This Child of my Heart...

There's a little boy living thousands of miles away from his family, his siblings, his life. The call from our agency this week confirmed what I knew would be the outcome of our agency's long anticipated trip to Thailand. No referral. He will continue to wait for the one form that will get his adoption moving. We have no control over this process, a process that has in so many ways has shaken my faith and left my heart bleeding. We have no one to appeal to save our Heavenly Father and right now those appeals seem largely unheard. As others are getting news of travel to Thailand and picking up their children, one little boy seems largely forgotten, passed over by our Father. Although I try and try I can't come to any conclusions as to why this sweet little boy, with the big brown eyes, still sits in an orphanage waiting.

We have prayed and begged God to move our adoption forward...to no avail. We have fasted and claimed scripture...nothing. I have wondered about my motivations, I have begged God to tell me if we've made a mistake and we are not to adopt this child...silence. There are no good feelings in me right now. My logic is working alone to trust God because my heart is rebelling in ways I dare not share. I will share this though, there's this part of me that wonders if this is too big for God...I know! If God can't deal with this than everything I have believed about Him for so long would be wrong...but more importantly His Word would be wrong...which could never be! But my rebellious heart still lends the question with amazing frequency. Maybe some how these questions from my heart that defy the Word of God and even defy my own knowledge are creating this situation, maybe my lack of faithfulness is bringing about this wait...how do I combat that? I pray I read I study...but I still doubt. If that is the case then all hope is lost because I am struggling so right now.

I struggle with all talk of adoption right now. I steer clear of conversations about my feelings and this adoption except with a few whom I deeply trust. I'm not sure how to walk through the rest of the wait with grace. I so want to throw a fit and get God's attention, but of course if doing my best to be faithful and to seek Him through this process doesn't have His attention then a sinful fit surely would not bring the attention I desire! It's not for me to understand, I know that, but I do wonder why some orphans come home so quickly. I wonder why there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for our wait...his wait...and yet we are all waiting. Is God's concern for some greater than His concern for others? I don't think so, but in my humanity I can't figure it out. I have to trust the mystery of His will. I know that! I have to trust His heart...I know that too. I have to trust His Word. I know that. I know, I know, I know, but then it seems I don't. When He is silent for so long I fail and I have failed over and over again.

We will continue to wait. I'm not sure we'll ever recover from this pain. I'm not sure how we could. I know if and when Max comes home it will feel better, but I'll always miss these wasted months that he could have been home. I'll always miss that for too long I didn't tuck him into bed and care for his needs...how do we recover from that?

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!
Habakkuk 2:3

15 Months

We have now started our 15th month of waiting for the referral. There's really nothing new to report. The same info from the agency, they expect it any time, aren't sure why it hasn't come yet, blah, blah, blah... The agency is scheduled to travel on Aug. 15 to see the children they represent as well as add new children to their list to advocate for. We can send a list of questions we would like answered...my only real question is where the heck is our referral? That's really all I care about. Perhaps I should be caring about how well he sleeps or what his favorite activities are, but what's the point in knowing all of that if he never actually gets here? I don't understand. I would like our social worker to ask the Thai social worker to define "top priority" because she said our case was a "top priority" last November and now she doesn't seem to be willing to answer questions about where our referral is.

To say I'm discouraged is probably an understatement. I've asked to be taken off all the email lists and not to have any real contact with the agency. I'm sure it's very selfish but I just can't handle hearing about other happy families receiving their referrals, To Whom letters or travel dates. I cried every Friday when that dreaded program update came, and I decided it needed to end so they graciously agreed to leave me alone. They will however now send the information to Veldon's email and he will let me know if I need to know anything. So far I haven't missed anything. I hate that Max is growing, growing, growing without his family. I hate that the social worker in Thailand doesn't seem to care about his wait or ours. I hate being criticized by others who have had different adoption situations for being discouraged and not wanting to hear about other families right now. I really hate so much about this. I wish that no one ever had to walk through this, most of all me. I wish that God would answer our prayers for the referral but right now He is silent. I don't understand any of this but it's not for me to understand, just to trust.

So I do trust God. I do trust that His hand is on the process and I do trust that Max will come home when God wills for him to. Every single day I will remind myself that I do trust God with this process and He will prove me right...thank goodness there's one sure thing in this!