Birthday Thoughts

Today, or rather yesterday as I am beginning to write this in the wee hours of the morning, we celebrated Max's 5th birthday and his first birthday at home. We missed 3 birthdays...I can't believe it! We knew we would miss the first when he turned 2. We had hoped to be there before #3 and by #4 I figured it was best not to hope. Not that birthdays are that special to us, because they really aren't big deals in our family. But every birthday we missed was another reminder that he was getting older without us, he was changing and growing in a cold, lonely institution. When we traveled to pick him up some of our concerns were laid to rest, to a certain degree. He certainly wasn't lonely, and the orphanage, although lacking in toys and personal affects seemed nice and caring.

As this day wore on I was constantly drawn back to Max's birth mother. I have wondered why he was abandoned and if she really had planned to return for him as the paperwork indicated, but clearly never did, not even for one visit. Did she leave him because he was a mistake, maybe she couldn't afford him or was it because of his special needs? Had she known about his special needs before he was born would she have chosen another route? Might she have chosen to end the pregnancy? I will never have the answers to these questions, and honestly I rarely think about her. I know her name, I know where he was born and I even have an old address for her, but I don't spend much time on her. Today, though, I thought about her, I wondered if she was missing him on his birthday, or worried about him. I wondered if she would be amazed that he is now in the United States sitting in a Thai restaurant wondering what the nice Thai ladies were saying to him. His life is so drastically different; one she would not recognize.

My greater concern is my son. His heart, his life, his future. He will live everyday of his life with his special needs, on top of that he will live every day as a minority and as an adopted child. He has hurdles to over come. His needs aren't tucked away in a neat little package behind his clothes, the older he grows the more obvious his arms will become, so it seems to me anyway. He will always begin relationships, new situations, school with a deficit in that he will be judged first for his physical limitation or his dark skin, or even for having white parents, good or bad it will happen. I, as his mother, won't be able to walk the road ahead of him forever, I won't be able to protect him, explain for him or to him and try to make the world fair for him. Those are the thoughts that take more of my energy and time than thoughts about his birth mom.

When we decided to adopt we specifically chose a special needs child. We truly wanted to choose a child who might have trouble finding a family, but we also knew that we had to work within certain parameters because we have three other children and they need us to be available for them as well. A limb difference was one of the needs that seemed like a good fit for us and it has been. But saying all that we also knew there would be no quick fix for his arms, this was for a lifetime and we would have to deal with it. What has been a surprise for us, while we waited for him and since we have brought him home, is how easily he has fit in to our family, how much he desires to be one of us, and the fact that he would likely not have had trouble finding a family as there were rumors from the orphanage that other families were interested in him. That scared the life out of me!!!! I am so thankful that God chose us to be his family and not another, yet I know that He would have been right had He done what I consider the unthinkable.

Although charming and bright and utterly adorable Max still lives with his special needs, he always will. He will never have a normal left arm, nor a normal right arm for that matter. Everyday is a challenge, not always in a difficult way, but a challenge nonetheless. Everyday as his mother I am torn between forcing him to do things for himself and jumping in and doing for him. It's so hard to watch him struggle, but there's a greater picture to be seen. Even the simplest tasks, that other five year olds take for granted, like buttoning and pulling up their pants are difficult, sometimes impossible for Max. How hard do I push him to accomplish the things that are hard? How much do I do for him because he's sweating and there doesn't seem to be any change in whatever he is attempting to do? Every single day we are bombarded with these questions.

So on this birthday, actually, truly the day after now, I am so very grateful for all God has done in my life, in Max's life and in our family. Over the last 9 1/2 months we have learned so much about Max, about adding a family member to the family unit, about bonding, about institutional residue and about Max's skeletal issues. We have learned much, and have much to learn, about encouraging a child with differences and we are learning, hopefully, how not to completely frustrate him. While we waited for Max I read all I could find on limb differences and specifically the radial club hand, but there's no substitute for walking the road. There is really no way to know what to expect when you have a child with special needs until you actually have the child. Reading and preparing were good and right, but experience is the best teacher. If we adopt again I would probably be open to a wider spectrum of SN having walked through this with Max. I would never wish for any child to have any thing wrong with them, but in God's greatness He is able to work through all things and be glorified! What a blessing for us and for Max.

Thailand

Last Saturday Veldon and I took Max to an Asian market in Atlanta. It was large and busy and crowded and possessed many of the smells we remember from Thailand. Max was in awe as we went in and he saw so many things familiar to him, fruits, veggies, people, the crowd in such a small area. He watched the people, many of whom were in fact Asian and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the whole visit. We bought him noodles from Thailand and I bought sauces to use in cooking some foods he loves, like Pad Thai. Veldon and I enjoyed being there too, looking at the various foods and watching the people. On the Thai aisle we asked an Asian lady about making Pad Thai, she was from Cambodia but knew exactly what we needed to do and needed to know. She was so sweet and friendly and willing to answer my questions. For a few brief moments we felt as if we were back in Thailand. Strangely enough we felt a sense of loss when we left.

It is the oddest thing, as far as I am concerned, that Veldon and I both feel as if we left something in Thailand. Of course we brought something much greater than we could comprehend out of Thailand, but we absolutely fell in love with the country, with the people and with what we saw. Maybe it was living for almost 2 weeks in a luxury hotel, and we just think we liked the country, but I don't think so. I think we got a tiny glimpse of a completely different world. A world that is not based on Judeo-Christian values, even a little bit. A world where dogs roam the street unfeared, largely unnoticed, because there is so much trash they have plenty to eat. A world where the individual seems lost into being one of many. A world dominated by superstition and idol worship.

We visited the Buddhist temples and saw with our own eyes people literally bowing down to idols. Something I never really thought I would see, we hear about it, we are warned not to have idols in our lives, not to love other things more than God, but to actually witness the devotion of flesh and blood humans to a man made idol is heart wrenching. How do they miss it so greatly? Why would you throw yourself onto your face in front of a graven image? I don't know, but they do it, all the time, all day. Women and merchants get up early to put flower arrangements together for people to buy at day break to offer to Buddha. They erect shrines all over the place for their false god, they worship this idol with a devotion one rarely sees in a Western Christian church. It was stunning.

No one who knows me would ever suspect that I could be so taken by a foreign country, especially not a third world foreign country, full of strange smells and foods, but I am! I love it. Veldon and I would go back tomorrow if we could. They need more Christians there to tell them about Jesus, they need more people to care for the orphans lost in their strange orphan system, they need to know, to see, the love of Christ. The orphans, the workers, the impoverished, the taxi drivers...all of them. We would pack up our children and go if we could, of course we aren't there yet. God hasn't called us to do that yet, but I certainly never envisioned myself coming home with a son and a love for a country on the other side of the world.

Pictures

My Love as a Bee Gee! A few weeks ago we had a talent show and the staff dressed up as the Bee Gees...kind of!



In the hotel room in Greenville, with Katie, one of Max's very most favorite people!



Love this!





This is the coolest bridge!



Feeding the ducks.





















Fun trip to Shriner's a few weeks ago. No changes with Max or his arms so we go back in 6 months. These are great little over night trips!

Growing Up

Who would have thought that I would be spending energy contemplating a Kindergarten curriculum for a preschooler and colleges for a senior at the same time? Certainly not I!!! Max won't officially attend K at our school this year, although cognitively I think he could do it, he's like a sponge. Developmentally he isn't there yet. He doesn't really seem to use information in a consistent, meaningful way, connect the dots of the puzzle to make sense. For example we worked in the yard yesterday, he and I, he left me in the backyard to go in for a minute. A few minutes later he was back outside, in the front yelling for me, even when I called him to the back he stayed in the front yelling. We had worked in the front for quite a while but moved to the back. I went to the front and asked him where I was when he went inside, he said "back there" pointing to the back yard. I asked why he didn't look for me there and his face went blank and after a few seconds he said "I don't know". I don't think he ever got why he should be looking for me in the back, even when I wasn't in the front, even when I reminded him we had been in the back. The front is where we spend most of our time so it made sense to him that I would be in the front. That may not seem like a big deal but if he can't take information and use it then he's not ready for a school classroom. Even if it is just 2 days a week. He's getting better though and he will continue to mature and catch up. In the mean time I will teach him at home because his mind is always going and he desperately wants to learn.

We are finishing up all the "stuff" to graduate Hayden. My goodness it's daunting! Pictures to submit, announcements to make, letters to write, tests to schedule for him to take, applications to fill out, change, change, change is what all of this is screaming to me! I'm not a big fan of change either, I can do it, I just prefer not to. I'm not sure if that's a result of getting older, I am middle aged now, or the fact that we experienced so much change for so long that I am just over it, or a combination of both, probably the latter! I'm old and have had too much change. Knowing that Hayden's friends won't be hanging out here like they have is sad. Knowing the his childhood is coming to and end is sad. The fact that I am old enough to have an almost 18 yr old is sad. Thinking that in the future, maybe not this year but soon, I won't see his face every single day is sad. It's hard to watch your babies grow into adulthood. Sitting around the dinner table laughing, or crying as the case may be, can be the best part of the day. They aren't all home every evening but when they are it can be so much fun. Those days of having them all home together are dwindling away quickly.

I'm so grateful for the years of home schooling we chose to do. I'm glad I've been home with them, or they've been home with me to be more accurate. I'm glad they all pile onto our bed and laugh and talk and often times run me out of the room because the tend to get rowdy with their dad. I like to hear them laughing at night or playing stupid games like "Rock, Scissors, Paper" and then watching a movie.

Hayden's future is wide open, he just has to figure out what he wants to do with it. Of course I worry about him, but I know God has a plan for Hayden. I know that my Heavenly Father loves Hayden more than I ever could. I know that He is always working in Hayden's life for His good and glory. So although as a momma I worry, as a child of God I rest in the truth that I don't have to worry my son has an all sufficient Father. Allison, on the other hand, is preparing for the future already, making plans and creating a map. Which includes being accepted to UGA in the fall of her senior year. She's not sure she wants to go there, but she wants early admittance. Silly girl! She is constantly looking at colleges and mission groups and careers. I'm not sure what she will come up with but she is certainly working toward it...whatever it may be!

I love my children and I love being their mom. I love driving them all over creation, I love that every time I walk out the door one of them wants to tag along. I love that they tell me what's going on in their heads...even if it makes no sense! I love that our house is full of endless chatter, not noise (although it can be very noisy!) it's chatter, talk, constant talk.