Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Big Change
The name of this post comes from a bonding book I have read over and over. The author encourages the adoptive parent to refer to coming home as the big change. She encourages parents to talk about the change with the child and help the child walk through all that has happened in his life. This is in hopes of helping the child reconcile his two worlds into one person. I happen to agree with much of what this author propagates, others don't which is fine. It makes sense to me to talk about his former and present life. It makes sense to me to make his old life as much of his new life as we possibly can. Of course we can't speak the language nor can I recreate the orphanage atmosphere, thank goodness!, but I can talk to him a lot and often.
Last night, before bed, Max and I talked a long time about staying at Bann Daddy or going back to the orphanage Bann Faang Fah. Of course my Thai is worse than bad and although Max understands a lot of English he doesn't speak well enough to really express what he is thinking...oh and he's 4! He misses playing soccer at BFF and he misses Nithit, his best friend who came to American in April. I think he forgot Nithit was gone the last 2 months he was there. I don't think Max has any understanding of forever, and I don't see how he could understand this is permanent. I also don't think he is biding his time until he can return to the orphanage. There are definitely things he misses, freedom is probably close to the top of that list. He had a lot of freedom to come and go as he pleased and to do mostly what he wanted to do. He seems to have set his own schedule, not napping or going to bed at the same time as the other kids. He misses the elevated status of being a favored child, although we love him dearly we work really hard not to make our lives and our home about him. I'm not sure how well we accomplish that but we are working on it.
When Max finally settled down to go to sleep his eyes were sad. He wanted me to hold him longer before going to sleep than usual, but he didn't want me to sing. I would love to fool myself and believe that Max's life in Thailand is completely over, that he understands perfectly what parents are, what forever is and that he embraces the changes in his life. If I did so though, I believe, it would be more harmful than good. I would love to ignore that he might be sad about leaving his second home, the home after being with his birth mom, I would love to think that he has no fondness for his former life and it would be even better if he had no memory of that life. But he does remember, he does still grieve and if I don't walk through it with him who will? If I chose to dwell on the surface of things, and just believe that everything is fine in his heart, how would I be helping him? Max hurts sometimes, he desires for things to be different, he sometimes wants to go home. He is never belligerent, well never is an overstatement, but he isn't a belligerent child. Nor is he an unpleasant child. (Of course what parent thinks his child is unpleasant!) He whines at times but we are working that out of him. He rarely sulks or throws a fit. He cries at times when he doesn't get his way, but even then to call it a fit would generally be an overstatement. He isn't even slightly aggressive, and although he plays hard with Veldon and Hayden, I've never seen him hit or attempt to hurt anyone on purpose. He runs and plays and tries to get his own way by being persistent, but he is slowly coming to understand that his mother is more stubborn than he and we are coming to an understanding. He loves to know the boundaries and limits and then attempts to cross them, but he also complies. It's hard to put in words what we are walking through daily. He is such a pleasant and smart child. When other children have been aggressive with him he walks away, he doesn't get ruffled or even seem discouraged he just leaves. That has to be from being in the orphanage and understanding that sometimes being hit is just a way of life. He also doesn't seem to hold a grudge against the child who is aggressive and plays again with the child willingly. People see him playing a church and believe he must be such a rambunctious child, but he really isn't. He plays quietly a lot and doesn't run around yelling and screaming and whacking things.
Sometimes I am jealous for the time we have missed with him. Sometimes I am jealous of the fact that he isn't always completely happy here and he believes he would be happy back at BFF. Those are just my human feelings, my heart understands that Max had a huge change and someday, surely, he will see that what we did, taking him away from everything he knew, we did for his good because we love him and want him to have the very best life has to offer.
Last night, before bed, Max and I talked a long time about staying at Bann Daddy or going back to the orphanage Bann Faang Fah. Of course my Thai is worse than bad and although Max understands a lot of English he doesn't speak well enough to really express what he is thinking...oh and he's 4! He misses playing soccer at BFF and he misses Nithit, his best friend who came to American in April. I think he forgot Nithit was gone the last 2 months he was there. I don't think Max has any understanding of forever, and I don't see how he could understand this is permanent. I also don't think he is biding his time until he can return to the orphanage. There are definitely things he misses, freedom is probably close to the top of that list. He had a lot of freedom to come and go as he pleased and to do mostly what he wanted to do. He seems to have set his own schedule, not napping or going to bed at the same time as the other kids. He misses the elevated status of being a favored child, although we love him dearly we work really hard not to make our lives and our home about him. I'm not sure how well we accomplish that but we are working on it.
When Max finally settled down to go to sleep his eyes were sad. He wanted me to hold him longer before going to sleep than usual, but he didn't want me to sing. I would love to fool myself and believe that Max's life in Thailand is completely over, that he understands perfectly what parents are, what forever is and that he embraces the changes in his life. If I did so though, I believe, it would be more harmful than good. I would love to ignore that he might be sad about leaving his second home, the home after being with his birth mom, I would love to think that he has no fondness for his former life and it would be even better if he had no memory of that life. But he does remember, he does still grieve and if I don't walk through it with him who will? If I chose to dwell on the surface of things, and just believe that everything is fine in his heart, how would I be helping him? Max hurts sometimes, he desires for things to be different, he sometimes wants to go home. He is never belligerent, well never is an overstatement, but he isn't a belligerent child. Nor is he an unpleasant child. (Of course what parent thinks his child is unpleasant!) He whines at times but we are working that out of him. He rarely sulks or throws a fit. He cries at times when he doesn't get his way, but even then to call it a fit would generally be an overstatement. He isn't even slightly aggressive, and although he plays hard with Veldon and Hayden, I've never seen him hit or attempt to hurt anyone on purpose. He runs and plays and tries to get his own way by being persistent, but he is slowly coming to understand that his mother is more stubborn than he and we are coming to an understanding. He loves to know the boundaries and limits and then attempts to cross them, but he also complies. It's hard to put in words what we are walking through daily. He is such a pleasant and smart child. When other children have been aggressive with him he walks away, he doesn't get ruffled or even seem discouraged he just leaves. That has to be from being in the orphanage and understanding that sometimes being hit is just a way of life. He also doesn't seem to hold a grudge against the child who is aggressive and plays again with the child willingly. People see him playing a church and believe he must be such a rambunctious child, but he really isn't. He plays quietly a lot and doesn't run around yelling and screaming and whacking things.
Sometimes I am jealous for the time we have missed with him. Sometimes I am jealous of the fact that he isn't always completely happy here and he believes he would be happy back at BFF. Those are just my human feelings, my heart understands that Max had a huge change and someday, surely, he will see that what we did, taking him away from everything he knew, we did for his good because we love him and want him to have the very best life has to offer.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Growing into a Family
Wow ~ Has it really been a week since I last updated my blog? I need to be more consistent or I will forget all these wonderful moments we are having with Max.
There aren't a lot of great interesting stories to tell about my sweet boy this week. He is bonding with his siblings...if driving them crazy is a form of bonding, which I think it is! He is acutely aware of the world around him and watches everything. He knows Katie is the next above him and chooses to never, ever, ever do anything she says, as a matter of fact he will often do the exact opposite just to let her know he knows she's not as old as the others. He wants to figure it all out! He points to every brick church we pass by and says "Glenda", our church secretary and one of his all time favorite people, and when Veldon leaves for work Max runs around saying Daddy go "la la la". He's making connections and applying what he is learning. He is practicing English and working hard to be understood. He copies everything we say, I mean everything, so we have to be very, very careful and some of his English words sound a little iffy so we work on those most ardently!
One of the best things I'm seeing is his connection to us, his family. Not in an annoying younger brother way, but in a "I am a part of these people" way. Max watches me to see how I react to situations and people. He mimics emotions I display. If I am worried or upset he is unsettled, if I laugh off a situation he will too, generally. He is looking to us, and me specifically because most of his time is spent with me, for how to relate to the world around him. That is a huge trust step. For him to look to us and trust our emotions means he is attaching to us. Attachment isn't something that happens in a moment, or a day or a month, not even with an infant. It's a process of creating trust through having one's needs met and being protected. Max has been with Veldon or me constantly since the moment we picked him up. He sleeps with us, sits with us, watches TV with us and goes wherever we go. Constant interaction is very, very necessary for orphans, they need to see the parent/s as the one/s who provide all that is good and safe. They need to feel safe when they sleep, when they eat and when they are in a new situation. The only way to accomplish this is through saturation. The old "quality time is better than quantity" is bunk. Kids, and especially orphans, need lots and lots of time. We've spent tons and tons of time with Max and we will spend a lot more. I'm not sharing any of this to toot my own horn, more to reflect on what we have been doing and the joy of seeing him respond. The joy of having influence on him. He wants to please us, he seeks to do what we want. He's a child and acts like it, don't get me wrong, but he really is striving to figure out what we want and do it. We decided when we chose to adopt that we would deal with bonding and issues head on. Just like our biological children. We decided that we would make them obey us when they were young, no matter how much work it was, so that when they were older they would obey, we would have influence. Our older kids make mistakes and make poor choices, but there's never a moment when I fear they don't care what we think. I've never wondered what we were going to do or how we were going to get them in line. The boundaries were created years ago and they are still strong. The same idea is true for Max, the foundation is being laid for trust and influence with every moment we spend with him. Every time he rolls over and feels us sleeping next to him, every time he cries and is carried, every time he requires discipline and then is immediately loved on to reassure him that we do in fact love him we are creating bonds and attachment that will reassure him that the world is safe and we are safe!
So although I really have no funny stories to share. I am so thrilled with the way our life is rolling along. I'm thrilled with the new normal we have settled in to. I'm so thankful God has brought Max home and I'm thankful God chose for others to love him before we did.
There aren't a lot of great interesting stories to tell about my sweet boy this week. He is bonding with his siblings...if driving them crazy is a form of bonding, which I think it is! He is acutely aware of the world around him and watches everything. He knows Katie is the next above him and chooses to never, ever, ever do anything she says, as a matter of fact he will often do the exact opposite just to let her know he knows she's not as old as the others. He wants to figure it all out! He points to every brick church we pass by and says "Glenda", our church secretary and one of his all time favorite people, and when Veldon leaves for work Max runs around saying Daddy go "la la la". He's making connections and applying what he is learning. He is practicing English and working hard to be understood. He copies everything we say, I mean everything, so we have to be very, very careful and some of his English words sound a little iffy so we work on those most ardently!
One of the best things I'm seeing is his connection to us, his family. Not in an annoying younger brother way, but in a "I am a part of these people" way. Max watches me to see how I react to situations and people. He mimics emotions I display. If I am worried or upset he is unsettled, if I laugh off a situation he will too, generally. He is looking to us, and me specifically because most of his time is spent with me, for how to relate to the world around him. That is a huge trust step. For him to look to us and trust our emotions means he is attaching to us. Attachment isn't something that happens in a moment, or a day or a month, not even with an infant. It's a process of creating trust through having one's needs met and being protected. Max has been with Veldon or me constantly since the moment we picked him up. He sleeps with us, sits with us, watches TV with us and goes wherever we go. Constant interaction is very, very necessary for orphans, they need to see the parent/s as the one/s who provide all that is good and safe. They need to feel safe when they sleep, when they eat and when they are in a new situation. The only way to accomplish this is through saturation. The old "quality time is better than quantity" is bunk. Kids, and especially orphans, need lots and lots of time. We've spent tons and tons of time with Max and we will spend a lot more. I'm not sharing any of this to toot my own horn, more to reflect on what we have been doing and the joy of seeing him respond. The joy of having influence on him. He wants to please us, he seeks to do what we want. He's a child and acts like it, don't get me wrong, but he really is striving to figure out what we want and do it. We decided when we chose to adopt that we would deal with bonding and issues head on. Just like our biological children. We decided that we would make them obey us when they were young, no matter how much work it was, so that when they were older they would obey, we would have influence. Our older kids make mistakes and make poor choices, but there's never a moment when I fear they don't care what we think. I've never wondered what we were going to do or how we were going to get them in line. The boundaries were created years ago and they are still strong. The same idea is true for Max, the foundation is being laid for trust and influence with every moment we spend with him. Every time he rolls over and feels us sleeping next to him, every time he cries and is carried, every time he requires discipline and then is immediately loved on to reassure him that we do in fact love him we are creating bonds and attachment that will reassure him that the world is safe and we are safe!
So although I really have no funny stories to share. I am so thrilled with the way our life is rolling along. I'm thrilled with the new normal we have settled in to. I'm so thankful God has brought Max home and I'm thankful God chose for others to love him before we did.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Life
Well, it seems that our son is like an onion, every time we think we are figuring things out we find there are more issues. Our adorable boy has quite a road ahead of him. Today we met with a urologist who has now referred us to a pediatric endocrinologist. We should see him next week. The urologist believes, obviously, that there are some growth issues afoot with Max. Hopefully we will get some good answers from the endocrinologist. Sweet Max is no dummy and as soon as we pulled up to the door of the doctor's building he began to cry and say "jep" ~ hurt. He knows doctors hurt and he doesn't know they hurt for good reasons. There isn't anything we can do to alleviate his fear. He's been in and out of the hospital so many times he is fully aware that pain is generally involved. Hopefully he will learn to be comforted by us, but for now we all struggle through it the best we can.
On a completely different note...Max, ever the curious boy, managed to lock me out of the house yesterday. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to, I wouldn't bet my life on that, but I think he was just playing with the door lock and voila it locked! Ironically had I asked him to lock the door I am sure he would have never been able to do it. We took the dogs out yesterday morning, to do their business, and Max said "it is hot Mommy" and went back inside. He started talking to me and waving at me through the side light windows. I turned to look at the dogs and heard "click" for a split second I wondered what the sound was and then it hit me. He had locked the door! I turned around, he was smiling through the window completely unaware of what he had done, I think, and was waving again. I pointed to the lock and told him to unlock the door. The sweet boy tried and tried, but to no avail. Thankfully, I am thinking at that moment, Katie is in the house so I will ring the door bell and she will come and open the door. Ten minutes later, that's right ten minutes and Katie is still not answering the door even though I am beating on it, ringing the doorbell like a mad woman and yelling her name. Eventually I sent Max to get Katie. He found her watching a moving in MY bedroom, while I'm in the 100 degree heat locked out, he found her and climbed up on to the bed and watched the movie with her. At least he was safe...should have been my thought, but honestly I wanted to crown both of them! I contemplated going to the neighbors to call my house or my husband (I would have had to figure out which was safer for the kids because they weren't on my happy list), calling Veldon would have won, but I was wearing capris and a tank top with most of my unmentionables (up top) showing and I just couldn't bring myself to walk barefoot and half dressed to my prim and proper neighbor's house, although she really is a lovely girl! (Never mind the fact that she likely heard me beating on my front door and screaming my daughter's name.) I now determine that I am going to have to engage my brain to get into the house. I decide to walk up the back stairs, perhaps throw a rock at my bedroom window and get my 12 year old's attention, and beat on the kitchen door. As I am heading that way, still barefoot on the really, really hot concrete I remember that Veldon doesn't have a working garage door opener for one side of the garage, the side he likes to walk out of, so he had (yes had, until yesterday morning) been leaving the garage door open. My spirit restored I quickly walk around to the garage...closed of course. BUT there sits Hayden's car and all I can do is hope and pray it is unlocked with a garage door opener in it...HOORAY...yes to both. Of course, that opens a whole new can of worms like how safe is our house if you can just open the car door, push the opener and get in..hmmm. We'll have to think about that one soon. So poof I am in the house and feeling really not happy at all! I quietly call Katie's name, at the top of my lungs, and when she comes out of my room, wide-eyed and wondering about my angry voice, I proceed to find out why she would ignore the door bell for at least 10 minutes. She looks completely blank at me and said "Mom I thought you were messing around with the dogs, Max did too he even yelled for you to stop it!" Really??? Max wanted me to stop ringing the doorbell? How about Max tell his sister that Mommy is locked out? How about Max take Katie's hand and lead her to the door because clearly she wasn't going to figure it out on her own! How about Max NEVER touch another deadbolt!! So after soundly chastising Katie, who is 12, to think a little when the door bell rings over and over and over..you get the point, Max and I also had a little chat at the front door in my best Thai and my calmest (kind of ) English. We decided that he is to never, never, never, touch any lock again. We then had to walk around the house, a little later and calmer, and discuss which doorknobs Max could touch and which he could not touch. A little shadow comes across his face every time he looks at a doorknob now, I'm not sure if it was the lecture or my really bad use of the Thai language. Whatever the cause hopefully he won't be locking me or anyone else out in the near future.
Later yesterday afternoon, after the lock out incident of 2011 as it's come to be known, we went swimming and I'm pretty sure that my getting a little frustrated (okay angry) with the boy didn't create any trust issues based on the way he clung to me and eventually allowed me to let go, while standing really close so he could float on his own. I think I am probably the most scarred from the lock out, it was really hot and I hate, hate, hate to sweat!!!
On a completely different note...Max, ever the curious boy, managed to lock me out of the house yesterday. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to, I wouldn't bet my life on that, but I think he was just playing with the door lock and voila it locked! Ironically had I asked him to lock the door I am sure he would have never been able to do it. We took the dogs out yesterday morning, to do their business, and Max said "it is hot Mommy" and went back inside. He started talking to me and waving at me through the side light windows. I turned to look at the dogs and heard "click" for a split second I wondered what the sound was and then it hit me. He had locked the door! I turned around, he was smiling through the window completely unaware of what he had done, I think, and was waving again. I pointed to the lock and told him to unlock the door. The sweet boy tried and tried, but to no avail. Thankfully, I am thinking at that moment, Katie is in the house so I will ring the door bell and she will come and open the door. Ten minutes later, that's right ten minutes and Katie is still not answering the door even though I am beating on it, ringing the doorbell like a mad woman and yelling her name. Eventually I sent Max to get Katie. He found her watching a moving in MY bedroom, while I'm in the 100 degree heat locked out, he found her and climbed up on to the bed and watched the movie with her. At least he was safe...should have been my thought, but honestly I wanted to crown both of them! I contemplated going to the neighbors to call my house or my husband (I would have had to figure out which was safer for the kids because they weren't on my happy list), calling Veldon would have won, but I was wearing capris and a tank top with most of my unmentionables (up top) showing and I just couldn't bring myself to walk barefoot and half dressed to my prim and proper neighbor's house, although she really is a lovely girl! (Never mind the fact that she likely heard me beating on my front door and screaming my daughter's name.) I now determine that I am going to have to engage my brain to get into the house. I decide to walk up the back stairs, perhaps throw a rock at my bedroom window and get my 12 year old's attention, and beat on the kitchen door. As I am heading that way, still barefoot on the really, really hot concrete I remember that Veldon doesn't have a working garage door opener for one side of the garage, the side he likes to walk out of, so he had (yes had, until yesterday morning) been leaving the garage door open. My spirit restored I quickly walk around to the garage...closed of course. BUT there sits Hayden's car and all I can do is hope and pray it is unlocked with a garage door opener in it...HOORAY...yes to both. Of course, that opens a whole new can of worms like how safe is our house if you can just open the car door, push the opener and get in..hmmm. We'll have to think about that one soon. So poof I am in the house and feeling really not happy at all! I quietly call Katie's name, at the top of my lungs, and when she comes out of my room, wide-eyed and wondering about my angry voice, I proceed to find out why she would ignore the door bell for at least 10 minutes. She looks completely blank at me and said "Mom I thought you were messing around with the dogs, Max did too he even yelled for you to stop it!" Really??? Max wanted me to stop ringing the doorbell? How about Max tell his sister that Mommy is locked out? How about Max take Katie's hand and lead her to the door because clearly she wasn't going to figure it out on her own! How about Max NEVER touch another deadbolt!! So after soundly chastising Katie, who is 12, to think a little when the door bell rings over and over and over..you get the point, Max and I also had a little chat at the front door in my best Thai and my calmest (kind of ) English. We decided that he is to never, never, never, touch any lock again. We then had to walk around the house, a little later and calmer, and discuss which doorknobs Max could touch and which he could not touch. A little shadow comes across his face every time he looks at a doorknob now, I'm not sure if it was the lecture or my really bad use of the Thai language. Whatever the cause hopefully he won't be locking me or anyone else out in the near future.
Later yesterday afternoon, after the lock out incident of 2011 as it's come to be known, we went swimming and I'm pretty sure that my getting a little frustrated (okay angry) with the boy didn't create any trust issues based on the way he clung to me and eventually allowed me to let go, while standing really close so he could float on his own. I think I am probably the most scarred from the lock out, it was really hot and I hate, hate, hate to sweat!!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Benefits to having a Mommy....
Max has learned over the course of last 6 weeks that there are benefits to having a grown up completely dedicated to his care.
Here are a few...
Someone to ~
- kick ALL night long. She never seems to mind, and I wake up refreshed!
- make sure all the body parts actually get washed while in the tub. I tried to wash myself at first but she insists so I don't give it a second thought now.
- smear lotion all over my body after my bath, I generally direct the best way to accomplish this goal, she takes instruction well.
- walk down the stairs hundreds of times a day to retrieve the ball I purposefully kicked over the railing (Mommy actually caught on to this...eventually!!)
- wipe me several times a day because apparently I can go #2 at will so when I'm bored I do!
- be my personal maid and clean up after me...I didn't realize this benefit at first but I have figured it out now!
- gripe to about the terrible medicine she keeps giving me, it's not working yet but I'm going to keep trying she seems pretty pliable.
- say "good boy" all day long, sometimes she forgets so I remind her.
- pour me countless drinks which I sometimes drink and I sometimes don't, she doesn't seem to mind either way.
- carry me when I don't feel like walking, which is often...it's tiring being 4.
- dress me every day. I sometimes complain about the clothes but I put them on anyway, I don't want to discourage her.
- share whatever she has with me. All I have to do is smile and say "pease".
- wipe my face after a meal and several times during...I don't need to be bothered with such prosaic activities.
- hold me and sing to me when it's bed time. I try to encourage her by singing those songs throughout the day, my favorite is "You are My Sunshine".
- be there every time I turn around...this is the very best benefit. She kisses my boo boos and brushes my hair, she dances with me and twirls me around and laughs at all the funny things I do. I'm pretty sure I like this arrangement, so I'm going to keep her around!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Mumps, Scabies, Strep...
Just to mention a few things that have been going around our house since we returned from the other side of the world. Even my poor parents, it seems, have had to suffer through the mumps, having been here when we got home. The good news is we are now on the other side of most of these. Max still has some parasite issues that we are treating with medicine, but other than that things seem to be settling down.
Hayden and Allison left for Costa Rica on Sat. morning. Early, early Sat. morning. We haven't been able to speak to them but I would guess they are still rather tired from basically being up all night Friday night and traveling all day on Sat. Veldon was planning to go but once the mumps got a hold of me he decided he would do better to stay home and make sure the house didn't fall down. I very much appreciate having him home. Although I am past most of the affects of the virus I am still pretty drained. Katie is free and clear tomorrow, although the CDC encouraged us not be out and about too much for a couple days after. Just to be safe I suppose.
Things with Max are stilling going very well. Who knows after six months. For some families that's the magic number when things get really rough. I read countless blogs of families doing great until the last home visit is complete and the child goes crazy! I'm not saying that will happen for us, but the possibility exists and I might as well be aware of it. Of course, as ever it is in God's hands and He won't allow us to walk through anything that hasn't passed through His hand. He is picking up more language everyday and is so proud of himself when he does. This morning he said medicine like he has been saying it his whole life...of course he still can't say girl so go figure! He asks us all the time "you okay?". It's very sweet. He is asking for "water" instead of nahm, and says "eat" as often as gin. He has also noticed that a good part of the family is gone and yesterday every time the garage door opened he yelled "Hayden, Allison". He misses them and will be happy for their return. We all miss them and will be glad for them to come home this Friday.
Max has an appointment this week with the urologist. We'll be glad to start having some answers. Other than that things are fine.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Home Free, not yet, Free
The struggles of an adopted child aren't over the moment they run joyfully, or not so joyfully, into their parent's arms. In many ways the struggles are just beginning. Imagine a world where you have NO choice, NO rights and NO say in what goes on around you. Imagine that you are stripped of everything and everyone you know. Your language, your friends, your culture, your identity...all gone and then imagine being expected to function in the new world, in which you have been involuntarily placed, within a few mere days. This is, to some degree, what every adopted child goes through. Maybe the language doesn't change...if the adoption is domestic, but traditions change, and the vernacular of the family in which they are placed will be different and they must learn all of it from scratch. From the moment an orphan is abandoned his/her life is turned upside down. There will be a string of people in and out, some kind others indifferent and even those who abuse. Their "home" will change as they are transferred from orphanage to orphanage. They might have episodes in and out of the hospital with yet new care givers and new sets of expectations and change. If they are lucky there are a few workers in their orphanage who love them and teach them how to love, if they are less lucky they will live life in isolation, even when others are around they are left in cribs alone to entertain themselves, changed and fed quickly without care or concern.
This is the world my little boy has come from. He was dropped off at the orphanage when he was barely six weeks old, he was transferred to another part of the orphanage when he was 3 months old. He was then in and out of the hospitals and sick wards for illnesses and surgeries. We have no way of knowing who, if anyone, sat with him. We have no way of knowing what type of care he received. We can imagine that he saw workers come and go, in and out of his life with not so much as a glance to look back. We can assume that his life was consistently inconsistent with changes in personalities that he had to adapt to in order to survive. From the moment he was dropped off on May 3, 2007 until the day he was picked up by us June 2, 2011 he lived his life alone in the world, connecting to those who cared and surviving less ideal workers and situations.
Knowing this about the orphan at large my son in particular, I am stunned at those who have little to no understanding about the orphan or my son yet have such strong opinions as to what we should, or will, be doing. Knowing what I do about attachment and bonding I am surprised that anyone would suggest, even with a look, that I am strange or wrong not to place my son in other situations that might be similar to an orphanage. How do I explain to a Thai speaking boy with little trust that nothing is changing when I drop him off with new people? Based on his past and his present we have no plans to place him in a nursery or a preschool, outside the preschool where I work because I must work to pay the other three's tuition, or any other institutionalized care. He will not be put in childcare situations that might confuse or distress him. He is not a biological child who went from womb to family with no interference, no trauma. The choices we are making for Max will be different than the choices we made for the other three children. It will likely be at least a year before he really gets that he is here for good. Although Veldon and I are around constantly he still doesn't have any understanding of parents and forever. He knows we are mommy and daddy because that's what he calls us not because of any past history that he can draw on that reminds him that we meet his needs, care for him and are safe. We are the safest people he knows right now, but in many, many ways he still considers us little more than nice caregivers who meet his needs. The bond and attachment will come as we consistently meet his needs, as we consistently remain front and center in his life. Others will come and go but we will remain. He will attach as he understands that we aren't two of many but that we don't change, we don't go anywhere. That doesn't come in a few days, weeks or months. It comes with time, lots of time. Four years will never be erased from his life, but hopefully those years will only be a very small part of who he is and how he sees his world, but it is up to us to teach him the world is safe and consistent and there is permanency in it. We are permanent.
So please, unless you have brought home a 4 year old with Max's history, don't think you know what is best for Max or our family. Please know that every decision we make for our son, the son that God entrusted to us, is for his good and not our benefit. I don't keep him with me always because it fills some need in me, it doesn't. It fills a need in him. He needs to know, for the long term, that nothing is changing. There are no more orphanages, no more crying alone, no more wondering what the next caregiver will be like. He has a mommy and daddy now and they worry about his care and his survival and meeting his needs. He can now relax and be 4, but relaxing won't happen over night or over a summer. It will be long time. We are walking this road with him, we are doing what we believe he needs, and if in the end we are wrong we will stand before our heavenly Father and agree with Him that we blew it!
This post isn't meant to be harsh, but I so wonder at those who haven't walked this road, aren't on this journey in any way, and their opinions. He is the very best off with us and that's where he will remain. So pray for our family and trust that those prayers are being answered by a most faithful Heavenly Father who adopted us and has taught us to trust Him through His constant presence in our lives.
This is the world my little boy has come from. He was dropped off at the orphanage when he was barely six weeks old, he was transferred to another part of the orphanage when he was 3 months old. He was then in and out of the hospitals and sick wards for illnesses and surgeries. We have no way of knowing who, if anyone, sat with him. We have no way of knowing what type of care he received. We can imagine that he saw workers come and go, in and out of his life with not so much as a glance to look back. We can assume that his life was consistently inconsistent with changes in personalities that he had to adapt to in order to survive. From the moment he was dropped off on May 3, 2007 until the day he was picked up by us June 2, 2011 he lived his life alone in the world, connecting to those who cared and surviving less ideal workers and situations.
Knowing this about the orphan at large my son in particular, I am stunned at those who have little to no understanding about the orphan or my son yet have such strong opinions as to what we should, or will, be doing. Knowing what I do about attachment and bonding I am surprised that anyone would suggest, even with a look, that I am strange or wrong not to place my son in other situations that might be similar to an orphanage. How do I explain to a Thai speaking boy with little trust that nothing is changing when I drop him off with new people? Based on his past and his present we have no plans to place him in a nursery or a preschool, outside the preschool where I work because I must work to pay the other three's tuition, or any other institutionalized care. He will not be put in childcare situations that might confuse or distress him. He is not a biological child who went from womb to family with no interference, no trauma. The choices we are making for Max will be different than the choices we made for the other three children. It will likely be at least a year before he really gets that he is here for good. Although Veldon and I are around constantly he still doesn't have any understanding of parents and forever. He knows we are mommy and daddy because that's what he calls us not because of any past history that he can draw on that reminds him that we meet his needs, care for him and are safe. We are the safest people he knows right now, but in many, many ways he still considers us little more than nice caregivers who meet his needs. The bond and attachment will come as we consistently meet his needs, as we consistently remain front and center in his life. Others will come and go but we will remain. He will attach as he understands that we aren't two of many but that we don't change, we don't go anywhere. That doesn't come in a few days, weeks or months. It comes with time, lots of time. Four years will never be erased from his life, but hopefully those years will only be a very small part of who he is and how he sees his world, but it is up to us to teach him the world is safe and consistent and there is permanency in it. We are permanent.
So please, unless you have brought home a 4 year old with Max's history, don't think you know what is best for Max or our family. Please know that every decision we make for our son, the son that God entrusted to us, is for his good and not our benefit. I don't keep him with me always because it fills some need in me, it doesn't. It fills a need in him. He needs to know, for the long term, that nothing is changing. There are no more orphanages, no more crying alone, no more wondering what the next caregiver will be like. He has a mommy and daddy now and they worry about his care and his survival and meeting his needs. He can now relax and be 4, but relaxing won't happen over night or over a summer. It will be long time. We are walking this road with him, we are doing what we believe he needs, and if in the end we are wrong we will stand before our heavenly Father and agree with Him that we blew it!
This post isn't meant to be harsh, but I so wonder at those who haven't walked this road, aren't on this journey in any way, and their opinions. He is the very best off with us and that's where he will remain. So pray for our family and trust that those prayers are being answered by a most faithful Heavenly Father who adopted us and has taught us to trust Him through His constant presence in our lives.
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