ago today, so to speak, we were no closer than we are today, but today we are light years ahead. Only God could do that!
Not much has changed since those days of waiting, we are really no closer in the process, obviously in the course of real time we must be closer...every day is closer. But the referral our worker thought would come by July still has no sign of appearing. The days that we thought we would be planning for travel are flying by...as will the days we thought would be the latest we would travel. We are now looking at summer or even fall...maybe later. But great things are worth waiting on. Veldon and I waited, with bated breath, for every baby we had or God chose to take home. Every little bundle of joy, all three, that we were blessed to add to our family was worth every day of fear and sorrow. I can expect no less of the 4th baby Tims. He will be worth the stress and the wait. More important than all of the mess is how we glorify our Father through the process. My prayer since day one has been that we would (I would, Veldon is good) walk through this adoption with grace. That I wouldn't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that I wouldn't burden those around me with the stress and pain that are inevitable. In so many ways I feel that I have failed God in this, my sweet husband would probably agree, but it remains my goal for the focus of our adoption to be on God and on our son. Not on me and not on the adoption. A friend recently commented on my calmness about this adoption. She had no idea what an encouragement those words were to me. Only God could make such an up and down, dark and unpredictable process...calm.
So all this to say that God is still working. Although there are days of discouragement. There are more days of great peace. There are days that I see God's hands all over our lives, and I know that he is working out every detail of the life in Thailand and the lives in Canton, GA to be in perfect concert. So although I don't know the date or time of a referral, and to be honest we have taken to praying for the referral to come today...everyday. And I don't have any idea when we will travel to get our little boy I know there are bigger plans than mine afoot. Our God is working, the longer we wait the more precious it will be to hold him, the sweeter it will be to bring him home, and the more grateful I will feel every single day that I have to love him. I am therefore grateful for this wait. I am glad that God has chosen for our adoption to take much longer than we ever thought it might. I am glad that God trusts us to wait, that he knows he can stretch us and we won't break, that we won't give up, and that he knows we trust him completely. What a great and glorious God we serve.
So a year ago today, so to speak, we were no closer than we are today, but today we are light years ahead. Only God could do that!
Friday, November 27, 2009
New pictures
We, obviously, got new pictures of our boy today. We are so excited to see his sweet face and to know that he has had another surgery but that no other surgeries are planned for him. Although our agency doesn't seem to think his surgeries are slowing down the adoption process I don't see how that can be. Our SW has also told us that we are just waiting for one more form for Max's referral. The form must come from the orphanage and since it is a large orphanage we don't feel that it will come in the near future. We believe that God has a plan to bring Max home and that he won't be here a day late but sometimes the wait is difficult. We rejoice in seeing more pictures of a healthy, happy boy and we will wait patiently to hold him, and to tell him how much and how long we have loved him.
Tara
Tara
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
He's beautiful~
This is the building where Tankhum lives!
This is a garden planted for the children there right outside his building.
This is the social worker's building where I met Tankhum.
Shrub in the shape of a boat!
Shrub in the shape of an elephant!
These are just other buildings that I saw when I walked back to our car.
Tankhum's building was further back so I passed by these on my way out.
Hey friend! Happy Tuesday!!! I GOT TO SEE YOUR BOY TODAY!!!!!
I guess that’s pretty obvious! Okay, for the important stuff~
He walks really well!
He looks so healthy! He sat in my lap for a few minutes and his tummy is squishy and full! ha! Seriously, he feels really good. Not fat by any means but not skinny and sickly at all.
He is smaller than Joel, but we expected that.
His favorite toy is a ball.
He liked the blue truck/Matchbox car I took him. He did play with it in my lap.
You can see, he had surgery. The extra thumb is gone and they were trying to tell me other things but their English was so spotty. I did make out that he is having a second surgery in October. He uses his arm well. It seems longer to me but I guess it’s just because he’s grown since we had his video. I touched his wrist and you can tell there is bone missing from his arm...it’s just really soft.
They said he talks A LOT! But he was shy with me. He didn’t cry at all though. Just quiet.
The social workers were very leery of me. They didn’t speak very good English at all. I showed them his picture. They wanted to know why I was there and was I with WACAP! ha! Sure, why not? Just kidding. I told them about us adopting and Vo setting it up with Khun Nut...they weren’t buying it. Finally they got his file out {it’s huge} and showed it to me. It had a lot of pics of him in it from when he was a baby. They showed me the same medical report that you have...the long one. Finally, they brought him into the office where I was. I only had 20 minutes total to spend there because we had to hire a limo driver and that was as long as he would wait. It was too far to go for a taxi so our hotel arranged for us to use their limo service instead. It wasn’t really a limo but was a Volvo. But nicer car than any others we’ve been in here. It took about 40 minutes to get there. It took 10 minutes to get them to trust me and so my remaining time was limited because of our driver. Jase stayed in the car with Joel since he wasn’t allowed to go.
So I only got to spend about 10 minutes with him. And he was in my lap for a few of them. I wish I had more video for you. But they were trying to communicate with me and I felt bad looking away from them when they were trying so hard to make me understand. Also, I was trying to take pics and video at the same time and that’s why it moves so much at the beginning! Sorry! Just wanted to do my best for you and get all I could but then they started talking!
When I was leaving, the main social worker Khun Nut {“koon noot”} came in. She is friends with Vo. Vo had called her for us and asked if we could come. She arranged it all. So nice of her. Khun Nut was very nice, Tara. Looks young, maybe 25 or 30. She walked out with me and spoke better English than the others. I told her that we were great friends with Tankhum’s family and that you all were very anxious and excited to adopt him. She smiled and said thank you. She took me to the outside of Tankhum’s building. She said I was welcomed to take pictures of anything I wanted on the outside. So I DID!!! She hugged me goodbye...super nice lady!
Let me say, it’s a very nice place! Very well kept and pretty. You can see the pics...but they have shrubs cut in the shapes of things...one pic is of a boat and another is of an elephant. Like at Disney World! Flowers everywhere. The drive to Pakkred is just like other parts of Bangkok...dirty looking and old. But the Pakkred orphanage complex is off the road a bit, is gated with a guard and is so nice. It is huge. Many buildings. But they all look so nice. I only went in the social workers building though. Not in any of the children’s buildings.
If you are able to take him on the first or second day being here, you will need to switch hotels. We are only 5-7 minutes by taxi {2-3 miles} from the Embassy. I would think you will want to be in this part of town after you have him for good. Or maybe if you get him on day one, you would stay around here and just drive over the one time for the day to get him. You wouldn’t want to stay near Pakkred the whole time. Too far away from where you will need to be later. I have the address written in Thai in two places and the direct number to Khun Nut for you just in case.
I’m sure I’m not answering all of your questions. If you think of anything, send me a message in Facebook or email me at kamroberts@yahoo.com My windstream account is rejected here.
He is beautiful!
I love you!
Kam
Monday, September 21, 2009
History
Since Kam went to the trouble of creating a private blog for us, something I could have never figured out on my own so thanks Kam, I think I will go ahead and transfer some of my thoughts over to this blog of our journey to this point. There's nothing profound about these thoughts and I am very inconsistent with keeping things updated. Life moves too quickly most of the time for me to spend much time typing away. But I'll continue to add to this until we bring our little boy home or God shuts the door (hopefully not the latter).
So the ensuing posts are all part of the history that brought us to this point.
So the ensuing posts are all part of the history that brought us to this point.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Breakfast is Served! 3/30/09
We knew He would provide and He did! We are now able to put our Thai guy on hold. Not all of our worries are over, but we have made it through this hurdle and it could have only happened through God's providence and provision. I can see how He has worked for months to bring about this end. I said last time I wish I had been one of those orphans at the breakfast table with George Muller. Today I feel as though I am we saw nothing and then suddenly provision. Out of nothing...that's how our God works. I just cried this morning and have been weepy all day long. I wrote our letter of intent to adopt our Thai guy and all the paper work goes back to the agency this week. We are on our way! What a difference 24 hours makes. Our next step is the dossier and although completely overwhelming a few days ago we have completed most of it and it doesn't seem so overwhelming anymore.
Our sweet kids have been so faithful to this adoption and prayed with us and have been willing to make many sacrifices. They have each offered to give up their bedrooms. They've willingly given up church activities and "extras". They are always looking for ways to help with this endeavor. Katie about jumped out of her seat yesterday morning in church. She was reading a flier in the church bulletin advertising a children's camp this summer that our church will be hosting. The flier stated that there is a need for camp counselors that are over the age of 16 and can work for 3 weeks. The pay will be $200 a week. You could see the wheels turning in Katie's little mind and as soon as we got into the car after church she had a plan. She said "if you and daddy both work at this camp you could both make $600, that would be one thousand two hundred dollars in three weeks toward our adoption." It was so precious, of course being 1o it had not occurred to her that Daddy has a job and the church may not be willing to give up their music minister for 3 weeks so he can earn $600. But the fact that she was thinking about a way to bring in some extra money was so sweet.
So as we move into the next phase of our adoption we are feeling refreshed and blessed. There is still quite a journey ahead but I'm ready to sit down for lunch and see how God continues to provide.
Our sweet kids have been so faithful to this adoption and prayed with us and have been willing to make many sacrifices. They have each offered to give up their bedrooms. They've willingly given up church activities and "extras". They are always looking for ways to help with this endeavor. Katie about jumped out of her seat yesterday morning in church. She was reading a flier in the church bulletin advertising a children's camp this summer that our church will be hosting. The flier stated that there is a need for camp counselors that are over the age of 16 and can work for 3 weeks. The pay will be $200 a week. You could see the wheels turning in Katie's little mind and as soon as we got into the car after church she had a plan. She said "if you and daddy both work at this camp you could both make $600, that would be one thousand two hundred dollars in three weeks toward our adoption." It was so precious, of course being 1o it had not occurred to her that Daddy has a job and the church may not be willing to give up their music minister for 3 weeks so he can earn $600. But the fact that she was thinking about a way to bring in some extra money was so sweet.
So as we move into the next phase of our adoption we are feeling refreshed and blessed. There is still quite a journey ahead but I'm ready to sit down for lunch and see how God continues to provide.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
One Step Forward...Three Steps back 3/28/09
This has been a crazy/great/scary adoption week for our family. Maybe not scary but a little overwhelming. We got our "hold" papers from the adoption agency for our Thai guy. We were contacted by two grant agencies and our applications are being reviewed...so we weren't rejected right off the bat. Lastly our guy received a subsidy from the adoption agency. The subsidy will go directly toward the agency fees. It won't completely cover the fees but will lower them a great deal. What a blessing! We also received, with the hold papers, all the information for putting together our dossier...WOW. It seems that we will have to redo half of what we have already done and spend a good couple of weeks running like crazy. That's fine I don't mind, he is certainly worth it, but as I read over all that needed to be done there was a part of me that just wanted to stick the packet in a drawer and call it quits. We won't, we are committed to following this road as far as God leads, even if it feels like we are walking in circles sometimes.
The scary part is that the papers go back next week with our payment, we don't have the payment. Grants take a very long time and although we are saving money there's not enough for the down payment and things keep coming up. The car needed repairs, the septic tank had to be pumped, tires wore out...you get the idea. I guess I'm not really scared, but I do struggle with what's next. My friend, Kelly, asked me on Friday "if we (by we she means her and us, she is so excited about this) are just waiting for God to drop the money out of the sky? If so that's fine, George Muller did and it seemed to work out for him." I don't really know what we are doing. I certainly don't have the faith of George Muller, but there's no way for me to make something happen. We must trust Him through every step of this entire process, He has proven Himself to be faithful over and over He will do it again. It is hard to just wait though. I keep picturing George and all those children around the breakfast table, asking a blessing for the food they would receive because there was none in front of them. George's response to one children's statement that "there was no food" was that "God would provide". There was a knock at the door and God provided breakfast. I wish I had been one of those children sitting at that table! I can't make the thousands of dollars appear any more than one of those precious children could make their breakfast appear. Here's the wonderful thing, they had a need and God provided for it in a way that was so completely remarkable only He could receive the glory. I hope that's His plan for us, I hope that the way this works out is so huge that all eyes are on Him.
A couple of weeks ago God led me to the book "Battling Unbelief", by John Piper. I had just had a conversation with Veldon confessing that I do trust and believe God but I struggle so with trusting and believing. I feel that I spend half of my life crying out "I believe, help my unbelief". I was sitting in choir practice and looked on the ground and there it was as big as day "Battling Unbelief". I asked the lady next to me where she got it, she said she is doing it as a study...at our church. (You would think I would have a better idea about what is going on at my church) She offered to let me borrow it when the study is over...in 5 weeks. I guess she saw my frown (not at her but at the idea of waiting) so she said they are also for sale in the church library. I couldn't get up the stairs and into that library fast enough! The book is incredible Piper is talking to me I'm sure of it. He reminds us that God will always do what is best, He is always at work for our good, "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 If we are seeking Him and working within His will He won't withhold anything good from us. We must trust His future grace that it will work out for good even if it doesn't' feel like that today. He doesn't withhold good from us and all things are working together for good. We also must remember that He also doesn't work like we do. We do not think like Him or He like us. Every afternoon I run (figuratively of course) to the mailbox to see if His provision is here. The thing is I doubt the solution to this problem is going to come through the mail, I still look though. I'm thinking "mailbox"...God thinks very differently. Maybe He's just going to drop it over our house in a great big gift bag. :) I doubt it, but I know He will provide. Scared was probably too strong of a word, every once in a while I catch my breath and think there is no way this can work but then I remember who I am depending on. My father owns the cattle on a thousand hills, He has a way to bring this child home. Our faith was shaken three months ago when things seemed to take a turn in the wrong direction, but He worked mightily through the situation. I know that He is working still.
So here we are God our family is sitting around the breakfast table of this adoption waiting to see how you provide. I know that you will, and I am so excited to share some day with our Thai guy about our faithful God and how that God provided all that we needed to bring him home.
The scary part is that the papers go back next week with our payment, we don't have the payment. Grants take a very long time and although we are saving money there's not enough for the down payment and things keep coming up. The car needed repairs, the septic tank had to be pumped, tires wore out...you get the idea. I guess I'm not really scared, but I do struggle with what's next. My friend, Kelly, asked me on Friday "if we (by we she means her and us, she is so excited about this) are just waiting for God to drop the money out of the sky? If so that's fine, George Muller did and it seemed to work out for him." I don't really know what we are doing. I certainly don't have the faith of George Muller, but there's no way for me to make something happen. We must trust Him through every step of this entire process, He has proven Himself to be faithful over and over He will do it again. It is hard to just wait though. I keep picturing George and all those children around the breakfast table, asking a blessing for the food they would receive because there was none in front of them. George's response to one children's statement that "there was no food" was that "God would provide". There was a knock at the door and God provided breakfast. I wish I had been one of those children sitting at that table! I can't make the thousands of dollars appear any more than one of those precious children could make their breakfast appear. Here's the wonderful thing, they had a need and God provided for it in a way that was so completely remarkable only He could receive the glory. I hope that's His plan for us, I hope that the way this works out is so huge that all eyes are on Him.
A couple of weeks ago God led me to the book "Battling Unbelief", by John Piper. I had just had a conversation with Veldon confessing that I do trust and believe God but I struggle so with trusting and believing. I feel that I spend half of my life crying out "I believe, help my unbelief". I was sitting in choir practice and looked on the ground and there it was as big as day "Battling Unbelief". I asked the lady next to me where she got it, she said she is doing it as a study...at our church. (You would think I would have a better idea about what is going on at my church) She offered to let me borrow it when the study is over...in 5 weeks. I guess she saw my frown (not at her but at the idea of waiting) so she said they are also for sale in the church library. I couldn't get up the stairs and into that library fast enough! The book is incredible Piper is talking to me I'm sure of it. He reminds us that God will always do what is best, He is always at work for our good, "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 If we are seeking Him and working within His will He won't withhold anything good from us. We must trust His future grace that it will work out for good even if it doesn't' feel like that today. He doesn't withhold good from us and all things are working together for good. We also must remember that He also doesn't work like we do. We do not think like Him or He like us. Every afternoon I run (figuratively of course) to the mailbox to see if His provision is here. The thing is I doubt the solution to this problem is going to come through the mail, I still look though. I'm thinking "mailbox"...God thinks very differently. Maybe He's just going to drop it over our house in a great big gift bag. :) I doubt it, but I know He will provide. Scared was probably too strong of a word, every once in a while I catch my breath and think there is no way this can work but then I remember who I am depending on. My father owns the cattle on a thousand hills, He has a way to bring this child home. Our faith was shaken three months ago when things seemed to take a turn in the wrong direction, but He worked mightily through the situation. I know that He is working still.
So here we are God our family is sitting around the breakfast table of this adoption waiting to see how you provide. I know that you will, and I am so excited to share some day with our Thai guy about our faithful God and how that God provided all that we needed to bring him home.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Adoption updates...2/16/09
I received a call first thing this morning…shortly after I got out of bed, which actually wasn’t first thing at all…from a church member who is working toward a domestic adoption with her husband. They have tried for years to have children and have been unsuccessful so they are now pursuing adoption. She knew I had information about adopting Native American children so she called to inquire. I could hear the excitement and restraint in her voice. Adoption is a difficult journey and it doesn’t serve you well to get too emotional until much further down the road. As we talked I remembered those brief years of miscarrying and wondering if infertility would be something that defined me, our family and our life. As it turned out, for us, it was not. But they were difficult events to walk through. Now speaking to this anxious prospective momma my heart hurt for her and her plight. I have been praying for her for months and have even been hesitant to share our adoption plans with her because of the pain she must feel not having even one. I almost feel guilty being so blessed and seeking another child.
Their reasons and ours for growing our families through adoption are different. God has placed a specific call on Veldon and me to adopt an orphan, to follow the mandate in James to care for the orphans in their suffering. I feel overwhelmed, and unworthy of the call, but we will do as we feel He is leading. To be perfectly honest we don’t need another child, we have three…we are busy and fulfilled. But we are compelled, we can’t help ourselves, we must follow God wherever He leads. Part of the beauty of this journey is that our kids are right here with us. They ask us, sometimes daily, if there is any new news about the adoption…any updates? They have looked at profile after profile with us and have been so encouraging. They believe God is calling our family to do this as much as we do. I am glad that they are experiencing this at their ages, they are old enough that they will each have strong memories of these events, they will be able to tell their younger brother about our search to find him and their part in all that happened. They pray with us, cry with us and offer constant comic relief. They understand the urgency of what we are doing, they are with us every step of the way...they get it…sometimes more than the Christian adults who cross our path.
Last week I was at a Christian teacher’s conference, the last speaker for the conference stood up and said, “There are 50 million girls missing in China”. WOW 50 million…how can that be, how can that many little girls just be gone? What can we do about this? This information made me even more thrilled that one of my dearest friends leaves tomorrow, with her family, to travel half way around the world and get their 5th child, a baby girl, from CHINA. This is something they have been working on for nearly 4 years and finally they are on their way. They didn’t need another child either but they heard the call from God and obeyed. There is now one less orphaned little girl all alone in a cruel and dangerous world. She will forever have a mommy who knows where she is and what she is doing. She will be swung around in the arms of a loving father who will point her to her Heavenly Father. She is no longer alone, she is loved and wanted and will be well cared for. Every child deserves this, every one of those 50 million girls deserves this, but not every birth mother and father can provide it. For whatever reason our world has 143 million orphans, children that don’t know the love of a mother or a father they have no idea what it means to be in a family. I am so...so grateful that God has called us to pluck one out and bring him home.
One last thing...today we were told that our home study is done and will be mailed out this week. What great news this is for us! We still have miles and miles to go on our journey to Max, every journey requires many, many steps, this brings us one step closer to the finish line. Praise God. Adoption won’t define our family, as infertility did not, it’s not who we are, it’s just one more piece in the mosaic that God is painstakingly creating that ultimately will define each of us.
Their reasons and ours for growing our families through adoption are different. God has placed a specific call on Veldon and me to adopt an orphan, to follow the mandate in James to care for the orphans in their suffering. I feel overwhelmed, and unworthy of the call, but we will do as we feel He is leading. To be perfectly honest we don’t need another child, we have three…we are busy and fulfilled. But we are compelled, we can’t help ourselves, we must follow God wherever He leads. Part of the beauty of this journey is that our kids are right here with us. They ask us, sometimes daily, if there is any new news about the adoption…any updates? They have looked at profile after profile with us and have been so encouraging. They believe God is calling our family to do this as much as we do. I am glad that they are experiencing this at their ages, they are old enough that they will each have strong memories of these events, they will be able to tell their younger brother about our search to find him and their part in all that happened. They pray with us, cry with us and offer constant comic relief. They understand the urgency of what we are doing, they are with us every step of the way...they get it…sometimes more than the Christian adults who cross our path.
Last week I was at a Christian teacher’s conference, the last speaker for the conference stood up and said, “There are 50 million girls missing in China”. WOW 50 million…how can that be, how can that many little girls just be gone? What can we do about this? This information made me even more thrilled that one of my dearest friends leaves tomorrow, with her family, to travel half way around the world and get their 5th child, a baby girl, from CHINA. This is something they have been working on for nearly 4 years and finally they are on their way. They didn’t need another child either but they heard the call from God and obeyed. There is now one less orphaned little girl all alone in a cruel and dangerous world. She will forever have a mommy who knows where she is and what she is doing. She will be swung around in the arms of a loving father who will point her to her Heavenly Father. She is no longer alone, she is loved and wanted and will be well cared for. Every child deserves this, every one of those 50 million girls deserves this, but not every birth mother and father can provide it. For whatever reason our world has 143 million orphans, children that don’t know the love of a mother or a father they have no idea what it means to be in a family. I am so...so grateful that God has called us to pluck one out and bring him home.
One last thing...today we were told that our home study is done and will be mailed out this week. What great news this is for us! We still have miles and miles to go on our journey to Max, every journey requires many, many steps, this brings us one step closer to the finish line. Praise God. Adoption won’t define our family, as infertility did not, it’s not who we are, it’s just one more piece in the mosaic that God is painstakingly creating that ultimately will define each of us.
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