Long Days~

This has been a hard week, maybe it's been a hard couple of weeks I can't really say for sure, but what I can say is that I'm exhausted! We worked on our taxes...which is stressful for sure, went to the SS office to get Max's card/number and was stunned at the fact that the government truly has no idea what they are doing. If you've ever wondered if the government is as incompetent as they seem...wonder no more! It's not even so much that the one hand doesn't know what the other is doing, the one hand doesn't even seem to be aware that there is another hand! Although Max was, yes WAS, here on a IH-4 permanent resident visa (which means once the adoption is final he becomes a citizen) the workers refused to list him as a citizen, because of course you are dealing with the SS Administration, each government agency believes they trump all others. They typed in all of his green card and visa info and REFUSED to list him as a citizen, you would think that the type of visa would have a flag on it or the computer system would catch it NO WAY! I argued that he is our son now and gets our citizenship, "oh no you have to apply to be a citizen and get a Certificate of Naturalization" NO he doesn't, he is automatically a citizen and when we have $550 he will get a Certificate of Citizenship. They looked at me as if I had two heads and said they didn't know what a CoC even is "it's a Certificate of Naturalization". We left with him registered as a resident. I scoured government website after website and each one said something different. Then Kam pointed me to the Hague website and they said he is a citizen and has been since the adoption is final...too bad the SSA doesn't even know Hague exists!

Max has also been going through something and for several days, maybe longer and the only word that comes to mind for him is surly! He gripes, complains, argues, pouts, etc, etc, several people have mentioned he sounds like a normal 4 1/2 year old, the thing is he ISN'T a normal 4 1/2 year old, he's a child who's been home for almost 8 months who was abandoned and institutionalized, he had issues, he is having issues and he will have issues, we will work through them with him, but I am honestly worn out with being told he's normal. He's not normal, he's not a normal middle class, American kid who's been given everything he ever wanted and needed. I'm not sure if the stress he is going through right now is from insecurity or fear or sadness or anger, but he's been walking through something and as his parents it's our job to walk him through, and, if we can, I believe try to figure out what might be going on to help him deal with it better. He is clearly frustrated with communication right now, he understands the surface of what is going on but not the deep meaning of anything. He also ALWAYS believes what ever we are talking about or planning has to do with him specifically. He's always alert to what's being said so he can try to figure out what's coming next, even though it often doesn't have anything to do with him. I would think it is exhausting always being on guard that way, always wondering if his family is planning something bad for him or something without him. He also doesn't have the developmental maturity to understand when we tell him it has nothing to do with him, he just can't get it. In his mind everything has to do with him and is about him. Which for us is a bit exhausting!

Last week I volunteered to share some verses with my prayer group. I thought about it all week and came up with NOTHING, ZILCH, not a thing! So when we got there I admitted I had nothing. Another lady quickly stepped forward, pulled out some notes, and said "oh I have something". I should have been grateful, and I was, but I felt embarrassed too! My brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, I'm having some pretty good physical pain right now which is draining, my emotions are fried, I don't have the fortitude at this point to outline chapters of the Word, I apparently don't even have enough to come up with a few verses to share! I don't have the energy to get out of bed early and "be on my face before Jesus", I barely have the energy to get out of bed when I hear that sweet boy close/slam his bedroom door and pad to our room. My sweet friend Karen said she thought God would be pleased enough with my bent knees in the evening and would even understand that there are days it doesn't get done, although of course we need to be in God's Word and praying, we are also human and he gets it. I so needed to hear that right then, I needed to hear that I'm not a failure for not spending hours a day reading my Bible, outlining passages and praying. Some days it a quick few verses, a Morning and Evening devotion or something similar and quick prayer for strength as I run in to our out of my day. In no way shape or form am I complaining about this season God has granted us, I love that brown boy more than words can express, but in honesty I am worn thin. We're home schooling 3 kids, I work and teach at their school, I am trying to graduate a 17 yr old, whom I believe is sometimes working against me on it, help him keep track of trips, work and the future, the two girls are going and gone as much as they are home and since I am the main taxi driver Max and I are coming and going too, Max is a bundle of energy and layers of stuff. There's nothing one dimensional about my life right now and sometimes it feels that if one string snaps the whole universe will spin out of control...of course it won't, but it feels that way!

I really am not complaining, life is complicated and when I compare myself to others who have fewer children and have made different choices, even those in a different season, I am undone, overwhelmed and inadequate. But we have made these choices and we are in this season right now, so this is our life! I am always thankful for friends who make me laugh at life like Kelly and Kam and I am so grateful to Karen and Jill who make me laugh at myself. Who all encourage me not to take life so seriously! I can't be a well rested Momma of 2 right now and there's no way in the world I would choose to be! I was asked this week if I would do this again? If the question was about getting Max the answer is a resounding YES, if the question was about adopting another I don't know but I think so...we'll have to see where the next year leads and what my wonderful husband has to say about it!

Then and Now

January is in full bloom...or lack there of in Canton, GA. It hasn't been an amazingly cold winter even though we've had some low temps it seems after a few really cold days the weather will rebound to the 50s or 60s. For this CO girl I like a nice long run of cold, but for my getting achy, old, bones not so much cold is not an all together bad thing! It's now time to go out and spread total vegetation killer on the lawn to cut down on the summer weeds. That's something I did the first several years we lived here. The last couple winters were a little bleak and I didn't really feel much like taking care of the yard or planting flowers in the spring. Last year Arthur planted flowers for me which I truly appreciated. This year I can't wait to get my fingers dirty and get the yard looking nice again! I can't put in words how grateful I am not to be waiting for Max anymore, not just because he his home, because obviously that is the main reason I am grateful, but just to have my life back without a shadow over it is such a blessing. Not to wonder everything single day if today is our day, not to cry nearly everyday because our sweet boy woke up in an orphanage when he had a family wanting him, not to feel drained of every ounce of energy all the time for carrying that amazingly heavy burden. To watch a child, you have given your heart to, grow and change and not be with them is devastating. Identifying Max was a great thing, and knowing who we were going to bring home was so good, but there is truth in the old adage "ignorance is bliss" and some times I thought not knowing who he was and seeing him change would have been easier. I still believe that to be true.

But I'm not really wanting to relive the past, not sure where all that came from! I've decided to go back on Facebook from the day Max came home until today and copy all the statuses I've written about him. It's amazing to read the most current back to June 12, 2011 and see how far we have all come! So I guess in a way I am reliving the past, but in a good way.

We bought Max mittens today and after Veldon got the first one on Max looked at me and said "Daddy only put 1 sock on my hand" he now wants to sleep in his hand socks. 1/14/12

So Veldon was kind of getting on to Katie for whining about being bored. Of course Katie argued and said she wasn't whining so Veldon returns with "whatever you are doing stop it!" Max leans over to Veldon and whispers loudly "that's right Daddy, that's right!" Totally broke the tension in the room...everyone laughed even the girl who had been whining. 1/10/12

Max just cheered that he gets to go to school today...I would venture to say that he is the only one of the five of going to school that is cheering! 1/9/12

Max just told Hayden as they were wrestling "don't touch me Hayden or there will be trouble". Wonder what kind of trouble he could create for his 17 yr old brother! 1/4/12

Max just asked me ~ Are you hairy in my room? ~ When I asked him what he said he repeated the same thing then when I told him I have no idea what he's talking about he shrugged his shoulders and started whistling. Hmmmm 1/4/12

This morning Max said ~ thank you son ~ to Veldon as he handed him his milk and just now skipped out of my bathroom saying ~ good-bye my love ~ to me. He is also calling Veldon "little man" these days. He's a funny boy! 1/2/12

Max just told me he wants a "fruit snack" dinner. Don't think that would fill him up very well! 1/1/12

Max just said he misses building snow tunnels. Hmmm 12/24/11

Tonight as I rolled out egg noodles Max climbed on his stool to watch and asked me several times if I was making cookies. I told him I was making noodles, not cookies, and gave him a little piece to play with, as is our habit when I roll out a pie crust, etc. I heard gagging sounds and looked to see Max's mouth wadded full of expanding dough and he was looking at me horrified as if I had played a mean trick on him. I quickly sent him to the trash to spit it out and then reminded him that I tell the truth, if I say it's not cookies it's NOT cookies! He decided his interests lay elsewhere and left the kitchen. Wish I would have had a video rolling for that one! 1/23/11

Max has started to ask to pray, he likes to thank God for ~ his friends, ~ his teeth (he recently went to the dentist) ~ his friends Joel, Keegan, Samuel and Wally (Riley), ~ God (yes he thanks God for God), and ~ food, not necessarily in that order! It's so sweet! 12/23/11

Max just told Allison to talk to his feet...Joel and Keegan. Maybe he misses his friends! 12/22/11

Today we shopped, shopped and shopped! Max had a good time when he went out with us this evening but he was tired and ready to get home. The mall is about 30 minutes away and when we were half way home Max said to Veldon "you can't find the way home Daddy?". It was pretty cute. 12/20/11

Max ~ Why you get me from Thailand? Me ~ Because you needed a mommy and daddy. Max ~ Why? Me ~ You didn't want to live at Bann Fang Fa forever did you? Max ~ No. Me ~ So God knew you needed a mommy and daddy and we were in America so He told us to go to Thailand and get you and we said okay. Max ~ That was nice, I like Him! 12/20/11

Today at Target Max was riding in the buggy. The aisles are very narrow and another lady was coming with her buggy. Max turned and said "hi" to her and she smiled and said hi back to him. Then we tried to get past each other and our buggies bumped, after we got past Max said "Mommy you fighting with that lady?" She laughed and said "no, we aren't fighting". He was unconvinced! 12/17/11

We brought our sweet Max home knowing there would be many surgeries in his future, but after today his last visit to a specific specialist, it seems Max will have NO surgeries in the foreseeable future! We were ready and willing to do whatever our boy needed but concerned about the strain on him and it seems our Faithful God has gone ahead of us and fixed some things that seemed very unfixable! (Not really a word I think!) Of course the Creator of our bodies is also the Great Physician of our bodies so why should we be surprised when He fixes that which He created? I'm beyond words thrilled for Max and grateful to our Loving Father! 12/13/11

Max "Mom" me: "What Max?" Max "What?" Me "Max you said Mom" Max "Oh..what you doing?" Me "I'm riding in the car. What are you doing?" Max "What?" The circle is unbroken! 12/13/11

Last night, as I was smearing really thick lotion all over Max, he puckered his lips for a kiss so I bent over and kissed him he then said "I love you Mom". It was the first time he has said that to me of his own accord...without me saying it first or hearing the other kids say it. It was such a sweet moment. He's still figuring things out about who we are and where he is but everyday he seems to have a strong attachment to us and to our world. Earlier in the evening, before we all left for a church party, he asked me a couple times if we are coming back home after "to sleep". This is the place he wants to be but at times, it seems, he's not sure it's forever. I'm so grateful for his ability to ask questions now and for the privilege we have to walk this road with him! 12/4/11

Max just asked if he could have 'hot' ice cream Katie said it would be milk and Max responded "what?" 12/2/11

Listening to Christmas music on XM and to my 4 year old shooting every car we pass makes for an interesting mix! He did assure me he isn't 'kohling' (killing) Allison or Katie just the bad guys. 11/26/11

One of the sweetest moments since my Max came home happened yesterday at church as Max climbed down from my lap and past an entire pew of or family to get to the very end to sit on his grandpa's lap. I couldn't help but cry at the sweet blessing God has given us. He's a son, a grandson, a brother and a nephew and it happened in mere seconds almost 6 months ago! 11/21/11

Max's understanding of the language is deceptive. Although he seems to understand, often he does not. He now believes that when the Christmas tree goes up there will be snow outside. We got the tree down and he is losing his mind about the snow. He just asked Veldon if he is going to play in the snow in his jammies! Poor, sweet, confused boy! 11/15/11

Max is in the front room preaching and having his sisters read Bible verses...with the microphone of course. He's making us laugh he keeps saying "people" into the microphone. 11/15/11

I bought some comfy knit pants on clearance this week and I am wearing them today...Max is not happy. He keeps telling me he "can't like my pants" and asking why I am wearing them. I tell him that I like them and they are comfy. We took him to Target a little while ago and as we were leaving he said "Mommy you gonna change?" I said "no". He said "I can't want you to wear those pants Target". I kept the pants on and he talked about them on and off the whole time we were there. My pants have seriously offended my 4 year old! 11/12/11

Max "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom I want, I want, I want a TV in my room!" Me "no Max you aren't going to have a TV in your room". Max "oh ooookaaaay". 11/10/11

Max's phrase of the week "my goodness!" He says it like an 80 yr old man! Too cute. 11/10/11

Allison told the dogs to stop doing something. Max says "Allison you don't tell the dogs what to do.". Allison "you don't tell me what to do" Max "yes I do I me!" Allison "you do what I say" Max "no I don't" Allison comes to our room to tell on Max as he is yelling "I sorry Allison" 11/8/11

One hard lesson that Max is learning is that with a 17 year old brother the assurance of the food you love remaining in the house is slim to none. Whether it is Golden Graham bars, fruit snacks or leftover chicken there's every reason to believe big brother will eat it all gone before Max gets his fill! 11/3/11

Tonight Max packed a shoe box at church for Samaritan's purse with Kam, he then took me to show me the box he packed and wanted to take it home. I told him he "can't have it it's for kids who don't have anything and you are no longer one of them!" He didn't really understand, but I did and I'm so grateful that he is no longer an orphan with nothing...God has blessed us beyond measure! 11/2/11

Max ~ "What's that Mom?" Me ~ "It's a dishwasher." Max ~ "Oooh I get it." 10/27/11

Tonight as Hayden was leaving to take Allison to her teacher's house Max raised his voice and said "no Hayden, don't take my Allison away...and don't take my Katie too." Katie wasn't leaving I guess he just wanted to be sure everyone knew both girls were to stay home! When Hayden asked if he could leave Max thought for a second and said "yes, but don't take my Allison". 10/26/11

At Target today I asked the girls to meet me at the front door with Max and the buggy after we checked out. I saw Katie had pushed the buggy to the return area so I told her we are leaving Max in the buggy...she immediately said "ok" and turned to walk out the door...without the buggy OR Max. I said "Katie we aren't leaving Max we are taking the buggy to the car". She started laughing and went back for the buggy and Max. I'm pretty sure there's some blond hiding in her hair. 10/25/11

Max ~ "My sister is up?" "My sister awake?" "Where is my sister?" Yup another new concept ~sister~ that he gets and is going to practice a whole big bunch!! Love to watch his wheels turning..which is always! 10/16/11

Max "More candy Mom" me "No more candy" Max "Why are you doing this to me?" 10/14/11

Max has finally learned to ask "why"...it's bittersweet! 10/14/11

Max ~ "I eat your coke all gone, okay? I can't eat my tea." Translation "I'm going to drink all your coke and I am not going to drink my tea." Still a few things to figure out! 10/14/11

My sweet boy just pointed to his left arm's scars and asked "what happen my arm" of course his language isn't strong enough yet to really understand but then again I'm not sure any 4 year old could really understand. Precious boy! 10/13/11

Max is yelling "make tea" in his monster voice...it's pretty cute but not a bit scary, I think he might be disappointed to know that! 10/11/11

This is what happens when you are super cool...or too tall for the smaller size and too thin for the next...either way it's adorable!

10/4/11

Max likes to eat with a fork and spoon...it's a Thai thing. So this morning as I am getting his fork and spoon he says "fork and spoon please Mommy". I said "I know Max, don't ask for things I have in my hand for you.". "Okay Mommy." As I'm clearing the breakfast dishes I notice 2 spoons in Max's bowl. Apparently he was trying to tell me something! Sweet boy probably thinks he has come to a nut house! 10/4/11

Me "Max, it's hot do you want to change to shorts?" Max "I can't like change." 9/28/11

My sweet little former orphan just about had a heart attack when he realized someone had taken all of HIS clothes out of his clothes hamper! He was less than happy he kept saying "gone, gone, gone" no amount of explaining helped we just had to leave the room. Silly boy! 9/28/11

I cried tonight as I watched my sweet Max, whom we have pictures of visiting a Buddhist Temple 5 months ago, dancing and clapping in our church as his daddy's band practiced Sunday's praise music for the True and Living God! He can't understand it yet, but I can. Our God reigns. 9/25/11

At Chick Fil A with Max and Katie. Max is shoveling his ice cream into his mouth and saying, very loudly, "I can't like it! I can't like it!" We really have no idea! 9/22/11

Max and Joel got in trouble today for Thai kick boxing (at least that's what we're calling it)..the preschool told Kam and me that we need to talk to them! I guess you can take the kid out of Thailand but you can't take the Thai out of the kid! I'm so glad they're friends! 9/21/11

I'm watching, and have been watching for the last hour, my 4 yr old eat spaghetti one noodle at a time and, for no obvious reason, randomly take 5 minute breaks just sitting. So I tell him "Max eat your dinner" he scornfully replies "Mom I can't!", as he shoves another noodle in his mouth 9/18/11

Today in the car Allison "man I'm pooped" Max "where did you poop Allison?" 9/18/11

Last night Max was watching Tangled for the 100th time, when it came to the part where the witch figures out the girl is gone, and is looking all over the tower for her Veldon asked Max "where did she go?". Max said "hmmmmm...Target?" 9/17/11

Went shopping with my 2 boys tonight. Max has some definite opinions about shoes. He loves really high, black, shiny shoes for Mommy. When I asked if I should get them he said "yes...NO Mommy fall off!". 9/9/11

Max says that Allison is Barbie and then says "pretty"...it is so sweet! 9/4/11

When Max and I walk across a parking lot, he looks at the waiting cars and yells "go ahead, go ahead" I don't know if he is daring the cars to move or if he's actually inviting the cars to run us over...it's always a strange few moments! 9/3/11

Max "baby (teddy bear) go poo poo" Katie "What did you say? Poo poo gross Max!" Max "yup poo poo on the table." 8/16/11

So I'm giving my sweet boy a little language lesson on the "t" sound vs. the "d" sound because when he says "feed" it sounds like "feet", he rolled his eyes and said "moooooom" just like his older siblings...he is learning a lot for the big kids. 8/11/11

Max's phrase of the week this week..."awright Mom, awright!" 8/5/11

Max loves fruit snacks, but when he asks for a fruit snack it can be hard to understand him so I tried to teach him to say "fruiT snack" instead of "fru sna", it didn't really go as planned and now he asks for "fru sna TA" it did however accomplish the goal because when he adds the ta sound at the end we all know what he is asking for. 7/30/11

Afternoon nap in the recliner...

7/25/11

I love our pastor, I love that he preaches the Truth without fail and I love that when he walks up to the pulpit Max says "candy". 7/24/11

Here are a couple things we are trying to teach/remind Max, 1) your mouth is not a food storage container...you must swallow. 2) not everyone at the grocery store, Target, Home Depot, wherever, needs to know exactly what you did in the bathroom! 7/23/11

Max's phrase today is "gree ligh people" because his dad said, in the car, "green light people go" except Max says it more like greenlight is an adjective describing people. He's very serious too, just like Veldon was. 7/23/11

Tonight we sang the ABC song for Max at the dinner table...he was overjoyed...oddly enough it's his favorite song! 7/22/11

Max's phrase today "I said NO!" Expect he says "I shed no". Very cute. He totally understands what that means!! 7/21/11

It's bedtime and for some reason my 4 year old is running around yelling "Emma" (my mini-schnauzer)...Emma is wisely going the other direction very quickly! I'm not really sure of the connection between the dog and going to bed but Max seems to think there's one. 7/13/11

So my Max is checking the end of each green bean to make sure there's a bean in it, he even popped the bean out of one inspected it and slid it back in before eating the green bean. He is making us laugh...wonder what he is thinking... 7/3/11

My little American Thai guy cheers when he sees McDonald's! I think he's adjusting! 6/29/11

Max had a chest x-ray today. He was so scared, he cried and cried. I kept telling him, in my best Thai, it won't hurt. He cried anyway. Later in the car he says "mai jeb" no pain and then says "Max wan wan" (with a crying face), then he laughed "mai jeb Max wan wan". It was very sweet and funny. Maybe he'll trust me now when I tell him it won't hurt!!! 6/23/11

"Wow Daddy hot egg!" Max Tims ~ that's right the boy has been here 11 days and is speaking in sentences! 6/22/11

So my sweet Max picked out his clothes today and when he got his shorts on he patted himself and said "loh" which is handsome in Thai, then I said "handsome" and he practiced between English and Thai, he loves to look nice! Since I can't post his picture I added a little blur...just thought everyone should how "loh" Max is today! 6/21/11

My sweet Max can pack away the food, he especially likes eggs, noodles, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on whole grain oatmeal bread. Today as I made his sandwich he emphatically reminded me, in his sweet Thai, not to forget the jelly...he was very serious as the jelly is very important to him...so sweet! 6/18/11

Last night was my brown boy's first night in America and he slept through the night like he didn't just come from the other side of the world, and today is my sweet Allison's 15th birthday...all is right with the world! Praise God!!! 6/12/11

I Hate Naming Posts!

As I write this blog, the first of 2012 I feel a little bit of guilt for not having blogged about our first Christmas with Max or even posted pictures. I suppose I will get to that eventually maybe I don't really have the words yet, I don't know but so far I've not blogged about it! I was thrilled to have him home but cognizant of the fact that his Christmas was much more altered than our Christmas. For me Christmas is a day, usually a good day, with good food and presents, but it is just a day that will come and go. I wasn't holding my breath in anticipation of Max's first Christmas home with us I was looking forward to him getting his gifts, but it's just another day. I guess I am not one to put a lot into firsts, traditions, huge build ups, etc. Although meeting him for the first time and the meeting with the judge when we finalized were profound moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life other firsts are not so significant from my point of view. I wasn't nearly as blown away by each of my kids' first birthdays I was when they reached nine months and I realized they had now lived outside my womb longer than in my womb. The everyday living of life blows away those few moments that we seem to build our lives around. Watching Max become a part of our family, learning to love his preschool and his teachers, those things rock my world, those are the things I love and look forward to. Although we have never been big event people, cherishing the everyday has been a process. My kids on the other hand love events, but not for the actual event, the can't wait for the pictures they will have, they rush to get home and see all the pictures their friends have posted on the internet of whatever they have just come from and heaven forbid a friend be slow in uploading...YIKES!!! Although I love pictures and I love photography I'm not one to "create a moment" in a picture and miss the real thing. But as I said I think coming to enjoy the everyday and not living for the next "thing" or event or whatever is coming has been a process.

Several years ago a pastor's wife asked me if being a stay at home mom was the greatest joy of my life. Had I been thinking I certainly would have answered the question differently, but my first and honest response was "NO!". That answer defined our relationship from there on out...I knew it would as soon as the word slipped jumped full force out of my mouth. The look on her face was unmistakable. I was not who she expected me to be! Oh well...bygones! But my response was true for me, maybe not for many or most I really have no idea, but for me being home alone all day with my kids was basically being alone all day. I'm a people person, I enjoy talking to people, listening to people, asking questions and just being around others, so being at home alone all day was difficult. I didn't resent it or hate it, it just wasn't my greatest joy. Being with Veldon has always brought me and still brings me joy, but staying home with small children wasn't always joy. It was the right thing for me to do, I believe, always have always will, that mom's are the best people to raise their children not day cares and not nannies. Not that either of those were options for us, but I believe the adage that "no one loves you like your mother" is very true. Even if Mom is tired and on some days a little grumpy she still loves her children more than another trying to care for them while Mom does other things.

So now that I am in the thick of raising a small child again along with a household of teenagers (Okay Katie won't be 13 for another 23 days!) I often reflect on my first go around with preschoolers. When the older kids were small we moved several times and were in Seminary. Following Seminary for several years we were in a small town in a small church. Although I loved the town and church it was isolating. No matter how one tries to fit into a small town/church sometimes it's hard. There weren't a lot of other women my age staying at home with their kids, the few who did I found I had little in common with. Not that I didn't try, but it was difficult. They all had family and long term friends close by, I often felt like a 5th wheel. The lonely days of raising my small children were not void of lessons though, those days taught me to love my home and truly made it the center of my life. As I learned to be content with being alone I learned to be content with being at home. In the early years of staying home I would go a lot, I think trying to escape the house, and the loneliness, to get away from things...life perhaps. As I got older and settled into life I found that I was truly most content at home. As much as I love visiting family and being at my mom's house, even running to the mall every now and then, my center became and still is my home. Going all the time doesn't hold the draw for me that it once did. Getting out of the house is not something I have a huge need for anymore, although at times it is quite necessary because we have needs! I still enjoy shopping, but not for the same reasons I once did.

Today I would have to say that being home with my children has become a great joy, a learned joy. I also enjoy them more since they are older. My mother always said "just when the girls got interesting they left" I see her point! I love small children and kids songs and shows and a house that has the feel that children live there, I always will. But conversing with my kids is so much more enjoyable now. Being around them keeps me laughing and guessing. I never really know what they will come up with next. I love to hear about their plans for the future, some of which include tattoos and piercings I would rather not think about, but trust they will do what they think is best with their bodies (the temples of the Holy Spirit...in case one of them might be reading this!). Their plans also include following God where He would lead them, as much as I fear that might be out of my life I fear more for them not to follow Him! They have grown into interesting, fun young people who require so much less physical energy and so much more emotional!

I surely didn't make the most out of every moment of raising the first round of kids nor will I the second time around...sadly. I struggled at times. I hurt at times. I blew it huge at times. As I look back though I am grateful that I managed to live most of life without pining away for the next big thing. I look back on the years when the first three were young as relatively peaceful and happy. For a momma who was tired most of the time and far away from friends and family I think that's pretty good. The seasons of our lives come and go and if we are looking to the next holiday or big event, in my opinion, much of the actual living would be missed.

Hopefully as we raise child #4 he will benefit from having a mom who is well settled into life. Who isn't waiting for whatever is next. I, for this moment at least, am content in the here and now. A house full of noise, my children, other people's children, dogs, guests, ipods and cell phones. I wouldn't miss this mundane for anything.