I sometimes wonder what's wrong with my senses. Not much of our life has been conventional. Even the way we are educating our children is a little different. We homeschool but not in the traditional homeschool way. Our kids attend a kind of part private, part homeschool school. So those in the homeschool world don't consider us homeschoolers and those in the traditional government school world consider us...strange. It's the way we roll, always a little different. Financially we are mostly alright although there are stressful moments and this summer has been especially difficult, but we seem to make it with God's help, and look back and wonder how it all came together. So with the strain of limited financial resources and the stress of homeschooling...my heart still longs for another. How could we ever support another child? We can barely afford the three we have, especially with the way Hayden packs away food. But I think about it all the time, what would it be like to have a fourth child? What would he look like? (The fourth is a boy in my mind's eye, we have plenty of girl around here.) How would our lives change? I dream about him at night and see him in an orphanage alone with no one loving him. I'm by no means a great mom, I get impatient with my kids every single day, I have a pretty much chronic headache which can wear me out. I often wonder why the heck I'm homeschooling wouldn't it be so much easier to follow the more conventional route? Of course if we did I would miss the laughter, and time around the table, I would desperately miss those special moments of listening to my kids talk about the most random topics. But back to adoption...there are plenty of weeks that I wonder how we are going to make it until payday, and yet the desire for another is still there. So would a life with us be better than a life alone in an orphanage, with no hope of a future when he gets too old to stay at the orphanage? Even with our randomness I have to think YES!
I have no idea how this will end, possibly it's already over, honestly who would ever give us another child? But then again maybe our unconventional roads have tailored made us to add to our family in an unconventional way. My heart wonders if there is more, is this a call from God or just a fleshly desire?
I guess I'll just keep praying and seeking God in this. I ponder this verse all the time..
"pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27
