Silent Tears

There's a book in the adoption world entitled "Silent Tears". It's about one woman's journey through volunteering at one, or several, Chinese orphanages. I read it several years ago at the behest of a friend and I'm glad I did if for no other reason than it put words to what we are experiencing.

Just as every pregnancy is different, every adoption is different.  There's nothing profound there, anyone would agree, but until you've experienced the difference I'm not sure one is truly able to understand.  I thought I was prepared and in many ways I was.  I have been very careful about who we expose Isaac to, although I did make a huge daycare mistake...maybe I'll share that later. I mostly fed him when he was placed with us. He sleeps with us, and is really never away from one of us. Exactly as we did with Max.

There are differences though the biggest being the situation from which these two boys came out.  Max came out of a rather loving, stimulating, well provided for orphanage.  Isaac's situation was the exact opposite.  We've all seen the pictures of Isaac the first day he was placed with us.  I heard the stories about the orphanage and the lack of food and the indifference of the staff, but I'm experiencing it and it is heart breaking.

Isaac cried the first day we got him. He sobbed, he cried most of the way back to the hotel and then he stopped.  When we would tell him "no", which was rare the first few weeks, he would move on or ignore us.  Then everything changed.  I noticed it in the airplane coming home. I walked to the aisle Veldon and Isaac were on and Isaac was standing in front of a seat looking at me with tears rolling down his face.  I knelt down and tried to hold him but he arched and showed no other emotion, just the tears flowing.  Veldon explained he had just told him "no" about something and Isaac froze and began to cry silent tears.  

This pattern has continued.  Not in every situation.  When I made the daycare mistake he was away from me for 15 minutes when the worker came to get me. I could hear Isaac crying as I approached the door and when I got inside he was against the wall arms spread to the side sobbing.  I bent down in front of him, he grabbed me and wailed "no momma no" over and over. Needless to say he has not been away from Veldon or me since.  Even that night he told me he wanted to stay with me, touching his heart and mine over and over.

When Isaac is reprimanded or doesn't get what he wants he doesn't cry out loud, generally even when he falls down he is silent.  The tears fall, but there's no noise.  When I see the silent tears I pick him up, wipe his tears and kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him.  He stays in my arms until he relaxes.  I'm not sure it's the right solution, but I think he needs to know somebody cares, his mommy is responding to his hurt.  

Today we had a breakthrough of sorts.  Veldon got on to Isaac about something. I walked in the room, looked down and saw tears. When Isaac looked up at me he began to make noise and raised his arms for me to pick him up!  He sought my comfort and allowed me to comfort him.  It was so very precious.  

Isaac will continue to cry silent tears...maybe forever, but he's beginning to think that we care he is hurting or upset. He's looking to us for comfort and allowing us into his scared little heart.  What a huge privilege it is to get to be the momma who gets to walk the road to trust with this wonderful, beautiful boy!