Blood Balloon...Great Fear

Yesterday Max had a chest x-ray. He was so afraid but he survived...of course, and so did I!! Veldon wasn't with us in the room so it was just Max and me. I did my best to explain it wouldn't hurt in Thai. I wasn't sure he understood. He did because later he laughed and said "mai jeb" what I had been saying to him in the x-ray room. Anyway, today he had blood drawn and I couldn't say mai jeb. He was supposed to have it drawn yesterday, but one of us, mommy, freaked out and we didn't do it. The doctor sent us to Children's instead to steady our my nerves. So off to the hospital we went, after meeting again today with said doctor. I am so grateful for her, we've just been in the office a few times with Max, but she has read and studied and called every specialist on the planet to understand his needs and what to look for. She is very clearly taking over his medical direction and I am grateful!

At the hospital our sweet boy knew exactly what was going on. Even with the numbing cream applied and a 30 minute wait to insure it worked, he lost it. So did I!! Daddy was strong and held Max and talked to him. About 1/2 way through, taking most of the boy's blood, Veldon asked Max if he wanted a balloon. Our brown boy loves, loves, loves balloons. He immediately started talking about his balloon and then crying for his balloon. Obviously the first thing we did after they had drained the boy was to go to the gift store and buy a Spider Man balloon. He was so proud of it. He slept on the way home grasping the balloon in his right hand. He ran into the house yelling for Hayden to come see his balloon, both boys are Spider Man fans. Max recovered from his trauma quickly....I did not! I cried a good part of the way home and contemplated his near and distant future.

Since we have been home we've discovered more issues that Max will have to deal with. The doctor is also looking into some other issues that the blood work will reveal if they are present. It is such a great blow to find out that your child is going to suffer, we knew that going into this adoption, but now we know there will be more suffering and the chance he could have some life long struggles is killing me. It scares me to death to walk this road with him. I'm not afraid of the problems, I'm afraid to watch him suffer. If I could do anything in the world to save him from the path ahead of him I would do it. If I could walk the road instead of him I would, but I can't and I'm afraid. God is wonderful, great, incredible and of course I trust Him to usher all of us through this, but this is my sweet son who will suffer. This is my child who will cry, and struggle, and feel every needle prick and walk through the pain of every recovery. We will lean on God and trust Him, but the road ahead isn't going to be easy and I think I am a great coward!

So Max earned a "blood balloon" today, I know gross! He is a good boy. He is a strong boy and he will be fine in the end. He doesn't have a choice, so I will be fine too and when I feel the most afraid I will stand the strongest because "He is made great in our weakness"! But in my heart I have great fear for my boy.