Passing by...

Everyday I am amazed and not amazed that we continue to wait. For the last...10 months I have lived my life around receiving that one, all important, phone call that our referral has arrived and we are moving forward.

I had hoped that the referral would come before Thanksgiving when Veldon's parents, sister and brother in law came. Then I hoped and prayed for news around Christmas...what a great Christmas gift that would be! Nothing. I signed up for a 3 month class at a sister church in our community in Jan. and thought "by the time this class is over the referral will have come". Nope. Then it was Spring break and then the D.C. trip with our school's 8th and 9th graders in mid-May. I thought by VBS we would have news and when we agreed to go as chaperons on the youth mission trip to PA I thought there's no way it won't be here by then. All of those events have passed by and no referral. Maybe it's that I am weak and my faith is faulty but I am becoming more and more convinced that we will never receive a referral. I don't know why but it seems that Thailand doesn't have any intention of allowing us to adopt this child. I look at our family and think we are fairly normal, we would be good to another child, we would love him. Why would they not let us have him? Our agency assures me that I am mistaken but I am not aware of a family having waited this long, or longer for a referral and receiving it. There is another very normal family with our agency who have waited about 6 months longer than we have and they are still waiting.

I'm not sure how to process all of this. I would love to just put this adoption in a box and never think about it...but it's not like waiting for an anticipated vacation...this is a child's life. How do you put that in a box out of sight? I have no idea. For several months I didn't cry, even when I wanted to tears wouldn't come. Now I can't stop crying. The hurt is unbearable, sometimes I feel as if I'm falling apart (many times to be honest!). I'm just so lost right now. I want this child so badly but at this point I think it might be a relief for our agency to say "it's over, not going to happen". At least then I would know and I could deal with that. It probably wouldn't be easier, it would be terrible, but wondering and praying and wishing for hours every day is terrible too.

I'm not sure how to stop life passing by, I can't stop our sweet boy getting older without us, I can't make Thailand do the right thing and I can't move the hand of God. So it seems we are stuck! Oh how I wish we weren't!