Orphanage Residue

Over the past 10 months we have noticed behaviors in our fabulous boy that could only be described as orphanage residue! Those behaviors that I just can't imagine he would have had he gone straight from his birth momma into my arms. One way this "residue" reveals itself is in some of Max's really strange behaviors. For example he as the uncanny ability to turn a light meal of 1/2 of a sandwich and some chips into an hour and a half event. Why? Why? On those days no amount of "Max eat" will get the boy to eat more quickly. He'll flay his arms around throw his head into action, but when it's all said and done he hasn't actually eaten any faster and sometimes he hasn't actually even gotten a bite into his mouth. I think maybe meal time was the time when the kids got the most attention so he really stretches it out...that's just a guess though.

Another behavior, which I have mentioned several times I believe, has to do with his head. He leads with his head, head down and he's off. It is actually quite unnerving to look up and see his head coming at you. Generally because there is going to be pain involved...my pain! While we are carrying him he will arch his back and throw his head back, not in a fit, just for the sensation I suppose. Invariably he will hit is head because he generally seems to do this as we walk through a door or next to a wall. He then is hurting and looks at whoever is carrying him like "why did you do that?". It doesn't matter how many times we explain for him NOT to do that, he can't seem to stop the impulse.

He rubs his head on everything! The floor, walls, people...he loves to feel things with his head. It's not uncommon for me to find him in my bedroom butt in the air, head on the carpet walking along. If I've said "Max get off your head" once I've said it 1,ooo times! (I actually think this particular residue is beginning to fade...Prasie the Lord!) But his head thing is still there, when he climbs up onto the furniture he doesn't do it with his legs/knees, he does it with this head, butt in the air, messing up his hair and the pillows and whatever else might be in the way because you can't get on the couch by means of your head without requiring a lot of space!

Another less favorable residue was the storing of food in his mouth, I think that is very, very common among former orphans. "Max swallow" "Max swallow" was my mantra for months. Not so much anymore. But if he gets in a hurry...which is rare at mealtime...he will cram it all in there and then want to run off to swallow at some future time. So I still tend to check his mouth before I let him get down from the table...especially if he is in a hurry to move on.

He has a huge need for us all to be at his beck and call. "Here's my trash mommy." "I want my drink" as it is being passed through the window from the McDonald's worker! (That might have a little bit to do with patience.) "I will eat out of the red, or blue, or yellow, bowl today." "Daddy is going to pray for dinner." "I want some salt please" (mommy starts to take a bite) "and some pepper please" (mommy tries for bit again) "I don't have a stapoon (spoon)" (mommy loses her mind and tells him to eat without it...of course it's soup so a stapoon he gets!) All alone none of these things sound very bad, and they aren't bad, but after an entire day of the constant demands, they can wear you down! It's a bit like the middle school child who is forever saying rude things, but when you confront said middle schooler on any one thing you sound ridiculous, however when the entire day has been spent hearing the little barbs you're at your wits end! Same kind of principle.


One of the really bad left overs from orphan life is disobedience! It is driving us insane. The boy does not think he really has to do anything we tell him to, or not to, do. If I tell him "no" he goes to his dad or one of the girls and asks again...often times right in front of me! If we tell him no he'll go somewhere else and do it anyway. Which requires that we stay a step ahead...a pipe dream at best!

On the flip side of the disobedience is a rather strong sense of honesty. He made a mess in the car last night and was very frustrated he couldn't see the mess, didn't have a napkin and was stuck with a small amount of ice cream on his shirt until we got home. I told him to leave it alone, ignore it, or he would make a a bigger mess. He couldn't stop talking about the worker who didn't give him a napkin.

I said "Max are you still touching the ice cream on your shirt?"

Max ~ "Yes".

Me ~ "Max I told you to leave it alone, not to touch it. Remember? Max you must obey, every single time"

Max ~ "Yes, Okay, Mommy I will leave it alone."

Getting him out of his car seat

Me ~ "Max you are still messing with the ice cream on your shirt. Do you see it's all over your fingers now"

Max ~ "I know Mommy, I real sorry about that."

I then told him he was about to lose the rest of his ice cream for not obeying, at which time he stopped touching the mess until I was able to clean it up.

Obedience is huge in our house...not that is has taken hold with our family very well! But we very uptight about obedience. If our kids don't obey us how will they learn to obey Christ? Therefore, we are not parents to laugh off disobedience with a wink and a pat. When our kids disobey we believe it is huge and deal with it. Of course the older they get the harder it is and the more the lines get blurred. "Mom I was busy. I didn't understand I had to do *** right now, I thought I could do it later. etc, etc." Sometimes these are legitimate, sometimes not and each time we have to decide where to draw that line, to err on the side of grace of discipline. BUT with a 5 year old the lines are much more clear, don't touch means don't touch. Stay in your room means...you get the point.

Even this behavior I can see related to being in a large orphanage with, at times, little supervision. I can see the wheels in his head turning when I tell him he can't do something and a few minutes later he's doing it. This has to be in part related to the fact that if he was told no at BFF, his orphanage, he could walk to another part of the building and do it without anyone being any the wiser, and if the worker did discover he was disobeying a sweet smile and laugh must have gone a long way, because the boy has charm oozing out of him!

Of course for every behavior I have mentioned here, and this is just the tip, some well meaning know-it-all will tell me he just sounds like a normal 5 yr old, or 4 yr old or whatever the case may be. That's true in many ways these are normal behaviors, but in many ways they are not. Our influence on Max is less, at the age of 5, then it was on our other kids at the age of 5. He spends much more time doing what he has been told not to do than the other kids did at the same age. Obviously, he's only been with us for 10 months there isn't the long history of love and trust and influence. These things must grow and develop.

His charm and manipulation are remarkably over developed for a 5 year old while his emotional development is largely delayed. Which I think answers the question why he does not obey and then honestly admits to his disobedience. He doesn't connect the action of disobedience with the reaction of discipline. In some ways one hopes he never will so he continues to tell the truth, but if he never relates action to reaction he'll never be motivated to be obedient. It's a Catch 22 to be sure!