Silent Tears

There's a book in the adoption world entitled "Silent Tears". It's about one woman's journey through volunteering at one, or several, Chinese orphanages. I read it several years ago at the behest of a friend and I'm glad I did if for no other reason than it put words to what we are experiencing.

Just as every pregnancy is different, every adoption is different.  There's nothing profound there, anyone would agree, but until you've experienced the difference I'm not sure one is truly able to understand.  I thought I was prepared and in many ways I was.  I have been very careful about who we expose Isaac to, although I did make a huge daycare mistake...maybe I'll share that later. I mostly fed him when he was placed with us. He sleeps with us, and is really never away from one of us. Exactly as we did with Max.

There are differences though the biggest being the situation from which these two boys came out.  Max came out of a rather loving, stimulating, well provided for orphanage.  Isaac's situation was the exact opposite.  We've all seen the pictures of Isaac the first day he was placed with us.  I heard the stories about the orphanage and the lack of food and the indifference of the staff, but I'm experiencing it and it is heart breaking.

Isaac cried the first day we got him. He sobbed, he cried most of the way back to the hotel and then he stopped.  When we would tell him "no", which was rare the first few weeks, he would move on or ignore us.  Then everything changed.  I noticed it in the airplane coming home. I walked to the aisle Veldon and Isaac were on and Isaac was standing in front of a seat looking at me with tears rolling down his face.  I knelt down and tried to hold him but he arched and showed no other emotion, just the tears flowing.  Veldon explained he had just told him "no" about something and Isaac froze and began to cry silent tears.  

This pattern has continued.  Not in every situation.  When I made the daycare mistake he was away from me for 15 minutes when the worker came to get me. I could hear Isaac crying as I approached the door and when I got inside he was against the wall arms spread to the side sobbing.  I bent down in front of him, he grabbed me and wailed "no momma no" over and over. Needless to say he has not been away from Veldon or me since.  Even that night he told me he wanted to stay with me, touching his heart and mine over and over.

When Isaac is reprimanded or doesn't get what he wants he doesn't cry out loud, generally even when he falls down he is silent.  The tears fall, but there's no noise.  When I see the silent tears I pick him up, wipe his tears and kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him.  He stays in my arms until he relaxes.  I'm not sure it's the right solution, but I think he needs to know somebody cares, his mommy is responding to his hurt.  

Today we had a breakthrough of sorts.  Veldon got on to Isaac about something. I walked in the room, looked down and saw tears. When Isaac looked up at me he began to make noise and raised his arms for me to pick him up!  He sought my comfort and allowed me to comfort him.  It was so very precious.  

Isaac will continue to cry silent tears...maybe forever, but he's beginning to think that we care he is hurting or upset. He's looking to us for comfort and allowing us into his scared little heart.  What a huge privilege it is to get to be the momma who gets to walk the road to trust with this wonderful, beautiful boy!

Thoughts From the Second Day with Isaac

Isaac Day 2               

Two nights with Isaac and so far so good.  We moved into a new room, actually a suite of rooms with 3 living areas, 3 beds, two couches, a dinning table, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen and a washing machine.  No dryer for the washing machine, but that seems about right for China.  Last night I mostly slept and I feel like a new woman.

The computer system for our province is back up and running and we are heading to Isaac’s town today.  We will not be seeing the orphanage.  We don’t want Isaac to be back in SWI for several reasons and I think, based on his size and general health and the testimony of others, I can draw some educated conclusions.  There are just too many things in life we see that we wish we hadn’t and I don’t care to add this to my list.

Isaac seems to be content with his new life.  He calls me momma and Veldon “d dd” or something like that. Momma was easy because it’s very close to the Chinese word for mother, but daddy isn’t.  He’s trying though.  He wasn’t sure about Max to begin with, but he likes him now and tries to play with him and interact.

Max is struggling, as expected.  He is working hard to figure out his place.  He feels threatened and dethroned and we are working to be patient with him.  He tries to imitate everything Isaac does that we all coo over, it’s cute when a 4 yr old the size of a 1 yr old does something, it’s kind of awkward when a 7 yr old, the size of a 7 yr old tries to do the same thing.  But we expected this and more, and we are prepared to walk the road with him. I still believe this is the best thing in the world for Max, and obviously there’s no doubt this is right for Isaac.

Home

So my blog was one of the casualties of the crazy China internet. It seems we could get on but our connection wouldn't last long enough for a post with pictures or it was so late in the night that I couldn't stay awake for the download to finish and it would be bumped.

We're home now and I'll try to recap for posterity...because so many people in the future will be reading this silly little blog. HA

I will preface my recap with some words.  We didn't love China. We fell in love with Thailand. Maybe that's why we struggled more in China because we loved Thailand so much and expected a similar experience.  It was vastly different, that's fine. I think one of my biggest frustrations was being placed in 5 star hotels, that were obviously very expensive, by someone else with no say in the matter.  Then to be treated badly at the hotel you are paying for, which you really can't afford, creates more than normal frustration.  Every time a door was let go in our face by a bellhop I thought about the amount of money we had to spend. Every time we were ignored at breakfast I thought about the amount of money we were spending and it was frustrating. I have no western ideas of needing to be served. Heaven knows I'm not spoiled at home, nor would I want to be, but I also would never willingly spend the amount of money we did. When we got to our last town I was so excited for rest, for a comfortable atmosphere, to enjoy the remainder of our time in China.  That's not really what we found.  It's fine, we were stretched and the ultimate goal of getting our boy was achieved.  We did enjoy many parts of China, but we didn't love it.

This was our family's journey. This was our experience.  The hard memories will fade and we'll remember laughing with new friends, crazy food adventures and rain rain rain. This isn't about anyone else but the 7 of us, 5 who traveled and 2 who held down the fort in Georgia.  My family's adoption of Isaac is about him and bringing him home.  If my experience in China bothers then I am truly sorry. I have to say I have no idea how my family's adoption has anything to do with anyone beyond the walls of our home....perhaps extended family. So I invite you to read our blog and look at our pictures and if my opinions don't align with yours maybe that doesn't mean either of us are wrong.

 
The smog in China was amazingly bad, every bit as bad as the worst we had heard.  You could barely see a block from any direction.  Interestingly the Chinese government tells their citizens that the smog problem is from LA that American is polluting China. 

 

 Civil Affairs office completing adoption paperwork.

Our sweet friend Tracy and her son Tao. Max and Tao were fast friends.

PS I'm jet lagged to please excuse all the errors! :)

Placement Day!

Isaac!!!

Today we were the last family to receive our child.  We were getting a little anxious so Danielle called after Veldon mentioned we still didn’t have a little boy.  I guess she hadn’t noticed… Vans kept rolling up and pulling children out, sometimes carrying them under their arms like a bundle of paper…it was sad, and none were Isaac. The big room at the Civil Affairs office was crowded and growing louder by the minute with very unhappy babies and young children while there we stood waiting and waiting.  After about 20 minutes of noise and frustration we went outside for the some quiet and to watch the driveway. 

When the last van pulled in and a sweet little boy in pink shoes and denim overalls walked around the edge holding the hand of his nanny there was no doubt who he was. Not only because we were last, but also because he looked exactly like his pictures.  You know when you see a child or a person and you look and talk to yourself…”Is that so and so? Is that the person I know?” and then you see the person and there’s no wondering you just know it?  That’s what it was like. We kept seeing boys and I would think, “Is that him, it kind of looks like him. He’s not a cute as I thought he would be.” (Because, yes I’m that shallow) and it wasn’t, but when he stepped out from around the van there was no doubt.  It was Isaac. 

While holding his nanny’s hand he kind of smiled up the stairs at us and kind of didn’t.  We knelt down and he would have walked right on by but I scooped him up.  He was not thrilled with that.  We talked to him and held him and he cried.  Veldon pulled a Chinese cookie out, that we had saved from the train ride, and handed it to Isaac.  He was very interested in the food and proceeded to eat, and then he shared with me.  We walked around the little yard when we would put him down he would head back to where he left his nanny so we would scoop him up again.  He settled down while eating the cookie (and M&Ms) and was doing great, but we had to go back into the big, noisy room and fill out and sign paperwork. 

While were doing the paperwork the nanny held Isaac so when it was time to take him back and return to the hotel he was not having any of it.  He cried and cried. All the way back to the hotel, or almost, he fell asleep about a block from the Holiday Inn.  We came in and immediately commenced with a bath. He was very unpleasant smelling.  We peeled 3 layers of cloths off and stuck him in the warm water.  He was not impressed and held on to the sides of the tub, but he did allow me to wash him.  We then wrapped him in a towel and he was quite happy. I remembered I brought him a Mickey Mouse towel and grabbed it and switched.  He caught his reflection in the mirror and almost grinned, then he remembered he was unhappy and stopped grinning.  I showed him the clothes in his suitcase and then the smiles began. As I dressed him and smiled and touched his clothes and laughed.  It was so sweet!

The clothes I brought him are all too big, the pants and shoes are seriously too big.  He needs at least a size smaller maybe two.  His foot is about half the size of the size 9 shoes I brought and his little tiny butt can’t hold up his 2T pants.  So we will need to buy some clothes.  We walked to Wal-Mart today and go shoes, but no clothes they’re next on the list. 

We had concerns about spina bifida and I would say he has something, whether it will affect him or not remains to be seen.  He walks really well, runs and seems to have no leg or feet issues.  He’s not potty trained and we aren’t sure if there’s a reason for that.  He has a couple of spots on his back, but no lumps and no hairy patches.  He’ll need to be checked, but at this point I think whatever it is will not play a huge part in his life unless he is incontinent which if he is you just deal with it.  He doesn’t seem to leak any so that’s really good.  I think he’s not potty trained because the orphanage didn’t bother…just like with Max. Of course, time will tell.

He is so skinny.  His arms and legs are just flesh and bone.  He’s eaten nonstop since we got him and shows no sign of slowing down.  He is drinking water constantly and loves his little thermos that matches Max’s.

Max and Katie are great.  Of course Katie is that wasn’t a concern.  LOL  Max is doing his best.  He’s jealous and is constantly reminding us he is here.  When Isaac does something cute Max has to do it too, it just doesn’t translate as cute when a 7 year old does it.  Sweet boy…he’ll figure it out and he’ll figure out his place. That we still love him just as much and he is secure, but there are going to be some bumps. 

For now we are checking into changing rooms.  It will cost more, but these stupid, oversized twin beds that are supposed to sleep two are the worst and I don’t think I can take another night on them with my XL, adorable as he might be, husband.  Plus there’s no real place for Isaac.  We might switch to a King room and pay for the roll away for Katie.  I’m just exhausted and done!  There may not be a room to switch to and if not we’ll make it. 

We are so grateful to have this sweet, beautiful, hungry boy! God has great big plans for him and we are glad to be a part of them.

Day 2...A Day Late

Walking toward the Square

Friday we visited The Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square.  Our hotel is not far from the city center so the drive was rather quick and uneventful…which is saying a lot in Beijing the city with 22,000,000 people.  As we approached the square it seemed that a good number of the 22,000,000 had decided to visit as well.  There were lines and people everywhere.  I asked our guide if is this was a normal crowd she responded it was, but the people were mostly there to “see our Chairman Mao’s tomb”.  Apparently people wait in very long lines to walk through the mausoleum where his body is entombed.  I guess for a country that has spent thousands of years under some form of tyranny one tyrant is no worse than another.  The difference I think is that the emperors believed themselves to be sons of the gods and everything was rightfully theirs, Mao changed the language and referred to everything in China as the “peoples’”. Whether or not it actually is “the peoples’”.  Everything is owned by “the people”, of course all decisions are made by the government and the government controls everything “the people” have and a lot of what they do, but it seems he was brilliant at making the people believe its all about them.

Looking across the street are th people waiting to walk by the tomb...

I love cultures and the study of people so this has been a fascinating few days so far.  It’s amazing to me that the citizens can only drive on certain days, must live in the city to have a car in the city, have poor water, terrible air quality, I could go on and on yet the people are amazingly loyal to their government and their Chairman Mao.  There are large screens in Tienanmen Square reminding the people how great life now is in China; with constant video of happy children singing and families and parks.  It all looks so endearing.  To me, though, it seems if you have to put up signs and huge screens to tell the people life is good…it may not be that great.  Now that we’ve been here three full days it still appears to me that smiling isn’t common, even the children seem somber and restrained.  There all policemen and guards everywhere and even instruction signs all over the airport telling people to remain quiet…it’s strange. Our guide has assured us that walking around Beijing, day or night, is okay because the city is very safe. I wonder if it is or if no reports of crime ever reach the people.  The government tells them there is no crime therefore there is no crime. It’s such a controlled and orchestrated world and life.

We walked through security to get into Tienanmen Square, which was kind of like airport security except with a lot of pushing and disorderly conduct.  We came out from the underground security check and amazingly there were still A LOT of people, tons of people…people everywhere.  Our guide smiled and said something like “see much less people”.  I wasn’t really seeing that, but I smiled and agreed. 

Behind Katie and Max are the large screens depicting the great Chinese life

As we walked and talked people stared, stopped and watched, pointed, you name it. Then this man came up pointing and talking to Max.  My sweet boy jumped as fast as could be almost into my arms! He was having none of it. The man apparently wanted his girlfriend, or wife to have a picture with Max. They were laughing and asking so our guide said it was fine and Max was reluctantly willing as long as I stood very close.  As a mom of a former orphan the fact that Max wanted nothing to do with the stranger; and was stuck to me for safety; and watched me for clues on how we were responding to this situation was a huge blessing. It was a kind of confirmation that bonding has gone well with our amazing boy.

We got to the Forbidden City and people were still everywhere!  This time even our guide was surprised.  Veldon heard people saying Obama and then our guide told us that Michelle Obama was on the way and security was very tight.  That we would be standing there for a very long time and it would be better to come back later, we all agreed.

All those people are waiting to get into the Forbidden City, and the picture only shows 1/2 the courtyard!

The name of the neighborhood we walked through.

Because of the tight security, road blocks everywhere, our driver couldn’t get up close to pick us up so we walked through a neighborhood.  Our guide was very sorry and kept telling us it was not much further.  We had a blast walking these roads, taking pictures and seeing a part of life in Beijing that we normally would not have been exposed to.  There were tiny, little shops, doors in walls that are actually homes, and dogs and people wandering in and out of the little shops…which seemed a little sketchy to me (as my girls might say).  Shop owners were sitting on their stoops, laundry was hanging out to dry, and allies lined with cars, drying laundry and stuff.  It was very interesting.  Our guide wanted us to keep moving.  I think she was afraid we would be annoyed with her that we were being inconvenienced, but we loved it. 

We then went to a government owned tea shop for some high pressure tea tasting and sales.  We didn’t buy anything and I felt guilty because I’m sure the sweet little hostess and even our guide get some sort of commission, but honestly $50 for tea we wouldn’t drink was a little high for me.  We then returned to and walked through the Forbidden City.  Security was eased and there weren’t quite as many people as before. It was very interesting.  The city was only for the emperor and his officials and family.  It’s amazing to see the opulence that surrounded these mere mortals. We inadvertently had our pictures taken with a Chinese family who kind of pushed their beautiful little girl into a picture with Veldon and me and smiled and laughed and snapped away.  Then the wife grabbed Katie and took more pictures and everyone smiled and laughed.  I think they were tourists too and don’t see white people very often.

 

We met one young man with an older man, maybe his granddad, who was from south China. This was his first visit to Beijing and he was very clear he did not think much of the people. He said they were very rude and not friendly like in the south. I guess southerners in China and in America have something in common.

We returned to the room exhausted, but we had a great day.  We leave tomorrow morning on the bullet train to head south and on Monday we get our boy!!

First Post From China

Max has hit that phase where he sometimes can't find his real smile!

 Our first day in Beijing has been good.  Since we actually made our flights and got here a day early we had some extra time so we added a couple things to the schedule.  This morning we went to the Temple of Heaven and then to the Summer Palace. 

Veldon met his Chinese doppelganger today!

This is the park where the old people gather and exercise, these are all old people, they put us to shame. We hurried through is part. :)

This tree is over 400 yrs old...so they told us...how could we really verify that?

This is where the lazy old people sit and drink tea and play cards...our guide called them lazy not me!

This structure is from the 1400s.

Max is still trying to find that smile!

This is actually just a trash can, but of course Katie had to grab a picture of it when I mentioned she should get the gold barrel in her picture, everyone laughed...they were everywhere...anyone could have made that mistake!

This is a throne the emperor would sit on, behind the throne is the word "longevity" written in lots of different ways.

 

Our guide is loaded up with interesting facts and knows amazing details about the history of China.  I just taught my 8^th graders a little bit about China and the how Europeans tried to colonize and divide China into 7 zones for trade control, (and power). It was interesting for our guide to show us something at the temple or palace and explain that it had been damaged by the Anglo-French, or stolen by the Anglo-French, during the invasion. 

Sight seeing is nice and we enjoyed, mostly, a very traditional Beijing lunch, but the whole point of being here is to get our son and I have to say if we could skip to Sunday and travel South I would do it in a minute.  We will see Tienanmen Square and the Forbidden City tomorrow and our last day in Beijing will be going to the Great Wall.  All of that will be fun and help to pass the time more quickly. I love history and of course China is full of amazing history...20 dynasties before the country had a short period of a little bit of freedom and then...now.  But the last days before you meet your child are so long, it was the same with Max, even the drive to the orphanage seemed like days! I'm ready!

One thing about the Tims hitting China is that we create quite a spectacle walking the streets of Beijing.  Between our Thai son and very tall, very pretty daughter there has been a lot of staring and head turning.  One man pulled his bike right up to the door of the car we were getting into and stopped and stared, right up, he could have touched us and just stood there. I stared back but that didn’t seem to discourage him at all.  Other people stop walking to watch us go by and some have even smiled, but not many.

My first impressions of China are not as great as my first of Thailand.  Thailand is known as the land of smiles for a reason.  Everyone in Thailand is friendly.  If we attempted to speak Thai they always smiled and responded.  Today I attempted several times to speak and was generally ignored or stared at. So after saying “hello” twice to our waitress and then “thank you” I gave up. I think the far-reaching hand of government oppression is everywhere. I think the people generally are not happy.  The buildings are bleak and serviceable, but the atmosphere is heavy.  In the park the old people were singing a national anthem,  it just seems that every part of life is connected to nationalism and the government.  Our guide mentioned that some “presidents” are good some are bad. I asked if "you get to vote for the president". She said “yes” then laughed and said “Well, no not really. They say we get to vote, but actually the party votes, but it doesn’t mean anything. The current president will pick the next one.” She’s also very quick to say “It’s very good.” after any mention of the government.  Cars are only allowed to drive every other day depending on whether they have even or odd numbers on their plates, and it is very good at controlling the smog...I'm not really seeing that!  Anything owned by the government is good; any decision made the government is good.  I do have one suggestion for the good government; educate the people on the harmful effects of smoking.  I’ve never seen so many people smoking it’s crazy!  

We are immensely happy to be here. We are glad to see where our son is coming from and will share as much as we can remember with him.  It was interesting to watch Max today. I think something in his memories was touched because he asked a lot of questions and seemed to recognize the temples. He went to the Buddhist temples in Thailand.  There's definitely some sort of connection he is sensing with the Eastern world.